When the masks fall, the winds turn
by Gzou Supreme
Summary: Their hatred gave way to friendship, their difference to complicity, their pain to intimacy. They opened up, understood and experienced each other, all thanks to one thing. The truth. When the masks fall, the winds turn. For Natsu and Gray, they turned to a better future. Full summary inside.
1. July 8th

**_Pouet!_**

**_First I have to say one thing: English is not my first language, I translated this story from French. I'm not bad in English but to be sure I didn't make any mistake... I really need a beta-reader. If one of you would want to help me with this... that would be a great great help. No need to know French, I'll translate it first and you just would have to correct what I wrote. Thanks in advance!_**

**_So, here is a fiction that I've been working on for a long time, and that I absolutely wanted to finish writing before I start publishing (I didn't finish to translate but one or two days is sufficient to do one chapter so it should be okay). The chapters are shorter than I'm used to, ranging from 4,000 to 8 or 9,000 words and rarely exceeding 10,000. It was a project I absolutely wanted to do and I had a lot of inspiration to write it. I will publish a chapter every two weeks without fail, supposedly on Sunday evening. It can still appear on Saturday or Monday following any unforeseen events that I may encounter "in real life"._**

**_As a result, ALL the chapters are already written, which allows me to be sure to meet my deadlines. I even set an alarm so I wouldn't forget. So no worries on that side (for once...)_**

_**As for the story in itself, it will mainly talk about the very fraternal relationship of Gray, Natsu and Erza (mainly Natsu and Gray). It will tell a particular event that has happened in the past and still has its little influence, interspersed with present events related to it. The story is quite dark and very serious, and will tell how Natsu and Gray came to the relationship they have now. In any case, it won't be a rose path, you can believe me... Lucy will also be there from the next chapter, and will play an important role in all this. I could say a little more but the best I think is that you discover all this on your own.**_

**_There is one little thing you should know: There are some inconsistencies between what we know in the manga and what is here and it is perfectly intended. To give you an example: We won't have to take into account what happened between Gray and Erza when they were little, since I somewhat "reinvented" it in another way. There are probably others, but just pretend you don't know anything about what happened when they were little, whether it was Gray, Natsu or Erza. (Except of course their respective pasts outside the guild)._**

**_Well, I think I've said everything I wanted to say then... I just wish you a good reading!_**

* * *

**Title**: When the masks fall, the winds turn

**Characters**: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Erza Scarlet, Lucy Heartfilia

**Genres**: Angst, Friendship

**Full** **summary**:

_When two people go from execration to unconditional fraternity overnight, we necessarily think they're lying._

_But not them._

_It took more than a breath of wind, than a little nothing, for hatred to transform in this indestructible bond. The path has been rough and long, littered with tears, blood and screams, all born of a misunderstanding then sealed in a promise._

_A promise that united, built them. Their hatred gave way to friendship, their difference to complicity, their pain to intimacy. They opened up, understood and experienced each other, all thanks to one thing._

_The truth._

_When the masks fall, the winds turn. For Natsu and Gray, they turned to a better future._

* * *

**Chapter 1 : July 8th**

He was pull out of his sleep by the melodious chirping of the local fauna, gently tickling his drowsy consciousness. His eyelids hardly lifted, confronting his still dreamy pupils with daylight.

The constant murmur of the wind slid through his unchangeably opened window, brushing against the branches of the old willow tree Selbra, a venerable centenary that his modest apartment almost housed within its walls. He straightened up on his elbow with a long yawn, and as usual, his gaze drowned in the colorful panel of the landscape. From his cocoon of sheets, he could see the solar star slowly waking up at the same time as he was, its rays still asleep with a deep vermilion, hitting the waters of the river to reach his attentive eye. The day barely began, and it was rare for him to wake up naturally this early in the morning, least of all when he was freed from his mage's duties like every beginning of July.

Fairy Tail had been off work for six days. Every year since a specific event fifteen years ago, the guild had decided in its memory to take a few days off to remember and confront what happened that day, honoring the promise of eternal support they had made to the one who, at this time of year, needed it the most.

Everyone was free to take what the master had called "vacation" during the first week of the month, but the guild older members knew better than to rely on the lightness of that term, and had kept for years on following what was more of a ritual than anything else. It was only a pretext to encourage the newcomers still ignoring the customs of the guild to stay there, without anyone having to explain the details. Missions were not prohibited, but seeing the elders submit to this ritual of their own free will was generally enough to dissuade the newcomers from leaving. The boredom during these seven days of inactivity was deadly, and yet none of the elders, including Gray, had ever given in to the temptation to go on a mission.

Knowing he would be unable to return to the regenerative embrace called "sleep", he stretched himself and sat at the edge of the bed. Briefly passing a hand through the brown mass of his hair with a sigh of self-encouragement, he got up, the last traces of drowsiness evaporating from his features, and entered the kitchen.

Like every morning, he first traced his way to the window, touching softly the few leaves of Selbra intruding his home with a brief but contemplative glimpse of the horizon and its colors, mentally preparing himself for the new day ahead. The slow ascent of the dawn on the night colors powdered the clouds and wrapped the sky with a mixture of carmine and saffron, promising the day to be bright and sunny. The aquatic corridor snaking a few meters away, circumventing his house to continue its way towards the ramparts to join the sea, offered to the ambient air a freshness more than welcome on those stifling summer days.

The young man stretched again and turned away from his contemplation with a second yawn, followed by a last sigh. The beauty of its dawns and twilights did noy change anything: Gray hated summer. Nothing surprising from an ice wizard, isn't it? And yet, the unbearable heat was far from what he hated the most in this season. What he hated above all were the memories it brought back and the guilt accompanying them. July was for him a very special month that reminded him how cruel and selfish the kid he was once could be.

Following the flow of his thoughts, his gaze laid on the calendar nailed against the wall as he dressed lazily, the pancake of his breakfast held between his lips. His interest stopped on today's date and the red marker circling its number as he passed an arm in the second inning of his shirt. His eyes immediately covered with a veil of guilt.

July 8th.

Now clothed -for only god knew how long-, he straightened up and bowed down his spine, suddenly gloomy. His focus shifted to what he had been keeping as a relic for years, invaluable inside its glass cover. It was just a worn-out children's story book, the pages that had once been savagely torn and then glued together were unreadable, its cover was strewn with holes and cracks, but for Gray, this old book was more valuable than his own life. It was the material representation of a memory that he cherished and cursed at the same time, that he wanted both to forget and preserve, but that he kept with the greatest care. That day more than any other, this vestige of the past was taking all its value and importance.

Tearing a bite out of his breakfast, he slowly approached it and put one hand on the glass shell that protected it. He gently slid his palm against its surface, staring at his precious property with a nostalgia filled with sadness and remorse.

**_"Today's the day, huh…?"_**

No wonder he woke up so early. Not a single year in fifteen had he forgotten this date and the promises bound to it, and he did not intend to make this one an exception. He did not really know why he kept clinging to it when everyone had already forgiven him for a long time, including above all the person involved, but he had never missed one of those July 8 and never wanted to. Today again, he was going to keep his promise. Even if it meant nothing in particular to anyone else, to him that very day would still evoke the barbaric acts he had perpetrated on who had now become an invaluable friend to him and to the whole guild. Justified or not, he had never been able to forgive himself for his behavior.

He breathed deeply to regain his courage and exited his home after swallowing his pancake at once. The dawn was still young when he reached the guild doors, but even the certainty of finding an almost empty hall inside did not dissuade him from entering.

He was not surprised to detect Mirajane behind the bar when he arrived, nor their old master sitting cross-legged on the counter, which he approached. The lamps in the hall were still on despite the opened shutters, as the daylight was still too dim to illuminate the room by itself. "'Morning Mira, Gramps."

"Good morning, Gray!" The young barmaid greeted him with a wave of her hand and a smile, and Makarov was content with a nod, to which Gray replied before sitting not far from his position. Mirajane parted with the glass she was wiping and looked at him with a mixture of affection and curiosity. "You're up early in the morning. Something to do today?"

The young man lost himself slightly in the brilliant gaze of his interlocutor, unconsciously seeking a clue as to the extent of the audible suspicions in her voice. He had to give up in front of the veil of selfless kindness counseling them, and he turned his eyes away from her to a fixed point next to her face. "Yeah, something like that."

He saw her share a stealthy glance with Makarov but could not witness his reaction. Mirajane's features softened in an anxious expression but she did not force an answer from the ice mage. "Can I get you a drink?" She simply asked.

"I'll have some water, thanks", Gray answered, and she nodded before disappearing in the kitchen. He contemplated absently the regular swaying of her hair, then turned on his seat to circulate his attention to several details of the silent guild hall.

Each table was scrupulously in its place and empty of any occupant, the chairs carefully pulled back underneath them, and the silence was so absolute that we could hear the murmurs of the awakening city through the thick walls. His inspection stopped to concentrate on _his_ usual spot, and he almost thought he saw him stuff himself with food, yell and distribute smiles everywhere, showing him how deeply his thoughts were imbued with _his _presence.

"Something on your mind, my boy?"

The master's sudden intervention dissipated the illusory silhouette he had stared at for seconds that seemed to him to be hours, and he sighed in defeat. "It's too quiet."

"It's still early."

"Please, Gramps. You know exactly what I mean."

The old man did not respond and focused his attention in the same direction as Gray, getting lost just like him in a distant contemplation of the seat that had been vacant for six days. Its occupier's absence was cruelly felt in the guild atmosphere and the hearts of those who knew the reason for it, and these calm days were already seriously draining their energy. In this particular period, nothing was missing more than _his_ presence, and the prospect of a new day without his unique vitality was almost depressing. They knew why they were deprived of it, and that simple thought saddened them terribly.

The ice mage noticed his movement and stretched his pupils discreetly towards him to see two black pearls glow sadly, causing his repressed guilt to reappear. He sighed again as he turned back towards the counter, and nonchalantly rested his chin against his palm in an exasperated attitude. "I hate July."

He did not bother to inquire about Makarov's reaction, knowing exactly what it was going to look like, and simply waited for the words he knew to come as he watched Mirajane's shadow wiggle and move around the little kitchen. He was vaguely wondering if she was deliberately taking so long to come in order to let them discuss without restriction when the master's voice finally rose "Just like everyone else here"

"Hum", Gray mumbled.

He clearly saw Mirajane freeze for a few seconds before resuming her work, and despite the apparent efforts she had made until then not to let anything show, he knew she was listening. The mere mention of this stressful time of the year was often enough to bring back memories of _that day_, fifteen years earlier. Regrets were already infecting the ice mage's mind when Makarov pursued suddenly "Don't blame yourself too much."

"Huh?" This time Gray allowed himself a glance at the master who was staring at Mirajane's back, having undoubtedly perceived just like him her moment of hesitation. Under the bleak lights emanating from the chandelier above them, the turmoil in Makarov's eyes seemed to ignite as he laid them on him. Gray almost shivered.

"I know what day it is, and what it means to you."

This information in no way alleviated his discomfort. Even though he knew his grandfather by heart had already forgiven him for what he had done, it was more the certainty that he had never forgotten that day that disturbed him, not the knowledge that he had read so easily in him. His hands were already trembling with dread when he looked at them.

How could anyone forget… _that_? He was the only one with Erza who knew and lived with the appalling details of the events that had brought this _horror_ to the doors of their home, but the vision of this bloody, broken body collapsing on its knees on the guild threshold, the memory of the words, pleas and tears that had shredded their sensibility to the core haunted everyone's mind, and it was all Gray's fault.

The memory that had so far only scratched the surface of his being exploded, penetrating through all the pores of his skin to invade his system. He could almost feel again his victim's bones smashing against his phalanges, the tremors of his body under his fingers, his blood splashing his face, and even hear his screams of pain, and the assaults of these horrible sensations crushed his heart with self-disgust. The bestial rage that had animated him seemed to lick his entrails as if he had gone back years, and he remembered the words. Damn, _those words_. He found it hard to believe now they had crossed his lips, that he could have been so repugnant and monstrous. His selfishness, mental instability and jealousy had almost wiped out an entire existence from the guild's future. The mere fact of imagining what it would have become without it, and vice versa, turned his stomach upside down.

He rested a trembling hand on his forehead, leaning his elbows on the counter, and forced a powerful exhalation from his lips already frozen with dread.

"If you remember, then you haven't forgotten. What I did...". The warm, reassuring contact touching his arm slumped his remorseful shoulders, but he could not resolve himself to look his interlocutor in the eyes. He screwed his own on a random location of the counter, trying to follow a groove as carefully as possible to chase away the remnants of fear that the revived memory had left behind.

"What I don't forget, Gray, is that today is the day when one of my kids is going to hurt himself needlessly. And I'm not even talking about Erza."

Erza. His muscles tensed at the mention of her name. He would never forget she had to live with the memories of him massacring another child, a member of their family, like a starving beast. It was because of him she had been involved in his crime, and the worst part was that she never held it against him, she was blaming herself for a mistake she had never made. If that day was more difficult to endure for her than anyone else in the guild, it was only his fault and he would almost have preferred his friend to curse him for it. Instead, she had forgiven him. She had even taken over a part of his burden to relieve him when he did not deserve it. No, he definitely did not deserve friends like them.

"She's the reason I don't have _his_ blood on my hands. She shouldn't even blame herself."

"Neither should you."

Gray's fist clenched, this time from anger. Why? Why did everyone keep telling him that he should not feel guilty? He hit one of their own almost to death, damn it! No matter what his reasons were, no matter how long ago it happened, no matter how immature he was, it was not an act that could so easily be reduced to insignificance, let alone when his motivations were only fueled by selfishness and jealousy. Did they ever think about what would happen if he allowed the guilt to leave him? It would be purely, solely flouting what _he_ had suffered, like accepting what he had done and the suffering he had caused him. He would never allow such a thing. Never, never, never.

"How can you say that?". The furor was blinding, and he felt his magic quivering beneath his skin in accord with that emotion, sending powerful adrenaline signals through him. Yet his voice had been more hesitant than furious.

"Gray-"

"If I don't feel guilty, who will?!" He jumped up and crushed his fist against the wooden surface, which barely withstood the assault. Mirajane turned to him after a startle. "You really want me to pretend that I don't have anything to blame myself for, like it wasn't my fault?!" Makarov stared at him with an indescribable expression that reduced his rage to a slight tremor in his guts, and he realized it was unfair to get mad when they just wanted to help him.

"That's not what I mean", The master hastened to explain as Gray sat back down heavily. "It _was_ your fault. You shouldn't have done what you did, and your actions had serious consequences."

The ice mage lowered his head again. No matter how much he had claimed that he wanted his friends to held him openly responsible for what had happened without restraint and cursed him for his horrible behavior, he had largely underestimated the pain that hearing it from their mouth would cause him. His currently crushed heart was such an undeniable evidence that these accusations were legitimate.

"_However_." The accentuation of the word relieved him a little from the effects of the previous statement, knowing the rest would be filled with tolerance and redemption. He held his breath in preparation for what would follow as he straightened slightly on his seat. "It was _fifteen years_ ago, Gray. Your past actions don't have any influence on the present now."

The black-haired man frowned pensively at that. Even if it was true that the incident had not changed anything externally, could they really trust appearances? After all, they had never suspected the existence of this gigantic wound inside himbefore involuntarily forcing its access and being confronted to it in the most brutal way possible. Nothing told them that by digging deeper, they would not discover a new one behind the shams.

"Are you really sure about that, Gramps?" The latter felt overwhelmed by the questioning gaze penetrating into his own, heavily weakening the defenses protecting his sensibility, and his throat knotted. "He's the best at hiding his feelings, you know that. We probably never would have even known how he felt if this incident hadn't compelled him. Who knows if he isn't hiding something else for the same reasons as before."

A wrinkle of concentration grew among the others on the old man's forehead, who grudgingly realized that he had no valid arguments to give him to counter this assertion. He observed his son's pupils and their endless swirl of questions, and he felt as if he had gone back years, before a nine-years-old Gray and his watery eyes begging him for reassurance and guidance in the disaster he had caused.

"Why is he always acting like that?" Gray added without breaking their eye contact, and the previous sensation intensified, warping around Makarov's whole body. The kid's eyes were filled with the same emotions as in the past, the same misunderstanding, the same perdition, and Makarov thought he almost heard his childish voice asking again:

**_"Hey, Gramps... how can he smile all the time if he's in so much pain?"_**

He had eluded this question with a generality and the young Gray had been satisfied with it, but the child had become an adult, and this kind of imprecision would no longer be enough to appease his questioning. It was deeply disappointing him, but he had no more answers to that now than before, and there was nothing more frustrating to him than being unable to fulfill his role as a guide and mentor.

_He_ always acted like that because that was how he was, he had no better explanation than that, but he was sure Gray would not want to changehim for the world.

"I don't know", he admitted, but did not give Gray time to be disappointed by his answer. "But that's how we love him, right?"

The ice mage simply growled as he diverted his eyes away from his interlocutor, refusing to express himself in these terms. Makarov was smiling at him affectionately when Gray sighed heavily, falsely exasperated.

"And then people wonder why we fight all the time... You never get anything out of him without punching him in the face."

The guild master would have laughed if the situation were suitable, but even Gray's lightened words could not defeat the seriousness of their conversation. These two boys had a very special relationship and not many people could claim to know its depth, but he was one of those who understood it best, and his role as a fatherly figure was very close to his heart.

He was glad that Gray was able to talk to him freely and ask for his advice, even though some things were still unfathomable to the proud young man he had become. He had seen them grow and mature until they became adults, it was easy for him to read between the lines of their words or attitude. Thanks to that he was able to guide them the best he could and help them clarify their emotions, without offending their pride by entering too deeply into their intimacy.

"Maybe it is", He agreed finally. "But would you really want that to change?"

Gray did not answer right away, hesitant. If this question had been asked fifteen years ago, the answer would have been obvious, but now… He could not deny that he sometimes found himself hoping for some changes in _his_ behavior towards him, wanting to know _him_ more intimately, knowing what he thought and felt, and being able to talk to him without the restrictions of what they considered "their honor", but he loved their relationship as it was. They reached such a level of understanding of each other that they almost never needed words to communicate an emotion or a thought, and he truly appreciated this simplicity. The few moments when he wished the seriousness of a conversation was not worth the risk of putting this complicity in balance.

He did not want _him _to change, and he doubted he was capable of it, anyway. If he wanted to clarify the things that fists could not fully explain, he still had those July 8 to do so. Beyond the remembrance of _that_ event and the promise he had made to _him_, that day was also the one strengthening their friendship further.

A sweet, snide smile floated on his lips as a result of these thoughts, without him realizing it. "No," he responded firmly. "I wouldn't".

This answer and Gray's expression softened Makarov's features further. The old master could not be more fulfilled by his position as a spiritual father than he was at the moment. This thought made him feel like he was getting fifty years older, but he loved to see all these children grow, mature, and live before his eyes more than anything. He loved these boys with all his heart.

"Then you know what you have to do", he declared. "You are both adults now. We've been through a lot together since this incident, he knows we won't let him down and that he can count on us, and on you too. He is more than conscious now that he will never be alone again, and if he defends the guild with such eagerness, I think it is also to thank the people who believed in him." Makarov seemed satisfied with the meditative look materializing on the ice mage's face, for he continued without waiting for an answer. "You're one of those people, Gray, whatever you've said or done before."

Gray seemed unconvinced by this last statement. He believed in _him, _no doubt about that. But he doubted that _he_ saw things this way. Not after _that_. He was trying to prove it to him ever since, but their ambiguous relationship left little room for such things, and he was not sure he had succeeded in convincing him that he was important to him with the few clues he had been able to give. He doubted that all the fists in his face could have served that purpose.

He held back a sneer to the thought. No, it was definitely unlikely that his actions over the past fifteen years would have been helpful in that regard. Makarov saw his bitterness but did not let him protest.

"Even if we assume that your actions still have an impact on him now, I'm sure at least it has become almost non-existent. So don't keep punishing yourself, you've already served your sentence. You're looking for an absolution you already have. And I'm sure you remember the first person who gave you his."

How could he forget? _He _should have been the last of the last people to forgive him, and yet… Barely minutes after waking up in the infirmary, even though his body was still covered with bandages and plasters around the wounds and fractures he had done with his own hands, he had offered him the smile of forgiveness, the most life-saving and comforting smile he has ever seen. Erza herself had taken several hours to talk to him again, and the other children ignored him for days. Only the adults had been lenient towards him, and without Makarov's intervention, this situation would probably have lasted for weeks, but _him_… He had forgiven him in a second. He had accepted his apologies and had reopened himself to him so quickly... It was to be wondered if he had ever resented him at all. Even now, he sometimes wondered why.

That was the whole problem. _He_ had forgiven him, the whole guild had forgiven him, but he... he had never been able to, let alone when this memory was so particularly and intensely present.

The master sighed inwardly in defeat, easily detecting the rise to the foreground of his repressed guilt in Gray's body language. "Honestly, how many years does it take before you can forgive yourself?"

"At least fifteen years, apparently." A timid silence set in between the two men, then Gray breathed noisily as he laid his forehead against his joined hands before closing his eyes. "Actually, I don't think about it most of the time. With him it's really too easy to forget. But..."

"Not today, hmm?"

Gray's fingers tightened on themselves and he straightened up, letting his arms fall down on the counter, his mind years away from the present moment. "Not today."

Makarov watched him stare inside the kitchen, in which Mirajane had not been visible for about ten minutes, then turned his attention to the same direction. "I guess remembering our mistakes once in a while can't hurt, but... remember that if this day is the worst of this period, it's also the best."

"What do you mean?" Gray asked, turning to him again.

"What happened fifteen years ago is painful, it's true. But you also have a promise to keep, don't you? Unless it's also a burden?"

Gray knew he was not talking about this promise for what it meant as such, but for what it allowed him to do and get, once a year. Today, he would have the opportunity to enjoy a privileged, private moment with someone just as special to him. As painful as they were, the memories of the past would never take that satisfaction away from him. "It is not. I _want _to keep my promise."

"I'm glad to hear that." The subject closed in this way, and no one reopened it. Everything had been said, and Gray felt a thousand times lighter than when he arrived, which was a luxury he would never have hoped to get. The memories of the past were still there, rolling under his skin like a snake, but the guilt had given rise to the hope that, once again this year, he would succeed in keeping this important promise.

"All right", Makarov said, satisfied he had been able to comfort his kid and ease his fears. "Unfortunately, I have a meeting today. I've got to get going."

"The council doesn't care about our little "vacation", huh?" Gray replied with an amused and teasing tone, earning a self-exasperated sigh from the master at the re-use of his own words. He had called "vacation" those few days of boredom and oppressing calmness during which the guild was closed on itself to welcome the sufferings of one of their own, but in truth they were anything but restful even if they were not doing any mission. His kids would probably never stop teasing him about it.

"No, that's for sure. Luckily it won't take long, I'll be back tonight."

"Good luck, Gramps."

The old man thanked him and stood on the counter as he dusted his clothes. "Enjoy this day, both of you."

"Three, actually. Erza will be joining us in the evening, as usual."

"Good. Then have a nice day, all three of you. Enjoy it."

"Count on us. Thanks, Gramps."

One last touch of his hand on his shoulder to express his support, and the master jumped off his roost before exiting the building, leaving Gray alone in the immense guild hall. Well, almost alone.

The ice mage suddenly raised his nose when a glass of water appeared before him, and his eyes fell sadly upon a Mirajane as he had never seen her before. Her face was lowered down, her hair hiding her eyes, and her lips no longer bore the slightest trace of any smile. He was going to say something, but the barwoman beat him to it, "I'm sorry… I was listening."

The young man grabbed his drink with a guilty look, noticing the tears that had dried up on his friend's cheeks, "It's okay. I'm sorry if I made you cry."

"N-No, it's not your fault, really! It's just..." She remained silent for a second, solicitous over the use of the right words to explain her emotions. "We all know what's going on right now, don't we? The same thing has been happening every summer for years now, and every time I think we shouldn't just sit around and wait for him to come back."

Gray knew what she meant. If he had not been gratified by the privileged moments graciously offered to him by all those July 8 spent with _him_, he would have had no way of reassuring himself about the state of his morale during those reclusion days, and he would have asked himself the same question as she did. Everyone except him and Erza probably thought he was isolating himself for fear of being a burden to the guild, and that was partly true, but they did not know it was not the only reason, nor the most important. Gray blamed himself somewhat for not realizing their feelings and clarifying this earlier.

"I don't know," Mirajane continued sadly, "we shouldn't let him put up with it alone... we should all... show him we're here and help him forget, you know? Even more knowing... _this_. It's like we're letting him down, and I hate it."

Who would not hate that feeling knowing it was one of _his_ biggest fears? Gray understood her feelings a little too well, and he felt even more angry that he never told them what he had learned every July 8.

There was something Mirajane had to understand. _He needed_ those moments of reclusion and introspection. It was hard to believe when he hated loneliness above all else, but Gray was sure of it. He was not isolating himself to forget, but to remember. Remember what he was trying to hide and contain the rest of the year.

"Hey, Gramps said so, right?" Gray said softly. "He's not a kid anymore. Whether we're physically with him or not, he knows we're here anyway. Besides, I don't think he wants to forget, it's quite the opposite. There are more than just bad memories to remember, you know."

"You're speaking of experience, aren't you?"

The ice mage stirred slightly on his seat, diverting his eyes from his glass, uncomfortable with the deflection of the conversation from _his _torments to his own. Especially because she was right. Everyone had their own way to deal with emotions and reconcile with the past, but there was one constant that would never change: they all needed to lower their barriers at some point to let them submerge their being. Whether this breakup occurred with someone else or not varied from one person to another, but as for _him_, nothing would be more difficult than to snap in the presence of witnesses. This truth could not be denied. They both functioned in a similar manner in many regards, and even though he would never admit this resemblance, he knew that _he_ was dealing with the past in the same way as he was.

It was not like he wanted to confess it openly. There was a limit to what he could admit from his relationship with _him_. "S-Sort of."

Fortunately, Mirajane did not insist and seemed convinced by his explanations as her posture became more relaxed, her shoulders slumping with relief. "So… do you think it's better not to interfere?"

"I don't _think _it is. I'm sure of it. If he decided to stop coming to the guild during this period, it's not only in our interest. You can trust me on that."

"If you say so…" She said, unconvinced. Gray sighed as he realized he would still have to put his pride aside to succeed in reassuring her.

"Let me put it this way: imagine that we're all going to see him now, what do you think would happen?" The answer was obvious, and yet Mirajane could not bring herself to reply. If they broke into _his_ sanctuary in this way, he would only close its doors while behaving as if everything was fine and they would get nothing but his usual pretenses. Depriving him of his privacy was clearly the last thing to do. She was beginning to understand where Gray was going, but she was not sure she could accept it, so she just looked down, silent.

"For the moment he doesn't even know that the guild stops working for him while he's away." Gray added, knowing he was on the right track. "What do you think would happen if he found out?" This time, his eyes in her own clearly awaited an answer from her, and Mirajane had to resign herself.

"He would force himself to come to the guild... to prevent us from worrying." She replied with a distant voice. Gray nodded, satisfied with the first signs of acceptance he was perceiving in her expression and the tone of her voice.

"Exactly." He agreed firmly, "And that's certainly not what he really wants right now. He couldn't stand to know we are so gloomy because of him. Giving him other reasons to force himself to be strong for us is the last thing to do. He just needs a little time for himself, that's all. Accepting this and welcoming him back is the best thing you can do for him." Resignation was now clearly visible on Mirajane's face, but it did not erase the guilt and sadness plaguing it.

"You're probably right, but... it doesn't make it any easier."

"Yeah… it sure doesn't."

"I wish I could do something more. After all he's done for us..." She looked sadder than ever, and Gray had a good idea of the personal experience related to her last sentence. Of course, that was the best way to remember how important _he_ was to everyone, how different things would have been without him. To say that Gray almost was the detonator that would have diverted their future on a completely different path... The mere fact of imagining it was frightening. If _he_ had not come back _that day_...

He shook his head to interrupt the flow of his thoughts, realizing the direction they were taking. Fortunately, Mirajane did not notice his sudden agitation, distracted by her own memories. "When Lisanna died, he was there for me and my brother when he had every reason to blame us. He looked so normal, I didn't even realize he was at least as devastated by her death as we were. I didn't even have the presence of mind to think about what he could feel, and I let him go with only my thanks as a reward. I didn't even try to find out how he was doing. He deserved better than that."

"It's not-"

"Don't you dare say it's not my fault, Gray. We all know how he is and I _knew_ how close he was to her. I should have known better, but I was too focused on my own grief to realize."

The ice mage did not try to contradict her again. He had no valid counter-argument to give her for comfort anyway, not without lying. In truth, they were all guilty of falling into this trap at one time or another, all because it was so easy to be convinced by the lies of _his_ body language saying that he was not suffering. He did not have the power to relieve her of this guilt, no one possessed it. Just as no one had the one to erase his own. That's why he let her confess without intervening.

"I feel selfish to forget so easily it's not because he doesn't ask for help that he never needs it." Her eyes darkened as she contemplated the guild's doors absently. "I wonder how many times he's walked through those doors, behaving as usual while he wasn't feeling well... and no one noticed."

That was a question Gray had asked himself several times in the last six days, but curiously, guilt had not been the cause of it. It was only the fault of that damned month of July when _he_ occupied everyone's thoughts by his absence and its reasons that Mirajane, him, and the whole guild were racking their heads with stupid questions. He felt as if he was in a dream, in an unstable state of mind where all his thoughts and emotions were shaken in all directions, disorganizing them to such an extent that he ended up stripped of all his inhibitions. It was the same thing every year, but it was the first time he talked so openly about _him_ with someone, even at that time of year. Worse and worse...

"What about you, Mira?" He asked suddenly. "How many times did you do that?"

The young woman raised an interrogating eyebrow towards him, caught off guard by the question and the harsh tone Gray had employed. She did not verbalize her confusion, but she did not need it to convince the ice mage that he would have to be more precise than that.

"We're all the same, you know." He started to explain. "I'm sure you can be sad and still stay the same with us. Does that necessarily mean your smiles in those times aren't sincere?" His rhetorical question immediately purified Mirajane's expression of any misunderstanding, indicating that he had managed to generate in her the emotion he hoped for, so he continued. "There, see? It's exactly the same for him, for everyone. It's true that idiot is a pro when it comes to this, but we all have our highs and lows, and it's thanks to the guild we're holding up. You're a member of the guild, right?"

Mirajane still did not respond, out of words. Gray drank his last sip of water and then rested the empty glass on the counter before concluding "So you're just as important as anyone else to make his life easier. You just have to be you. Don't underestimate yourself."

Her lips remained half-open for a few seconds as she processed and organized Gray's words, then she closed them in a grateful expression. "Thank you."

The ice mage nodded, glad this difficult conversation finally came to an end and that he had been able to comfort his friend. His ears were still teeming with all the thoughts and emotions that had accompanied the words and his head was spinning as if he had drunk a whole barrel of alcohol. Despite the sun barely up, he already wanted to go back to bed and sleep for days. It was at times like this that he hated those damn "vacation" even more. The prospect of having to spend three more days in this raging tangle of biting sensations was almost making him nauseous. He would give anything to just stop thinking.

He sighed with disappointment as he almost slouched on the counter, and Mirajane smiled encouragingly. "Cheer up, Gray. I'm sure you won't even see the day pass."

"Today will be fine. At least it won't be the same routine as yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before before yesterday, the-"

"Alright, I got it." She cut him off with an amused tone. "I can't wait for this to be over, I hope nothing will change."

"Don't worry, Mira. Just wait to see him explode the guild door yelling like a retard... Everything will go back to normal in no time." He laid his chin against his crossed arms and added "At least, until next year."

Another sigh made its way from his lungs to his lips as he passed a hand over his face before finally standing up. "Okay, I gotta do something or I'm gonna turn into jelly. Need any help?"

"You're not leaving?"

"Not right now. If I go that early, I'm just gonna get kicked out. Besides, I need to see Erza first."

"In that case... you can help me sort out a few things in the archive room, if you want."

"Okay, let's go for it."

"Go ahead, I'll meet you in two minutes."

The young man nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets in a relaxed manner as he made his way down the stairs to the archive room, but stopped after a few steps to turn again to Mirajane, who was about to go back into the kitchen.

"Oh, and Mira?"

She looked up at him, urging him to continue. "Yes?"

"Keep it all to yourself, okay? I'd rather not have to kill everyone you told that to."

Mirajane giggled affectionately, delighted to see him become once again this fiery, confident Gray, to witness the reconstruction of this ice cover called "pride" that the current situation had accidentally melted to reveal his tender heart.

"Message received."

Gray smiled discreetly and turned his heels before disappearing into the basement, light-hearted despite his head full of words and memories.

* * *

_**Well, there you go!**_

_**For the moment it's only a appetizer but I hope it makes you want to know what can happen next. I have a little doubt about the fluidity of the writing when I use italics to evoke the "mystery character" (not so mysterious as that, if you didn't guess who it is, I think you may have a problem :p). I feel like I'm using it too much but at the same time if I remove it, it will cause some comprehension problems so... I don't know what you think about that.**_

_**What about this chapter, otherwise? I hope I didn't go too far in the "hidden suffering" aspect of the characters, seeing how I like to dramatize everything in my stories... I don't necessarily realize when I go too far. I like to think that behind the cheerful appearance of all the characters there are hidden unspoken sufferings that everyone is able to manage through the guild and its joyful atmosphere. This subject is missing in the manga I think (which is a pity), which gives me a lot of inspiration for new stories or one-shots, by the way. There's the "friendship gives strength" part, that's for sure! But it only touches the surface, introspection is practically absent and it's frustrating! And it is from this frustration that inspiration and imagination flow freely!**_

_**I hope that all this makes you want to know what is to find behind this promise and this particular event that Gray and Makarov are talking about and for which Gray feels guilty. It is essentially around these two things that the narrative is built, and the event in question will be narrated in its smallest details. If we generalize, it is from this event that the relationship between Gray, Natsu and Erza is built. The story will therefore speak mainly of the past, interspersed with passages in the present. You will understand what I am talking about in the next chapter.**_

_**Well I don't have much else to say about it, so thank you for reading and see you in two weeks for the next one! Be it Sunday, April 28th! I should normally post in the evening.**_

_**See you soon and don't forget to comment if you liked it!**_

_**Tcha tcha pouet!**_


	2. Behind the scenes

_**Pouet!**_

_**Well, well... I don't know what to think. I just wonder if the fandom is dead or not, but on the other hand more than 60 different people came to read the first chapter without leaving any trace of their visit. Should I be worried? Is it because my English is bad? Didn't they like it, were they disappointed by something? Is it because there is no romance? Did they have the laziness to leave their impressions? Did they think it was useless because the fiction was already entirely written anyway and I didn't need any encouragement? I have no idea. In any case, it's frustrating, stressful and frankly depressing. I would think it probably takes a little while, until there are more chapters, for people to really get interested, but since no one even wanted to follow this story, I think it shouldn't be that, or not only that. Even if they're not sure if it's going to be good or bad, I think people are more likely to follow just in case. I don't know.**_

**_Maybe it's just my story that's bad, who knows? I was rather proud of my work, but I'm wondering now. If those who didn't like it could tell me why... it would be constructive. And if those who liked it could leave a little something to reward me, it would be nice (and above all, much, much, much less depressing for me). _**

**_Anyway, I'm a little confused. _**

**_Despite this, here is the second chapter promised. In case that's what kept you from leaving your opinion, just because an author doesn't need "encouragement" as such doesn't mean that it's useless to reward their work. Meditate on that!_**

**_Come on, enough with the lamentations, I just have to hope that it's not my story in itself that is at stake and wish you a good (I hope) reading!_**

* * *

**Chapter 2 : Behind the scenes**

By nine o'clock in the morning the guild had filled up, and Gray was slowly climbing up the stairs separating him from the already noisy hall, mentally preparing himself for what was to follow. In order to welcome the first arrivals, Macao and Romeo, Mirajane had left him in the archive room with a pile of paperwork to sort out, but the ice mage had preferred to wait a moment before joining them. He had stayed for a long time downstairs even after he had finished sorting the last documents, knowing he would be indisposed to confront the curious faces and intrusive looks so quickly.

The loud tumult coming from upstairs was clearly indicating the presence of most of the guild members, and Gray could no longer delay the inevitable moment when he would have to confront them. No one, not even Juvia, had gone down to greet him or fetch him from the basement. Mirajane had probably seen fit to let him manage things at his own pace and not reveal his presence, for which he was grateful. This little hour of intimacy had been more than beneficial to him, and with his mind occupied by the mountains of books and documents to store, he hadn't had the time to let the memories resurface, doing him the greatest good.

The noise became almost deafening as he emerged from the stairs, sending a brief spike of pain through his skull. After a short inspection of the room, avoiding looking at a certain empty chair, he tried a silent breakthrough through the rows of tables and chairs to reach Erza, whom he had detected at their usual table with Lucy. It was without counting on Juvia and her "Gray-radar" who spotted him in a second. "Gray-samaaaaa!"

"_Crap."_

He sighed in defeat but did not have the energy to dodge the charge of the girl who jumped on him without restraint, almost knocking him down. Her scream had obviously directed all eyes at him and silenced every conversation, much to the frustration of the young man who, today more than ever, would have liked to stay unnoticed. It was a smile that appeared on his lips though as he greeted the water mage. "Hi, Juvia."

The girl blinked several times, dazed by this unexpected sweetness emanating from her great love. She clapped her burning cheeks with her hands, stammering incomprehensible words as she blushed with embarrassment, almost fainting in the process. A few moans of "Gray-sama" and a succession of syncopations later, the lover girl picked up enough to be able to align a few coherent words, stars still shining in her eyes. "What was Gray-sama doing down there? Juvia thought he hadn't arrived yet!"

The ice mage did not even try to free his arm from the embrace of the human leech clinging to it. "Oh, just a few things for Mira. I arrived very early this morning and there wasn't much to do, so…" He answered calmly, trying not to look too tense.

"Gray-sama… was alone with Mira-san all morning?" Gray knew what was to follow, and he could not help but giggle gently before Juvia had even made her first move, interrupting the girl in her "throw lightning at her love rival" project. She was not expecting this reaction at all. "Gray-sama?"

The ice mage stopped laughing at the questioning tone she used, detecting a hint of concern that informed him he probably did not look as normal as he tried to be. Cursed be this day when he was totally out of his mind. He cleared his throat to find a semblance of normalcy, aware of the many curious looks staring at them. "Um, sorry. Not much sleep last night."

"Is Gray-sama worried about something?"

Was it really that obvious? Juvia was one of the members who had no idea of the true function of this "vacation", like every newcomers of the guild, and yet she had detected in an instant his discomfort and even guessed that something was bothering him. His lack of sleep had immediately been put under the spotlight and her perspicacity embarrassed him. He did not know what to say. He did not want to lie to her, but even less wanted to engage a detailed explanation of the situation, as it would inevitably lead to an unwelcome account of the tragic events of fifteen years ago. He had no advantage to gain from such a thing. Except, perhaps, to finally get off the pedestal Juvia was raising him and finally show her that he was far from being as perfect as she liked to believe.

Even those who knew nothing about this story had noticed the sudden change in atmosphere three days earlier, but everyone had managed to stay relaxed enough for no one to suspect the pain that this so-called "vacation" actually evoked. This way, they had been able to dispel suspicions sufficiently to dissuade anyone from asking any questions. Of course, the sudden absence of the noisiest guild member had been noticed since the first day, especially by Lucy, but no one had the courage to explain the painful details of their little annual ritual. Fortunately, he had not been away long enough to really worry anyone even though they had noticed the slight change in behavior of some mages, mainly Gray and Erza, sparing them from an avalanche of questions that they did not have the strength to satisfy.

Today, however… it was a completely different matter. It was _the_ culminating day, the pivot of their memories, the pillar giving their custom its full meaning. Fifteen years ago to the day, a child had opened the doors of this very place and flooded the horrified mages with his tears and blood, the testimonies of his unbearable suffering engraving indelibly in their heart and memories. Then a promise had been made, born of the guilt of one man. A promise that Gray had kept every year without exception, that he would keep today, and that he would keep the year after. All this made this day the hardest and the easiest for Gray to bear at the same time. It was also the one when it was the most complicated to keep memories at bay, and therefore not to alert those who knew nothing about it.

Juvia was the living proof of this. Gray's gaze and behavior were too soft to be ordinary, and she had been instantly affected by the curtain of guilt obscuring his eyes behind the kindness. This had not been directed at her specifically, she had understood it well, but that did not prevent her from acting as if nothing happened, even if she curiously dropped his arm by herself. She did not give him time to answer her question and exclaimed suddenly: "Gray-sama doesn't have to answer Juvia!" Relief embalmed the ice mage's body expression, encouraging Juvia in her decision to not stick her nose in something that did not concern her. "Gray-sama just needs to know that Juvia is here if he wants to talk."

"Ok, uh… Thanks."

The girl smiled timidly, and against all the spectators' expectations she separated from the ice mage on her own free will, moving away towards Gajeel and Levy with whom she was talking before Gray's unexpected arrival. He remained glued to the spot without really knowing how to react, but quickly regained his mind. The dozens of pupils staring at him seemed to suddenly accentuate, piercing his shell. Among them, Erza's were the most burning, and he shivered under their intensity.

Taking the most relaxed attitude possible, he addressed a brief wave of his hand to the entire guild while heading towards his teammates. "Hi, everyone!"

The vitality imprinted in his voice pulled the observers out of their compassionate contemplation of the ice mage. They greeted him with encouragement, perfectly feigning ingenuity. "Yo, Gray!"

Regardless of the furtive concern and compassion laying behind the natural of these cheerful greetings, Gray made his way to Erza and Lucy. The two young women smiled at him in a welcoming demeanor, although the redhead mage's smile was slightly tenser. He let himself fall on the seat in front of the stellar mage.

"So, Gray? Are we taking advantage of this little vacation to get up at dawn?" She teased as she lowered his glass on the table.

Foot in her mouth from the start, huh? Gray sighed inwardly with frustration, but in truth he could not blame her for not knowing what no one had taken the time to explain. He turned his head towards Erza as a backup, but she stubbornly kept her eyes down on her strawberry cake even though she felt his gaze set on her. Gray realized that she had no intention of intervening, leaving him to fend for himself with the ignorant innocence of the stellar mage.

"I haven't been here that long. Besides, it's not like I really need to rest when I'm not doing anything all day." That was completely false, be he had found no other credible answer to give her. In its regenerative aspect, sleep was a rare commodity in recent days. If he continued to get up this early without resting more than a few hours during the night, he would end up digging the bags under his eyes so deeply that they would turn black.

Fortunately, he did not take any mission. In this state of exhaustion and total rambling, he would give little of his skin in a fight. Staying focused for five minutes was already one in itself, and with its magic requiring a surgical precision, he could not even imagine being able to produce a single piece of ice properly.

"Yeah, it's getting pretty boring…" Lucy conceded. "Why don't we take this opportunity to relax somewhere? We could go to the beach or something like-"

"No."

Lucy immediately closed her half-open lips, and even Erza finally lifted her nose off her plate and stared at him with astonishment, even though the cause was not the same as her teammate's. Gray himself almost jolted at his own harshness, realizing a second too late what he had been about to say. His answer had been so spontaneous that the word had crossed his lips before it even crossed his mind. Lucy's proposal had disorganized it instantly and he had opened his mouth before he even realized it.

Shameful of having hurt the girl with his impulsiveness and lack of tact, he scratched his head, both embarrassed by Lucy's wet eyes and oppressed by Titania's defiant black ones. "Huh, sorry. It's just… I have something to do today and…"

"I-It's okay, I was proposing just like that!" She assured him promptly, waving her hands in front of her. "These last few days are nothing like a vacation if you ask me, so I was just thinking it would be good for us to get some fresh air. Everyone seems a little on edge lately, especially the two of you."

Although they were not surprised to see that the sensitive, intelligent constellationist had detected the heaviness of the atmosphere behind its simulacrum of lightness, Gray and Erza looked at each other, even more ashamed that they still had not found the courage to ease her discomforts. They were aware that they owned her explanations and that she deserved as a teammate and friend to know the reasons of their strange behavior. In truth, no one really tried to hide anything from anyone, and the whole guild deserved to know, but denuding others' privacy seemed inappropriate to them, almost immoral. Then they had preferred to remain silent and leave it up to the concerned people to decide whether they wanted to share their secrets or not.

"I'll explain later, Lucy."

Lucy's confused gaze and Gray's panicked one converged on an Erza who, crossed arms on her chest in an authoritarian attitude, was challenging them to resume this conversation on the path it had taken. A challenge that Lucy was not suicidal enough to take up. "Oh huh… okay." She hastened to accept, preferring to swallow her curiosity rather than upset his terrifying friend. "But explain what, exactly?"

"Why does everyone prefer to stay at the guild when we're supposed to be on vacation."

"Yeah." Lucy almost spit, bitter. "Everyone except one who has preferred to go without saying anything and leave us behind."

The reproach and resentment perceptible in her words made her two listeners wince, and Gray immediately reconciled himself with the idea of telling Lucy what they knew. It was their duty to make the welcome as warm as possible upon his return, and nothing would be crueler than to let a close friend unfairly accuse him of selfishness when his absence was mainly motivated by his eternal devotion to them all.

More than anyone else, Lucy had to be told, both out of necessity and merit, although this perspective gave Gray a cold sweat. What would she think of him when she found out what he had done? The girl was the most understanding of all the people he had ever met, but the fear that her behavior towards him would change remained present. For nothing in the world would he wish to see the horror and pain appear on her face before his eyes when she knew this bloody story he had created with his own hands. This was surely what Erza was trying to spare him by delaying the discussion until later, because she knew he would soon have to leave.

He agreed to let Lucy know, as long as he did not have to do it himself or be present during this parasitic tale of painful memories. They were already suffocating enough.

Neither he or Erza answered Lucy's rancorous words, but the ice mage had trouble withstanding the electric atmosphere they had left behind and he suddenly got up. "Well, I'm leaving. Erza…"

"I'll meet you tonight." She cut him off with an affirmative nod. "You don't have to ask."

Lucy hesitated to ask him where he was going but chose to change her mind, easily realizing that it was probably a part of what Erza had promised to explain and therefore a sensitive subject. Taking her concern and curiosity in patience, she simply watched Gray nod to the knight mage's statement before wishing him a good day, courtesy that he returned with a quick handwave. A few seconds later, he came out of the hall with a surrealist calmness.

The stellar mage turned to Erza as soon as he left, her forehead wrinkled with anxiety. "May I ask you where he's going? Or…"

Her friend wiped her lips with a napkin and then elbowed down on the table on either side of her now empty plate, joining her hands under her chin. Her eyes riveted on Lucy, who flinched at the mixture of determination and embarrassment expressed by her whole body, and anxiously waited for her answer, her throat knotted.

It came quickly enough not to give her time to doubt Erza's intentions after the redheaded woman had sighed with resignation. "At Natsu's."

Lucy widened in confusion, expecting anything but that. "N-Natsu?" She stuttered. "But I thought he-"

"He's here." Erza cut her off, shaking her head sadly. "From the beginning, actually."

Lucy's eyes grew even larger as she hardly assimilated this information, which was not coinciding with any other she had been given since the beginning of this sudden vacation. Technically she had not been lied to. They simply had not said anything when she had been outraged by what she had supposed to be selfishness from the Dragon Slayer, but they had never even tried to deny this false conviction, letting her indulged in her resentment. "Why didn't you… why didn't you say anything?"

"It's not like we wanted to hide it from you, Lucy, I promise. It's just… something we wanted to let him tell you himself when he got back here. It wasn't our place to do it."

Concern began to rise dangerously with this statement, and she refrained the best she could from rushing off to make sure Natsu was fine. Erza's sadness and the certainty that the fire mage's absence was a fact personal enough to dissuade anyone from talking about it for him did not help her to relax. Not to mention Gray's behavior before he left, screaming at her that something was definitely wrong. Knowing now that the cause of all this was her closest friend made her a little nervous.

"Then why are you telling me that now?"

"We don't want you to keep believing that he disrespected us or that he doesn't care about our feelings. It's quite the opposite."

Lucy felt ashamed and lowered her head with a guilty look. She should have known that it was not Natsu's habit to leave without warning and that he must have had a good reason to be absent, but she had not wanted to consider this hypothesis. It was when Happy had come to the guild without his longlife companion for the first time that she had been overwhelmed by her resentment. His expression had been so sad, so depressed that she had not been able to repress her anger, furious that the Dragon Slayer had left the kitten behind in this state. She had not wanted to hear anything when the exceed had told her that it was not Natsu's fault, almost begging her not to be angry with him, and she was terribly ashamed that she had not listened to him.

"And you're also our friend…" Erza continued, drawing Lucy's attention again. "Actually, we wanted to talk to you about it from the beginning, after all you are as close to Natsu as we are but… it's not an easy thing to tell. Especially for Gray."

Not easy to tell even for the great Titania? Lucy felt faint, no longer sure she wanted to know the details. Her concern for Natsu easily took over though, and she found herself asking in an almost trembling voice: "Y-You're starting to scare me, Erza. What's going on? Why doesn't Natsu come to the guild if he's here? Is he even okay?"

Worry had almost turned to panic, and Erza quickly reassured her, waving her hands emphatically, palms open in front of her. "Oh yes, yes, Lucy, don't worry about it. It's not as bad as you think. It's just a difficult time for him emotionally, so he prefers to take the time to deal with his emotions without involving us".

"W-What do you mean by _a difficult time_?"

"Yesterday it was exactly sixteen years ago that Igneel abandoned him."

Understanding cruelly struck the stellar mage, who sadly lowered her eyes on her hands and closed her fingers on her knees, uncomfortable. "Oh…"

Even though she knew that he was looking for Igneel with great fervor and that deep down his absence was painful to him, she had always wondered how Natsu could talk so much about his foster father without ever looking depressed by his abandonment. He always seemed proud and cheerful when he was talking about the dragon, advocating childishly how strong, kind and intelligent he was, showing off with admiration everything he had taught him, but never did sadness contaminate his eyes in those moments, and Lucy had always found it strange.

She felt like she understood better now though. It was not because grief and pain did not appear in his behavior, words, or expression that he was not feeling them. It was just this more than enviable gift he had to bring the joy out of everything, to see only the good sides of it, that allowed him to seal the bad ones and keep those painful feelings locked inside him. It was therefore not surprising that at some point, he needed to melt the padlocks holding them back to let them speak freely, or by dint of containing them to such an extent he would end up exploding under their assaults. After all he was not invulnerable, even if it was easy to forget when you saw him.

Erza's features softened at Lucy's sad expression and her own melancholy. "Every year since he joined the guild, he stays home for a few days to… take stock, I guess. He never told anyone, so I'm not even sure he knows we know, actually. We just noticed that he was away every year on the same dates, and understood why."

Imagining their unstoppable living inferno alone in his empty house thinking about the past and what it had snatched from him was depressing. The temptation to rush into his home and hug him with all her might to comfort him was all the more irresistible, but Lucy realized that it was probably not the right thing to do. If Natsu had never said anything to anyone in years, rushing into his secret garden would only encourage his friend to close up like an oyster, and with Gray already on his way for a still obscure reason to his home…

"O-Okay." She accepted a little reluctantly. "But… what does that have to do with Gray?"

Erza took a sneak peek at the chatty guild hall, stared a brief moment at its doors and at last refocused on Lucy. "This is the hardest part to tell… This period is difficult for the rest of the guild too, because of an event that happened when we were kids. It was fifteen years ago but… this period brings back memories, and reminds us of certain things we tend to forget the rest of the time." She sat more comfortably against the back of her seat and crossed her arms against the torso of her armor, making it rattle slightly as she moved. "It's because of what happened that today is special for all of us, and for Gray even more. That's also why everyone stays at the guild while Natsu is away. This vacation is just a pretext to save us from having to tell… _this_ to the new recruits."

Lucy knew she was unfortunately one of those "new recruits", but she was flattered to see that despite this status, Erza felt close enough to her to share this kind of visibly painful experience. She had no idea what this past event was made of, but it seemed obvious that Natsu and Gray were the main actors. She did not believe in a coincidence as gigantic as the opposite would be.

"So, if I understand correctly... Natsu's absence and the fact that the guild is on "vacation" are related, is that it? Or is it just a coincidence?"

"No, you're right. It's because Natsu is away that we stay here, but not the other way around. He has no idea what we're doing while he's not here, or rather _because _he's not here. And he can't know that."

Lucy frowned, confused. "Why? It would probably make him happy to know the guild is supporting him, wouldn't it?"

"Maybe, but he'd feel guilty most of all. Knowing him… Anyway, just don't tell him."

"O-Ok…"

Erza nodded with gratitude, satisfied she had been able to dissuade her from telling him anything about that, preparing her for the upcoming story as her fears that her future confession could harm her friend dissipated. If Natsu learnt that the guild was locking itself in this shell of compassion for him, she _knew_ he would take the blame and perhaps even go so far as to completely deprive himself of this annual ritual he so desperately needed. No one was to take this benefit away from him, no matter how difficult it was to stay away.

"Because of this incident fifteen years ago, we are all more affected than we should by Natsu's absence, and it is better that he doesn't think that his needs for solitude are a burden to us. It would be selfish of us to complain. What happened is absolutely not his fault, and he will not be given the opportunity to think it is. It's hard enough to manage Gray's guilt to add another one that wouldn't be justified."

"Yes, I think I understand, but… What exactly is Gray feeling guilty about? What happened?" Erza knew as soon as she heard those words that she was not as ready to immerse herself in these painful memories as she thought because she felt her heart tighten and her throat dry up. Her lips opened to answer, but the semblance of calm she had more or less managed to conquer evaporated and she instantly closed them. Lucy easily detected her discomfort and was quick to give up any answer to her question. "Forget my question. It's none of my b-"

"No. I'll tell you. It's better if you know what's behind appearances. You just have to promise me that what I'm about to tell you won't change your opinion of Natsu or Gray."

"W-What do you mean? Why would I do such a thing?"

"You'll understand when you know everything."

Lucy was not reassured at all. Knowing that what she was about to learn could eventually change her vision of her two friends completely gave her a cold sweat. She tried to convince herself that she would never be able to do such a thing, but she could not help but fear that it would be impossible to avoid. She intended to do everything she could to prevent this from happening though. That was why she assured her with as much conviction as she could. "I promise."

Erza seemed satisfied with it because she nodded at her. She gathered all her courage to embark on an explanation of the context surrounding this horrible event. "It happened barely a month after Natsu joined the guild, and Gray had already been a member for about two months. At that time, they didn't have the same relationship as they do today. We knew that things were bound to get out of hand between them from the very first time they met, the day the master welcomed Natsu among us."

Her memories wandered to that day which, instead of being the pleasant one it should have been, was now categorized as those she preferred not to remember. It was the day when Natsu entered their lives, and she would have preferred to be able to think of it with a happy nostalgia, but…

She swallowed with difficulty, and even before she really found the courage to, Erza had already started her story.

* * *

_Gray, seven-years-old, was sitting at a table near the entrance of the noisy guild hall, away from the other children playing at the far end of the room. His mental energy was particularly solicited in order to be able to ignore the taunts and insults Erza and Mirajane were throwing at each other not far from him, as well as the loud exclamations of the other children who, depending on the case, were encouraging or trying to separate them. The adults, in the person of Macao and Wakaba, were simply chatting over a good glass of alcohol without interfering, contenting themselves with keeping a close eye on the ongoing fight. As for the master, he was absent._

_The ice mage did not have time for such trifles though. In the month since he joined Fairy Tail he had only studied different documents like a madman, never participating in the games and fights of his so-called companions._

_He did not hate them, but he could not afford to lose sight of the mission he had set for himself. He preferred to stay away and send back, sometimes a little dryly, often even, all those who tried to distract him from his task when they came to talk to him. As his rejections progressed, their attempts to integrate him or to know more about him became increasingly rare, which was perfect to him. He had no time to waste with them._

_He had and should have only one thing on his mind: Deliora._

_He had asked the source of knowledge and wisdom that Makarov was if he knew a way to melt the ice imprisoning the demon, but the old man had tried to dissuade him from trying, certifying that the ice created by Iced Shell was Ul herself. He had not believed it, or at least he did not want to believe it until he had proof, so he had decided to do his own research. Even assuming that what the master had told him was true, nothing told him that there was not a way to reverse the process somewhere, to restore Ul's humanity, and thus take revenge on Deliora by destroying it once and for all._

_He felt that his obsession was becoming dangerous and was gradually leading him to the same path that had caused his master's death, but he had no other purpose in life and was then desperately clinging to the only thing still important to him. Even if he had to dedicate his entire life to it and wait years to be strong enough to defeat Deliora, so was it. This was the only reason that led him to Fairy Tail's doorstep: finding information and become stronger, and then __**slaughtering**__ the creature that had taken everything from him. That was and always will be his goal, no matter what._

_Memories haunted him every night, exhausting him considerably while fueling his determination. Every time he woke up from a nightmare, his ears buzzed with his parents' screams, his nostrils were infected with the smell of shed blood, his head roared with frightening images, and he often found himself taking revenge, under the murderous impulse running through his veins, on everything that passed under his hand. He could not count the number of times he had regained consciousness, shortness of breath, amidst the debris of his furniture, the cadavers of his windows and of the few objects that decorated his room. The adrenaline immediately subsided as soon as he inquired about what he had done, and he became again that cold, impassive Gray that everyone knew, with a little something more: an increasingly sharpened determination. One day, he would tear apart the source of his despair, and emerge from this infernal spiral._

_Fortunately, no one had ever witnessed his explosions of rage and thanks to them, he managed to remain stoic for the rest of the day despite the cracks his memories were trying to inflict on his unstable mind. Thus, no one knew the existence of this vengeful snake hiding in this child's body. For the others, Gray Fullbuster was just a cold, nasty boy who did not want to be accountable to anyone but inside, he was a real whirlwind of rage and unfulfilled hatred._

_On the wall next to him, the clock rang at noon. Gray looked up from his reading, and his stomach rumbling loudly made him realize that he was hungry, probably for quite some time. He closed his book with a sharp gesture before getting up from his seat, and finally gave a glance at his guildmates when he noticed that Erza and Mirajane's screams had fallen silent._

_The two furies, covered with bruises and cuts, were staring at each other despite the distance that now separated them. Macao and Wakaba, probably having decided to end the fight, were taking care of Erza and Mirajane respectively, gently healing and disinfecting their wounds with a loving but reproving smile._

_It did not take Gray more than a second to turn this sweet vision into a memory. Macao's silhouette transformed into a thin, slender young woman with brown hair, while Erza's became his own. With a knotted stomach and a dry throat, he observed the illusion of his counterpart, a few months younger, squirming and complaining while Ul gently cured his scratches, soothing the pain with the ice of her magic, her eyes sparkling with tenderness. Then the ghost of his master lured the boy into her arms in a brief embrace, gently ruffled his hair with a smile of incomparable softness, and extended a helping hand to put him back on his feet. Finally, the memory faded, leaving room for reality to come back. And Gray found himself alone more than ever in the huge guild hall._

_Tears came to his eyes and his lips trembled under emotion when the guild door opened, attracting all the attention, including his. The door threshold was unsurprisingly occupied by Makarov, but he took only one step inside before stopping and turning around with a small encouraging wave of his hand. A few seconds later, another humanoid figure, a few centimeters smaller than the master, appeared behind him and all the faces except Gray's lit up with joy and curiosity._

_A little boy, around the age of eight, was now standing right next to Makarov, who gently took his hand to let him in. His gaze was sparkling with a fieriness that Gray had never seen anywhere else, and his large, wide eyes was flaring with excitement as they swept the room with ecstasy. His stunning, battled pink hair was covered in dust as if it had not been combed for months, and his clothes consisted only of a T-shirt too big for him and brown trousers torn at the knees, as well as a pair of brand-new shoes that contrasted completely with the dilapidated appearance of the rest of his clothing._ _A white scarf was wrapped around his neck, strangely intact despite the traces of grime sprinkling it here and there._

_Gray watched him close his mouth, which he had kept wide open, and look up at the master, who encouraged him to stand right in front of him before putting his hands on his shoulders and smiling at the band of children staring at them with big curious eyes. "This is Natsu, kids. He's going to live with us from now on. Give him a warm welcome."_

_They did not get it said twice and rushed to the new member, and Makarov moved slightly away to let them get to know each other. As soon as he was surrounded, Natsu answered the burst of questions sent to him with a bright smile on his face, until it was the others' turn to introduce themselves. Gray contemplated them without moving, as if hypnotized by the slightest gesture of this strange boy, from the movement of his lips to the one of his eyebrows, and he felt something strange, an emotion that he could not name, envelop his heart._

_He was so absorbed by this new feeling that he did not notice that the faces had turned towards him, and that a finger was pointed in his direction. "Oh, and that's Gray."_

_Natsu turned his head in his direction, following Erza's finger, and for the first time since his arrival, their eyes crossed. Gray did not move a muscle, nailed in place by the burning flame of a thousand different emotions dancing in his obsidian pupils. He expected to see him shrug and turn away from him with indifference, but instead his lips widened into a smile so dazzling with sincerity and benevolence that the ice mage felt more oppressed than ever. The soft heat enveloping his heart until now became suddenly suffocating and turned into severe pain, and Gray lost all his composure. Something broke inside him, making him tremble with incomprehensible rage, as witnessed by his sudden fist clenched against his side. _

_And he cracked._

"_What's the matter with that one smiling like a retard? Who the fuck is that bum?"_

_The spectators stared at him with round eyes, shocked to see the impassive lonely boy explode like that for no reason when their new companion had been more than friendly. He had always kept others at a distance but had never been mean or aggressive, content to apologize coldly or ignore them. He had never seen him leave his hinges, he never participated in conversations and only opened his mouth when a question was asked directly to him, most of the time to tell them that it was none of their business. He expressed only indifference in all circumstances, so it was totally surreal to see him even raise his voice, and even more be angry with someone he did not even know and who had done absolutely nothing to him. Gratuitous meanness was clearly not part of his habits, and yet for some incomprehensible reason, he had just odiously insulted Natsu like a carrion._

_Eyes turned to the pink-haired boy, waiting for his reaction with fear. The hurt gleam sparkling briefly in his eyes sent a wave of inexplicable contentment through Gray. He smiled inwardly with mockery, savoring his victory against the disgusting rejoicing that had now left the expression of that stupid boy who, without him even knowing why, was pissing him off so much. Levy was about to gently comfort him, telling him not to pay attention to Gray, and Erza to rebel against his abhorrent behavior. They were expecting Natsu to come small to escape the ice mage's hateful look with sadness, but they did not have the opportunity._

_The faint spark of pain barely visible in the fire mage's eyes disappeared as quickly as it had come to be replaced by a blazing inferno wildly thrown at Gray. The ice boy had to refrain from backing away from the flashes of pride and vitality sent to him. What disturbed him the most though, despite his palpable anger, was the total lack of hatred or resentment in his voice and face when he retorted: "What's your problem, droopy-eyes! Want to fight?!"_

_Cornered at first, Gray remained perfectly motionless, not used to be at the center of this kind of argument and the target of other's anger, but suddenly the same feeling as before grabbed him ferociously. He almost felt as if he was suffocating under the immaterial hand squeezing his heart even more savagely. Even before he realized what he was doing, he raised a palm in front of him, blinded with rage._

_The next second, a small ice spike flew on Natsu, scratching his cheek in his path before sticking itself in the wall behind him, gathering shocked exclamations from all the spectators. Even Natsu had frozen in stupor, and no one had time to react that Gray was already screaming like a fury: "Shut the fuck up, you retard! Talk to me and I'll turn you into a pile of ice cubes! I don't talk to losers like you, so leave me alone, got it?! Get out of my way!"_

_The book he was still holding in his hand was then thrown at Natsu, who received it in the head, tearing off a small exclamation of surprise and a grimace of pain, but the boy quickly regained his mind when the book fell to the ground. "Say that again, you little-"_

"_Enough, you two!" Makarov cut him off strongly, barely stopping him from throwing himself at Gray. Natsu continued to struggle like a madman against the hands holding him back from reducing this unbearable idiot to ashes, but as his attempts failed, the energy he put into it reduced accordingly until his fury was nothing more than a pile of smoking embers ready to go out._

_Preferring to separate the two boys as soon as possible before a tragedy occurred, Makarov ordered, letting go of Natsu and gently pushing him towards the other children with one hand behind his back: "Kids, take Natsu to see the guild, okay?"_

_Realizing that the master wanted to talk alone with Gray, they obeyed him and encouraged Natsu with a friendly patting on his shoulder, urging him to follow them. Although still fulminating, the Dragon Slayer let himself be guided towards the steps leading upstairs, and the troop disappeared onto the staircase._

_Makarov waited until they had left to head towards Gray who was staring at the ground, more disturbed than ever by what had just happened. He crouched down in front of him with an expression that was both reproving and understanding, and placed a firm hand on the boy's shoulder, who did not deign to look up at him. "What were you thinking, Gray?"_

_The boy turned his head further away, his lips pinched, before retorting dryly. "I hate him."_

_Makarov's features were full of compassion at this answer as he knew it was only due to the emotional instability governing all the acts of this tortured child. "Why? You don't even know him." He asked sadly._

_Gray did not answer immediately, confused. He did not even know why. He knew that his attitude towards this boy was unfair, but his way of behaving, smiling, glowing with joy of life had made him lose all his composure. He had the impression that he was laughing at him, at his pain, at his torments. Why should he have the right to be so happy, to have such an easy, carefree life, when he lived only in suffering and despair? It was unfair. He hated him and his repulsive zest for life. "I don't care. To hell with him."_

_Fairy Tail's master sighed with discouragement, knowing that he would get no answer from him no matter how much he insisted. He resigned himself to this state of affairs and said: "I can't force you to like him, but he doesn't deserve you to be mean with him, okay? He didn't do anything to you."_

"_It's not my fault if he's stupid."_

"_Gray."_

_The irrefutable authority conferred on his name made the ice mage wince, and he finally accepted reluctantly: "Fine."_

"_Good."_ _While Gray stubbornly continued to stare at the ground, Makarov tenderly ruffled his hair. Although he did not understand why Natsu had had such an effect on Gray's mental balance, he was aware that his tortured mind and heart were the source of it. He had to get rid of the chains that kept him trapped in the past in one way or another, before he completely gives in to the pressure, and before the pain drives him crazy. "Don't let the past and the pain take away the best from you, my boy."_

_The child jolted slightly at this statement, and finally consented to look up at Makarov when he softly placed his palm against Gray's heart, gently embalming it with his body heat. "If you give us a chance, I'm sure Fairy Tail will heal the wounds in your heart and bring out the love and kindness it bears. Let us seal your torments. Do not suffer alone."_

"_**I will seal your torments."**_

_Tears burst out instantly, Ul's words echoing in his head. Soon, his face took refuge in the fold of his elbow and his frail shoulders shook with sobs. Deeply affected by his sudden grief more palpable than ever, Makarov lured the sniffing, hiccupping boy in his arms, tenderly burying his tear-soaked face in the hollow of his neck, and closed his eyes. Gray did not resist the hug and instead released all his pain, desperately clinging to the back of his only source of support, which he held weakly in his trembling arms._

_The old man waited patiently for him to calm down, gently brushing his back while softly playing with his hair as a comfort, prolonging the embrace although the sobs had gradually decreased in frequency and intensity. The small, weak hands he felt clinging to his back and the tremors of this fragile body pressed against his chest made his old heart beat in unison with his, so strongly that he thought it was going to get out of his ribcage. This child was so desperate, so scarred. He could not really hold him accountable for his actions knowing how much he was suffering. He was afraid that he would not be able to help him as he had promised, and that he would see his heart, which he knew was full of goodness, break in hatred before his eyes and he could do nothing about it._

_He wondered if there was only a way to preserve it from total destruction._

* * *

_**Well, as you have probably understood now, the story will be made of pasts events told by Erza to Lucy interspersed with present events, where Lucy and Erza talk and where Gray and Natsu are going to see each other, later joined by Erza. This is the basis.**_

**_As you have also noticed, the past Gray is very different from the one he is in the manga, and it's perfectly intended. Just tell yourself that what I'm telling are the events that allowed Gray to become who he is as he gradually forges his relationship with Natsu. The way to get to that point will be veeeeeeery long and painful for both of them, and for Erza as well. Likewise again, I know that the fact that Gray is like this doesn't coincide with what we know in the manga about his relationship with Erza and what happened between them. But for my idea to come to life, I had to ignore this detail. As I was saying earlier, consider that nothing has happened with and between anyone since Gray and Natsu joined the guild. In the story it's only been two months since Gray joined the guild and therefore two months since Ul died, so it's not totally surreal to think that he can still be disturbed by what Deliora has put him through at all levels. Natsu will not be left out either when it comes to suffering and torment, far, far, far away from that. You will have the opportunity to notice it, especially from chapter 4 (and very, very subtly in chapter 3)._**

**_As for Lucy and Erza, consider that Erza doesn't know every detail I give when I'm writing what happened in the past. The details I give are for you readers, she doesn't know what was said during the discussion between Gray and Makarov, for example. I hope it will remain easy for you to separate what she knows from what she doesn't, please tell me if it's not. I don't think you can realize that too much at the moment, but with the following chapters informations will accumulate and it may be less easy for you to know. Erza tells Lucy what she knows about the story, but as soon as I start writing about the past, I'm telling the story to you. Erza doesn't tell all that to Lucy, just the things she saw herself when she was young. The rest is only me telling you. I don't know if I'm clear... not easy to explain._**

**_I don't have much more to say except beg you to leave something if you liked it, and maybe even explain why you didn't like it if you didn't. It will help me understand... Because this is really depressing._**

**_Well, meet me in two weeks for the next chapter, which will arrive on May 12._**

**_See you next time!_**


	3. At the dawn of hatred

_**Pouet !**_

**_Well, one review, yahoo... Thank you so much to _**_**Edweis **_**_without whom I would still be at 0. It kept me from despairing, so thank you ! And it has been a pleasure to talk to you afterwards :)._**

**_I hope that publishing more chapters will be enough to encourage people to leave a little something and that it is simply because the plot has not really taken off yet. I spent months and months writing non-stop to finish this story so it's really frustrating not to have more reviews, but I had a lot of fun writing it anyway so it's not that bad (just disappointing)._**

**_Well, I don't have much to say, a lot of dialogues here again, the plot doesn't take on its full scope yet, but with all that I finished the "introduction to the situation" part. From the next chapter it will start to move, or at least to go into a lot of details about the past relationship of our two little ones ;)._**

**_I'll see you at the bottom, enjoy your reading!_**

* * *

**Chapter 3: At the dawn of hatred**

_The tension had subsided when the children reached the first of the different rooms composing the first floor, which was voluntarily the infirmary. Natsu had calmed down strangely quickly after the incident of only a few seconds ago and seemed now completely elsewhere, or rather, Erza noticed, concentrated. His previously expressive features and sparkling eyes had turned into a neutrality far too dull compared to the almost excessive vitality he had shown since his arrival. His olive pupils had narrowed slightly under concentration, and he turned his head from time to time to stare at the void behind him before following them again, granting him a number of "What's going on? " from his new companions to which he almost jumped but never answered. Instead, he was satisfied with a small innocent smile and an apology pronounced with a deliberately silly and candid look on his face. He immediately returned to a more relaxed and usual expression before, after a while and when their attentions were no longer on him, returning to that concentration which seemed sadder and sadder each time it came back. He had just turned around an umpteenth time to gaze at the corridor when they had finally visited all the rooms._

_No one knew if their new friend had memorized anything given his obvious distraction, but they were satisfied at least with the fact that they had been able to use the occasion to take care of his cheek, which little Lisanna, in all her sweetness, had treated._

_When the visit was over the children decided to head back to the guild hall, but before the group reached the stairs, Natsu pulled Erza's sleeve to hold her, catching her attention._

_"We should… wait a little longer before we get back down."_

_Surprised, the little redhead turned to him, raising a questioning eyebrow, but when she inquired about their new companion's saddened expression she took his warnings seriously and ordered the rest of the group. "W-Wait a minute!" They stopped at her order, surprised but knowing better than to contest it. Erza turned again to Natsu. "What is it, Natsu? Don't worry about Gray, he won't do anything to y-"_

_"It's not that. Just… maybe you should go check that Jii-chan's done talking to him."_

_Erza was not sure if it was useful, but her instinct ordered her to listen to him without her really knowing why. She nodded, vaguely wondering how he could know that the master was actually talking with the ice mage. "Fine. I'll go check it out. The rest of you, stay here. Wait until I get back."_

_She crawled through the compact mass formed by her companions without waiting for an answer and silently walk down the stairs. She stopped abruptly at the bottom, coming face to face with what Natsu had the right intuition to suspect, although she did not understand how he could have known._

_A few meters away from her, Gray was sobbing in Makarov's arms, and his face, which was facing her, seemed to have aged a few more years under the affliction wrinkling him. Erza remained motionless, tears in her eyes. Even though Gray had had an intolerable behavior towards Natsu, she could not remain insensitive to the distress emanating from him at that moment, confirming what she had always known._

_She was the one who knew Gray the best because she had been the only one who had managed to penetrate his defenses a little and encourage him to talk to her, even if it was still banalities. She knew that their companion was consumed by something, that he was suffering, but had never succeeded in pushing him to confess what was tormenting him._

_So, no one knew anything about his past or what brought him to Fairy Tail, just as he did not know her own story or any other, as he never wanted to know them. She had tried to integrate him into the rest of the guild without success, collecting only the lies saying that he preferred to stay alone and that he did not need anyone. The impassibility and calm he displayed in all circumstances tried to mislead them, but she, Erza Scarlet, could not be fooled so easily. She had been in pain for too long not to recognize it when she saw it. Gray needed help._

_Unfortunately, all her attempts for comfort had been swept away by the ice mage's coldness, and she had never made any progress in her intentions to lower the barriers protecting Gray's heart and his true personality. She then had begun to believe that nothing could work._

_Until Natsu's unexpected arrival._

_The new member had triggered something in Gray, that was undeniable. She had no idea what had served as a detonator, but this cheerful boy had somehow activated it, penetrating the other boy's defenses without his consent. Not once had Gray exploded like that and been so violent with anyone, let alone a stranger. Erza was sure that if he had done so, it was only because he had felt oppressed by his presence, and that he had not known how to react otherwise. She was convinced that he had nothing against Natsu personally, how could he when he had just met him? She herself had felt a strange feeling when she came into contact with the boy, even though she had not reacted in the same way and would not be able to associate a name with it. Natsu had something undeniably special, and that was probably what made Gray behave the way he did. Perhaps it would be better to simply prevent them from meeting again, so that this kind of violent quarrel would not happen again._

_It was with hesitation that she approached the two embraced bodies, the bitterness having totally left her behavior. None of them seemed to noticed her approach, so she called in a low voice: "M-Master…"_

_He opened his eyes to the call of his tittle, Gray's puny little body still huddled against him, and meet a febrile Erza staring at him sadly. Softened by the compassion emanating from her, Makarov asked gently, almost whispering: "What is it, Erza?"_

_"I-It was just to see if we could go back down, but…"_

_The little girl's gaze was lost on Gray's tiny, snuggling form in the master's arms, who finally broke his grip, considering that the stop of his sobs was a sufficient proof that Gray had succeeded in stabilizing his emotions. He kept his head down as he stepped back, ashamed, and Makarov asked him, putting his hands on his shoulders again. "Will you be alright, Gray? Can they come back?"_

_The boy nodded shyly and the master beckoned Erza to go get the others, which she did, not without a last sympathetic look at the ice mage._

_She went back upstairs, still troubled by what she had just seen, and only stopped when she bumped into a soft surface, taking her out of her muddy thoughts. Her eyes met Macao when she lifted them, and an insecure smile drew on her lips when she saw his, which tried to be encouraging and comforting. Behind him, Wakaba was explaining something to the other children in front of whom he had crouched down, and she noticed that Natsu was standing slightly back, looking totally elsewhere._

_"What's going on?" She asked Macao. "The master said we could come back."_

_"Don't worry, Erza. You're not concerned about that. And I don't think our new little companion is either, by the look on his face."_

_Erza did not know what he was referring to but she still focused on the pink-haired boy, who did not seem to listen to a word Wakaba was saying to them. As if he had felt the weight of her gaze, she saw him directing his eyes at her before giving her a big smile and a small wave of his hand, to which she blushed slightly. This boy was really a little ball of energy and emotions. Just the opposite of Gray._

_This comparison reminded her of what had to be done, and she suddenly said while Wakaba finally freed his audience from his explanations: "I have to talk to him."_

_Macao titled his head to the side, caught off guard, but did not hold her back when she bypassed him to head for the Dragon Slayer. She made her way to him without caring about the protests of her friends she was pushing around in her path. She took him by the arm, forcingly dragging him away from the others where no one could hear them. Natsu tried to make her let go of him, but it was a waste of time against the powerful grip of the little temperamental mage._

_"W-What's going on?" He asked when they had stopped, scratching his head with a silly look._

_"Shut up and listen!"_

_"A-Aye, ma'am!"_

_Erza sighed at this reaction, which for a reason that was obscure only to her looked like the one she was always getting, except of course from the evil Mirajane. "I think you and Gray should avoid talking to each other." She explained in an authoritative voice. "Stay away from him."_

_Natsu's arms fell back down his side as he lowered his eyes, visibly saddened. Erza blamed herself for being so dry with him without considering what he might feel. She was going to apologize as she realized he had probably misinterpreted her words, but the fire mage beat her to it, turning his head even further away with a guilty look. "I'm sorry if I did something wrong…" Erza opened her mouth to protest, shocked that he could think something like that when he had done nothing to deserve the guilt he was feeling, but once again, Natsu was quicker. "I wasn't trying to cause any problem, I swear. I just didn't think and-"_

_"Hey, don't say that! You didn't do anything wrong!" The boy looked up, surprised, and Erza continued. "I just wanted to say… well… I don't want you two to hurt yourself unnecessarily, so…"_

_"I'll do it."_

_The assurance with which he had expressed himself and his suddenly resolved eyes confused her deeply. Where did he get these kinds of emotions from, after he had been odiously rejected by one of them? He should be outraged and angry, claiming that it was not his fault if Gray was so obnoxious and that he did not care about him, but instead, he was determined to help them, including the very person who had insulted him. It was as if he __**knew**__ that Gray was suffering and that he had decided not to blame him._

_It was Erza's turn to look down, embarrassed. "You know, Gray is not bad… I don't know why he reacted like that, but this is the first time it happened. It's not your fault, but I think you brought back memories or something. He's just in pain and… well… don't blame him."_

_She waited for an answer from him but when it did not come, Erza looked up at him and, once again, met the last thing she had expected to see. A huge smile._

_It was not only a smile expressing his approval to her request, it was a smile promising unconditional dedication to the task of helping his new family as best as possible, including Gray. A smile that had nothing to do there after the way the ice mage had treated him, even considering the arguments she had just given him. She had simply had to mention Gray's suffering to get this unbelievable reaction from him, she had absolutely not had to convince him to abandon any possible desire for retaliation. Given the speed at which he had approved at her request, he probably never even had one. It had not been necessary to provide him with proof that Gray was suffering. As if he already knew._

_Erza smiled timidly, still surprised but pleased by his reaction. This boy was definitely one of a kind._

* * *

_Gray wiped the last snippets of tears from his cheeks as Makarov stood up, breaking all physical contact with the child. "Everything's going to be fine, my boy. You'll see."_

_Once again, an affirmative nod was his only answer, but the old master was satisfied with it. A few seconds later, they heard a burst of steps from the first floor, and the group, except Natsu and Erza, appeared in the hall with gloomy faces._

_The ice mage looked at Makarov and he smiled at him. "Are you hungry?" Gray shook his head negatively. His stomach was muddy, his mouth dry and his tongue infected with the disgusting taste of his own words. The thought of swallowing anything made him nauseous and he was exhausted. Makarov guessed it and proposed instead: "Do you want to rest? You can sleep in the infirmary for a while, if you want."_

_This time he nodded weakly, and the master did the same before reaching out to him. Gray grabbed his hand after a second of hesitation, and Makarov guided him to the first floor in silence, holding his little hand in the protective grip of his own._

_Two presences in the corridor immediately caught Gray's attention, who looked up at them, his heart beating, realizing who it could be. Indeed, he saw Natsu and Erza walking side by side in the opposite direction in complete silence, and his gaze stopped on the plaster covering the fire mage's cheek. He immediately turned his head away, afraid that hatred and resentment would appear on his previously benevolent face and would be thrown at him._

_Yet when he reached his level, he could not help but discreetly stretch his pupils towards him while keeping his head low, but what he saw in the other boy's eyes and expression was nothing like what he should have seen. No desire for revenge, no wickedness, no coldness or even hatred. Just sadness, compassion, and a bit of embarrassment as he too was looking at him from the corner of his eye, obviously uncomfortable._

_Why? He had insulted him, belittled him, and even physically attacked him, had projected his hatred on him like a beast for no reason, so how could he carry such an expression? Without really knowing why, he hated it. What right did he have to feel sorry for him?_

_In his eyes blinded by misfortune, there was only one possible reason why Natsu could be so devoid of desires for revenge after being attacked in this way: he intended to toy with him. After all, his first reaction to his aggressiveness had been to respond to it, it had been instinctive, and it could only mean one thing: __his current amiability was a lie. It was just an act, a decoy meant to fool the guild about his true motivations and to simulate a fake benevolence and kindness._

_The pain of his heart yet allayed by Makarov's comfort came back, and as rage gradually reappeared, pulling his features badly, he made a decision._

_One day, he would make that happy smile disappear from that stupid kid who dared to make fun of him. He was going to regret trying to screw up his life._

* * *

Erza fell silent, closing this part of the story. In front of her, Lucy was hardly processing her words, both fascinated and deeply saddened to see how she had always imagined their encounter being so savagely broken by reality. Gray and Natsu... they had always opposed each other, and she had expected their meeting to be hectic, but… not in this way.

Especially not in this way.

By the way Erza described him, Natsu seemed to be the same as today, happy, energetic, and smiling, but Gray... Even if he had always been more measured and calmer than his rival, he was still a warm and friendly person, he was fighting but not violent, and above all, he was benevolent and fraternal. Imagining that he could have been that cold, lonely, and miserable boy made her feel bad. Fortunately, _fortunately_, Fairy Tail had been there to help him, they had managed to save him from his darkness. She preferred not to think about what would have become of him if they had not.

"And I thought they already hated each other… But this… is something else."

"Indeed, it was totally different. Gray _really_ hated Natsu. He has hated him from the first day, and it only got worse after that."

Lucy was about to ask her if she knew why, but changed her mind at the last minute. If Gray had been so aggressive when he did not know anything about Natsu yet and when the fire mage had greeted him so warmly, there was only one possible reason. Perhaps her vision would have been different if she did not know Gray as she did now, but there was no doubt that he had never wanted to hurt anyone. Erza had said it herself, Natsu must have somehow triggered something in Gray that made him hate him. His despair had simply spoken for him.

This did not exonerate him of his wrongs, Natsu had not deserved to be rejected in this way and she did not dare to imagine how he must have felt about the gratuitous wickedness he had endured, but Gray was too young and seemed to suffer too much to be held truly responsible for his actions. "Gray was really desperate, huh?"

It was not a question, but Erza replied anyway, saddened by the memories this indisputable truth was bringing back. "Yes… He was still extremely disturbed by his parents' and his master's death, but all we knew back then was that he was suffering, nothing else. That his emotions were messed up, that he couldn't handle them, and that's why he reacted so aggressively, not because he was nasty by nature. Fortunately, Natsu realized it and didn't blame him, or they probably would have ended up killing each other."

Lucy grimaced at this eventuality, blessing the sky for allowing Gray to free himself from this self-destructive spiral to became the man he was now. She could not have borne to see him so sad or watch him, helpless, hounding a Natsu who was not doing anything wrong. She had always loved watching them fight and bicker, hiding how much they respected each other behind a bunch of insults each as zany as the next, she loved their rivalry. But never, _never_, would she have wanted to see her two friends tear each other apart. This mere perspective made her feel nauseous, the worst part being that it had only been hung by a thread for it to happen. Only one small change, and everything she knew about them would never have existed.

All it would have taken was for Natsu not to be this compassionate and understanding man, and the future, her present, would have been drastically transformed. The little Dragon Slayer would have had every right to be angry and outraged by the injustice he was facing, to seek revenge, it would have been highly legitimate. Instead though, he had forgiven. Even as a child, he was already that fair and loyal person she knew by heart, and this observation almost made her want to cry. He really had not changed.

She had always appreciated this side of his personality, but now she cherished it even more. His predisposition to empathy had probably allowed them to avoid the worst.

Yet… Natsu's character was not limited to that. Nothing was rivalling his impulsiveness, and as compassionate as he could be, this characteristic should have been taken into account in his way of dealing with Gray's hatred for him, even if he had forgiven him afterwards. The adrenaline that his insults had risen should not have gone down so quickly, Natsu should not have felt guilty and compassionate before he had even known how much Gray was suffering, let alone adhered to Erza's solution asking him to stay away. The fire mage was combative, in this situation he should have proclaimed loud and clear that he would prove Gray what he was worth, that he would set him on the right path. Perhaps he would even have sworn to save him from his demons, but it did not look like him to submit to passivity.

"I know Natsu forgives easily, but still… I'm surprised he took it all so calmly. It's Natsu we're talking about… Even without talking about revenge, I thought he would have been more… combative."

"This is partly because he felt more sadness than hatred for Gray despite what he did to him. Not to mention that he thought he was at fault."

"That's the point. I can't imagine him accepting to stay away and do nothing, even more so if he thought he was responsible. And it was obvious it wasn't his fault, right?"

"Maybe for others, but not for him. No one realized it, but in fact… Natsu had really no self-confidence at all."

Lucy believed at the time that she had heard wrong, but Erza's expression proved her that she had not. The thought of a Natsu without self-confidence seemed as absurd as the one of a nasty Gray, and she wondered if she had not been wrong to compare him with the child he had once been. Even if it was in a subtler way than his rival, even if his personality remained the same overall, Natsu had changed.

It was not that strange for a child to lack confidence, after all it was something coming along the years and experiences, but Natsu had never been an ordinary person, he was not like everyone else.

"It doesn't look like him…" She muttered, more for herself than for the person she was speaking to.

"Unfortunately, it is. Much less than when he was little, but more than he makes everyone believe. I can't be sure if that's still the case now but he had no self-esteem, and to be honest I think he still has very little."

The firmness of her answer left little room for doubts, but Lucy could not swallow her disbelief and she suddenly came out of her thoughts to stare at Erza, seeking for any sign that she was joking. Her confident, melancholic look informed her of her seriousness once again, and all the consequences of such a truth attacked her simultaneously. Erza had used the present time, and Lucy was well aware of what it meant. And it did not make any sense.

She closed her mouth that her daze had kept ajar, and she whispered her confusion, without really knowing if this discovery made her sad of simply dubious. "I find it hard to believe…"

"That's normal. He doesn't show it more now than he did before. But it's true… in a way. It's complicated to explain, it'll be clearer when I tell you the rest."

Lucy was not really reassured to learn that Natsu's supposed lack of self-confidence was one of the crucial points of the incident that would follow, but agreed to curb her oppressive impatience. "Okay… So, he guessed Gray was in trouble, that's it? Otherwise he had no reason to feel guilty. Gray could very well have been an aggressive person, for all he knew him."

"Not quite. He just heard the conversation between Gray and the master while we were upstairs. I don't know what they've said myself, but since it ended up like that… I guess it gave him enough information, and it affected him a lot."

Which was explaining why he did not take offense to Gray's behavior more than that, and why he questioned himself. Erza seemed to read her mind because she nodded before adding: "And besides… Natsu hates conflict, and he hates being the cause even more. I mean _real _conflicts, I'm not talking about fighting or our usual brawls. That's why he always seems to take everything so lightly."

Meditating on the question, Lucy recalled all the reactions Natsu had had in various situations, and quickly realized that Erza was probably right. When it came to fighting, he was always the first to throw himself into battle with a zeal of his own, he regularly challenged everyone, but he had never sought to fight for emotions like revenge or hatred. Anger eventually when it came to fighting against an enemy who had hurt someone, whether it was a person dear to him or not, but nothing else. He had never deliberately sought conflict and hurt anyone, and every time two or more of his friends quarreled for other reasons than amusement, he systematically threw an idiocy with the widest smile possible to sweep away any anger or resentment and lighten the atmosphere.

It made him seem to take everything lightly even in the most serious situations, as if he was too stupid to realize their gravity, but in fact it was quite the opposite. It was precisely because he realized it that he was reacting in this way. And he indeed seemed to flee from this kind of conflict like the plague, because she had never seen him be at the center of any of them. On the rare occasions that someone had tried, blaming him for one thing or another, Natsu had always just apologized with a silly look on his face, and the tension would then drop instantly, ending the conflict.

He had always had the gift of relaxing the atmosphere and soothing people's hearts in less than five seconds. All you had to do was to set your eyes on his smiles and silly looks.

"Yes, I think I understand what you mean."

Erza assimilated this answer with a nod, knowing that by her intelligence and perspicacity, the stellar mage would have already realized all this. "But at that time, I didn't know him well enough to really understand him. I didn't even know he had the ability to hear from such a distance, so his behavior really didn't make sense to me. Even before he was already a phenomenon..."

Lucy smiled laughingly, although she found Erza's voice too dull considering the amusing nature of the statement. It should have provoked much more lightness in her behavior, and her near impassivity caused her some uneasiness. That did not prevent her from exclaiming in a cheerful voice though, the image of their indescribable Dragon Slayer happily clinging to her thoughts: "I didn't imagine him any other way!"

Erza smiled affectionately, but Lucy noticed how gloomy and sorry the young woman seemed, as if she was about to disappoint her. Her smile disappeared as she closed her eyes, and her voice almost broke when she confessed: "And yet, Lucy, he was so far from the Natsu you know…"

The stellar mage did not really know whether she should be sad or just curious, but the palpable tension in Erza's attitude oppressed her enough to make her uncomfortable. This was obviously not an information she should take lightly. "What do you mean?"

"When he had just joined the guild he never fought, even with us. When there was a fight, he encouraged us but never participated. If I knew him as I know him now, I could have guessed that something was wrong but..."

Lucy felt her anguish grasping her heart even more firmly despite the innocuous appearance of this new detail. The reasons why Natsu apparently refrained from fighting when he probably wanted to could be multiple, but all those that came to her mind were futile, insignificant. Erza's guilty expression was more than eloquent though: his refusal to participate in the fights nested within a vaster whole, making this singularity a crucial element. If something was wrong with Natsu and could make the imperturbable Titania so nervous, the reason behind the fire mage's unusual behavior was probably particularly painful.

She had no idea what it might be, but she preferred not to ask her friend, who changed the subject: "Anyway, after that Natsu and Gray stayed as far away from each other as possible, and at first it worked pretty well. But Gray was withdrawing more and more into himself, and even I couldn't get him to talk to me..."

Erza's eyes became damp and Lucy felt throughout her being the tenderness she had for Gray and how the memory of him being so unhappy and broken affected her. She could see that she was trying to remain stoic and maintain a neutral voice, but the stellar mage detected all the emotions harassing her as she put into words the depths of her memory. She did not need to imagine what a burden the vision of her two best friends tearing each other apart must have been. Erza's voice carried all its weight and distress.

"I tried everything... To make him smile with idiocies, to make him angry with reprimands, to force him to talk to me with orders or comforting words... Nothing worked, he didn't even look up at me and ignored me completely. He never said a word even to make me leave. I was losing him, but no matter what I did, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. The only time he opened his mouth... was to insult Natsu. And the worst part..."

Erza had to stop at the mere thought of the shameful way she had handled Gray's indifference to her, blaming the boy's suffering on someone who had actually done nothing wrong. When she thought about it now, her heart was throbbing with shame. Yet if there was anyone who could listen to her confession without judging her, it was definitely Lucy. This gave her the courage to confess her crimes. "The worst part is that I blamed him for being the only one Gray was talking to, even if it was to tell him horrible things. I blamed him for making Gray so miserable, when he had done nothing and was my friend."

"Erza…" Although she was surprised by what she just said, Lucy was mostly saddened by the guilt emanating from the redhead woman.

Her friend's compassionate reaction allowed Erza to relax a little despite the dishonor she had brought to Natsu's name and her disgust with herself. She then went on, both bitter and melancholic: "I'm so ashamed that I've never told anyone about this, and especially not to Natsu. I loved him and at the same time... I cursed his existence. He hadn't joined the guild for a long time but he had still been there for me many times, and that's how I thanked him..."

Lucy did not know what to say, feeling unable to cheer her up without lying. Erza's guilt was justified, and even if the mere fact that she regretted her actions was enough for anyone to forgive her, what she had felt for Natsu was still cruel and unfair. It would almost be an insult to Natsu to say that Erza had not done anything wrong, so she could only sympathize in silence. She waited for Erza to finish confessing what she had in her heart, watching for any opportunity to comfort her without being dishonest.

Erza was too lost in her memories and emotions to realize the silence of her interlocutor. She continued with an absent look, as if she had forgotten that someone was listening to her. "The worst part was that Natsu knew very well that Gray was suffering from his presence, and he already felt guilty enough to be the cause of his misfortune. He was doing everything he could to try to save him from the darkness eating him, and I was too blinded by my resentment and his false pretenses of joy to notice it."

The young woman shivered at this reminiscence, and she almost felt like she was confronting this vile grudge again, even though she now knew how much Natsu had suffered behind his appearances of unbeatable happiness. Her shame was all the more unbearable and she bowed down, unable to look anyone in the eye. "Natsu was suffering much more than I was, but I couldn't see anything and was only cursing him in silence. If he had realized it... he might not be with us now and just thinking about it makes me sick."

Lucy did not understand why her feelings could have made Natsu disappear from her life, but the thought of asking her did not even cross her mind. Erza obviously needed comfort and redemption, so now that the opportunity came, the only thing that mattered was to give them to her as much as she would be able. "Listen, Erza… I don't know why you say that, but Natsu is here, right? There's no point in mourning what might have been... it's all in the past and nothing will change it. Whatever happened, Natsu is here and will still be in the future, and he knows you care about him. So, don't torture yourself... Even if you told him all this now, I'm sure he'd never blame you for it."

Erza resisted the urge to snigger in desperation. The fact that Natsu was someone who forgave easily, _too_ easily, did not really comfort her. She would not deserve his forgiveness after what she had done if he found out, and yet Natsu would give it to her without hesitation, inevitably appeasing her guilt. She could not accept it. It was not that she would not have liked to feel better, but she could not tolerate being able to get rid of her shame without ever paying the price for her actions.

Despite that, for having said it to Gray so many times herself, she was aware that Lucy was right on one point: the past had to remain in the past. It could not be changed, and Natsu was now as happy and fulfilled as he could be, no matter what they had both done before. It was useless to still blame yourself for something that no longer had any impact on the present. The simple fact of engaging in this ritual every year to remember and feel guilty for their past sins was enough to expiate them, little by little.

"I know that, Lucy. Excuse me, it's just… these days are really hard and the memories are particularly strong."

"I'm sorry…"

Erza did not really know if she was sorry for her or if she apologized for forcing her to tell this painful past despite her feelings already ignited by these particular days, but whether it was one or the other of these reasons she could not let her feel guilty. "Don't be. Actually, I couldn't think of a better person to talk to about it than you, Lucy. Thank you."

"The pleasure is all mine, Erza." Lucy smiled timidly, and asked when she noticed that Erza was still lost in the thoughts her confessions had generated. "A-Are you sure you're gonna be okay?"

"I'm fine, don't worry. The past belongs to the past, right?"

"Exactly!"

Lucy's smile was stronger this time, and Erza could not help but answer it with her own, although it was more subdued. It eventually disappeared though as she thought of what remained to be told, and she shook her head sadly before resuming the conversation where it had ended. "Anyway, seeing the two of them destroy each other like that... It was really awful. Fortunately, Natsu was not trying to take revenge and ignored Gray's insults, or the situation would have been even more difficult."

Lucy could not imagine how much. For nothing in the world would she have wanted to see Natsu and Gray tear each other apart so savagely in their desperate attempts to silence their suffering, without even wanting to be that violent. She also preferred not to imagine what would have happened if Natsu had responded to Gray's aggressive acts. The already complicated situation would surely have become critical and would probably even have generated irreparable consequences in the relationship between the two rivals. She blessed Natsu for having been able to face these insults without developing any desire for revenge.

"Things stayed that way for two weeks," Erza continued, "and the situation was rather stable. Only... it remained extremely tense and was oppressing them both equally. So, one day... Natsu tried to talk to him."

* * *

_**Can you feel the disaster coming? I didn't stop it there for no reason, I think it's enough to announce the color.**_

_**What else can I say? The first part of the past with Natsu and Erza is not there to look pretty, we have some small details about the feelings of our little Natsu, which will be confirmed in a drastic way in the next chapter. What he says, how he reacts etc. will find all its meaning and believe me, what explains his behavior is not insignificant at all and will be the nerve of his evolution throughout the story. I don't know if with the very small clues I put you can understand what I'm talking about, I hope you still noticed that he has a little something different (not to mention what Erza says later about his unusual absence in any guild fight that we know well is particularly appreciated by our favorite Dragon Slayer).**_

_**To still talk about Natsu, I hope that what Erza says about him doesn't seem too… too much, especially when I talk about his lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. It will probably seem more relevant to you later, when I go into more details about what tormented him in the past. But even if I only mention it, I hope you can imagine what might explain what Erza says, or at least that it's seems credible enough for you to have a vague idea. I hope that you didn't think "What the f***" when you read that and that it didn't seem completely absurd to say such a thing about him. That says through Lucy's thoughts and reactions I think I have sufficiently supported the fact that this has a justified reason, and that if it sounds weird said that way, it will really make sense when you know more. **_

**_Erza, now. The most important thing with her is to be able to describe how much she cares about Natsu and Gray without necessarily making any special events to show it. In this chapter this fact is supposed to be highlighted when she discovers our little Gray sobbing in Makarov's arms. _****_The paragraph where I talk about her relationship with Gray since he joined the guild is short, but I hope I was specific enough for you to feel that she really cares about Gray. I tried to reinforce this too through her conversation with Lucy, when she tells everything she tried to do to get Gray to talk to her again._**

**_About Gray, he's the one who had the most development so far and for whom I've been most precise about his emotions, what torments him and what makes him so cold and sad. From then on, his development will mainly be linked to his relationship with Natsu, which will encourage his feelings and emotions to accentuate and evolve. I guess that what I say at the end of the "past" part gives you a global idea of how it will evolve… I hope you're prepared for the worst :p. _**

**_The more than doubtful reason he gives to himself to be able to hate and resent Natsu is rather eloquent about his emotional instability. I think I supported enough the very strange and unnamed feeling he felt the first time he laid eyes on Natsu when he arrived so that you could understand that reaction from him. It's not that I didn't have any ideas to make Gray hate Natsu more even if he didn't do anything against him, it's mostly to show that Gray is trying to find any reason to justify his hatred towards Natsu that he doesn't even understand himself, that he's trying to find any excuse to feel that this feeling isn't unfair and unjustified and that he's not doing a bad thing by being mean to him. The next chapter will be extremely clear on what this behavior has eventually generated, and it's not pretty._**

**_Well, I think that's all I wanted to say. The next chapter, although very important, is very short (only about 3,400 words), but when you read it you will understand why I couldn't stop it at another moment. It's not only a question of suspense, but also of the pure and hard construction of the chapter. _**

**_Now I just have to beg you again to leave me a review... I don't have much hope, but well, it doesn't cost anything to ask, so that's it._**

**_Well, see you in two weeks for the next chap' on May 26th._**


	4. Symmetry

**_Pouet!_**

**_Here's chapter 4! It's very short compared to the others, but you'll understand why at the end. I really couldn't stop the chapter at another time. Despite its short length I am extremely proud of this chap'._**

**_Enjoy your reading._**

**JKD : **Another reviewer, finally! I was starting to desperate :p. Thank you for your compliments, I'm really happy you liked the story, and I would be thrilled to what you have to say! I love Natsu's relationship with Gray too, like really love it. They are the best. Anyway, of course I can read this, why couldn't I ? Don't worry, you don't need to know French at all. I'm relieved to know my translation is good too. Thanks again, I hope you'll like this chapter too! Don't hesitate to tell me if it is :).

* * *

**Chapter 4 : Symmetry**

_Despite the anxiety torturing his stomach for what he had decided to do that day, experienced at all times through the contact of his fingers on the book he held in his hand, Natsu was running towards the guild with a huge smile on his lips. The streets of Magnolia were barely waking up at this early hour of the morning, but even if the boy knew that his new home would still be drowsy or even asleep, he could not bring himself to wait another minute to get there._

_Because for the first time since Igneel's disappearance, he finally had a place to come back to again, a place he could call "home"._

_It had only been seventeen days since he joined Fairy Tail, but despite the "small" negative note called Gray, Natsu already felt in his place as he had never felt in eleven months since his adopted father had abandoned him. After so long surviving on his own in the mountains and forests with hunger, thirst and cold as his only partners, every minute spent away from any presence became more stifling than the previous one, bringing him closer to the panic attack. It only was taking him a few hours then for the pain of loneliness, that he had already experienced all too much, to reach its maximum level. To relieve his little heart in need of company before it broke, he had no choice but to fill its holes with the presence of his new family as soon as possible. That's why he was always one of the first to arrive._

_As soon as their faces appeared and smiled at him, the pain disappeared instantly._

_And since Fairy Tail was healing his wounds, he was doing everything to heal its own, to be useful and make the guild blaze with joy. He knew better than anyone where the slightest misstep would lead him because he had already experienced it twice, and he would not survive a third occurrence, so he knew what he had to do. He would never be a burden to anyone again, even if it meant sacrificing everything he owned. He had no interest except for the prosperity of those around him and he would do everything to preserve it, it was now his only reason to live. Their happiness was making his. _

_Today again, he would devote himself body and soul to his reason for being. Make smiles explode, protect them the best he could so they never dry up, and make everyone as happy as they can be. Well, everyone... except one._

_His relationship with Gray had not improved since their first meeting, and Natsu was increasingly affected by the hostility the other boy had towards him. What had he done to make him despise and hate him so much? The more he thought about it, the less meaningless it became. And the less meaningless it was, the more he thought he would never be able to end it. How could he fix things if he did not even know what needed to be changed? Gray undoubtedly considered him a threat but... a threat to what? To his honor, his happiness, his healing? Or maybe was he, in some way, already hurting him? And if so, how?_

_He had not talk to him to let him get used to his presence and develop his own opinion of him, get to know him well enough to realize, with a bit of luck, that he was not someone he should be suspicious of, without any result. Gray was going from bad to worse despite everything._

_He was closing himself to others more and more every day, no one could tear off a single word from him, even to repel them. When someone tried to talk to him, he would only growl or make a glib gesture to dismiss them, never looking up from his reading. Natsu was the only one who was able, very unwillingly, to break his silence to pronounce obscenities._

_When it came to making him understand that he abhorred his presence, Gray the impassive was replaced by another, aggressive and nasty one. Meals were the only time the two boys were within earshot, and the ice mage rarely did not throw an insult or two when Natsu opened his mouth. Of course, the others reacted to defend him, but he drew no satisfaction from it. Because every time this happened, the darkness in Gray's eyes seemed to intensify._

_The more he insulted him, the more severely he was reprimanded. _

_The more severely he was reprimanded, the more he hated him._

_And the more he hated him, the more he insulted him. _

_It was an endless cycle that he did not know how to stop. Resisting by hiding his pain behind even bigger smiles was not enough, and it was getting harder and harder to remain stoic in the face of the insulting nicknames Gray was having fun giving him when he spoke to him. Stupid, Good-for-nothing, Trash, Scrap, Dirtbag, Garbage, Detritus, Parasite... the whole dictionary of synonyms for "I hate you" had been used, or would be if he continued on this path, and the pain and anger Natsu felt at each occurrence grew accordingly. He was afraid that one day he would eventually lose it._

_It was already surprising that he had resisted the temptation to cry or rebel against Gray's behavior until then, and he owed this feat to only two things._

_Firstly, losing his new friends because he was too weak or combative was something he could not risk._

_And secondly…_

_He had never forgotten the words that Gray and Makarov had shared the day of his arrival, let alone the tears that had been shed._

_Every time he saw that boy over there, all alone at that big empty table, getting lost in his despair and reading books after books without talking to anyone, his heart tightened and only one adjective came to his mind: sad. It was too **sad**. He knew better than anyone else the ignoble pain of loneliness, so he **knew** that he was not isolating himself because he wanted to be alone as he claimed, it was impossible. He was isolating himself because he was in pain, because something prevented him from mingling with others. When he looked at him, he did not see that obnoxious kid who was just insulting and despising him. He saw the sad and desperate boy hiding behind, a child with a heart full of sleeping tears waiting to be awoken. Then anger evaporated instantly, replaced by an immense compassion. All he wanted to do was help him. _

_He had once tried, through a few tears and the worst anxiety attack he had ever experienced, not to go to the guild for a whole day to see if Gray's condition would improve. He had stayed by the river until late in the afternoon, fighting every second against the urge to silence the suffocating pain of loneliness crushing his lungs and the panic compressing his airway, almost blocking his breathing and accelerating his heart rate. His heart could not stand it though and he had found himself rushing into the guild hall like a cannonball, on the edge of asphyxia and dripping with sweat. The mages had rushed at him in a single crowd movement, bombarding him with their panic and worry, and thanks to a smile and a miserable excuse that had earned him to be called an idiot, he had been able to keep his secret._

_He could not let such a weakness be revealed, or he would end up alone again. Anything that might lead them to reject him had to be kept silent. _

_Gray had then given him the darkest look he had ever thrown at him, as if he was accusing him of not being able to stop himself from coming to mess with his life, and Natsu had felt more useless than ever. The ice mage quickly had turned away from him with a disappointed and despicable sigh, narrowly missing the defeated and sorry expression the fire mage had displayed for a moment. He had not lifted his eyes from the book he was studying for the rest of the evening._

_Natsu had understood then that his actions had only served to generate more hatred, and he had never repeated the experience. Gray would still hate him, no matter what he would do. He only needed one thing: for Natsu to disappear, purely and simply, from his life. And that, the weak child he was could not offer it to him._

_Fairy Tail was **vital** to him. It was beyond his strength to stay away from it for more than a few hours, that day had proved it to him. _

_He had to find another way. _

_He had followed Erza's advice by staying away from Gray, but the more he did, the more he felt it was wrong. How could ignoring someone who was suffering before his eyes be **right**? Doing so only deepened the cleavage, maintained the hatred Gray had for him, and if he continued in this way he could probably no longer be saved. No matter how much he was told otherwise, it was his fault if his condition was getting worse, and seeing someone miserable because of him was more painful in his eyes than any insult or physical injury Gray could inflict on him. _

_That's why he decided that today would be different. No matter how many times he was going to be rejected, insulted or despised, no matter how many times he had to give up his pride and let himself be trampled on without retaliating, he would break the masks and lower all the barriers at all costs. If actions had no effect, words might have one. _

_Natsu stopped at the guild's threshold and laid his eyes on the book he was holding in his hands, determined._

_Today, he will talk to Gray._

* * *

_The afternoon was pulling towards dusk, and the mages were gradually starting to leave the guild hall, which had already almost emptied. All the adults except Makarov had already gone to their respective homes for the night as well as most of the children, but to Gray's great misfortune, Natsu, alias Microbe for today, was almost always the last to leave and tonight was no exception._

_Since his discussion with Makarov and his tearful outburst, Gray had **really** tried to keep his promise and retain the hateful impulses haunting him as soon as his eyes landed on Microbe and each time that he had the opportunity to make that disgusting smile disappear from his face. He would sit at a table even further away from him every day and sometimes even move to another place when he got too close. He would try to concentrate on his books even when he felt the need to take a break, never answer anyone to avoid looking up and inadvertently running into even only his shadow, but all these precautions became useless as soon as lunchtime arrived and often, his urges took over._

_None of them were old and experienced enough for Makarov to allow them to go on a mission, so all the children were fed and housed by the guild with the money the adults brought back from their own work. All the meals were therefore taken at Fairy Tail, around the same table, and even if Gray had insisted on eating away from anyone, especially since Microbe's arrival, the master had never let him and forced him to settle down with the others each time._

_During these moments, he had nothing to divert his attention from the exclamations, shouts of joy or conversations of his guildmates except his plate, and noisy as he always was, Microbe inevitably ended up receiving one or two insults that Gray could not repress. The simple sound of his voice, full of a joy of living he did not deserve, blinded him with rage because he knew what **always** went with it: that hypocritical **fucking** smile._

_The others may have been naïve enough to be fooled, but Gray was smarter than that. Microbe was hiding something behind his stupid way of being: he was playing with them, with him, he was sure of it. No one could be so stupidly happy without something in his head. He was smiling **all the time**, and in all circumstances. Gray was even sure that this creep would be able to smile at the corpse of an ant he would have crushed. After all, he was still smiling while he was suffering right next to him. _

_He was strutting around as if he was the king of the world, getting excited for the slightest futility, showing off his happiness to make fun of those who did not have one. If he had not been able to identify what had disturbed him so much during their first meeting at first, everything seemed clearer now. This warmth he had felt was one of a happiness that was not his, and the pain that followed the one telling him that he could never get it._

_That day, Microbe had proved to him that he possessed what he would never have, and that his existence would thus be eternally superior to his own. That compared to him, Gray would never be worth anything._

_He had even managed to put everyone on his side, to manipulated and convince them that he had nothing to blame himself for, that everything was Gray's fault, turning them against him. He was sure that they had begun to believe that he was only revealing his true personality, no one understood that he was not insulting him with a cheerful heart, that he was not satisfied with the suffering of people like Microbe was. He was the nice one in the story, and no one noticed._

_Microbe had done his job well, and his famous smile became stronger as a result, each day wider than the day before. And Gray hated him for it, so much that even Deliora was leaving his thoughts when he laid his eyes on him. He wanted more than anything to reveal his true face in the open, but he was aware that acting impulsively and inundating him with hatred could no serve that purpose. His instinctive and compulsive insults and humiliations did not have the power to make his smiles disappear, they even had the strictly opposite effect. _

_The more he insulted him, the more his smiles widened._

_The wider his smiles got, the more he hated him._

_And the more he hated him, the more he insulted him._

_It was an endless cycle that he did not know how to stop. Protecting himself from Microbe by insulting and belittling him was not enough to break his mask of hypocrisy._

_He had to find another way._

_He had followed Makarov's orders and left him alone as much as possible, but the more he did it, the more he felt it was wrong. How could letting someone manipulate others and make fun of them when he was the only one who realized it be **right**? Doing so only reinforced Microbe in his plans, giving him more power every day, and if he continued in this way he could probably no longer be stopped. No matter how much he was told otherwise, he was a threat to anyone, and seeing those who had offered him a roof being fooled in such a way was more painful in his eyes than any false pretense or fraudulent smile Microbe could inflict on him._

_That's why he decided that today would be different. No matter how many smiles he had to endure, no matter if he had to abandon his silence and disobey the master, he would break the masks and lower all the barriers at all costs. If insults had no effect, threads might have one._

_Gray stopped reading and closed the book with a sharp, determined gesture._

_Today, he will talk to Natsu._

* * *

_The time had come._

_Natsu had spent the day fussing around, both excited and anxious to take action, and this moment had finally arrived. The evening was well advanced and the guild almost empty, as he had waited it to be. He could not find a better opportunity to talk to Gray, even though he would have preferred Erza not to be there if things got worse, or rather **when **they got worse._

_He had noticed that she could not bear the fact that Gray did not want to talk to her anymore, see his condition get worse day after day, and that she was desperate to find a way to fix the situation. She seemed sadder and sadder as time passed, and Natsu would have liked to avoid causing her more grief by forcing her to watch what was likely to turn into an argument and separate them. Not to mention that it was now evident that unless he had a real discussion with him, the ice mage would never heal and their relationship would continue to destroy them both, bringing Erza along. She had to let him lead it to the end, no matter how violent their words were. _

_He had waited as long as possible in hope that she would return to Fairy Hills for the night, sparing her what was to follow, but the card game she had started with Levy and Cana, the two people still present except Makarov, Erza, Gray, and himself, was still not finished and Natsu had not the time to wait: Gray was about to leave. Or at least it seemed like it, as the ice mage had closed his book to stare at the clock hanging on the wall next to him. _

_For the second time exactly since their first meeting, their eyes crossed, and Natsu's fingers tightened strongly on the book he was planning to offer to Gray, his throat knotted with anxiety. _

_He swallowed hardly, hesitation making a smashing entrance into his whole being while Gray's eyes seemed to pierce him from side to side. He lowered his own to the ground and, fear in his heart, set them on the collection of tales for children that had cost him all his savings, holding it in his sweaty, trembling hands. _

_What if he was making a huge mistake by forcing things? What if he generated an irreparable situation? What if he said or did something wrong, that would sink Gray even more? What if he created more problems than he solved? What if after that, Erza and all the others never wanted to talk to him again, and asked him to leave because he had disobeyed and made Gray suffer?_

_What if... he ended up alone again?_

_His forehead was dripping with sweat and his lips were shivering horribly at this stage of panic, and his heartbeat accelerated inhumanly, depriving him of some of his air. He closed his eyes tightly, concentrating on the regularity of his breathing to calm its frantic rhythm and ward off the attack. He had to calm down, breathe, think of nothing. Now was the time to be self-confident. _

_He could do it. _

_Gray had already looked away from him when he reopened his eyes, and Natsu prayed that he had not seen his moment of weakness, or he was sure that everything would be over for him. Fortunately, Erza, Levy and Cana were not paying any attention to him and had not noticed anything, too busy exclaiming and having fun. And with Makarov in his office upstairs, the way was clear._

_Natsu sighed with relief and took a deep breath of self-encouragement. His heart was still pounding, but he finally felt ready to take action and do everything possible to avoid making the slightest mistake. His eyes electrified by determination settled on Gray and finally, Natsu headed toward him, his gift well hidden behind his back._

_Soon, his feet stopped beside the ice mage, who turned to him. Their eyes crossed paths again, and Natsu swallowed._

_He could not turn back anymore._

* * *

**_This time you really must feel the problems coming. :p_**

**_I suppose you can understand why it stopped there and also where the title of the chapter comes from. I'm really very proud of it, both in terms of content and form. Actually, it wasn't really planned to be like that in the first place. I wrote Natsu's passage without question, and when I wrote Gray's, I realized that the themes addressed, even if they are treated differently as their character and feelings are, were the same and that I had more or less the same things to say as for Natsu's. So I took the structure of the sentences from Natsu's part for Gray's, hence the symmetry effect of which I am really proud:)_**

**_As for the content, now you know more about Natsu and how he is dealing with the whole thing and believe me, this is only the beginning of his development. It was important to highlight the main points of his evolution: his phobic fear of loneliness and being abandoned again, his willingness to help Gray and especially to do everything in his power not to give the guild any reason to let him down even if it meant sacrificing everything. I think that sums it up pretty well. Personally loneliness is something that really touches me a lot, his simple idea makes my heart hurt and imagining Natsu in a panic attack because he is terrified of being left alone really "hurts" me (in a good way)._**

**_As for Gray, his emotions towards Natsu only grow as he tries to hide behind gigantic smiles, which Gray takes for provocations. He understood that Natsu is hiding something, but is completely wrong about the reason why, which creates this huge misunderstanding. Which will cause big, big, BIG damage._**

**_In the next chapter we really get to the heart of the matter and from there, no more respite. I hope you're prepared! It will also be much longer than this one._**

**_I'll see you in two weeks for chapter 5 on June 9. And frankly, please... leave a review. Even just to tell me you like it because right now... it just gives the impression that everyone doesn't care about this story._**

**_Tcha pouet!_**


	5. The clash of differences

**_Pouet!_**

**_Well, here's chapter 5. _****_The troubles begin as suggested at the end of the previous chapter, and this is only the beginning. No more respite from there._**

**_Enjoy your reading !_**

**JKD : **_I'm happy you liked it! The cliffhanger was one of my reason to end the chapter there, of course :p. I didn't say I was innocent... eheh. I really thank you for your feedback, even if it's short it really motivate me, __especially since even if I finished writing in French I haven't finished translating in English, so I need it. Thanks! I hope you'll like this chapter too!_

* * *

**Chapter 5 : The clash of differences**

_Microbe._

_Gray stared at him as he had never done before, surprised that he was the one taking the initiative to come and see him, coincidentally the very day he had chosen to finally clear things up with him and break the impostor to make the real Microbe appear. He was smiling, as always, but his jaw was so tense with some emotion that his smile looked more like an attempt to simulate a non-existent composure. So instead of making him angry, his expression delighted him._

_Getting the upper hand turned out to be easier than expected._

_"What do you want, Microbe?"_

_Natsu opened his mouth but immediately closed it as if he did not know himself why he had come, not expecting Gray to question him rather than repel him and violently order him to leave. The ice mage used the sharpest look he could make in order to slash his interlocutor's defenses, that nervousness had already weakened, allowing him to get closer to his ultimate goal while taking control of the conversation._

_ "Are you really that hopeless? Coming here without knowing why?"_

_Natsu shook his head, more to try to regain his assurance than to refute his assertion. "N-No, I…"_

_Gray's chair scraped the ground loudly, interrupting Natsu in his meagre attempt to explain himself. The ice mage slowly rose from his seat, and apprehension shook Natsu's pupils as he followed his movements with an increasing fear. Taking advantage of his dismay, Gray stood in front of him to give himself a superior look, noting as he came closer the drop of sweat beading on his enemy's forehead and the slight tremors of his body. "Well? We're afraid for our secret to be revealed, huh?"_

_Anguish exploded on Natsu's face as he stepped back, broadening the ice mage's sardonic expression as he knew he had hit the right place. "W-What?"_

_Gray did not stop on such a good path and once again bridged the distance between them by taking a step forward. This time, Natsu did not try to evade his proximity, frozen on the spot. His heartbeat raced again, and he had to gather all his strength to avoid panic and regulate the rhythm of his breathing as the air accumulated in his throat, threatening to suffocate him with each breath._

_Had Gray seen his anxiety attack and was threatening him to reveal to the whole guild how weak and useless he was? Were we already going to take back what he had finally been able to obtain after eleven months of loneliness and struggle for his survival? Would his worst terror come true again?_

_He resisted the urge to close his eyes and flee the present moment, praying, begging, imploring whatever star was leading his life not to torture him with a third of these ordeals._

_Please, please… anything but that._

_"You think I can't see through your game, huh?" Gray continued, noting that the mask was beginning to crack. "I know what you're hiding, Microbe. You shouldn't have tried to play with me."_

_Natsu swallowed to try to get rid of the growing air ball burning his throat but it instantly re-formed. What had he done wrong this time, to get himself in this situation? He had done everything, **everything**, to hide the flaws that led all those he met to throw him away, he had made disappear everything that could make him a nuisance. Then why? If it was not because he was weak or turbulent, why did we always end up hating him and getting rid of him? What did he have to do to not be useless anymore? Who was he supposed to be?_

_It had never been his intention to play with anyone, he just... just wanted to deserve to be loved. To never be abandoned again to loneliness and misery because he was not worth the effort to be cared for. He had believed that his existence would be more valuable if he became someone else by removing some parts of himself, but by doing so, perhaps he had only given them one more reason to hate him._

_Even with all the best intentions in the world, he was only able to bring sadness and misery. Because of him, Gray believed that he had intentionally tried to harm him even though he only wanted to help. He was the living proof that he had only been a source of suffering._

_Maybe that was all he was good at._

_"W-What are you talking about? I… I just want-"_

_Gray grabbed his arm brutally, cutting him off while forcibly exposing the book he had kept hidden behind him, and squeezed his wrist so violently that Natsu winced in pain. "And what is this, huh? You think I didn't understand what you wanted to do?" Natsu tried to take advantage of the second that Gray took to catch his breath and opened his mouth to answer, but this time the ice mage did not even give time for a word to cross his lips. "Did you think you could buy me with this?! Unless you wanted to show everyone that you're better than me?! That I'm worthless?!"_

_The rage was cruelly eating away at the composure he had managed to maintain until then as he spoke, and Natsu was cornered by all his false accusations, keeping him further and further away from any hope of convincing Gray of his good intentions. Totally petrified by terror, the situation escaping him completely, he could only stammer without much conviction: "N-No, I swear I- agh!"_

_Gray had twisted his wrist to force him to loosen his fingers on the book, which crashed to the ground. Drunk with revenge, the ice mage savagely slammed his foot on its cover and, ignoring Natsu's pleading moans to dissuade him and reclaim his property, trampled it unscrupulously. The book was ripped from almost all its pages as the assaults progressed, while its owner begged his executioner to stop the massacre, but he pursued it heartlessly, his eyes burning with rage. A few seconds later, he stopped in his barbaric act and removed his foot from his victim._

_All that was left, before the horrified eyes of the little Dragon Slayer, was a pile of torn paper and leather._

_Natsu did not even have time to recover from his emotions as Gray's hand grabbed him by his scarf and his forehead stuck to his, instantly reducing him to a frightened silence. No smile, no matter how large it might be, could get him out of the whirlwind of sadness, terror and misunderstanding stoning him. All these emotions appeared on the fire mage's pale face without any limit. Fooled by his own fury, Gray saw there only the fear of being unmasked and he struck him with all his hatred, no longer even trying to repress it._

_Even the rushing footsteps he heard heading in their direction after his rants did not stop the vengeful lips of the ice mage, who opened them again without letting go of his victim. "I don't give a shit about your phony excuses! The others may be blind, but not me! You can't fool me like that, Microbe! Don't think you can trick me with your disgusting smiles, I'll never fall into your traps!"_

_"Gray, that's enough!"_

_His eyes distorted by his vengeful madness threw themselves like a predator on Erza who was running towards them, and the little redhead thought that her heart had stopped when he roared. "**You shut your fucking mouth, Erza!**"_

_It was the first words Gray had addressed to her in two weeks, and Erza felt her heart tearing, freezing her in place. She barely had time to see a little fist clench before the blow was fired, crashing onto the cheek of the ice mage who had not seen anything coming. Erza's hands found their place on her lips as Gray crashed into a table several meters away, breaking it on impact. Gaping, unable to make the slightest move, she watched him strengthened up as he sat on the floor. Gray set his stunned, widened eyes on his attacker, a hand pressed over his sore cheek._

_Natsu had hit him._

_He was shaking all over, his hair hiding his lowered eyes, his fists clenched so tightly that his phalanges had turned white. His face distorted by anger and desolation appeared suddenly between two pink strands when he raised his head, ferociously propelling these two emotions at Gray who had still not moved._

_"How can you talk to her like that?! She's worried about you, everyone's worried about you, and you-!" His expression disappeared again behind the pink curtain of his hair as he bent his spine, the tremors of his arms worsening drastically as if he was trying to control the nebula of emotions exploding in him. "**You're such an idiot!**"_

_He had screamed but his voice was hoarse with dismay, and neither Gray nor Erza had the strength to say anything. "I don't care if you call me names, you could even kill me for all I care! But Erza and the others… they don't deserve to be rejected by you!"_

_"Natsu…"_

_Erza did not really know if she was more shocked or touched to see Natsu defend them so fiercely, but her half-opened lips and the snippets of tears moistening her wide eyes testified to the immoderation of these two emotions. Not once since he met Gray had he raised his voice except to express joy or excitement, not once had he fought with anyone even to participate in their extravagant fights, not once had he reacted impulsively even when he was belittled and insulted by Gray, content to ignore him and reinforce his smiles... Never would Erza have guessed that he could harbor so much anger in him._

_Yet, could she really be surprised? Before the conflict between the two boys began, she would never have believed that Gray could harbor so much hatred and violence either, even if they only appeared against Natsu. It was as if they were made not to get along, as if their encounter had totally derailed their personality to make all its features emerge indiscriminately as soon as they interacted with each other. Exceeding the limits imposed by their will, which scrupulously kept them safe from the outside world the rest of the time. Natsu behind his smiles, and Gray behind his impassivity._

_She did not even know who they really were anymore and this fact saddened her deeply, but it did not diminish the feelings of gratitude and sympathy she felt for Natsu at that moment._

_Since he was the only presence Gray acknowledged, perhaps that thanks to him, his friend would finally acknowledge hers again and accept to talk to her as he used to, even if only for banalities._

_Since he was the only one to whom Gray was revealing what he held in his heart, even if it was involuntary and only motivated by hatred and anger, perhaps he was also the only one to possess in him the words capable of reaching the core of his sufferings and extricating them from their shell of loneliness and indifference._

_Perhaps Natsu was simply the solution to Gray's despair, and therefore to her own._

_But she could not let them tear each other apart. He had caught Gray's attention and thanks to that, they had a chance to get him to talk, to make him confess, and to finally understand him. Now Natsu had to regain his calm, or she gave cheaply of them._

_Natsu was breathing noisily, out of breath, as Erza took the last steps separating her from him to put a soothing hand on his still shaking arm. "Natsu, calm down... "_

_"No! Stay out of this, Erza!"_

_Before even realizing what he was doing, the loss of his composure prompted him to reject the contact with a sharp gesture, failing narrowly to knock Erza down and forcing her to take a step backward to regain her balance. In normal times she would surely have retaliated with a well-deserved punch to his stubborn skull, but she was far too shaken by the events to use her usual authority. Natsu was about to throw new words at Gray but Erza yelled, desperate to stop him from making things worse: "Please, stop!"_

_The pleading tone of her voice felt like an acute electric shock throughout his body, brutally renewing the bonds separating the rational from the emotional. His fist loosened as he exhaled in a single, brief breath the air ball that had formed in his throat, and his head turned feverishly towards Erza. His muscles trembled only with anguish when his emotional, dampened eyes met her own, and nothing was more present than the mistake he had just made by letting his emotions be piqued in this way, encouraging him to use his impulsive temperament to satisfy them. They had now retreated, allowing him to regain control, but the damage was done and the shock spreading over each plot of his friend's body expression rekindled all his fears._

_"S-Sorry, I thought… I didn't mean-" He had to stop to avoid consuming the last remaining oxygen atom in his exhausted lungs and then prepared to resume when he regained a minimum of breath, but a noisy scraping caught his and Erza's attention towards Gray. The fire mage shivered under the accusing coldness laughing in the icy glare of the other boy as he stood up without taking his eyes off him, wiping away the debris from the table he had landed on._

_It was the moment or never to finally open their eyes to the vileness motivating Microbe in all his actions. "You see that, Erza?" The little girl jumped at the mention of her name pronounced by these lips that had not opened for her for eighteen endless days, not expecting to hear Gray speak to her rather than to Natsu, whom she felt tensing beside her. She questioned the ice mage with a nervous look and he resumed: "He's been playing with you from the beginning. Don't let that impostor fool you."_

_"W-What are you talking about, Gray?"_

_He disinterested in her without answering to stare at Natsu, who barely supported his gaze as Gray approached him again, depriving him of all power to impose himself. "Microbe." The hateful firmness conferred on his despicable nickname multiplied the drops of sweat flooding Natsu's forehead, who could easily guess what was to follow, fueling his state of panic. Gray stopped in front of him, staring down at him from his few more centimeters, and added coldly: "You know exactly what I'm talking about, right?"_

_Of course he knew it. He had hidden his weakness and all his faults to stay with them, cheated them on his true identity in hope of making everyone happy this way, not to be a burden, to become someone on whom everyone could rely. Maybe he had made a mistake somewhere, maybe he was not perfect enough yet, but he never wanted to make them suffer, we had to believe him! "It-It's not what you think! I never meant to hurt you, I swear!"_

_His voice was bursting with despair and sincerity, but unfortunately Gray was still refusing to see it, convinced that it was again only one of his famous perverse simulations. How could he believe that, after seeing with his own eyes the smiles of this crook feeding on his suffering day after day, and widening again and again every time his pain increased?_

_He was just trying to protect his cover, to manipulate them to keep his hypocritical mask on! He was lying!_

_"Then why the more pain I have, the happier you are, huh?! Now everyone hates me and it makes you laugh, right?!"_

_"No! It's not-"_

_"Don't lie! Stop pretending to be something you're not!"_

_This time, Natsu did not try to convince him of his sincerity, his hopes of persuasion having withered to the point of non-existence. His lips were only forming a perfect line that no emotion came to alter except resignation, although his gaze remained fiery with a new determination: succeed in ensuring that Gray's hatred and the revengeful desires bound to it would only touch him. If he could at least do that, he would not have failed completely._

_"A-Alright." Even Gray could not prevent the surprise from appearing on his face as Erza stared at Natsu, incredulous. "Alright." He repeated more firmly. "I got it. I got it, but please…" His timbre cracked near the end of his sentence, so much that they thought tears would appear in his eyes when he lowered his head, almost bowing in front of Gray to beg him. "Please, don't make the others sad because of me! They don't deserve that you hate them too!"_

_The ice mage could not remain insensitive to his pleas, but he regretted it the next second. He should not let him play with his feelings, let alone make others believe that he hated them. There was one and only one person he had ever hated, not to mention Deliora, and it was only his fault that he suffered even more and was forced to do what he had never wanted to. It was only because of him, and only him! He was the one who made the whole Fairy Tail despise him! He was the one he hated!_

_"You're the only one I hate!"_

_"Then take revenge on me and leave the others out of it!" Natsu's tone was still imploring, but his eyes remained slightly threatening, challenging Gray to dare refuse his request._

_His arrogance was greeted by a sudden and insane drop in the ambient temperature, the materialization of a vengeful desire in the form of powerful, icy magic waves, and finally, of a fist in the face._

_Ejected by the shock, Natsu's body flew in a gust of wind before Erza's horrified eyes, who had no time to stop Gray from rushing towards his victim to continue his assault. Natsu crashed into the wall with a bang, his head hitting violently the concrete. His back arched back as he spat out in pain and he slipped down the facade, stunned._

_Erza came back to her senses a second too late. Gray was already almost on him._

_"**Gray!**"_

_He ignored her, pursuing his run towards his enemy. "This one was for the hit earlier!", he roared. "If you want it that bad, I'll give you back all the harm you've done! You'll be a mess, Microbe!"_

_The streams of magic emitted by the ice mage were growing exponentially stronger, enraged by the fury of their owner who had no more control over anything. Natsu was struggling to strengthen up, using his shoulder in order to lean his back against the wall, and had barely recovered from his dizziness when Gray appeared in front of him again. He froze, eyes widening with both fear and confusion._

_"**Gray, stop it!**"_

_Erza had rushed towards the two boys but neither of them heard her, their eardrums buzzing with either rage or terror. The whirlwind of magic rose to a new level of intensity when Gray joined a fist against the palm of his other hand, a numb Natsu at his feet who did not even seem to have any intention to fight back. He had just looked up at his future executioner, both resigned and imploring._

_Erza screamed and begged Gray to give up his folly, dread tears bouncing off her eyelashes when they exploded from her eyes. Then she stopped suddenly, bowels on her tongue and heart in her throat. The magic had dissipated._

_For a moment, everything remained silent, frozen in time. The silence was absolute._

_Gray's lips rolled up, and Natsu hurriedly closed his eyes tightly, his jaw tense in anticipation of the pain, probably deserved, that would soon be his._

_"And that one is for everything else! Ice make...!"_

_The shock was imminent._

_"**GRAY, NO!**"_

_"**Stor-**"_

_The ensuing explosion swallowed up the end of his incantation and Erza's desperate scream. Its gusts violently pushed back the little redhead who was still approaching, lifting her easily to make her fall flat on her stomach. The impact tore off a grimace and a moan of pain from her, but the panic deflating throughout her body rid her of its stunning effects immediately and she leaped her tearful eyes to the place where the two boys were standing. Her heart stopped beating._

_Gray and Natsu were still face-to-face, but their eyes had broken all contact with the opponent to focus on the third person next to them, and their two expressions had merged into a single emotion: stupor. It was also the one materializing on Erza's face, whose heart began to work at full speed as soon as she realized who owned the new silhouette, that she could only see from behind._

_Holding Gray's arm firmly and forcibly away from the second, the Fairy Tail's old master was standing between him and his victim still slumped against the wall, imposing on everyone his supreme authority._

_"That's enough."_

_Erza contemplated his back and the shocked expression of his two guildmates, and tears of relief covered those that had been made by terror._

_Natsu was safe and unharmed._

_"M-Master…"_

_The relief was such that she could not prevent the affliction from tinting her voice, blessing the master for having intervened before the irreparable happened. Without his miraculous intervention, she would have had to watch helplessly the mutual destruction of her two dearest friends. She should have lived with her mind infected by this image for the rest of her life, and with the guilt of not having been able to do anything to avoid this tragedy. Il had been close for her world to fall apart around her beyond repair. Natsu could very well have died, his blood covering the hands of the one who would have killed him, consuming him little by little... until he broke him permanently. Their lives would have been shattered as much as hers, whether it would be literal or symbolic._

_She continued to bless and thank again and again any star that had saved the guild from such carnage. The worst had been avoided._

_The salty water flew more irrepressibly and soon, Erza was sobbing miserably on the ground._

_The nightmare was over._

_Makarov freed Gray from his grip and turned his head on his right to see the little girl in the corner of his eye, sadness and compassion shrouding all the folds of his face. She had to witness the near self-destruction of her two companions and had the greatest fear of her life. The vision of that brave little girl sobbing on the ground martyred his tired old heart._

_Still sitting on the floor and dripping with sweat, Natsu was the next to inquire about what he had caused, slowly recovering from the recent events. Erza's features that her sobs were denaturing hurt him so much that he had to look away immediately and lower his eyes to the ground, covered with shame and guilt._

_He had ruined everything. He wanted to help Gray, but he had provoked him. He wanted to make the guild happy, but he had made it sad. He wanted to ease the pain, but he had stirred it up. He wanted to protect Erza..._

_And he had made her cry._

_He had made Erza cry._

_He should never have wanted all this. He should never have believed that he was able to be useful to anyone. He should never have talked to Gray. He had defied Erza's order and betrayed her trust by believing he could fix everything, but he had overestimated himself._

_He would never be anything but a good-for-nothing._

_Emotion stung his eyes but he held back his tears, still refusing despite the situation to show any evidence of his weakness. If he still had the slightest chance of not being expelled and returned to the misery of solitude, he had to put it on his side by any means necessary. He was willing to do anything to not be alone again, even to act or speak only when he was ordered to, to obey each one or their orders, to become their slave if necessary. If by some miracle Fairy Tail gave him a second chance, he would not make the same mistakes again, he would no longer be satisfied with half measures. If changing was not enough, he would simply erase his existence as it was now._

_He will eradicate Natsu Dragneel._

_This new resolution gave him the energy to stand up by leaning against the wall, but not the courage to meet anyone's eyes. He staggered a little when an acute pain ran up his arm to his shoulder, which had received a large part of the damage due to the impact, but managed to stabilize quickly his balance by leaning his back against the wall. His second hand closed on his wounded arm to keep it as still as possible, and he continued to stare at the ground, waiting for someone to speak to him and tell him what to do._

_Gray's blood was still boiling but when he witnessed Natsu's reactions, the adrenaline that his anger and the waves of magic this emotion had caused went down, and the same guilt materialized on his face when he in turn inquired about Erza's plight. She was trying as hard as she could to control the jolts of her body that her sobs were feeding, and Gray knew all too well that it was his fault if she was in this state, even if his whole being wanted to put this responsibility on Natsu's shoulders without whom he would not have lost control._

_Until now his only victims had been furniture and the cause had been nightmares, but now that he had an enemy his instability was also manifested in other circumstances and could be witnessed. In truth, he was afraid of himself. He hated Natsu, but he never intended to bring himself down to his level and hurt him, let alone kill him. He just wanted to do justice, not become as despicable as he was by letting himself go to violence and cruelty. He at least acknowledged this mistake._

_But if he had almost committed the unforgivable, it was not only his fault, he would never have come to these extremes if Natsu had not existed. The soiled part of his being would not have surfaced, and above all, Erza would not have witnessed the enraged, hateful beast he was keeping trapped in this cage of calm and impassivity. Nor would she have seen him lose his mind and take pleasure in his impulses of rage that, until then, had been only reserved for himself._

_Natsu had to disappear before everyone became afraid of him, before he lost all credit in their eyes. And if he could not eliminate him as a person, he could always eliminate him symbolically, erase the threat he represented._

_He will eradicate Natsu Dragneel._

_When he succeeded, the illusion would dissipate and Fairy Tail would finally be freed from the evil spell that had been thrown on them. He had to save the guild from its hold in one way or another before it was too late. Since no one else was aware of realities, it was a mission that only he could accomplish. And when it was done... Erza would not suffer anymore._

_He continued to stare at her for a moment, and her crying made his guilt explode. He was the one who triggered it, and he was not even sure he could contain his hatred for Natsu and prevent himself from expressing it again unwillingly. If only his mind had been stronger, he would not have put her through the ordeal of seeing him so inhumanly attack another human being. If this were to happen again, Erza would definitely move away from him, if it had not already been done. If his emotions were to get out of control again, he had to at least ensure that she would not have to suffer the consequences. He would never forgive himself if he had to make her cry a second time._

_Gray turned away from her, and Makarov did the same to contemplate the two boys, but his sad expression did not leave him despite his anger. Their faces were both disfigured with shame, guilt had extinguished the flames of their conflict to turn them into simple crackling embers, waiting for only a bit of oil to rise from their ashes. Two children had almost killed each other and it was his duty to lead them back on the right path, but Gray's desperate look and Natsu's guilty one was melting all his anger. They had acted only by impulse, whether it was from despair or pain, had let their hearts speak through their fists and their emotions tear out all the best in them, but... it had never been their intention, and it changed absolutely everything._

_It was useless to reprimand them because they already measured the consequences of their actions, it was useless to talk to them because they would hide behind lies, and he was certainly not going to abandon one to separate him permanently from the other._

_Even he, Makarov Dreyar, did not know what to do._

_Yet Gray had almost killed Natsu, or seriously injured him at best, and he could not let such an accident happen again. He could not let it go by without saying anything._

_"Gray."_

_The latter looked up at the master with anxiety, knowing full well the disappointment and resentment that he would read in his eyes. He tried the best as he could to not falter in front of the reproving gaze he encountered, waiting as patiently as possible for the moment of reprimands._

_"I hope you realize what you've d-"_

_"It's my fault, Jii-... master!"_

_No one knew if they were more surprised by his intervention or by the fact that he had at the last moment called Makarov by his title, but all eyes had converged on Natsu. Oppressed by this sudden attention on him, the fire mage lowered his eyes again, thinking he was being reprimanded for participating in the discussion without being invited to, and stammered: "S-Sorry... I-I didn't mean to cut you off... I won't do it again." _

_Observing the deeply sorry expression of the little Dragon Slayer, Makarov ran out of words. The boy seemed to want to fade into the scenery to go unnoticed as if cutting him off had been such an unforgivable act that he deserved to be executed on the spot for the affront. It seemed like he did not know how to act anymore, and never Makarov had seen him so obliterated and insecure, let alone call him by his title. He looked like a gored beast that would be shredded on the spot at the slightest wrong move, at the slightest inappropriate behavior, however insignificant it might be. He looked totally lost and Makarov felt incredibly uncomfortable. Seeing Natsu like that was surreal and terribly painful._

_Standing out from an appalled Gray, Makarov crouched down in front of Natsu, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and asked: "Why are you apologizing?"_

_Natsu simply shook his head while keeping it lowered and without opening his mouth. Makarov wrinkled his forehead at his silent refusal to explain himself, leaving him in the most total uncertainty about what was disturbing him, even if he had a vague idea. He did not understand why the guilt had changed his behavior so drastically, but the only explanation he could give was that he was afraid that the slightest mistake, whatever it was, might encourage others to hate him as Gray did._

_"Look, Natsu. It's okay to make mistakes, okay? No one will blame you as long as you recognize and assume them. So don't be afraid. Unless your intentions have been wrong, you will be forgiven."_

_"But Mast-"_

_"No "Master" or anything, Natsu. Don't change your way of being because of one mistake, whatever it is. We love you as you are. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise."_

_He only got a mitigated reaction from Natsu, but his thoughtful look was enough for Makarov, who ruffled his hair before turning to Gray. The fire mage finally consented to look up at this loving gesture, even more uncertain than before. He wanted to believe these words, but his experience had shown that being himself caused more harm than good to those around him, and even when he tried to change, he always made at least one person miserable. He was making Gray miserable._

_His eyes turned to him but he quickly looked away when he noticed that his own were also set on him. Although the other boy's gaze was for once more distorted by surprise than by hatred, he felt unable to bear it and preferred not to confront it. That was why he stubbornly kept his own on the ground when he explained himself: "I-I went to talk to Gray and I'm the one who started all this. I-I hurt him, so I told him to take revenge on me. It's my fault, not his."_

_Makarov was saddened to see him take full responsibility for Gray's actions in addition to his own, but he preferred not to make any judgment in order not to maintain the division between the two boys. If he reprimanded one more than the other, it could only end in jealousy and resentment. He had to remain as neutral as possible._

_"No matter which one of you started it, you shouldn't have let things get that bad. Magic is not meant to be used against comrades for any reason." He got no reaction to his words although he felt them tensed slightly with shame, and he suddenly ordered in an authoritative voice. "Now I want you to apologize to each other. Immediately."_

_His attention first turned to Natsu, who had once again walled up in a submissive attitude, timidly swinging his balance from foot to foot. His guilt and distress were palpable, and they became even more real when he almost bowed to Gray and whispered sincerely: "I-I'm sorry."_

_The ice mage had great difficulty getting rid of the guilty hands that the apologies of his worst enemy had wrapped around his heart. He had to make considerable efforts to remember that Microbe's behavior was calculated and to remember not to let himself be trapped by his false sincerity. As he was still saying nothing in response to Natsu's apology, Makarov questioned him with a mixture of interrogation and authority: "Gray."_

_The ice mage had to accept this humiliation and growled, turning his head away, looking almost indifferent. "I... am sorry."_

_Makarov sighed in frustration, knowing full well that forcing excuses from their mouths would not make them sincerer, and he had to settle for what they had accepted to give to obey his orders. "Good. The next time it happens I wouldn't be so lenient, is that clear?"_

_No one answered, but the master did not need it to know that they had got the message. He was aware that this unfortunately did not exclude the possibility of this kind of thing happening again, this risk would surely increase as their respective sufferings grew stronger, but now that he knew what to expect, he would be more attentive._

_Closing this chapter of the discussion, he turned away from the two boys and headed towards Erza who, although she had stopped crying and stood up, had stayed away without leaving her spot. She was contemplating the ground, her face stretched by the remnants of emotions that had embraced her a few minutes earlier._

_Makarov crouched down in front of her and put a compassionate hand on her shoulder, but his gesture and sudden proximity did not deter the little girl from staring at the ground. "I'm sorry you had to go through all this, Erza. It's over now. Don't worry, everything's going to be fine." She simply nodded timidly and after luring her into a brief embrace to express his support, the master stood up and held out his hand. Once she grabbed it, he guided her to where Natsu and Gray were still standing and asked gently. "Take Natsu home, Erza, okay?"_

_She accepted his request with a simple nod of her head before finally daring to look at Natsu next to her. The boy stared at her for a second with a sorry look on his face before refocusing on the ground, not being able to bear the sight of the snippets of dried tears altering his friend's cheeks._

_The heavy silence lasted for a while, none of them feeling able to engage in any conversation for the time being, until Makarov ordered: "Come with me, Gray." It was the ice mage's turn to nod without answering, before following the movement that Makarov's hand gently pushing him behind his back was ordering him to follow, taking him away from the other two children. He guided him to a table next to the guild doors. "Wait here for me."_

_He returned to Natsu and Erza without waiting for an answer and this time squatted down in front of the Dragon Slayer, who was still holding his injured arm. "Let me see that."_

_Obeying, Natsu took off his hand and Makarov put his own on his arm to feel the muscles in various places, tearing away some moans of pain from his patient. "It's all right. It will remain a little painful for a few days but nothing serious." The fire mage nodded, and Makarov continued: "I'll take care of Gray. Go home for now, Erza will bring you there."_

_With these words Erza put a gentle hand on Natsu's arm to enjoin him to follow her towards the exit, which he did while intentionally keeping a distance between her and him and his head down. While Erza had already gone out and as Natsu was passing in front of Gray under Makarov's sad eyes watching them from afar, the ice mage suddenly spoke, low enough that neither Erza nor the master could hear him._

_"Don't think you won, Microbe."_

_Natsu had to look away from the ground and reluctantly lay his eyes on him. The exhaustion that his emotions caused and had caused him was easily visible in his eyes, but Gray remained intentionally indifferent to it._

_"I'll take you down, I'll show everyone your true face. And on that day, you better run fast." His pupils were inflamed with an incomparable resentment and almost immolated themselves under the hatred they were throwing at their target, who felt as if he was being burned alive. Terrified by what was to follow, imagining it a little too precisely, aware of the words that would inevitably hurt him, Natsu held his breath with a tight heart. Gray's expression became sarcastic, and what Natsu feared so much finally crossed his lips. "Because no one will ever want you anymore."_

_The fire mage's features liquefied instantly and before he knew what he was doing, he rushed out of the guild hall._

* * *

_**And there you go, poor little Natsu... He's taking a lot here… If only you knew what's going to happen next... that's nothing at all, compared.**_

_**Well, otherwise... I must admit that Gray really passes for a "boor" in this chapter but at the same time he really believes he's acting for the good cause and considers Natsu a threat to everyone, not just himself. After that, as Erza said in the previous chapter, Natsu's behavior does not help at all to prove to Gray he's wrong, on the contrary. Gray misinterprets his behavior, the fact that he smiles all the time and why he smiles even more as he's mean to him, but at the same time from an external point of view his attitude is confusing. For children of this age it is hard to realize what can be hidden behind such behavior, it looks very much like indifference. When you see someone smiling even when they're insulted, it can still be a little creepy.**_

_**As for Natsu, he's slightly victimized here... he lets Gray trample on him completely and it may seem strange coming from him, but I hope that my explanations and descriptions will have made this not the case. I think I have highlighted his true phobia of loneliness and of the slightest mistake that could lead him there (both in this chapter and the previous one), so I guess that makes this whole passage where he lets himself be "crushed" and where he's completely helpless more than credible. He believes all along, when Gray talks about what he's hiding, that he refers to everything he's trying to do and become to hide what he thinks are the flaws that drove his parents and Igneel to abandon him. As a result, he's completely oppressed by the situation and finds himself in a position of weakness because he believes that Gray will reveal all this in the open and that it will lead him to another abandonment. Not to mention that he doesn't want to let his anger take over his emotions so he refrains from answering. His obsession with not externalizing certain emotions and the oppression and fear he feels at the thought of being unmasked combined... it gives that.**_

_**Concerning this last point, it's important to note that the personality we know about him is there, he simply hides it. He feels the need to express his pain or anger but represses it for the reasons mentioned above. Besides, he lets it be express a little against his will when he gives Gray a punch (note that he loses it especially because Erza is violently rejected by him, which I think corresponds well to our little Natsu whom we all love;) ).**_

_**I hope Makarov's intervention was not TOO predictable... but at the same time I wasn't going to let Gray kill Natsu and someone had to stop that. And I couldn't think of a better person for it than him. It could have been Erza, but given the state she's in... Oh, yeah, I didn't mention Erza. She doesn't do "much" but she remains important. About her I'm more mitigated than for Natsu and Gray, as I don't focus much on her feelings maybe it's really too weird to see her so passive. I talked about it a little bit, explaining why she wasn't "in the mood" to act as she usually does, but I'm not sure that it totally justifies her lack of reaction. So, I don't know, it's up to you to tell me.**_

_**One last thing, in case you hadn't made the connection, the book that Natsu wanted to offer Gray and that the latter trampled on is of course the one we see in Chapter 1, I hope you had made the connection, I didn't intend to keep the suspense on this subject. Even if it's not the last time you'll hear about it and that there's something else to know. But stop, I'm not saying too much!**_

_**In any case, personally Natsu's situation really makes my heart hurt every time I read the passages where he has his panic attacks or anything that reminds me of his fear of loneliness. I don't know, it always touches me particularly, yet I can't say that it's because I identify myself, it's clearly not the case;). And you? I must admit that I'm interested, because the story is still quite a bit about that and it would lose its interest if it doesn't affect you at all.**_

_**Anyway, no more talking. See you in two weeks for Chapter 6, and I'll repeat myself, but leave me your impressions.**_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	6. Punishment

_**Pouet!**_

_**This is chapter 6 with a week's delay, I wasn't there that week, sorry.**_

_**I'll let you enjoy this, I hope you'll like it. Have a good reading!**_

**JKD:** _Woah, thank you so much! I'm really really happy you like this story and I'm grateful you're taking the time to leave me a review each time. Anyway, yes, you can be scared for Natsu :p. He still has a lot to take... Next chapter it begins hard. If it can rassure you, he can't die since the events take place in the past :p. Thanks again anyway and I hope you'll like this chapter too :)._

* * *

**Chapter 6 : Punishment**

When Erza paused again, Lucy was speechless, more shocked than ever by what she just heard. Imagining Gray indulging in hatred and violence and Natsu surrendering and submitting without retaliation was unreal for her. Yet this story was of an irrefutable past, and she was unable to assume that it had never happened, Erza's voice harboring far too much of the ordeal that this event had been. It had broken several times during her story, and its owner had to stop talking from time to time to recover from the emotions that her own words and the memories they brought back had generated. Lucy could only believe it, even if the behavior of the two rivals seemed inconceivable and incomprehensible to her. This description of them was at the extreme opposite of what she would have given of those of today, whom she now knew so well. Even though she was starting to think that she might not know them that well.

Erza did not wait for her to digest what she had just learned, too overwhelmed by the memories she had revived herself to focus on anything else. "I had listened the whole beginning of the conversation but I preferred to stay away. I was thinking that Natsu would certainly be able to break through Gray's shell and that I could learn more about what was disturbing him so much but... even if he did get him to react, it was clearly not the way I was hoping."

Lucy was barely listening, gripped by the improbable images of Gray almost trying to kill Natsu and of him resigning himself to it without reacting, and yet Erza pursued anyway, her mind far from reality. "When I think about it, I realize how selfish it was of me. I could have reacted earlier, but I didn't. I feel like I used Natsu as a tool and deliberately sent him to be trampled by Gray for my own sake."

This time the stellar mage broke out of her torpor to stare at her friend, whose face was once again covered with shame. Yet she was too obsessed with the question she kept ruminating about to give her the comfort she probably needed, and she suddenly asked it. "I don't understand... why did Gray hate Natsu so much? It doesn't make sense..."

Erza was caught off guard by this question, which had nothing to do with what she had just admitted, but answered it anyway, satisfied nonetheless that she could disconnect her thoughts and emotions from this stifling guilt feeling. "It was less obvious to us at the time even after this incident, but Gray believed that Natsu was laughing at us, and that he was purposely hurting him. And to be honest... it wasn't Natsu's behavior that allowed us to prove him wrong."

"W-What do you mean?"

"Actually, everyone was already very disturbed by his way of being. Gray insulted him every day but he never got angry, never looked sad, never fought... He was just smiling all the time. Gray could tell him the worst horrors, he showed no emotion, he kept smiling. It was pleasant and comforting, but a little scary at the same time. Something was missing, it was as if he could feel nothing but joy."

She paused for a moment to recall the pictures she had kept of this Natsu of yesteryear, and before her interlocutor could believe that the cheerfulness that their mutual friend had never stopped flaunting had been and still was the only emotion he was able to feel, she was quick to specify:

"It wasn't true, of course, it was just the way he showed himself to us. We thought he was acting this way because he wasn't an impulsive person but actually... he was holding back. If he had listened to his true emotions, he would surely have exploded long ago, either with anger or sadness. Or maybe both at the same time. But he had totally sealed his emotions except for the joy and prevented them from being expressed, just as he prevented himself from participating in our little brawls. This argument between him and Gray was one of the only moments when he let his true emotions show through, even if it was very brief and that they only barely approached their true intensity."

Lucy transposed this description of Natsu to the one she already had of him now and she didn't find it so different, which made her a little anxious. The only difference was the absence or presence of this combativeness and zeal unique to him. In all other circumstances, the Natsu of the past and the present one did not seem so different, and she wondered if, even today, his smiles and his joy of life were not hiding something else. She did not ask her the question though, choosing to let her provide her with more details before shaping her final opinion. What the young woman did when she resumed:

"All this to say that while Natsu has integrated perfectly into the guild as you can imagine, he was very different from the Natsu we know now. A whole facet of his personality was inexistent, or rather he was hiding it. Each one of his emotions was turned into a smile. Whether it was harmful or not didn't change anything."

Erza's heart tightened as she recalled the reasons that had driven her friend to act in this way. She could not help but remember that dreadful moment when all the emotions he had tried to contain for so long had exploded before their horrified eyes. The sadness and horror that this incident had caused twisted her entrails and she felt as if she was reliving it with the same violence, rediscovering a second time what she shamefully had never suspected as if it was the first. She even overlaid the past with the present as if they had merged, imposing on her images that would never occur, but that she had always feared would come true.

Even if Natsu had been able to blossom as he deserved after this event and release some of the emotions that he had kept locked until then, no one could know if this way of blazing with enthusiasm and joy was not hiding its scars. She was afraid that they would reopen and that this nightmare would reoccur. To discover that behind appearances the assaults of his fears of yesteryear were still as violent as before, and that he would eventually be forced to yield to them again.

Maybe that was even what he was doing at the moment, this time taking care to stay away from any eyes that might suffer from it.

No matter how much she tried to convince herself that those days were over, her confused mind kept making her believe that she had gone back in time, that there was only the past, that the present had disappeared, that everything had returned to the way it was before. Every year on that date had proved that his self-imposed isolation was nothing more than a desire to reconnect with the past that he was forcing himself to forget the rest of the time, but she had been so confronted with her memories since the beginning of the conversation, she had gotten bogged down in them.

"Gray was not the only one with his concerns," she continued suddenly, "Natsu had his too. They were both equally tormented, but unlike Gray no one suspected that Natsu was suffering before it explodes in our faces. Even I didn't see it coming, and definitely not Gray."

Shame united with her sadness when she imagined how much things could have been different if she had been clairvoyant enough to notice that Natsu's behavior was just a front, a shell born from his despair and only made of fear and pain. She could not blame Gray for staying blind to this back then, as he had a more than acceptable excuse to justify this lack of discernment, unlike her.

"That's why Gray thought he was evil. Even when he was showing the full extent of his suffering by insulting him, Natsu would smile. As if he didn't care when it was actually a kind of self-defense reflex against all the anger and sadness his hatred inflicted on him."

These few additional pieces of information were enough for Lucy to establish a more accurate opinion of the child Natsu had been, but she still could not find any more differences with the one she knew than before. Apart from the habit he had now of fighting for nothing and the one of breaking everything and not knowing the meaning of the word "restraint", every part of his personality seemed similar to her. She was more and more convinced that the one in the present was really hiding something. In truth, behind this shell of optimism and cheerfulness, maybe her friend was suffering from a gaping wound without her realizing it. Or even worse, maybe his smiles had never been sincere, maybe they had only served to hide the being devoured by sadness and pain he really was, just like he had done in his childhood.

Maybe, by discovering the truth whether it was this one or another, her opinion of him would shatter.

She had promised Erza that she would never do such a thing, but she was beginning to doubt that she could keep that promise, which was deeply scaring her. She did not want to learn that her best friend, whom she cherished so much, could in fact be a decoy, that everything she loved in him had never really existed. So, it was with fear in her stomach that she declared. "I see what you mean… To be honest, I've always had that feeling. He's still a little like that… even now."

"That's not untrue, Lucy. But I'm not just talking about one or two emotions here. No matter how much he hides some of his feelings behind optimism, it's a part of his personality. Back then… it was more like he was trying to be someone else by making a whole part of himself disappear."

The girl then realized her mistake, even though she still had trouble getting away from the terrible possibility that Natsu might be a completely different person that she had always thought he was. To imagine that he could have tried to become someone else by sealing most of his personality inside him, sadness was gnawing at her heart. Because it was like…

"It's like… he hated himself."

The palpability of the words added a real dimension to her previous assumptions, shaking her to the core. She instantly remembered what Erza told her earlier: even if he did not show it, even if it was not as intense as in his childhood, Natsu was not self-confident. Maybe that was the truth she had tried to find out. Maybe that…

She lowered her head, trying to refuse this possibility with all her heart, but the more she rejected it, the more it seemed real to her. She could only stammer, frightened by what she was likely to discover. "Oh no… don't tell me that's still the case… That actually, he…"

"No, nothing that serious, don't worry."

Hope and relief relaxed all Lucy's features, and Erza finally realized what had gone through her head during her explanations, making her feel guilty. She was going to apologize for not clarifying things earlier, but Lucy beat her to it. "S-Sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions."

"Don't worry, it's my fault. I just meant… that he questions himself more than he seems and that deep down he has as many fears or weaknesses as anyone else. But the fact that he hides them doesn't make him another person. On the contrary. It's this form of self-denial that makes him who he is. If he acts this way, it's to protect us as much as to protect himself. So don't think that the Natsu you know is not real."

The true relief embracing the stellar mage was as indescribable as it was considerable. Fortunately, her previous deductions had just been annihilated by Erza's point of view, and she could no more deny the mistakes she had made. Natsu had always been the one she imagined, she had only never realized the sufferings he was harboring because of that famous optimism and cheerfulness hiding them that she loved so much. It was precisely because he acted in this way and because he cared about others before himself that she had such high regard for him. So, instead of destroying her opinion of him and the relationship they had always shared as she believed, the discovery of this truth only reinforced her affection for him. He even seemed to her more formidable than before.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to assume something so horrible but…"

"I understand, Lucy. That's why I made you promise not to change your mind about him and Gray. No matter what happened, it doesn't change who they are now, never doubt that."

No, she would never doubt it again. She felt as if she had soiled their names by assuming that they could be impostors, by accepting the feeling of betrayal that had embraced her. But she would not make the same mistake again, whatever the rest of Erza's story may contain. This did not prevent her from worrying about what it might be made of, because she knew it even worse than what she had already been told. Gray had already almost killed Natsu and she didn't dare imagine what could be more horrible than that.

The silence between the two women seemed to stretch indefinitely, none of them knowing how to re-engage in the pending conversation. Fortunately, Lucy did it after a while, trying to suppress her fear of knowing what had happened next. "Did something happen when you walked Natsu home?"

"No, none of us said anything, we were too perturbed by what happened. He seemed really down, but I couldn't find anything to say to cheer him up so… I just bring him home and went back to Fairy Hills. The next day, however…" She shivered as she felt the most painful part of her story approaching more and more, really starting to corrode her imperturbability.

She straightened up on her seat and crossed her arms in an attempt to regain the composure she was losing. "Of course, the master couldn't let that kind of quarrel go unpunished, and since he didn't want to blame one of them more than the other to avoid creating jealousy, he called them both in his office." She closed her eyes to contain her anxiety a little longer, refusing to give in to it so soon. All emotion had disappeared from her eyes when she reopened them a few seconds later. "No one could have guessed that this punishment would be the detonator that would lead us to disaster."

* * *

_The regular tapping sound pounding in his ears for ten long minutes was seriously beginning to erode the semblance of calm that Gray had managed to build despite the horrendous proximity of the parasite that he had been using as a roommate in Makarov's office. The master had called but still not joined them, leaving him alone with the vermin Natsu was, who kept showing his nervousness by tapping his foot on the floor. He resisted the urge to silence him with a fist in the face, repressing his hatred as much as he could. It would be stupid to generate an argument as they were in the exact place where they will receive their punishment for starting one the day before. He therefore tried to concentrate his gaze on the opposite side of his enemy to avoid seeing the slightest pink tuft that could revive his hatred._

_The fire mage concentrated his own gaze on the ground, preferring not to inquire about Gray's piercing eyes that might be watching him and not to see the harmful feelings he had for him that hurt him so much. He was more stressed by Gray's presence next to him than by the punishment that awaited him, not to mention that they were both alone in the master's huge office. Since the last words the ice mage had addressed to him the day before, he no longer even dared to set eyes on him, terrified at every moment that his prediction could come true and give him back definitively to the hell he had finally managed to leave._

_To Gray's great relief, his foot stopped tapping the floor when the door opened on Makarov, who entered the room to sit at his desk in front of the two boys. Despite his arrival, none of them had the courage to look him in the eye and they continued to contemplate the wall or the floor._

_Makarov cleared his throat but didn't wait for them to pull themselves together "I guess you know why you're here, so let's get to the point." He laid his elbows on the table and his chin against his joined hands, and continued firmly, "I hope you are aware of the seriousness of your actions, but in any case you will have to pay the consequences. You violated all Fairy Tail principles by fighting like this. Not to mention the harm you've done to your comrades. As a result..." His piercing look of reproach alternates from one to the other of his listeners, then he released his sentence on them, imperturbable, "You are banned from the guild for five days from today."_

_Unlike Gray who took this punishment with total indifference, Natsu looked up in panic at the master who was watching them hard. He tried to ignore the anguish that exploded in the eyes of the little Dragon Slayer and added before he could protest, "It's not negotiable, Natsu. No need to beg me, I won't change my mind. You will be isolated in your respective homes with a total ban on leaving them. This may give you a chance to think about what you've done. Macao and Wakaba will come to bring you food. That's all. Ask them to take you home now."_

_The master got up and headed for the exit, followed by Gray. Natsu remained frozen in his seat, afflicted by an unparalleled anguish that crushed his heart. He could have endured any punishment. Any one... except this one. Staying alone for a few hours was already enough to inflict a terrible panic attack on him, he would never be able to endure five days of solitude. Not after having already experienced it for ten consecutive months. He suddenly realized what was about to happen and jumped up with tears in his eyes. "Mast- Jii-chan!"_

**_(Please, anything but that!)_**

_Makarov turned around without suspecting the words that had remained silent, and the hard look he got nailed him there, immediately knotting the words he had prepared to say. He then realized that the risk of being thrown out on the street for good would be far too great if he complained about this punishment when Makarov had ordered him to submit to it without protest. He had no choice but to change his mind, thus inflicting on himself the hell that these five days of total isolation were going to be. Gray's words exploded once again in his mind. He could not let the slightest weakness or..._

**_(No one will want you anymore)_**

_"I-I... nothing. I-I'm sorry."_

_The master sighed and declared, "I'm not angry, Natsu. Nothing will have changed when you come back, so don't take this punishment too seriously. Let it just teach you a lesson so that what happened yesterday doesn't happen again. That goes for you too, Gray." The ice mage simply shrugged nonchalantly and the master gave his last order, "Go ahead, now. I'll see you in five days."_

_He went out, followed shortly by Gray. Natsu stood in the middle of the room, his heart beating so fast and so strongly that he had trouble breathing. He was not even totally alone that he already was approaching an anxiety attack, and he had to gather all his will to keep it away, trying to convince himself that he could not let himself go now, not until he was out of sight. He would have enough of those five days to be confronted with it, so he could wait ten minutes before letting himself sink into it._

_He hoped he would be able to survive this ordeal. If he did, he could then ensure that he kept the promise he made to himself when he returned. The promise not to give Gray any more chance of suffering because of him. There would be no more smiles that could hurt him, no more weaknesses, no more emotions. All that would remain would be obedience and submission, the total abandonment of all forms of pride and free will._

_In five days, the Natsu he was now would no longer hurt anyone. He would have definitely disappeared._

* * *

_Wakaba would have wanted to tell him something, but the way Gray seemed to try to remain indifferent to everything around him, including his presence, deterred him. He did not know what to say to him anyway, any attempt at comfort would undoubtedly be thrown back at him, and he couldn't even tell if the boy needed it or not. He seemed totally imperturbable and inaccessible, so he did not bother with uselessness and remained silent all the way there._

_However, he had no choice but to open his mouth when they arrived at their destination to explain to him how things were going, even if he did not want to inform him at all. He had no idea how he was going to react to what was really waiting for him behind this seemingly innocuous punishment. Fortunately, some points did not need to be addressed, as Gray quickly noticed what had happened to his house._

_Wakaba looked down, reluctant to obey the orders of the master whose decision seemed foolish to him, "Sorry, Gray. We had no other way to stop you from getting out of your house. If you want me to bring you back what you need to take care of, you can ask me."_

_The boy did not answer and no expression appeared on his face as he contemplated what now looked more like a prison than a home. All its windows were closed and had been locked with metal bars to prevent anyone from crossing them, even the chimney had been blocked and the front door locked. He only shrugged at the discovery of the true content of his punishment and approached the building without waiting for Wakaba, who did not know how to take his attitude. He followed him to the entrance where he opened the door with the key that Makarov had given him, and they both entered inside._

_The light was turned on and as Gray walked away to his room, Wakaba gently held him by the arm to force him to turn around and squatted in front of him, "Are you sure you'll be all right, Gray?"_

_"Why wouldn't it be okay?" He replied dryly. "I will be able to read in peace with no one to bother me and I won't have to put up with this jerk. What more could I want?"_

_Wakaba was saddened by this answer but hid this feeling behind a sigh, "Very well. Do you need me to bring you anything?"_

_"I have everything I need here. Just leave me alone now."_

_He did not force any further answers from the ice mage's mouth and released him from his gentle grasp before getting up. It was already miraculous that Gray had answered him, even if he had done so in a more than sour tone, so he was satisfied with it. He turned his heels to move towards the door and said just before closing it, "I'll bring your food at noon and eight o'clock, is that okay with you?"_

_Once again Gray did not answer, obviously waiting impatiently for him to leave, and Wakaba took that as a "yes" and slipped away. The boy heard the padlock being locked and then the steps of his unwanted guest walking away, finally leaving him alone._

_He allowed his shoulders to fall under the relief of not having any witnesses to what was inevitably going to happen now. His true emotions materialized on his features, and he went to his room to slump on the bed._

_He didn't know why he felt so oppressed. As he had pointed out to Wakaba, this confinement would finally allow him to learn about Iced Shell and Deliora without Microbe infecting his thoughts to divert him from his purpose, but the idea of remaining there without anyone for five days strangely held his heart._

_He may have claimed that he preferred to be alone, but that was not the truth. Yes, he preferred to be left alone so that he could concentrate on the most important thing, but he couldn't stand loneliness any more than anyone else. When he was in the guild, he could at least feel a presence next to him, reminding him that even if he did everything to keep it away from him, he had a family again and was not completely alone and left to himself._

_His obsession with proving Microbe's true intentions made him realize that he cared more about them than he had thought. Even if he never showed it, he was grateful to them for having offered him a roof over his head, a new home, and he could not bear to see their kindness be used and exploited for unworthy purposes by an abject being. He tolerated even less to see this person hide his true nature behind an exemplary attitude, preventing anyone but himself from realizing his true intentions and pushing everyone to stand on his side. He himself did not know exactly what Microbe was trying to do by duping them in this way, but he was at least certain that he was not the person everyone thought he was, and there was in his eyes no reason other than malice that could lead him to act in this way. Even less so after witnessing his smiles widening day after day, as he sank before his eyes into the abyss of his suffering._

_And yet, this goal he had set himself to free the guild from the corruption that Microbe inflicted on it every day by his mere presence turned him away from Ul and Deliora, and he had the feeling that he was moving further and further away from the day when he could finally save his master and take revenge on the monster who had taken everything from him. This feeling of failure made him nauseous. Even if it was only momentary, forgetting these two important beings to focus on the guild and Microbe, he had the impression of betraying his master, of flouting everything she had done for him. He hated that feeling._

_For himself and for Fairy Tail as a whole, it was urgent that Microbe disappear. When that was done, everything would finally return to the way it was before._

_His face found refuge in the softness of his pillow that he hugged, and before he could even realize it, he was already giving in to exhaustion and falling into a restless sleep._

* * *

_His shaky little hand nestled in his own gave Macao an unparalleled sense of unease. Since they left the guild to take him home, Natsu had not uttered a word and stared at the ground as if he hoped to be able to cross it and become invisible. His face expressed so many emotions at once that he was unable to identify them, but it was easy to guess that each of them was synonymous with pain. No one had seen this boy other than smiling and exalted, so seeing him like that seemed unreal._

_He was right to fear the reaction Natsu would have when he arrived at his destination. The little Dragon Slayer had suddenly frozen, painfully contemplating what would compel him to total isolation and acceptance of the solitude that went with it. He had to make considerable efforts to suppress the panic that had taken hold of him at the thought of remaining confined in this place locked on all sides._

_Macao's hand gently pushed him behind his back to encourage him, and Natsu followed the movement without resistance, too feverish to solicit any muscle of his body ankylosed by anguish. He let himself be guided inside despite the painful connotation of this act and turned to Macao when they were in the middle of the room._

_He stared at him with an almost begging look and could not help but ask despite his efforts to contain this vital need for company, "Can't you stay a little while?"_

_Compassion devoured Macao's heart, sorry for not being able to satisfy its pleading request. "I wish I could, Natsu. But I have a mission ahead of me today, it's the master who's going to bring you food this time." A deep disappointment seized Natsu's expression and he looked down, trying not to let the unacceptable weakness of his irresistible phobia of loneliness show through. Macao lovingly ruffled his hair and smiled at him, "Don't worry, everything will be fine."_

_Natsu tried to give him back his smile but unlike usual he was totally distorted by the anguish. Macao was troubled by it, but did not seek to know the cause of this unusual nervousness, knowing full well that he would reap nothing more than silence._

_He got up, put one last comforting hand on the boy's head and turned around to leave. Before closing the door, he waved at him and swung with amused lightness, "Be good, Natsu! Don't do anything stupid!"_

_Macao was unaware of it, but this sentence definitively sealed any will that Natsu might have to try to escape the ordeal that awaited him. The door closed on him, and the metallic sound of the key rattling in the lock of the padlock that definitively trapped him in this prison of solitude broke his heart._

_He remained there, paralyzed, staring at the place where the only presence that had allowed him to resist the panic had disappeared. Still in the middle of that big empty room from which he could no longer escape._

_He was alone._

_The evidence of what this meant gave him a frightening chill. His fate was now sealed. He couldn't go back; he had no escape. It was too late to give up. He was a prisoner of his own decision and no longer had any way to spare his wounded little heart these five days of torture._

_The ordeal had definitely begun._

* * *

_Red everywhere. On the ground, on his hands, on his hair, and even in the sky, where the moon seemed to have scorched in front of the carnage it was laboriously lighting with her pale glow._

_Destruction, blood and death were spreading from all sides. He was surrounded by the debris and corpses they had crushed, accompanied by those the creature had massacred, by the screams of the few survivors who were trying to escape, by the bodies falling all around him._

_The sweaty hand pulling his own and the back of the person running in front of him were the only things that seemed real to him, desperately preserving in him his last ounce of lucidity. Only shock, horror and terror gave them the strength to keep running despite the exhaustion and the death scenery continuing to spread around them and gradually destroying the little hope they still had to survive._

_Even though they kept moving away from the gigantic creature, the devastation it caused behind still seemed as close, exploding in their ears. The ground was rumbling under their feet with each of its movements or roars, often followed by the screams of the unfortunate ones it had swept away in its path and causing them to lose their balance many times. They managed not to slow down despite these involuntary stops, trying to maintain the pace to get as far away from the massacre as possible regardless of the distance they had already travelled. They had to get out of the creature's field of vision before it became interested and attacked them. If it decided to hunt them down, they would have no chance of escaping it. It would only take it a few steps to reach them, and torture them with the same fate as the entire village._

_Clinging as much physically as mentally to his only source of lucidity and support, the boy never looked away from it at all, following without resisting the tension pushing him forward. The shock of what he had just seen had mired his mind in a muddy magma of sluggishness and he was no longer able to make the slightest movement or make the slightest decision by himself, he was only an empty body. He felt as if he was only seeing the red of the bloodshed, hearing the screams of his peers over and over again as if he was still in the middle of the bloody slaughter, making his head spin. Without the hand pulling him away, he would have already collapsed and left himself to die._

_The reassuring presence of his father who was guiding him suddenly vanished, leaving him totally alone at the mercy of death, and his legs immediately gave way. In the absence of the only being who held him bound to hope and reason, he crashed on his knees, splashing him with the slimy liquid. Trembling from head to toe, he raised his hands slightly, palms towards the sky, and the scarlet carpet covering them magnetized his gaze. He could even see from the corner of his eye the one lying abundantly on the ground and on which he was kneeling._

_Blood. More and always more blood._

_The horror numbed all his muscles. Kneeling in the slimy swamp of hemoglobin, he buried his head in his hands, desperately protecting his ears and spirit from the bloody world in which he had been abandoned, from the turmoil of bursts and howls ruling it. He screamed in despair, tears burst..._

_... and then everything fell silent._

_His body shaking with ferocious convulsions, he raised his eyes from the hemoglobin in which he was dipping, and his panicked pupils soaked in fresh tears fell on his own mother's ripped and torn body lying a few steps away from him. And before him, covered with her entrails, there was a boy._

_Natsu._

_The carnivorous smile deforming his lips overwhelmed him with fear, and the gloomy laughter that sprang from it chilled his blood. He laughed and laughed again louder and louder, more and more sinister, feeding on his suffering and distress, openly mocking his terrible ordeal, his miserable appearance, his weakness. The tortured boy was staring at him feverishly, his panicked eyes begging for help, when his voice seemed to resonate in his head as he was still laughing._

**_"You're pathetic, Gray"_**

_His heart leapt in his chest. As he froze with fear, the voice resumed, delighted by its own words._

**_"Look at you. You're shaking like a coward, crying like a chick. You're weak, pathetic. Someone like you deserves nothing but suffering"_**

_Natsu suddenly stopped laughing. His lips continued to express his delight, savoring the dishonor he was throwing on his name._

**_"Accept your inferiority, Gray."_**

_He couldn't bear another word. His eardrums were again covered by his palms in a vain attempt to cut off contact with the voice torturing him. Almost prostrating himself before his tormentor, he begged, broken._

_"Shut up…"_

**_"You're no good. You'll never be worth anything."_**

_He tightened the grip of his fingers on his skull, but no matter how strong was this act of despair, the voice was still pounding in his head with the same virulence._

_"Shut up."_

**_"You'll never be like me"_**

_"SHUT UP!"_

_His own scream resounded in his mind, smashing apart against its wall. At the same time, somewhere in reality, a boy was waking up with a start._

_Covered in sweat and tears, Gray was panting so hard that his own breath seemed to tear the flesh out of his throat. Confused at first, he sat on his bed, his eyes still blurred with red as if he was still in the nightmare from which he had just woken up._

_The abject face of a certain boy emerged from the misty mass of his distress to float happily before his eyes. His eternal smile revived the hateful storm ravaging him and he leapt out of bed, his eyes devoured by an eager desire for revenge._

_The rage consumed all that remained of his lucidity..._

_... and exploded._

* * *

_It had been three days since Gray and Natsu's punishment was announced, and Erza had finally succeeded, begging Macao and Wakaba for the umpteenth time, to obtain permission to accompany them to visit Natsu and Gray to give them their meal. Ordinarily Macao would feed Natsu and Wakaba would take care of Gray, but Erza's presence forced them all to go together, not having the heart to ask her to choose which of her two friends she wanted to see._

_They first went to Gray's house, who lived in the northern part of Magnolia. The night had already spread its wings over the city, equally darkening the heart of the little girl who had already been corroded by the absence of her two companions._

_She did not agree at all with the master's decision to isolate them in this way and even less to imprison them in their homes. If at first, she had believed that keeping them away from each other would allow Gray and Natsu to get to know each other softly, the distance she had forced them to maintain had instead locked up their emotions, which had then intensified day after day without them ever being able to free themselves. They had accumulated, more and more voracious and irrepressible, which had caused their explosion three days earlier. Repeat this mistake could only generate more anger in each of her two friends, who would then surely be forced to confront each other again, to collide the harmfulness of their feelings that had been contained against their will for too long._

_Although Gray was apparently the only one to preserve this climate of perpetual tension by insulting Natsu whenever he had the opportunity, she had discovered during their recent confrontation that he was also harboring his own unfulfilled emotions. She had no idea what they were made of, but unlike Gray, he fortunately didn't seem to be suffering from them and she was almost beginning to wonder if the ice mage had not been right to assume that Natsu was hiding something behind her eternal joy of life. That deep down, he despised Gray just as much as the ice boy despised him._

_Yet at the same time she rejected this hypothesis, because the pink-haired boy had never stopped proving how benevolent he was towards others, including Gray. No matter how execrable his attitude towards him had been, Natsu had never ceased to shine with joy and had never tried to take revenge. So even if his behavior cast doubt on his true emotions, she was unable to really imagine that the light he shone was a sham. It was far too sincere and spontaneous._

_She breathed a discouraged sigh. She suspected that the master had an idea in mind when he imposed this punishment on them and even if she did not agree with his decision, she did not have the power to oppose and had to accept it. All she had to do was hope that it wouldn't be the cause of another disaster._

_She followed her companions who were walking a few steps from her, tense as never before, and when they arrived at Gray's house, she felt even worse. She looked down, dejected by the treatment of her two friends, who, although they had made serious mistakes, did not deserve to be locked up like traitors. "Was it really necessary to lock them in their homes? It looks like a prison..."_

_Macao's expression was full of sadness, not really adhering himself to this way of treating these two children, especially Natsu for whom he had always had a particular affection. But the master was not cruel, he had not decided on this punishment lightly and had measured all the potential consequences. They had to trust him._

_He put a comforting hand on Erza's shoulder and gently reassured her, "You know the master, Erza. He wouldn't have done this without a good reason. It was probably the only way to force them to question themselves. Although I must admit I doubt it, perhaps they will realize that they have no reason to fight."_

_The little girl nodded shyly and Wakaba grabbed her gently by the hand, "The most important right now is that you'll be able to see them. Then let's go."_

_Erza's nod was more pronounced this time, and she let herself be guided to the door. Macao unlocked it, activated the handle and entered the small house, which was strangely plunged into an oppressive darkness. He frowned, suddenly anxious, and turned on the light._

_The room lit up and what they saw immediately made them feel an irrepressible sense of panic. Everything inside had been destroyed, as if a hurricane had passed through there to devastate everything. The furniture was knocked over and some had even been torn to pieces, the windows had exploded, the sofa fabric and sheets were torn and, above all, everything was covered with a thick layer of ice, testifying to who was responsible for the carnage._

_Wakaba rushed into the middle of the room and called out in a voice betraying his anguish. "Gray?!"_

_Erza and Macao followed him quickly and when Wakaba suddenly stopped, more disturbed than ever by what he seemed to see from where he was, they were quick to point their eyes in the same direction. The same emotions materialized on their faces as they realized what had caused this reaction._

_On the window separating the kitchen from the outside, which had also been shattered, the bars that sealed it had been broken. They did not need more elements to understand._

_Gray had run away._

_There was no doubt that the ice mage was responsible for the destruction of his own house, and to make the impassive boy take such savage revenge on objects and run away, the gravity of what had made him lose his mind had to be more than serious._

_But there were only two places where Gray could go, and one of them made Macao lose all its means. He suddenly turned his heels to face his companions and exclaimed in an almost trembling voice, "Somebody go to Natsu's house, now!"_

_Realizing at once what he was getting at, the panic crushed Erza's heart and she rushed to the exit without waiting for anyone, ignoring Wakaba's voice telling her not to go alone. She rushed into the dark night and ran at full speed through the streets, cursing the fact that the fire mage's house was so far away on the other side of the city._

_Tears of terror came to her eyes as she ran, unable to stop thinking about the worst. If Gray had indeed gone to Natsu's house as Macao had feared, this encounter could only end badly and morbid images invaded Erza's mind, overlaying those of the previous day that were already taunting her. This time, Gray may well kill Natsu for good, even if it wasn't his original intention. She could not be sure of the state of mind in which the ice mage was, but if he had spilled all that rage on his own furniture, it was unlikely that he would be able to control his emotions and prevent them from forcing him to commit acts he would regret. She had been certain of this the day before: when he was driven by suffering, anger and hatred, Gray could become extremely violent, completely debasing his true nature which, she was sure, was indeed full of kindness and benevolence._

_She had to hurry, or her two friends could well be destroyed permanently._

* * *

_**Well, that's it for now, sorry: p. **_

_**Not much to say except that once again the little Natsu makes me very sad in this chapter, even if it's worse after: p. My main concern is Makarov's punishment, not in itself, but the fact that they have completely barricaded their house, I wonder if it's not a bit much. But well, it's not totally unrealistic either, well, I think u_u.**_

_**Sorry, but I don't have too much to say this time, anyway the next two chapters will be violent, maybe I've done a little too much, by the way.**_

_**See you in two weeks!**_


	7. Prelude to disaster

_**Pouet!**_

_**Sorry for the delay, here is chapter 7! I will be absent from July 22nd to 29th inclusive, so no chapter that week, otherwise nothing to report. I've gone back to "Video Games" mode a little bit, so I'm not writing lately. Don't worry, I don't expect to be away for months and months like I did before, I just need to ease up a little.**_

_**Well, I wish you a good reading of this chapter 7.**_

**JKD:** _No problem! It happened to me really often to not be in the mood to review right after I read the chapter because I was too emotionally perturbed, and to know that it happened for someone else in one of **my **chapters... It feels really good! Anyway __hold on tight because this is really only the beginning :p. If you already are on edge with that... I can't wait to know how you'll be with the following chapters... And this one :p. I really hope you'll like it! Thank you so much again for your feedback!_

* * *

**Chapter 7: Prelude to disaster**

She tried to hide it, but Erza's hands were shaking slightly, and Lucy knew that the direct result of that moment had not gone well, maybe even was the highlight of the story telling the turbulent past of the two rivals. She could not help but think that indeed, after he ran away, Gray had gone to Natsu's house and their confrontation had escalated. Probably the reason why Erza felt so bad about sharing the memories associated with it and seemed to struggle so hard to continue her story.

Lucy did not rush her, giving her time to recover from her emotions and find the courage to continue. Nor did she try to ask her if she wanted to keep the rest to herself, not wanting to admit how shaken she looked and knowing full well that she would refuse to interrupt her story there. For the proud Titania, who never gave in under any circumstances, testifying to this kind of weakness would be considered a failure and even if she were the only one to think so, Lucy did not have the heart to inflict this ordeal on her. That is why she waited patiently, repressing her anguish about the continuation of the events she had just been told.

She looked at the other guild members present to take her mind off it, and only then realized how silent the room was and that all attention was focused on them. They looked away as soon as they noticed the stellar mage's eyes on them, and she understood that they had been listening for a long time. Some had even moved closer to their position to better hear what they were saying.

She raised an interrogating eyebrow at Levy, who was now very close to her, and the girl smiled back at her with a sad and embarrassed smile. Then a movement of Erza refocused her attention on her, and the redheaded mage rose from her seat. "Let's take a little break. I'll be back in five minutes."

"Ok, no problem." Erza nodded and went to the toilet, probably to simulate her desire to be alone for a while to organize her thoughts and emotions. Lucy took advantage of this break to question Levy, low enough to be sure that Erza could not hear them, "What the hell are you doing?"

Levy opened her mouth but, obviously very uncomfortable, no sound came out. It was Macao that answered her question, which Lucy was not surprised. "It's not that we want to interfere in what doesn't concern us, but... No one really knew what happened after we discovered that Gray had run away from his home. I tried to follow her but I was too late. Erza is the only one who has witnessed it."

Lucy frowned, both upset and understanding. She could not blame them for wanting to know what they did not, but neither could she tolerate them for forcing access to Erza's emotions and memories without her consent. "And you think spying on us is the right thing to do? It's hard enough for her to tell me all that, so don't add- "

"It's all right, Lucy. Let them be."

The stellar mage jumped at the voice and turned back to its origin, along with all the others. She smiled timidly, feeling guilty for her negligence. "Erza, I- "

"Don't apologize, on the contrary. Thank you for your concern, but they can listen if they wish."

"Y-you sure that- "

"I'm sure. Everyone had to be aware of all this at some point, I'd rather have to tell it only once."

The young woman confidently walked to her seat and sat down, apparently more relaxed and ready to continue her story despite the considerable increase in the number of her listeners. These few minutes of solitude had been more than beneficial, allowing her to regain a minimum of composure to reconstitute the shell of placidity that her own words had cracked.

No one tried to ease her guilt by apologizing to her, suspecting that the young woman would be quick to push back their apologies. They just settled in and waited.

Erza sighed for a long time, took a deep breath, and finally her lips reopened.

* * *

_If Hell had a definition, what he had been experiencing for these last three days would undoubtedly be the closest thing to it. Even the worst moments he had experienced in the past did not reach such a degree of emotional pain because this time, the happiness he had coveted for so long was palpable. This time, he knew it was accessible, a few meters from here, within reach. Just behind this cement and the bars that separated him from it, surrounding him on all sides._

_It would have been easy for him to use his magic to escape from this oppressive place, even if he barely controlled it for the time being, but fear had deterred him. Just as he had resigned himself to accepting this punishment and not complaining about it despite the terror it gave him. The new Natsu had to have no weaknesses and obey all the orders given to him._

_He had tried to keep his mind busy on the first day with the few activities he could do in this enclosed place, but as the hours went by, it became more difficult for him to concentrate on anything other than this oppressive and appalling silence. Sleeping for even a few minutes had become impossible and the fatigue quickly turned to exhaustion, digging darker and darker rings under his eyes. As this exhaustion increased, at the end of all these hours without any form of rest, his ability to endure had diminished little by little, until it was completely non-existent. _

_That was how he ended up there, huddled in a corner of his room without ever leaving it. And it was there that, three days later, he still was._

_He had not seen any living presence since the beginning of his isolation. Even when Macao came to serve him his meal, he would simply put it on the table in his living room without ever joining him in his bedroom, whose door he had closed to encourage his visitor to leave without being tempted to come and see him. He had forced himself to eat on the first day, but the next his anxious stomach had made him unable to swallow anything and he had not touched any food at all. Fortunately, Macao didn't notice this, even though he would have preferred that he did and came to join him, easing in this way this suffocating loneliness for even a minute. He had to gather all his mental strength to repress his vital need for company and thus not disobey the master's orders by staying away from his only potential source of comfort. Because if he hadn't, he knew he would never have had the courage to let it go and return to this nightmare. He probably would have begged him to stay with him and not leave him alone. Which was never, **never,** supposed to happen._

_Macao had therefore never known what a pitiful state he was in, and this was probably for the best._

_If these five days of torment were the price to pay for him to finally be accepted, then he would endure them as best he could._

_Only two more days left. Two days and the nightmare would be over for good._

_Natsu huddled even deeper in the embrace of his own arms and for the umpteenth time placed his forehead against his bent knees, trying to calm his unrestrained breathing by taking long, deep breaths. Yet despite his efforts, his body was shaking horribly and dripping with sweat under the sixteenth panic attack that had just pierced a rift in his defenses, and that was nothing compared to what his crushed heart was doing to him. The slightest of its pulsations was torture, as sharp as an open wound inundated with alcohol. Each seizure had compressed, crushed, lacerated it a little more, and it was now hurting him so much that it seemed like it was about to break. The other fifteen had already been unbearable, and if they continued to increase in intensity in this way, the next one could well be the last. _

_The manifestation of this pain appeared in his pupils, which became so abundantly humid that his sight blurred. His fingers came to squeeze the clothes covering the pulsating organ and clung powerfully to them as if they wanted to tear it out of its rib cage to finally free it from the immaterial hand compressing it. His face was even more deeply buried between his knees, his eyelids closed so tightly that they shivered slightly. A drop of salt water slipped over his eyelashes to land on the floor, with a splash that in this deadly silent room seemed to resonate against the walls like a resounding gong. _

_"Please, stop..."_

_His body unfortunately remained insensitive to his desperate prayers and he had to hold back a sob when, on the contrary, it accentuated the pain with abominable memories, which took advantage of it to infiltrate through his gaping wounds and reach his exhausted mind. Cold, hunger, fear, loneliness... all these sensations rushed at him, and he felt as if he was again in that cave isolated from everything where he had spent the ten months following Igneel's departure. The terror of returning or being sent back there was all the more violent, and the rhythm of his breathing and heartbeat accelerated accordingly despite his attempts to control them._

_This constant fear was stronger than him, and he would probably never be able to calm it. Every time he tried, someone suffered. But if he didn't try, he would lose forever the only source of happiness he had been able to find since Igneel. Each of these two options was unbearable to him, and he had never found a third. As long as he was the only one involved, he was ready to do anything to discover it._

_The memory of this resolution soothed him a little, just enough to prevent the blockage of his airways from suffocating him. He was still breathing noisily, but the air managed to reach his lungs again through the thick ball of anguish that had formed in his throat. His heart rate could decelerate sufficiently to prevent him from exploding under pressure, and the tremors in his body subsided slightly._

_However, he did not have the opportunity to take advantage of this laughable unexpected calm, a loud crackling sound to his left pulling him out of it to flank him in front of a new panic. Leaving his bent position, he turned his face still wet with sweat and tears towards the noise, as attentive as he could in his state of extreme weakness. Surprise replaced mistrust when he saw, behind the window and the bars that had just been broken, a silhouette entering. He felt the danger penetrating through all the pores of his skin to infiltrate his entire body, and he remained paralyzed on the spot._

_"G-Gray? How did y- "_

_The hand that grabbed him violently by his scarf interrupted him in his sentence and even before he could realize what this gesture meant, he felt himself being lifted off the ground and brutally ejected through the newly opened window. The broken glass scraped his face and limbs as he passed through it, and he crashed flat on his stomach on the wet grass of the outside. Completely disconcerted by what was happening to him so suddenly, he painfully lifted his head up, but he still didn't have time to realize that a foot was hitting him under the chin. Something then smashed against his rib cage, crushing his ribs, and the shock tore him a suffocated scream of pain. He was again swung away to crash into a tree, the impact propelling him onto another that his flank struck violently. A particularly sharp asperity of the bark deeply skinned the flesh of his leg and a branch broke off to fell on him, throwing him to the ground a second time._

_Faced with this violence of which he had so suddenly been the victim, his mind was so disturbed by misunderstanding that he did not move a muscle. He found enough strength to straighten his head and stared at the void with absence, struck by this succession of sudden and unexpected shocks. Snippets of tears appeared under the vehemence of the emotions plowing at him and he forcefully closed his eyes blurred by pain, refusing to confront reality. _

_What else did he do to deserve this?_

_A branch cracked not far from him, pulling him out of his painful thoughts before they could make new ones sprout. He opened his eyes again, and he was finally able to see the face of his attacker and the rage distorting it as he walked heavily towards him, probably to give him another blow. Despite the imminent danger and the promises of pain accompanying it, Natsu could not make a single move, petrified by the eyes infected with hatred and madness stroking him. Still lying miserably on the ground, he watched him approach without reacting, frozen by the waves of stupor, misunderstanding and terror sweeping through his entire body._

_Yet when the ice mage was only a few meters from him, all the nerves of his body seemed to reconnect all of a sudden and he rushed up, releasing himself from the heavy branch that had fallen on him with one hand. He felt his own anger rising and spreading like a venom through his veins, only restrained by his empty stomach and the exhaustion that the lack of sleep and the repeated anxiety attacks had caused. The next second, everything disappeared. He could not fail now. He could not retaliate, or access to the guild would be permanently denied._

_Then, under Gray's eyes which were still roaring under the vengeful madness animating their owner, he turned around and ran. _

_He clearly heard his attacker's shoes leaving the ground to chase him, his abused ribs and mutilated leg tortured him with every breath and every step, but he did not let fear and pain slow him down and accelerated his pace to its maximum. The footsteps behind him decreased in intensity as he ran, telling him that he was gradually gaining distance. _

_If there had at least been something beneficial in this long struggle to survive, it was the endurance it had allowed him to acquire. In the hostile environment in which he had grown up and at such a young age, the danger could only be averted in one way: to flee. _

_Before it catches up with him; running fast and without stopping, no matter how hungry or tired he is._

_Because the slightest second lost meant death._

* * *

_Erza opened the door on the fly, exploding the lock without a scruple and stopped on the threshold. The room, which she assumed to be the living room, was plunged into such absolute and oppressive darkness and silence that she almost wondered if anyone was really living there. She turned on the light and walked cautiously through the house, glancing at all sides as if she expected to be attacked at any moment. Her gaze lay on the table in the middle of the room, on which was still placed the dish, now cold, that Macao had probably brought him for lunch. Frowning at the disturbing assumptions that came to her mind, she looked at the garbage can and what she saw inside confirmed all her suspicions. Each meal tray was piled up there, still filled with the now moldy food that had filled them._

_Natsu had eaten absolutely nothing. _

_Worry rose to a new level as she internally listed all the reasons that could have pushed her friend to leave his food alone, all of which were more worrying than the other. He who used to eat at every meal as if it was his last, this sudden lack of appetite could not be insignificant. She was beginning to wonder whether this punishment had not been more painful than he had let it appear when she had last seen him, just before Macao took him home. _

_Detaching her eyes from the garbage can, she continued her inspection and although she was still worried about what she had just discovered, the silence reassured her. Gray didn't seem to have come here, which would mean Natsu was fine and was probably in his room. She still preferred to make sure, surprised that he had not shown the tip of his nose despite her crashing entrance, and silently activated the handle of the bedroom, discreetly sliding an eye inside._

_However, his caution was short-lived. A stream of cold air flowed through the doorway the second she opened the door, and the absence of any life form inside prompted her to burst into the room loudly. _

_It was completely empty._

_"N-Natsu?"_

_She looked at the room and her gaze inevitably fell on the cause of this strange silence, freezing her there. Despite her atony and growing anguish, she approached the broken window with an insecure gait, then stopped again when the anxiety turned into a real panic. _

_Just as they had been in Gray's house, the bars locking Natsu's window were broken and their ends covered with the same layer of frost._

_Gray had been here._

_Erza's heart stopped beating for a second, and the scarlet hue that caught her eye almost choked her. Her fingertips mechanically touched one of the many vermilion marks on the sharp glass pieces that had resisted the impact, and her body began to tremble when she took off her hand to stare at her wet fingers. They were covered with a layer of reddish liquid._

_Blood._

_"N-No…"_

_Her pupils agitated by emotion contemplated her trembling hand for a few seconds, her body shaken with chills, each icier than the next. Her attention returned to the bloody glass debris, and the bead of sticky liquid splashing on the window sill sounded like thunder. _

_She would have remained in that extreme atony that had frozen all her muscles, but the urgency of the situation forced her to regain her senses and she jumped hastily through the open window to land outside. Pushed behind her back by the cruel wind of her own terror, she ran as fast as she could straight ahead, then stopped again when she reached the place where the person who had hit the window had probably landed. The tufts of short grass growing there were either lying down or pulled out. She examined the rest of the area by squinting, holding her panic as best she could, and she noticed the mark of a large-scale impact on the trunk of a pine tree, towards which she traced her path as quickly as she could. Her investigation led her to another tree where a second blow crushed the bark for several centimeters, this time accompanied by new trails of blood, and Erza looked for other clues about what had happened next._

_She proceeded as calmly as possible, examining every element of the setting, but her heart pounding faster and faster regularly cut off her thoughts despite her efforts to remain neutral to what she had just seen and what it meant. Fortunately, she did not need to concentrate to detect other scarlet spots spread on the grass a little further away, towards which she rushed. She squatted down in front of the hemoglobin puddle, which she concluded was wider than the others, and detected a drop a few centimeters beside its source when she looked up, then another, and another..._

_A bloody path ran from where she was to go deeper and deeper into the darkness of the forest, slaloming among the trunks._

_Erza knew immediately what she had to do and rushed out, heartbroken in panic._

* * *

_Soon, the steps of his pursuer were no longer audible despite his sharp senses of Dragon Slayer and Natsu stopped, his breath short. He still took a panicked look behind him to make sure he was out of danger and since there was no one there, he allowed the adrenaline to go down, lowering his shoulders in relief._

_But at the same time, the affliction came back in force with exhaustion, easily surpassing the relief. Exhausted, he collapsed on his knees and bowed his head, trying to catch his breath. His eyes closed hastily under the nebula of emotions roaring in him and his jaw tightened in a vain attempt to drive it away and prevent it from taking possession of his whole being. Unfortunately, the surge did not calm down, testified at every moment by his raw heart pulsing at full speed in its prison of flesh and by the jerky and unrestrained breathing agitating his whole body._

_He was exhausted. He was hungry. He was in pain. So much so that he wondered if he would only find the strength to get up again. If he still harbored within him the strength to overcome the obstacles that never stopped getting in his way. He had believed when he arrived at the guild that he was saved, that he would finally be surrounded by friends and above all, that he wouldn't suffer anymore. But life had continued to play with him, to inflict more and more hardships on him, and one day the time would come when he would no longer have the will or the strength to overcome them. The ordeal Gray was inflicting on him probably couldn't even be. He had only one card left in his hand that could possibly fix the situation, but he didn't even have time to play it when a new trial violently turned his existence upside down. Even as he struggled to endure the terrible suffering inflicted on him by his punishment, a new one was imposed._

_At this rate, he would eventually collapse under the ever-heavier burden that was eating away at his shoulders, which would then not be able to carry it anymore._

_He didn't understand. He didn't understand anything. Why was Gray so desperate on him? Why did his presence hurt him so much? What had he done to make him hate him so much that he came all the way over here to hit him? They hadn't seen each other since the beginning of their punishment, so how could he have put the ice mage in that state?_

_This Gray who had entered his house... He had absolutely nothing in common with who he had always seen him to be. The suffering, whatever the cause, was metamorphosing him, and he could not deny that he was responsible for this degeneration. It was his arrival that set off the detonator of that self-destructive spiral into which he was sinking, which had increased his suffering to make him become this entity of pure hatred. While trying to save him, he was destroying him. The master's forced isolation must have locked him in a whirlwind of suffering and unfulfilled rage that led him to want to relieve it by attacking its source: himself. That boy who came to find him was not Gray anymore._

_The exhaustion weighing down his muscles diminished a little, and he was able to find enough energy to get up, although he had trouble standing on his legs. He looked around and when he saw some chimneys rising in the distance, he realized how far he had gone from the city. He was in the forest that bordered it, near a lake with such clear water that he could easily detect every fish populating it. His empty stomach then growled with dissatisfaction, and despite his detestable impression of reliving his greatest nightmare and the nausea rising at the thought of swallowing anything, he at least resigned himself to taking advantage of this water to drink. So, he limped towards the shore with a few hiccups of pain, trying to spare his injured leg, and knelt at the water's edge._

_Two sips were enough for his stomach to refuse the slightest extra drop and he had to settle for it. His eyes caught his reflection floating in the swirling water that the wind was blowing, and he suddenly felt so miserable that he hurried to dissipate it with a sudden gesture, sweeping it off with the flat of his hand. However, this only served to distort it, deepening its uneasiness, and he rather tried to make it disappear from his sight by splashing his face, closing his eyes to do so._

_He turned away from it immediately afterwards and sat not far away, next to a tree against which he huddled. His face found refuge again between his knees, which he held with his trembling arms. He stood still for a moment, trying not to think of anything, to enjoy the regular sound of the water and the wind caressing the leaves of the trees. The chatter of the fauna and flora soothed him enough to clear his mind, and another problem came up against him._

_What was he supposed to do now?_

_Should he keep moving as far away from Gray as possible, let him catch up with him and do with him what he wanted, seek help?_

_At this late hour of the evening the guild was probably empty so it was useless to go there, and in any case, he didn't want to impose on them the burden he would represent if he asked for their help. If he were to move further away, he would eventually get out of the city completely and anyway, he couldn't run away from Gray all his life and even less abandon him in this state. Even if this would not solve the fundamental problem, the only way to solve the current one might be simply to confront it. It would be painful and terrifying, but this ordeal would at least definitely be a thing of the past when it was over and perhaps free Gray from the hatred blinding him. If serving as a punching bag could help him feel better, it was his duty as the person responsible for this mess to let himself become one. He just had to endure the beatings and injuries for a few minutes. After all, he was used to it and probably deserved them._

_His decision was made, but as he was about to put it into practice, a voice startled him._

**_"Microbe!"_**

_The determination he had believed he had won melted like snow in the sun in the gloomy tone of his voice. He turned feverishly in his direction but saw only a brown tuft passing a few centimeters before the impact, which for the third time propelled him several meters away. It was a rock that welcomed him this time, one of his points hitting his back so violently that he felt his spine cracking sinisterly._

_His hands broke his fall but the pain did not allow them to support his own weight and he collapsed on his stomach. He struggled to raise his head as he tried to get up, but he only saw a shadow throwing itself at him, sending him back to the ground. His back hit it hard and he had barely reopened his eyes when a fist passed in front of them to land in his jaw, tearing out a cry of pain. A second one immediately picked his nose, which began to bleed profusely, almost breaking it. Finally, two hands wrapped around his throat to compress it with such force that they blocked his breathing._

_Everything faded around him as his lungs emptied of their air without ever being able to satiate. He tried to talk to beg his executioner to let go, but all that crossed his lips were muffled growls that could never be transcribed into words, forcibly blocked in his lungs by the tight fingers around his neck. His own hands desperately grabbed the wrists holding him to make him let go, but his attacker did not give in. All his energy was sucked in along with his air and he had to give up his desperate attempts to escape the choking he was suffering. His arms fell back against his flanks, his vision blurred as his field narrowed, and soon he felt the icy, skeletal fingers of death grabbing him. It surrounded him from all sides, ready to swallow him up at any moment._

_Something exploded in him at that feeling of imminent death that he already knew too well. He couldn't, didn't want to die. If in the past his desire to live had only been motivated by fragile hope and fear, this was not the case now. He had so much to discover now that the true world had opened up to him beyond his little dark cave, so much to live and experience outside the daily loneliness from which he had suffered for so long. He had survived the worst situations, clung again and again to the hope of finally getting out of this nebula of loneliness, and in Fairy Tail was his only chance of salvation. He had miraculously found his way out of that labyrinth. It was there, within reach. To abandon now would mean having struggled and suffered in vain, and his whole being categorically refused it._

_An intense heat wave spread throughout his body in response to his emotions and he could not control it. A power like he had never experienced before seemed to radiate it from within, but rather than consume it, it warmed it in a way that he can never explain. His heart, body and even soul were suddenly relieved of any burden, sweeping away pain and fear with a single breath. His whole being seemed to have been wrapped in a silky cocoon of warmth, so soft and reassuring that he would have cried with relief. He felt as if he was again wrapped in Igneel's protective wings, and never had his adoptive father seemed so close to him as he did at that moment. It had been a long time since he had felt such well-being._

_The next second, something sprang out of him to drive away the threat to his life, and what was compressing his windpipe vanished. All the pleasant sensations that had embraced him suddenly disappeared, and after experiencing all this sweetness for the first time since his abandonment, reality seemed even more vile to him than it had ever been. All the weight of the burden he constantly carried fell heavily on his shoulders, accompanied by all the biting emotions constituting it. He felt the rain freezing him again, his throat burning him, his wounds reopening, his breath choking him. His consciousness had been sent back to its state of perpetual suffering, shaking him violently._

_The dream had faded, sending him back to the painful reality. _

_Suddenly regaining consciousness of everything around him, he took a hasty breath to replenish his lungs with the air they had been deprived of. He was just recovering from the abrupt return of his ordeal when Gray's voice, full of surprise, rose before him._

_"F-Fire?"_

_His ears were ringing so loudly that he barely heard it. Still panting, he inquired about what had miraculously driven away the hands that had tried to suffocate him, barely straightening up on his elbows to see it._

_Between him and his attacker, rabid tongues of fire were vehemently whipping the air, forcing Gray to step back. Even their owner widened his eyes in amazement, stunned to see his magic free of its own will to protect him. Never had such a thing happened even in the most dangerous situations he had ever faced, which had been many. He only understood Igneel's teachings about the powers of the Dragon Slayers, who said that their magic was a living matter shaped by the emotions of their user. He only now realized what it really meant. It was surely the emanation of his own powers that had given him that priceless moment of serenity a few seconds earlier, just before they freed themselves. _

_This surprising and unexpected intervention at least had the merit of dispelling the madness seizing Gray, towards whom Natsu directed his pupils agitated by surprise and confusion. These same emotions contaminated those of the ice mage who in turn observed him, his wide eyes meeting his own._

_With his mind finally free from the rage that had consumed him, Gray took another step back from what he had almost done without taking his eyes off his victim. Hatred still devoured them, but disgust for himself was contaminating them too at the thought of the monstrous acts it had forced him to commit, which deeply saddened Natsu, knowing that he was the only one guilty of the emotions holding him at that moment._

_Despite the bruises and wounds covering him, the little Dragon Slayer straightened up on his lap as the flames he had created softened along with the previously sharp emotions of their owner. They still seemed drunk with fury, but rather than attacking the person responsible for their possessor's fear and pain, they wrapped themselves around his body, protecting him. The two spectators were all the more troubled, especially Gray, who had difficulty assimilating what he had just discovered and which no one before him had ever known._

_It had been easy to guess, by the currents of magic that everyone could feel flowing into his body, that this boy was endowed with powers like them. Yet they had never seen him use them, never had he even talked about them, avoiding the question every time it was asked. Then discovering that he was handling the element totally opposed to his own was a revelation and a total shock. _

_He felt he understood even better why he hated him so much. Their personality was not the only thing opposing them, their very magic chanted this difference, provided them with the undeniable proof that they could never live serenely in the other's presence. That they were meant to fight each other, to hate each other, and that they would never be free from this eternal conflict until a winner was declared. To finally escape from this endless loop of hateful emotions and save the guild from its hold, he **had to** fight against this enemy, until one of them disappeared forever from the other's life. In Gray's eyes, this person could only be Natsu._

_Nothing else would be able to break the spell that had been cast on him and the entire guild, he had never been surer of it than now. Natsu **had to** disappear._

_His eyebrows frowned under the determination invading him, and his gaze became menacing again while he was still staring at his enemy. The latter backed up against the trunk of the tree behind him, cornered by the ice mage's sudden expression. _

_"Fight me."_

_After seeing him so eager for violence, Natsu did not expect at all the surrealist calm with which Gray had spoken or such firmness and froze in stupor. Believing he had heard wrong, he stammered: "W-What?"_

_"You know very well it's the only way. Then stop running and fight me."_

_This time the realization struck him against this inconceivable proposal and immediately replied, the anguish and horror permeating his voice, "N-No!"_

_Gray's forehead wrinkled more to this categorical refusal to make himself look even more threatening, but this time Natsu did not give in to the pressure, horrified by the mere thought of shamelessly hitting and injuring another child who, even if he had used violence, was suffering just as much as he was. He, who was aware of this commonality, knew full well that fighting and hurting each other would not help either of them. He had to make Gray understand it, but he doubted he could. However, this did not deter him from trying, and he continued firmly: "I-I don't want to fight you! There's got to be a way to- "_

_"Coward."_

_Natsu's fist clenched, the despair of never being able to prove to Gray how wrong he was reviving the embers of an anger he had kept buried for too long. The insult brought it back to life as he had never allowed it before, despite the many others Gray had thrown at him every day. He had done everything, **everything**, to make the ice mage accept him and realize that he was mistaken, but each of his efforts had been shamelessly swept away, and Gray had never tried to get to know him and adopt a different point of view than his own. Every time he tried to convince him of his good intentions, he could barely open his mouth that he was immediately repelled. _

_These repeated failures enraged him and he had to make considerable efforts to repress his impetuousness and refrain from punching him in the face to get his thoughts in place. The fear of what would happen if he let himself go to these kinds of emotions had always evaporated all this fury in an instant. He had then submitted to all the blows and insults without saying anything despite the gaping wounds they inflicted on his heart, under whose pain he nevertheless wanted to scream so much. _

_That was why he still refused to use force to make himself understood. He simply exclaimed in a loud and challenging voice. "I'm not a coward!"_

_Instead of being surprised by the unusually defiant attitude of the Dragon Slayer whose body he had seen tremble with anger, Gray was satisfied, proud to have succeeded in proving that his naive and innocent behavior did indeed hide a completely different personality. However, this emotion did not materialize on his features, because more than satisfied, he was angry to see him deny an irrefutable truth that had been proven every day since his arrival._

_"Who do you expect to believe that, huh?! You've been running from the beginning, you're a coward! You were probably hoping to get them like that, playing nice, but you can't get me! There's no point in hiding anymore, I know who you really are!"_

_As so many times before, Natsu's rage vanished, terror instantly replacing it. Even if he misunderstood the reason for doing so, Gray knew that behind appearances was a completely different Natsu, a weak and useless Natsu who only deserved to be abandoned again, and the fear that he would succeed in proving it to everyone easily crushed his anger. Even his magic abandoned this emotion, the flames it had created suddenly dissipated. _

_For the umpteenth time, he tried to convince Gray that he was not doing it in order to hurt anyone. He looked down, and his voice was shaking when he opened his mouth: "I-It's not what you think, I swear... I-I just want... I just want to stay with you…"_

_It was the first time he had managed to finish a sentence to reveal his true intentions, but unfortunately it was too late. Gray was now too blinded, too mired in his own point of view that he had become unable to consider another. Now, everything Natsu could say or do was mocked to match his vision of things, which the ice mage proved to him again when he replied. "As soon as you're exposed, you try to get me through feelings, huh?! Do what you want, it won't work! Whether you fight or try to run, I'll beat you, Microbe!"_

_Gray adopted a fighting posture, and when icy currents of magic emanated from his body, Natsu realized that he had no time left. That if he couldn't convince him in the second, he would have lost his last chance to do so. He stretched out a hand in front of him in a last hope to stop Gray from acting, and just as an ice hammer was blowing in his direction, he screamed in despair, "- W-Wait a minute! You have to believe me! Let me explain- "_

_Natsu felt as if his skull was shattering into a thousand pieces when Gray's creation hit him in the head, interrupting him in his sentence to propel him to the side. He landed on his side several meters away, his shoulder painfully scraping the ground for a few more centimeters, and he hit a trunk that stopped him in his tracks. He fell back on his stomach and hoisted himself on his hands and knees, spitting out in pain. His head was roaring with sound rumblings from the shock it had just received, his shoulder was giving him continuous signals of pain, and his ears were whistling so loudly that he could hear almost nothing. _

_With his head down and panting monstrously, he was leaning on the tree in a painful effort to get up when Gray arrogantly provoked him: "So? You still don't understand that your stupid or battered dog looks are no use to you anymore? You're done, Microbe. No need to hope to escape what you deserve. Then stop and defend yourself. Are you really going to let me beat you that easily? You're a mage, right?"_

_He approached him to continue the fight, and Natsu took advantage of this moment of respite for one last attempt to convince Gray that such a confrontation was not necessary and to stop this madness. Even if he tried to hide it from his new family, he loved to fight, he loved challenges. But not like this. Especially not like this. "I already told you, I don't want to fight you! I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to!"_

_"Why do you keep doing that?!"_

_Natsu knelt in the ground that the rain had already begun to moisten, one hand still leaning against the bark, and closed his eyes hastily, desperate. "P-Please! Just tell me what I can do!"_

_He jolted and raised his head towards Gray when he felt an icy flow penetrate him to the bones, testifying to the nameless rage whose the ice mage was exploding. He had stopped a few meters from him, threatening him with a dark look of hatred. His face, however, expressed no emotion and his voice was cruelly neutral when he said firmly. "It couldn't be easier."_

_Natsu thought she was experiencing the action in slow motion when Gray rushed towards him with the hammer in his hand, ready to unleash the full extent of his suffering and hatred on their source. Time even seemed to have stopped when he reached his position, his face a few centimeters from his own. His breathing became blocked, his gaze petrified with stupor was lost in the darkness of his own for a second which seemed to him to be a full minute, paralyzed on the spot. _

_He heard Gray's voice whispering in his ear before the inevitable impact. "Get the fuck out of our lives."_

_The powerful blast of the movement of the weapon stroking him lifted him off the ground and he was swept away again, this time touching his already damaged ribs to crack them permanently. Nothing slowed down his fall and before he hit the ground, a sharp rain of ice was directed at him. It pierced the flesh of his chest and arms, intentionally missing all vital points, and he screamed in pain._

_He fell head first at a dizzying speed but his attacker still would not let him touch the ground and rushed towards him. "Defend yourself, Microbe! There's no point in holding you back anymore, so fight!" He leapt into the air to hit his target and noticing that he was not even trying to restore his balance, he roared. "Don't make me out to be the bad guy in the story! Defend yourself!"_

_He swung his leg with an agile movement to hit Natsu's temple and propel him in another direction, but he held him back from moving away from him by grabbing his clothes to lure him within reach of his fist, which this time crashed into his stomach, followed by several others. The unbroken series of uppercuts lifted Natsu's body higher into the air with each blow like a puppet, and finally, a heel against his neck sent him to the ground._

_Gray landed smoothly as Natsu was crashing just in front of him, lifting a cloud of dirt and stones that hid him in its center. The ice mage waited until the cloud of dust had dissipated to reveal his enemy, who despite the many shocks had crawled up on all fours, his arms shaking under the effort. Gray did not wait to approach him, and taking advantage of his opponent's disorientation, he grabbed him by the collar, forcing him on his legs, which were unable to support his own weight._

_The Dragon Slayer's body was shaking with pain under the fingers holding him upright. His face was deformed with bruises, cuts and blisters, his arms and legs covered with the wounds inflicted by the ice spikes that had penetrated them, his clothes torn, and his entire body was stained with dirt and blood. The pain and exhaustion had made all his muscles atrophied, and he could only try to escape Gray's grip. _

_Yet a strangely determined flame shone in his eyes as he stared at his opponent, although an imploring gleam undeniably clothed them. "Y-You can hit me all you want. If it helps you, I'll let you. You can even do it every day if you want to, but please…" Snippets of desperate tears came to the corner of his eyes, which he closed vigorously, his eyelids quivering slightly under the force with which he was keeping them closed. "Please just let me... just let me stay with you..."_

_A strange impulse of remorse and pity infiltrated Gray's heart in the face of his pleading expression and shivering voice, but he narrowly drove it out. Disappointed by himself for almost falling into the trap and furious that this runt had tried to lure him into it, he reinforced his grip on him, approaching his face even closer to his own and lifting him almost off the ground. "What for?! Why do you want to stay here so badly just to make our lives miserable?!"_

_"I-It's not what I- "_

_He suddenly stopped, his overdeveloped hearing easily capturing the footsteps visibly moving in their direction, towards which Gray directed his gaze as he heard them too. They recognized the small figure running towards them instantly._

_Erza._

* * *

_**Can't say I can't cut the chapters just where it takes to be a pain :p **_

_**Anyway, that's it. I guess you expected Gray to show up at Natsu's, I don't think it was a big surprise. I have to admit that I wondered if I didn't make him a little too violent, which is why I insisted a lot on the fact that he really lost his mind. The nightmare he had in the previous chapter is also there to give some coherence to his extremely violent behavior and explain why he is so focused on Natsu.**_

_**I suppose that the "real" Natsu wouldn't have let himself be done like that, but well, in this story he's not yet quite the Natsu we know from the manga and it remains consistent that he doesn't react if he's so afraid of being fired from the guild. I tried to show that he really refrains from flaring up (something that our Natsu would have done, that's for sure: p) and that deep down he is as impulsive as the manga one.**_

_**In any case, personally, I have a tight heart to imagine Natsu in the middle of a panic attack and being attacked like that for no reason at all. Especially since I have insisted a lot on the fact that he suffers from his isolation (and this is totally intentional). You have no idea what's going to happen next... I'm really horrible.**_

_**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and… I'll see you in three weeks. I can't publish it on the 28th because I'm not here, so it will be on August 4th. **_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	8. Get the fuck out

_**A week late as specified in the previous chapter, I was on holiday ;). So here is chapter 8, which marks the end of the confrontation between Gray and Natsu. Be prepare!**_

_**I wish you a good reading!**_

* * *

**Chapter 8: Get the fuck out**

_The two boys stood quietly as they watched their friend approach them, although she was too far away for them to see her face. Even her shouts were too distant to understand what she was screaming, but they didn't need it, the simple tone of her voice testifying to all the distress and panic she was taking with her. Gray frowned, realizing that he didn't have much time left to carry out his plan, but saw Erza's arrival as an opportunity. _

_Despite his reluctance to involve her again in all this and make her relive the same scenario as the last confrontation he had with Natsu, he knew that this was necessary for her to finally realize who this slob really was. If she would probably suffer from it at first, it was to better free her from the unhealthy influence that Natsu had on her and the whole guild. An evil for a good. Moreover, he did not intend to repeat the same mistakes and would force himself to contain his murderous impulses, making sure never to exceed the limits that his hatred had already made him cross twice. He did not want to become this vengeful beast again, debasing his good intentions by turning him into a bloodthirsty monster. It wasn't what he wanted to become._

_Natsu had to leave before he drove him crazy._

_He had no choice but to use force for this, but he would never again give in to the madness that had already clouded his mind several times. He could no longer let his actions be perceived as malicious and he refused to make Natsu a martyr when he had only what he deserved. He was simply going to corner him enough for him to finally reveal his true nature and free the guild and himself from his presence. And it seemed like Erza would be the first to see it. _

_Erza's imploring and terrified screams did not divert him from his objective and he refocused his attention on Natsu while pointing a finger at their mutual friend._

_"See?! It's only a matter of time before everyone knows you're a piece of shit!" Suddenly returning to reality and finally detaching her gaze from Erza, Natsu felt faint, both in the meaning of the words and in the hardness with which they had been spoken. Unfortunately, Gray had not finished throwing his aversion at him. "Everyone will see it, I'll show them! I'll show **her**! There's no point in persisting! Now or later you'll have to leave anyway, no one will want you anymore! Then leave us alone once and for all!"_

_It was the fiery determination burning in Gray's eyes that overwhelmed his composure this time. A determination totally different from the one he had already witnessed several times. It was devoid of hatred or revenge, only made of passion and loyalty. He really believed he was doing an act of justice, of devotion to all those hurt by the evil person he thought he was. _

_But whatever these errors of judgment were, he was right. They would probably all be better off without him, or at least without the "him" he still was but had sworn to erase. We just had to give him time. Even though his intentions had never been to hurt anyone, contrary to what Gray seemed to think, he had done it anyway, in one way or another. And if walling his weaknesses and impulsiveness behind smiles was not enough and only did more harm, then he was ready to seal all his emotions, to become a docile puppet. If it would allow him to redeem himself, to be useful enough for them to need him and not deserve to be abandoned again and thrown in the garbage, he would do so without hesitation. _

_If he could not be part of their world, if he did not deserve to be loved and protected, then he would be satisfied with their presence, to be able to feel and breathe it. If that's what the guild wanted him to be, he would be their shield, their thing, their waste to sacrifice if necessary. If he could be of any use to them, it would already be the most honorable act he had ever hoped to accomplish in his entire insignificant life, even if it meant leaving him dead. He would much rather die prematurely for such a noble cause with the feeling of having accomplished something than to disappear without leaving a trace in the slightest heart. He would do anything to deserve to dedicate himself to the task of protecting them, even if it meant being exploited for this important mission and becoming their pawn._

_Anything to not be alone again._

_That was why he could only beg Gray not to reveal to anyone the parts of himself that would inevitably and definitively send him back to Hell. Begging him not to sell his existence to the Devil who would send him back to the depths of his prison, and chain him to this world of perpetual darkness so that he could never escape it again. Begging him not to sell his heart to him so that his sharp claws can butcher it, tear it up, lacerate it, skin it until there is only a heap of bloody flesh left before devouring it slowly. Begging him not to return him to his infernal flames which had already tried so hard to consume him._

_Begging him not to offer his soul as food._

_He had never been so afraid in his whole life; he was nothing more than pure terror. He had remained paralyzed for so long that when he almost threw himself on Gray, the latter could not repress a jump of surprise and a gesture of retreat to the suddenness of his reaction. Natsu did not curb his fear though, the panic was altering his reason so much that he did not even realize that he was only reinforcing the ice mage in his mistaken opinions when he begged and almost screamed. "Please, don't do this! I'll do whatever you want, but don't tell them!"_

_"Why wouldn't I! You're ruining everyone's life, you're just a parasite! I won't let you hurt anyone else anymore! That's all you deserve!"_

_He knew it so well. He knew the disastrous impact his behavior and personality had had on others. Once again, he had disappointed all those who had given him a minimum of interest and affection. He was ready to pay the consequences, but Gray and the others had to understand that he had never wanted to be a source of misfortune and disappointment for them as he had already been for Igneel. They had to allow him to stay with them even if it meant paying every day for the pain he had caused them, they had to give him the benefit of the doubt, let him prove that he had never intended to do so much harm. That he was ready to deny his very existence, to become everything they would wish him to be to deserve even a little bit to be part of their world of light. Not to be sent back like a waste into the world of darkness that seemed to bear his name and only his name._

_Gray was the main obstacle to overcome, any hope would definitely be dead if he couldn't convince him. He had to do everything to change his mind, to finally consider the sincerity of his words and the joyful spontaneity of his actions as real, not the result of any machination he would plot against him and the entire guild. Even if some of his actions were forced, even if he concealed the gaping wounds Igneel had left behind by abandoning him, the joy he felt in their presence was no less real. Only the smiles that served to hide his disappointing and unforgivable weakness were fake, and he had never done so for any reason other than their happiness, thus ensuring his own. _

_Perhaps the only way to convince Gray was to expose these weaknesses and the disgusting ugliness of his personality that had pushed everyone to abandon him. That was all he had wanted to avoid until now, but it was the only chance he had left to make up for his mistakes. If he promised them that he was capable of becoming whoever they wanted and removing everything that harmed them, maybe they would let him stay. There was only this one way left. If it didn't work... it would all be over for good._

_His eyelids closed to prevent the tears starting to soak into his pupils from flowing. "I-I know. But that's not what I wanted…" His breathing already began to accelerate as he prepared the words to be released, but he tried to hold on and finally managed to stammer, terrified of what his revelations would cause. "Please, I don't want to... I don't want to-"_

**I don't want to be alone again**

_The words were burning him, eager for freedom, but panic made him suffocate so hard that it kept them trapped in the knots that had formed in his throat. His hands had become sweaty, his body was dripping with sweat and shaking horribly, every muscle was numb, his heart was imploding with terror and being tortured like no other panic attack had ever done. He couldn't breathe._

_It had never been so violent before. The inevitable advent of his greatest fear was imminent._

_There was so little hope left for him to escape the fate he was destined to face that everything seemed to collapse around him, as if he had already been thrown and abandoned again in the hell that he had struggled so hard to flee. Its doors were already opening in front of him and the simple fact of imagining crossing them emptied him of all his air. If he had to go back there, he would have no hope of getting out. He wouldn't survive it a second time._

_And he would not escape this fate. He knew that very well. All he could do was delay this moment as long as possible to experience this happiness for a while longer. Even if he had to be hit by Gray every day to pay his debt, nothing would ever be worse than the nightmare of loneliness. Even if he were beaten, insulted and enslaved for the rest of his life, this existence would still be better than the one he had lived until now. He would do anything to continue to live it. Any pain was more bearable than being alone and left on your own._

_He didn't know what he had been through to suffer so much, but it was something Gray should know. He who knew this unbearable pain, he was sure not to be mistaken in considering that the ice boy had a reason to isolate himself from others. This was certainly an even more frightening reason than the loneliness itself, encouraging him to endure it despite the torments in which it was most likely sinking him. In comparison, his own suffering must have been so insignificant, the mere fact of imagining an even greater pain than that made him nauseous._

_Maybe he had not used the right approach. Maybe if he could make him understand that he shared his pain, that he had experienced it and understood it better than anyone else, Gray would realize his mistake and could eventually even listen to his advices. This last chance allowed him to keep his panic away enough to prevent it from suffocating him and even to find enough breath to talk, although with great difficulty. _

_He lowered his head and placed his palm against his own heart despite Gray's hands which were still holding him firmly, folding his fingers over his clothes to evoke the pain, both his own and his interlocutor's. "I-I don't know what happened to you, but... I-I understand how you feel, I know it hurts."_

_Gray saw red. How could he dare? How dare he mock him all this time, laugh in his face day after day, and then tell him that he understood his pain as if he felt it himself? This **microbe** had the most beautiful life that ever existed, was happier than he would ever be, possessed everything he didn't have and everything he coveted. He attracted everyone's attention, he was surrounded by a blinding light magnetizing everyone towards him, he was of an infuriating lightness, had no worries, no weight to bear. He didn't know pain._

_He was free. Free from any burden, from any suffering. He wasn't like him._

**You're pathetic, Gray.**

_The words of his nightmare fueled his rage, especially since he knew they were true. Even if he accepted this state of affairs and almost used it as a weapon to quench his thirst for revenge on everything that had led him to this miserable existence, he did not tolerate hearing it from the mouth of this scumbag he was so jealous of._

_He was not only exposing this truth. He enjoyed it, made fun of it, laughed at it, implicitly spitting at him again and again how much he was better than him._

**You'll never be like me.**

_His pupils shrank to become two tiny slits as sharp as blades that pierced Natsu with their stabbing rage. They were vibrating so strongly that their target thought they would eventually break like glass. **"Don't fuck with me!"** The hands grabbing Natsu tightened so tightly that they almost suffocated him, and their tremors were shaking him as Gray was skimming with rage. "You laugh in my face for weeks and now you're telling me you understand me?! What's your problem?! What are you playing at?!"_

_Natsu realized that he had failed only when another fist hit him in the face, adding another mark among those he was already collecting. Yet he reacted as if he had felt nothing and compassion did not leave his eyes when he turned his bloody face towards Gray again. His hand found its way to his wrist, which he held without abruptness. Physical contact may be a good way to convey emotions to him so that he will finally believe in his sincerity. His eyelids were half closed, and his half-pupils still visible were lowered and moistened with compassion and grief. "You could smash everything that goes through your hand, get revenge and even kill me... you'll still hurt. Your loneliness won't disappear, I've already tried."_

_Unfortunately, his combed and compassionate attitude only generated more anger, and Gray released his wrist with a sudden movement, sweeping his hand with his own before tightening his grip on his enemy, lifting him almost off the ground. Another fist hit his cheek, sweeping to the side that saddened look that Gray knew was simulated, redoubling its enraging effects. "What does someone like you understand about loneliness?! What can you understand about pain?!"_

_Despite the new mark Gray's fist had left on his cheek and the blood it had spilled from his lip, Natsu didn't even try to contradict him and kept his head turned to the side. His eyes partially hidden under the soaked mass of his hair were riveted to the ground, and his jaw tightened in a mixture of frustration, resignation, and grief._

_It was him who had forced his gaze to flee from his by hitting him, yet Gray could not bear his sad look and wet eyes that persisted in staring at the ground. What was he waiting for to wear that repulsive smile he hated so much, which he had always used every time he exposed his suffering? Why did he persevere so much to perpetuate his lie even if it meant being beaten up again and again? To cling so stubbornly to them when he was definitely unmasked and had no chance of fooling them again?_

_These questions abruptly inflicted a sharp spike of pain to his skull. As he grimaced with discomfort, his consciousness continued to stab him more and more virulently, imploring him to let it express itself through the muddy magma of rage that had suffocated it until then. The pain inflicted on his mind became such that he could not resist, he had to abandon everything that fueled his madness, and a question came out of its debris to come to the surface. A question that his ignoble suffering had always prevented him from asking himself. It was the first time since Natsu's arrival that he had the lucidity to do so and he felt like he was finally back to who he was before Ul's death. _

_His eyes momentarily free of any trace of insanity then seemed to see Natsu as he had never seen him before._

_What if... the mask had actually already fallen off?_

_What if the emotions that were appearing on his face right now were authentic? What if what he said was true, if he never intended to hurt anyone?_

_What if... he was wrong all along?_

_As soon as this question crossed his mind, the memory of everything he had done to that boy exploded and turned his heart around, making him nauseous. The insults, humiliations, blows, everything intertwined in his head with the assumption that he had only despised, belittled and persecuted an innocent, voluntarily and without hesitation._

_His heart squeezed again and again, stronger and stronger, and he felt like he was choking on his own repugnance. _

_He was monstrous._

_His hands unconsciously loosened their grip on Natsu when he started to pant severely and he collapsed on his knees, immediately attracting Natsu's gaze, who opened his surprised eyes as soon as they witnessed the horrifying state Gray was in. _

_The ice mage held his heart as he suffocated, his fingernails practically sunk into his skin as if they hoped to tear it off to reach the pulsating organ behind it._

_"G-Gray? W-What's going on?!"_

_He squatted down hastily next to him and when Gray felt his hand resting on his back, he looked up, surprised. They met Natsu's which were shining with a shocked and worried spark and he could not detach his own anymore, as if hypnotized by the other boy's improbable expression. Even the misunderstanding inundating him did not pierce the atony numbing all his thoughts, preventing him from questioning the implausibility of his behavior. He continued to observe him for a second that seemed to last for whole minutes, his mind trapped in the present moment._

_It was at that precise moment that he realized._

_The pain... had disappeared._

_His eyes widened with surprise at this observation and his gaze was lost even more intensely in his contemplation of Natsu who, for his mind locked in the course of time, seemed to have been petrified on the spot. For the first time since the tragedies that had torn everything away from him and imprisoned him in this endless spiral of suffering and grief, his heart was serene and light. No more continuous peaks of acute pain, no more suffocating compressions. Nothing._

_His pain was no more._

_Tears tingled in his eyes but he stopped them from flowing by turning his gaze away from its original target. Not for a second had his mind, heart and body been so light since **that** day, not for a moment had they stopped reminding him how bruised they were. They were so crushed, butchered and continually blackened by hatred, revenge and grief that he had forgotten what it was like not to be in pain. The pain itself had turned into banality, it had become the very definition of "living". He never thought it would be possible not to feel it, even for a second._

_He did not understand what could have relieved him so abruptly from the weight that had been crushing his existence for so long, but he would give anything to make this second last forever. He felt so well, lost in that immobile eternity, out of reach of anything that was torturing him. He never wanted to go back to this nebula of perpetual suffering, to be in pain again._

**You're pathetic, Gray.**

_Natsu's voice suddenly resonating in his head shook him violently and his eyes still fogged with water instantly landed on the other boy, who was still staring at him with stupor and no reaction, his lips ajar. In his mind, his face was denatured in an arrogant and contemptuous expression to mock his pain, while one of those eternal smiles of lies was spreading his lips to hide his own malice. His whole being was drowned in the meanders of his nightmare and in the memories of those last few weeks when Natsu had made fun of the daily and exponential increase in his suffering and misery._

_His priceless and unexpected feeling of deliverance vanished immediately and all his pain came back suddenly, crashing down on him like a thunderbolt. The suddenness with which it struck him increased its intensity tenfold, transforming his well-being into torture in an instant. His hands found their place against his temples as he smashed his forehead on the ground, shaking his head in all directions as his entire memory scrolled. Deliora, the blood, the screams, the tears, the bodies, Ul... and finally Natsu._

**You're pathetic, Gray.**

**_"AAAAAAAAAH!"_**

_His sudden and unexpected scream took Natsu by surprise and he backed away from the darkness that Gray's eyes soaked fiercely with as he raised his head towards him, bombarding him with hatred. Abandoning all restraint and before his target could regain enough lucidity to react, Gray jumped on him aggressively and threw him to the ground with violence, taking care to block his wrists on the ground with his knees when he landed on horseback above him. _

**_"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"_**

_Natsu didn't even have time to realize what was to follow that Gray interrupted any thought with another blow to the jaw, stopping any reaction or attempt to escape his rage._

**You're pathetic, Gray.**

**_"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_**

_He continued his attacks with increasing violence, sometimes in the face, sometimes in the stomach, tearing up more and more heartbreaking screams from his victim while to his already weakened, hungry and mutilated body was added new wounds. Some impacts were so brutal that they caused blood to spurt, without Gray ever worrying about the sinister cracking of the bones he broke against his phalanges or the sticky liquid that gradually covered them._

_Natsu could do absolutely nothing. While his body was being abused, shaken and broken, his mind remained atrophied, unable to react to what he was going through, or even to think about what it meant. Only the increasingly excruciating pain was present, swallowing up everything else. Each blow was sinking him even deeper into this cocoon of non-existence, totally isolating him from the outside world. To the point that even the pain was swallowed up, reducing him to a simple piece of shredded meat._

_Yet Gray continued to pound every part of his body, his cries of pain sounding like insults in his unstable mind, starving his rage instead of sustaining it. He no longer even knew what he was hitting or why, had even forgotten the original cause of the fury consuming him. He was only aware of the delectable sensation that his fists were feeling on that soft and firm surface against which they were crashing. Even the words seemed meaningless when he yelled, his crushed heart speaking in place of his failing mind. _

_"I'm gonna rip out everything that matters to you, let's see if I'm the one who's pathetic! You're no better than me!" He was speaking with an illusory memory, but it was as real to him as those of Deliora massacring his family or Ul sacrificing herself to save him from his claws. In this burst of bloody and haunting images, it was no longer even Natsu he was hitting, but the pain itself. So that it could go away and finally leave him alone. "You're the one who's pathetic, you're worthless! Stop pestering us and leave us alone once and for all!"_

_As he continued to beat him merciless, Erza was almost on them, and she distinctly heard the words spoken despite the pulsating blood in her temples as she ran. The closer she got, the more detailed the scene became, and the more her panic increased. Through the wet veil that the tears had spread before her eyes, she was even able to distinguish each bruise and injury that already strewn Natsu's body and face, as well as those continuing to be added by Gray's current blows. She saw every spurt of hemoglobin, heard the bones cracking and, above all, the victim's screams of pain, freezing her blood with fear while boiling it in panic._

**_"GRAY!"_**

_Her umpteenth begging scream still got no answer. She knew that any attempt of communication was pointless until she got close enough to physically intervene, but she could not help herself, desperate to stop the massacre in the appalling event that she arrived too late._

_From the moment she had seen their two shadows colliding in the distance, she had known that her greatest fears were coming true and she had rushed in their direction, begging her two friends to stop. But she could only have witnessed, helplessly, their progressive mutual destruction, whether in body or mind. If Gray committed the irreparable, his mind would definitely break into a thousand pieces when he came out of his second state, Natsu's body would disappear six feet underground when life left him, and in both cases his precious friends would no longer be. She would never recover if something so bad happened._

_She **had to** arrive on time._

_Unable to accelerate her already-to-the-maximum pace, she simply kept screaming at them, begging for her voice to be heard, but neither Gray nor Natsu cared about her, having obviously forgotten that she was there. The ice mage was buried in his madness, the fire one in his pain, and none of them paid any more attention to anyone or anything other than his opponent. _

_Gray never tired of hitting the indistinct form underneath him. The fatigue of his muscles and even the now almost total disfiguration of the pink spot that his fists were hitting did not stop the whirlwind of madness he had become, and he continued hitting without any form of restraint. Even the screams of the thing enduring his anger were not reaching him anymore, transformed into whistles muffled by the adrenaline pulsating in his head and whole body. He could not even hear his own breath._

_Yet the voice resounding in his skull pierced his insulating shell effortlessly, screaming in his defective ears a single sentence. Again and again the same sentence._

**You're pathetic, Gray.**

_These few words had each time been like a stab in the boy's heart, but this time he totally ignored it. He could not be more wounded, more blinded with rage than he already was, and the sentence slipped over his thoughts without ever reaching them. He **was** pathetic. But for the first time in his life, he didn't care._

**I understand how you feel.**

_He suddenly stopped, out of breath. The surprise had suspended time and his fist a few centimeters from Natsu's disgraced face. His eyes did not distinguish him more than before, but his image appeared as if they were seeing him, emerging from his memories. A face first saddened and full of pain, then mocking and smiling with a fake, contemptuous innocence._

**I know it hurts.**

_He could not hear another word. His lips rolled up, this last enraging vision of Natsu clinging to his thoughts. Without realizing that these voices and images were only in his head, he struck while screaming. "How could you know with your little crappy life?!" The repeated bursts of blows were again thrown at the victim, and Gray continued, becoming every second more brutal than the previous one. "You're not the one who saw your parents and your whole village being killed by a monster! You're not the one who saw the master who took you in sacrificing herself before your eyes to save you!"_

_It was the first time he had spoken openly about his past, and Erza had to make considerable efforts not to slow down as she took these appalling revelations. She had always tried to know what he had experienced to suffer so much in order to help him overcome it, but she had underestimated the shock that such a despicable past would bring her. The truth exceeded all her most atrocious assumptions by far._

_She still managed to focus on the most important thing, and she was only a few steps away when Gray's fist struck again._

_"You have everything you want, everything **I** want! It's not you with your perfect little life who can understand me, so shut up! **You don't know anything!**"_

**_"Gray, I beg you, stop it-"_**_ She stopped immediately as she halted, horrified by what Gray was now holding in his hands, ready to slam it down on his target. Gray thundered, awakening Erza's disconnected mind a moment later. One moment too long._

**_"Don't act like you know how it feels! You'll see what real pain is like!"_**

**_"NO!"_**

_She had jumped on him to push him away from Natsu before he could act, sending them both to the ground, but her intervention could not prevent the worst from happening. A second before she reached him, the sharp ice peak had sunk into the fresh flesh, tearing off a terrible scream of pain from her tormented friend, accompanied by a horrible spasm. The blood that spattered splashed on Gray's face as much as hers, and still lying on the ground, Erza opened her eyes in horror. Her gaze remained painfully attached to the blade now stuck in Natsu's shoulder, so deeply that its tip had pierced his back and stuck into the ground below him._

_Natsu's already blue, bumpy and bloody face was deformed by pain, his whole body was speaking of suffering and desolation but Gray was still blustering, still not realizing the atrocity of what he had just done. Without taking into account for a second the acts he was perpetrating, he jumped up and threw himself back on his gasping and agonizing target to pull the blade out of his body with a sudden gesture, which arched with a second scream of agony and another spurt of blood that even crashed into his own face. The wound now freed from its icy executioner rejected flows of hemoglobin that slowly covered the grass with a sinister red color. _

_Pressing his palm hard against Natsu's chest to immobilize him as much as possible, Gray raised the bloody blade again and prepared to stab him a second time, but this time Erza was able to hold him in a desperate gesture, rushing at him to grab him by his armpits and then pulling him backward to keep him away from Natsu. The latter took advantage of the absence of any object or weight to nail him to the ground to straighten up despite the throbbing pain stabbing his shoulder and his whole body. Shocked by what had just happened and terrified by the prospect of another torture, he instinctively backed away to get as far away from his torturer as possible, as far as his miserable state allowed him._

**_"Gray, stop it! You're going to kill him!"_**

_Slumped miserably against the tree behind him and his eyes wide open from the shock, Natsu looked at the two wriggling silhouettes in front of him, his mind totally amorphous. He panted for long seconds, his heart leaping horribly into his chest, struggling to find a minimum of lucidity in the maze of fear and dread where Gray's merciless punishment had locked him up. He had the impression to feel his fists brutalize each part of his body as if they were still hitting him, to hear his own screams and those of his torturer, to be stuck in this ordeal of pain. He did not even realize what had just happened despite the sharp pain signals from his whole body, as if time had stopped during his whole ordeal and had resumed its course only just now._

_Physically, he had never felt so much pain in his entire life. His body was a battlefield where every bruise, wound and fracture fought among themselves for the few millimeters left unscathed. Even when a monster had massacred him and almost killed him while trying to find food to survive in the ruthless wilderness, he had not felt so devastated. Because to his merciless physical pain was added the one attacking his heart empty of hope. _

_All the imminent consequences of his failure to convince Gray hit his being with acrimony, reconnecting each neuron between them to confront his mind with reality. As soon as his body was finally freed from its vegetative prison, snippets of tears soaked his pupils as he realized the full extent of the situation. _

_His eyes fixed on Erza, and instead of warming his heart, her determination to protect him killed the last zest of hope he had kept, because he knew it would disappear._

_It was all over. He had no hope of escaping from what terrified him so much. It was only a matter of time before Gray revealed his ugliness to everyone, who was then inevitably going to abandon the disgusting being he was. Erza's vision of protecting him from his aggressor would soon fade away and give way to disappointment and repugnance. She would heal his wounds one last time before ferociously reopening each scar when it fainted, offering him one last bit of happiness before its annihilation. A final feeling of comfort before the nothingness of the loneliness to which he had always been condemned and which eagerly awaited his return since he had failed it. _

_Summoning some miraculous force and for some reason he ignored himself, he forced his mutilated body to move. Leaning on the tree with one hand, the other firmly pressed against his rib cage to control his erratic breathing and support his broken ribs, he slowly unfolded his knees, which trembled under the strain._

_They gave in many times during his action, but he barely regained his balance each time by grasping more firmly at one of the bark's rough edges, stopping for half a second to catch his breath, overcome the pain and gather his strength, before resuming. Except for those moments when he was forced to close his eyes to overcome the pain killing him, his attention was never derived from the two children wiggling a meter away all the time his action lasted. He was watching for the slightest potentially dangerous movement of one of them, like a stalked beast that could be gored at the slightest moment of inattention and at the slightest too sudden movement. After several seconds of hard fighting, he managed to stand on his feet, although he had to lean against the trunk to maintain the position. _

_Erza kept screaming and begging him, but Gray couldn't hear anything. He was struggling against her grip, but even if she managed to keep him from physically hurting the fire mage, she could not stop the words from rushing at their target while he was still fidgeting in his embrace to make her let go. Natsu jolted, forcibly thrown into the present moment._

_"So, who's pathetic now, huh?! See how it hurts?! And that's nothing compared to what you're putting everyone through! Don't make us think you can change, you'll always be a parasite and a waste! The whole world would be better off without you!"_

**_"Gray!"_**

_Prisoner of his fury and mental instability, Erza's reproving and horrified injunction did not reach him any more than the haunting emotions that were expressed through the entire body of his target, and he totally ignored this irrefutable evidence of the unforgivable error he was making. A mistake he would regret as soon as the adrenaline went down. _

_Erza's outraged intervention was as much intended to express her horror as to prevent Gray from going any further in these cruel words and hurting Natsu's heart more, but the damage was unfortunately already done. The torn expression going beyond that of physical pain on the fire mage's features and the snippets of tears appearing on his lower eyelashes crushed her heart. Added to his state of exhaustion, pain and extreme weakness, the devastation of his face was intensified by all the most painful emotions in the world._

_With his shoulder leaning against the tree to stand, his legs were shaking as they struggled to support his weight. Every square inch of his skin was marked either with a wound or blood, and the way he pressed his arm against his chest informed her that he probably had a few broken ribs. If she hadn't been busy holding Gray back from jumping at him to hurt him more, she would have rushed a long time ago to support him, both physically and morally, and reassure herself about the seriousness of his condition. He really seemed to be on the verge of fainting._

_Unfortunately, she had to focus exclusively on the task at hand, Gray using more and more savagery in his attempts to get her to let go, throwing elbows and feet behind him in the hope of reaching her. She easily dodged his blows despite her concentration affected by the horror of the situation and held on, strengthening her grip as Gray's angry movements intensified. _

_Resigned to not being able to reach his target, Gray ended up simply pointing a scornful finger in his direction. "It's over, Microbe! If you set foot in the guild again, I'll kill you for real! I'll never let you go back there, it doesn't need someone like you! No one will ever need you! **You're useless!**"_

_Erza never thought it would be possible to see Natsu's expression more destroyed than it already was, yet it seemed to liquefy, accentuating her sense of urgency to prevent Gray from saying one more word. **"Gray, that's enough!"** She knew full well that ordering him to stop would not be enough to force him to do so, but as she could not let him go, she had no other choice but to try to reach the ice mage's mind with words. When she saw Natsu take a step back, she realized that he was about to retreat, causing her heart to explode with panic. **"Natsu, don't listen to him!"**_

_Unfortunately, only Gray's voice seemed to affect Natsu and he had not once detached his eyes from him. Erza's blurry contours, which were wiggling behind Gray's distinctive silhouette, were telling him that she was probably screaming something, but he was unable to hear her and preferred not to know what she was saying anyway. Gray's words were already painful enough, he couldn't bear to hear Erza chase him away and spit at him how miserable and useless he was, no matter how much it didn't change the purpose of this situation. He was already in too much pain._

_These lips moving only to send him atrocities were hypnotizing and petrifying him on the spot, each of their movements pushing him a little more towards the fatality he feared so much. Each word spoken intertwined with the chaos of his emotions to plant its fangs, looping in a disorganized jumble of sounds and meanings, until it finally formed a whole becoming suddenly very clear. _

_He was a parasite and a waste without which the whole world would be better off, neither the guild nor anyone else would ever need such a poison in their life, he would never be useful for anything. He had no right to impose his presence on them and he knew exactly what he had to do, but terror was paralyzing him on the spot. He had sunk so deeply into it that Gray's next scream made him jump._

**_"We don't want you here, so get the fuck out! Disappear and never come back!"_**

_He took a new step back but still could not bring himself to obey and take the action that would forever destroy his life, buried in his fear. The sweat covering his whole body was more and more abundant and his tremors more vehement, until Gray's scream made him startle again._

**_"Get the fuck out!"_**

_The order suddenly unleashed all his muscles, and as tears gushed out, he turned around and ran._

_Erza's heart leapt monstrously into her chest, and this last image of Natsu and his face ravaged by suffering, fear and desolation infected her thoughts, which clung cruelly to it. The determination to control Gray instantly abandoned her and she jumped forward with tears in her eyes. **"Natsu, wait!"**_

_She rushed in the direction he had taken, following the small staggering silhouette running in the distance as she slalomed through the trunks. She could easily read the pain and panic in his run, but despite the deplorable moral and physical state in which the boy was, he quickly outran her. Anguish flooded into Erza's body when she lost sight of him, but she did not stop, increasing the amplitude of her strides to the point where only adrenaline allowed her legs to keep moving. _

_The greyish curtain that the rain and mist raised was getting stronger and stronger, and when they finally completely obscured her view, she stumbled on a stump and collapsed into the mud. Her heart pounding, she raised her eyes filled with tears on the horizon, which with this reduced vision was only a few meters away. She suddenly stopped breathing._

_There was no one left._

**_"NATSU!"_**

_His desperate call echoed against the trunks and vanished into the greyish mass of the atmosphere. The shock then surpassed the panic when the adrenaline rush left her body and she stared at the void without moving, unable to accept what was happening. _

_Natsu was gone, he had been chased away._

_She didn't want to believe it. She had definitely lost her friend, the rain would erase all traces of him. No matter where he went, they wouldn't find him, they wouldn't see him again. Not after being so monstrously beaten up, humiliated and thrown out._

_He was gone and would probably never come back._

* * *

_**So? Who was expecting this outcome? Sorry for those who thought it would start to get better now, because... we can't say it's the case -_-. There's still a little way to go before that.**_

_**Well, so... Still no respite for Natsu, I don't even think I know what that word means when it comes to him. Anyway, I hope I didn't go too far when Gray attacked him "lethally" if I may say so. For those who still doubt it, it was this passage I mentioned in the first chapter that justifies Natsu and Gray's little ritual in the present. A few pieces are still missing to fully explain it, but the big one is there.**_

_**Anyway, Natsu has fled and I let you imagine that he will not live well what just happened... Besides, I am interested to know what you imagine seeing next: p. In any case, the problems are not over yet and I hope that you still have a strong heart for what is to follow.**_

_**Chapter 9 may not appear quite on time as I'm not there from the 19th to the 25th and I don't have the exact dates since I haven't taken my tickets yet, so "to be continued". Thanks for the reviews and see you later!**_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	9. Aftermath

_**Pouet !**_

_**Sorry for the wait, let's say I was taking a few holidays even though I didn't really leave anywhere:). I should be back on a steady pace from now on, without really promising it either. In any case, you will never wait more than a month to have a new chapter.**_

_**Well, I will leave you to read this chapter 9, which will surely allow you to rest your emotions a little until the situation obviously worsens. **_

_**Have a good reading!**_

**JKD:** _Don't worry, take your time, your reviews are still so enjoyable! Well you know what? It was exactly what I wanted to do: make everyone feel bad for the two boys (especially Natsu :p). _

_You're right to be scared, nothing is done yet, especially since Natsu fled from Fairy Tail... As for his flames in the chapter 7, I always thought of them as a real living being, and yes, something which is responding to Natsu's emotions. That's why they reacted like that when he's attacked by Gray. Thank you for your reviews anyway, like always, and I hope you'll like this chapter too!_

**Fairiesdevotion:** _I'm happy you thought it'll get better when Gray is somewhat realizing that he's maybe wrong about Natsu but... nope! Everything goes worse after that... Poor Natsu. Thanks a lot for your review, hope you'll like this chapter!_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Aftermath**

Erza tried to ignore the waves of fear that Lucy's appalling reaction left in the atmosphere and kept her head down, trying to control her own discomfort. Despite the questions jostling in her head, the stellar mage had not uttered a word, which added a significant weight to the already heavy atmosphere. With one hand on her lips and her eyes widened by the shock, she kept going over the terrible pictures rhyming with this story of Gray beating Natsu almost to death, which would have been the finality of this event if Erza had not intervened to separate them. The simple words telling it were already horrifying enough to shake her deeply, she could not imagine how she would have felt after witnessing such a morbid scene like Erza had. The first dispute between the two rivals had already brought its own weight of dread, and added to the second one, which had undoubtedly been a thousand times more devastating, this weight became even heavier.

This time Gray had not simply lost his temper because Natsu had provoked his anger, then leading him to the break of his mind and encouraging him to attack the fire mage. He had come to his home for the sole purpose of beating him up. However, much she knew that this gratuitous outburst of violence was only the response to the suffering that was eating away at him, she could no longer minimize the atrocity of his actions by using this undeniable truth.

She understood why Gray felt so guilty for what he had done that day. If she had believed that she could alleviate this guilt by convincing him that he could not really be held responsible for his actions given the suffering he was going through, this was not the case anymore. In his place she would have felt eternally guilty and it seemed to her that none of her words would be able to help him forgive his own actions, the only one with this power being undeniably Natsu himself. He was the one who had suffered them, so his forgiveness was surely a hundred times more valuable for Gray than the one of the entire guild. It was obvious to her that Natsu had already forgiven him long ago, and Gray certainly knew it too, but the Dragon Slayer was nevertheless the only one who housed in him the words capable of appeasing his guilt. The only one who can help him.

She didn't know what they were going to do once Gray joined him, but she hoped they would try to talk to each other sincerely, giving Natsu the opportunity to convince him that he couldn't blame himself forever for something so old. She had the feeling that under the circumstances Gray was not going to see him to fight, and this reassuring idea turned her hope into certainty. Imagining the two rivals openly talking to and confiding in each other was comforting and this sweet image of them soothed the bloody ones of the past, covering them with a veil of affection and overwhelming her with tenderness for the two boys. All she had to do was hope that Natsu would not seal his feelings to help his rival, that he would not sacrifice his own needs for the good of others as he so perfectly knew how to do.

Her only other fear was that Natsu would not be able to relieve Gray of his guilt this year again, and that he would have to endure it again the following year. She didn't want to feel so sad for him ever again. His confused and absent look was too painful to see, especially now that she knew why he had looked so exhausted that very morning. She realized that he had not got up so early for no reason, and that his apparent exhaustion was the result of an undeniable lack of sleep. Which saddened her deeply.

The thought of her two friends supporting each other at this very moment had dissipated the shock of the memories Erza had shared with them, but sadness had taken its place, unable to help but imagine how much Gray's hatred and disgust had tear Natsu's heart apart. She still didn't understand why her friend hadn't retaliated to the ice mage's blows and words, but she suspected that it must have something to do with Erza's earlier explanations about Natsu's behavior at that time. They had told her how strange and destabilizing his attitude was and had given her the certainty that it was hiding something, and not knowing what was a little scary for her. She was afraid to discover that he was still suffering from what had once disturbed him to the point of encouraging him to radically change his way of being and his very personality.

Forcing the images of Gray indulging in violence and Natsu covered in the blood it had spilled out of her head, she focused on Erza, who seemed to be struggling with her emotions. Once again she let her converse with them in silence, giving her all the time she needed to calm them down without disturbing her.

The redheaded was so deeply immersed in the depths of her memory that she didn't even notice how long the silence dragged on. The memory of this bloody spectacle and the emotions it evoked had spread throughout her body as if she had really relived it, easily infiltrating her steel shell. They manifested themselves in various forms, whether by the expression on her face, her slumped shoulders or her shaky hands, which she had hastened to hide under the table in a vain attempt to dissimulate how shaken she was by her own words.

The bestiality with which Gray had beaten and humiliated Natsu was indescribably horrifying, and the little girl she was had been deeply traumatized, something for which Gray had never been able to forgive himself. She had become strong enough as she grew up to endure this memory and Natsu's heart had only tiny painless scars left, but that was not diminishing its desolating aspect, quite the contrary. Because now that she had all the necessary details in her possession, she could measure the real extent of the effects that Gray's atrocities had had on Natsu that day. She could now realize how devastating they had been, what happened a month after that event as irrefutable proof.

She would never forget what was hidden in Natsu's heart, which she had discovered in the most appalling way at the end of these four agonizing weeks spent searching for him relentlessly.

Lucy's movement caught her attention and she looked up. The stellar mage had moved her hands away from her lips, slightly reducing the shocked content of her expression, although she was still undoubtedly shaken. She was now staring at the other guild members who had all looked down with sadness, except Gajeel, Wendy and Jubia who, like her, did not know the whole story. The water mage seemed particularly shocked, unable to imagine her Gray-sama acting in such a monstrous way. She was more than willing to defend him, but the mere idea of accusing Erza of lying after seeing her so upset made her nauseous, as well as flouting what Natsu had had to suffer from his rival's behavior. It was impossible for her not to hold Gray accountable for his actions no matter how much she wanted to.

She knew full well that this story was only the absolute truth, but even if it would not change the feelings she had for him, she refused to believe it, to admit that her great love could be the author of such reprehensible acts and that he was not perfect.

Even those who had experienced this succession of events filled with hatred between Natsu and Gray had never been aware of the details of that fateful night when they almost definitely lost Natsu. The bond that united them today seemed all the more surprising to them, almost unlikely. If they had known all this before, it would have been even more inconceivable to them that such a complicit and fraternal relationship could have been created between them, even more so when it was based on rivalry. Fighting and competing with each other, even if their motivation was no longer hatred, should have been impossible after almost destroying themselves in the same way before. The insults were now without consequences, the blows were futile and their motivations were friendly, but the facts remained the same and should have reminded them how disastrous and painful the horror that Gray had caused had been.

The risk of bringing back this memory by confronting each other was non-existent now that the past was far behind them, that they had grown and matured and that their relationship was as stable as it could be, but even when it was not yet the case they were already fighting. It was almost overnight that they had started arguing and having fun fighting, and if that fact had already been disconcerting at the time, it was even more so now that they knew everything. Not to mention the improbable speed with which Natsu had forgiven him, the fact that he had never tried to take revenge, and the immediate release of his true and unexpected personality. Not to mention the total change in Gray's behavior who had radiated with joy, combativeness and well-being, had opened up to Natsu and them in an instant, as if he had never suffered in the first place. Natsu had always been more than gifted at erasing the suffering of others but at this point... it was unreal.

It was as if the relationship they had begun to create was the result of an agreement between them, a joint decision to minimize the effects of their past actions on each other, a way to forgive themselves. Gray had obviously never fully achieved this, they only understood why now that they realized the full extent of what had happened in that fateful night. They were deeply saddened by this discovery.

They had never suspected that this last conflict had been so violent and bloody. Until then they thought they had simply argued and that Gray had responded to the words with his fists, but it was much worse than that. The ice mage had assaulted and beat Natsu up for no reason, and had continued over and over again even though his victim was not defending himself. He had insulted him, humiliated him and shattered his heart to pieces by uttering unspeakable horrors that for Natsu were undeniably the worst that could be thrown at him. The insanities hurled by Gray reflected and had led to everything that the Dragon Slayer had always feared: being rejected and abandoned.

They hadn't just argued, causing Natsu to leave, no. Gray had radically thrown him out. The fire mage had not left, he had fled. No wonder Erza had such a hard time talking about it, that Gray still felt guilty even fifteen years later, and especially that Natsu had taken so long to come back after that and had said _those words_ when he came back.

It was therefore more troubled than ever that they in turn lowered their heads, and Lucy felt so oppressed by the undeniable darkening of all her friends' faces that she also had to look away. The atmosphere was heavy, weighed down by all the mixed emotions that everyone was expressing, smoking the room which had become suffocating.

Gajeel was the only one who did not participate in the darkness of the general atmosphere, although he was affected by Erza's story, especially by Gray's words and the effects they had undeniably had on Natsu. Lucy and Jubia probably didn't realize it yet, but for him, everything was crystal clear. He was with Wendy the most able to understand why everyone seemed so upset for the fire mage, they had experienced the same abandonment of their respective dragons. He had not personally been as affected by Metalicana's departure as Natsu by Igneel's, but he realized that Gray's rejection had been extremely painful and he knew exactly why.

He took a look at Wendy standing next to him, but the snippets of tears moistening her eyes deterred him from continuing his contemplation and he focused again on Erza. She breathed a powerful sigh of frustration, pulling everyone out of their painful thoughts.

"Please don't make that face. All this is far behind us now, no need to mourn. Gray and Natsu have been over this for a long time, do the same."

"She said trembling like a leaf."

Erza glared at Gajeel for saying that and the Dragon Slayer quickly shrank, which was enough for the young woman to dissuade her from throwing him against the wall. "It has nothing to do with it, I'm not pretending that the memory isn't painful, especially right now. But I don't worry about them, they're not the children they used to be."

She rejected with all her being the images trying to get into her mind, representing the two torn children that Natsu and Gray had once been. She continued before they managed to make her lose the semblance of composure that she had managed to regain, "Gray may feel guilty and Natsu may be away, but that doesn't mean they're stuck in the past. The same thing happens every year and yet nothing has ever changed when they came back, whether it is our behavior or theirs. This year will be no exception."

This statement caused some frowning, especially from Macao who, with the joyful image of Natsu and Gray clinging to his thoughts, could not help but worry about what it might hide behind its air of lightness. "We know that very well, Erza," he affirmed, the folds of his forehead hardening, "but that's the problem. Can we really ignore the possibility that their torments are still relevant? You said it yourself, every year it's the same thing, and this sudden return to normal makes us forget right away that they're not necessarily doing as well as they look."

"But it's the same for everyone." All eyes turned to Mirajane who, with her eyes peacefully closed, recalled the saving words Gray had addressed to her earlier, as accurately as possible before she would expose them. She let herself be rocked for a moment by the feelings embracing her at that precise moment, eager to express their soothing and comforting scope in order to ensure that they'll be transmitted as accurately as possible. "I asked myself the same question and Gray told me himself this morning that we all have our ups and downs, that just because there's an injury in us doesn't mean it can't be healed. The guild is there for that, we just have to be ourselves to make life easier for others and that's exactly what Natsu and Gray are doing. As long as we are there for each other, the wounds of the past will not reach us. It's the same for them."

While the others were gradually convinced by these words, Erza smiled tenderly, moved by Mirajane's warm words, which were by extension Gray's. The kindness and gentleness with which they were imbued overwhelmed her with affection for the ice mage for having so truthfully transcribed how powerful the bonds between each member of the guild were, how essential they were to them, able to seal all their torments.

This period was particularly difficult for him and he was deeply affected by the memories it contained, yet he had not forgotten that he was not the only one affected by the situation. His own pain had not prevented him from being present for others, from supporting and helping them to calm the fears and painful questions that Natsu's absence and the reasons for it generated in everyone's heart. She realized once again how exceptional her friends were. How exceptional Gray was.

He was definitely not the same as before, and even if he had never said it in this way, she knew that it was to Natsu that he owed the cessation of all that suffering, all that hatred that was perverting his heart, even though it was full of kindness and desire to love. The fire mage's eternal generosity, kindness and optimistic cheerfulness had saved him. They had torn him from the claws of the morbid destiny towards which he was heading, miraculously pulling him out of the darkness into which he was sinking. Even though he hadn't admitted it to anyone, no matter how much they were arguing and fighting, she knew that Gray was extremely grateful to Natsu.

"Uh... Erza?"

The young woman almost jumped and when she noticed the stunned looks on her, she became aware of the smile on her lips and felt embarrassed that she had been surprised in this obvious testimony of tenderness. She cleared her throat to make herself look imperturbable, "Sorry, I was thinking."

No one tried to contradict her, but that did not prevent them from responding to her behavior with an amused smile that Erza deliberately ignored, preferring to avoid showing off her embarrassment.

This little scene that Erza had offered them, accompanied by Mirajane's reassuring words, had considerably lightened the atmosphere. Lucy was particularly relieved, as the oppression she was feeling until now had almost completely disappeared. She did not forget what she had to learn from the story which had already upset her so much, but with all her friends by her side she was not so afraid of it anymore. Mirajane's, Gray's words made her realize once again what it really meant to be part of this guild. Fairy Tail was the best home she could have found, she could not imagine life without them, and she would never thank Natsu enough for welcoming her. If she hadn't met him that day, she would never have experienced all that happiness, she would never have known all those wonderful people. She would be eternally indebted to him.

It was her turn to smile with tenderness, and Erza's amused, gentle laughter turned it into embarrassment. She scratched her neck, responding to her friend's giggling with her own.

"Anyway," Erza continued, "They'll be fine and I don't allow anyone to say otherwise. If you change your behavior towards them, they will make you regret it, believe me. Subject closed." No one dared to defy Titania's supreme authority and their silence was more than enough for her. She turned to Lucy who although more relaxed than before still seemed nervous, and she knew perfectly why. "Are you sure you want to know the rest, Lucy?"

"I can't say that I _want_ to, but what's for sure is that I don't want the last image I'll have left of all this to be _this one_. At least I know that everything will end well so…" Hearing herself talk about the certainty that everything had finally worked out between Gray and Natsu was a great benefit to her and she felt all the more ready to listen to the rest. Reminding it aloud also seemed to ease Erza, although her obvious tension did not help Lucy to separate herself from her concern for her interlocutor at the thought of letting her continue to expose the painful memories of that difficult period."And it would be more appropriate for me to ask you the question."

"Don't worry about me, it's almost over anyway."

"O-Ok."

Erza looked at her with an affirmative nod, then took a deep breath. "Fine. Let's go then."

* * *

_It took Erza several minutes to fully realize the tragic meaning and fatality of what she had just experienced, staring at the place where Natsu had disappeared without moving. She did not even try to get up and lay in the mud, the still fresh tears she had shed dirtying her cheeks with streaks which had become greyish by the particles of mud and dust that had splashed them. She felt so **empty** that she almost wondered if she was dead or dreaming._

_Reality struck her abruptly like an electric shock all over her body, shaking it with a sudden jolt almost like a spasm. All the consequences of this fateful situation brutally stabbed her in the heart, and new tears came to cover the old ones, almost blurring her sight. _

_With her mind now pulled out of the emotional nothingness into which she had fallen, Erza let herself be submerged to the sob, becoming fully aware of what all this meant. However, she did not interrupt her contemplation of the fixed point that her gaze had targeted, frightened by the prospect of accepting reality and resolving to continue living without the comforting presence of this boy who had become so important and special to her. She felt that once she looked away, she would have definitely lost one of her dearest friends and abandoned any hope of seeing him again._

_She sobbed for a long time, refusing to close her eyelids until the last moment or even to blink them despite her pupils starting to burn her. The slightest second of inattention, and its stationary state of pure and simple denial would turn into resignation. She wanted to delay this moment as long as possible._

_She stopped sobbing despite the still vivid tears and began to get up with a slowness only due to her emotional disorder, but did not take her eyes off the horizon, still in shock. She remained motionless in the middle of the forest despite the rain gradually soaking her, its water joining the salty one already flowing from her eyes and covering her face over the traces of dirt and mud. She stared at the void with absence and her expression had closed to all emotion, trying by all means to regain control, while tears continued their descent to her chin and finally crashed drop by drop to the ground._

_When she regained a minimum of lucidity, she struggled to focus on what she had to do now that catching Natsu had become impossible. Finally allowing herself to turn away from what she had been staring at for a few minutes, which had seemed like hours, she wiped off her tears and tried to get her motivation back, convincing herself that if she could do nothing alone to bring Natsu home, the guild might know what to do to find him. She knew that no one was going to let him down and that everyone would be quick to start relentless research without hesitation and without reservation At least everyone except Gray._

_Thinking about him inflicted a violent spike of pain on her already exhausted heart, with a hint of anxiety. She had rushed after Natsu, leaving him there, and who knew in what condition. Had he regained his lucidity or was he still sinking into his madness and suffering? Was he regretting his actions or enjoying his victory? In both cases, her grudge would not disappear so easily, whatever the reasons that had led him to act in such a monstrous way. Even the vilest of sufferings could not justify such bestiality. If they couldn't find Natsu and bring him back... Gray would have become the one who would have driven him out of their lives, out of **her** life, and despite all the friendship she had for him she wasn't sure she would ever forgive him._

**_"Erza!"_**

_The male voice calling her made her jump and she turned her heels with a leap, her still tearful gaze instantly catching the humanoid silhouette heading in her direction. With the fog even slightly more sifted than before, still preventing her from seeing more than a few meters ahead of her, the person trying to reach her certainly could not see her clearly. Having immediately recognized the newcomer's, Erza replied in a loud and cracked voice, hoarse with the grief still holding her. **"M-Macao!"**_

_She observed his shadow approaching closer and closer, letting her call reach him without adding anything. Soon Macao reached her and the tears, dirt and mud covering her overwhelmed him with panic. He almost threw himself on her to crouch in front of the little redhead, who immediately noticed what the fire mage was holding in his arms. She did not have time to open her mouth that Macao was already exclaiming, "Erza! Are you all right?! You're not hurt?!" She shook her head in the negative with absence, hypnotized by the small inert body that Macao was holding against him. He noticed it, and after sighing with relief when he learned that she was unharm, he quickly explained, "I found him unconscious in the middle of the forest not far from here. You... you know what happened?"_

_Erza was unable to answer and she continued to observe Gray's inexpressive face, which Macao had meticulously huddled in his arms and whose head he had carefully hidden in the fold of his elbow, holding it gently against his heart. The fact that she did not ask if he was all right while he was covered in blood disturbed Macao, who did not tolerate for long the heavy atmosphere that her lack of reaction had raised and explained without delay, "I can't say yet how serious his injuries are, but he's lost a lot of blood, so we have to get back to the guild as soon as possible. Do you know where Natsu is?"_

_The boy's name shook Erza so powerfully that new tears immediately joined those now dry on her face, shaking Macao like never before. The anxiety and anguish increased so quickly that it did not take him more than a quarter of a second to ask, trying to hide as much as possible the panic and the slight tremor of his voice. "Erza, what happened? Where's Natsu?"_

_The little girl still did not answer, and it did not take him long to understand that he would not get any answer until she had rested her mind of what had probably happened enough, and he felt that the most important thing for the time being was to bring Gray back to the guild. "It's okay, Erza, you can explain to me later. Let's go back to the guild for now, we'll go get Natsu afterwards. All right?"_

_Erza still had no reaction, digging up a sad and worried expression on Macao's face who had never seen her so shaken. Trying to suppress his sense of panic and urgency, he stood up and changed Gray's position so that he could reach out to her with a smile that he forced to appear reassuring. "Come on. Everything's going to be fine."_

_Despite her state of shock, Erza grabbed his hand feverishly and Macao guided her through the trunks running, in the urgency to heal Gray as quickly as possible before a tragedy occurred. Erza let herself be guided without reacting, only pushed by the hand pulling hers. Without it, she would never have been able to force her legs to move. _

_They arrived at the guild a few minutes later, and with his hands held, Macao broke down the doors of the building without worrying for a moment about the state in which he would put them, and broke into the building. No one had time to even turn around that he was already ordering, without holding back his panic. "Get the master right away!"_

_The mages in the hall widened their eyes as soon as they were able to find out about Gray and Erza's condition. All the children were unable to move, in shock, but Wakaba was fortunately lucid enough to leave the hall in a hurry and go up to the second floor to carry out the task ordered by his friend. Meanwhile, Macao released Erza's hand and rushed to the infirmary in a hurry. "Take care of Erza!"_

_He disappeared up the stairs, and Cana was the first to come to her senses to run to her friend who had remained motionless on the threshold. She stopped in front of her and put one hand on her shoulder as soon as she saw the shock she was in. "E-Erza! Are you all right?! Answer m-". She suddenly stopped talking when Erza's legs gave way and she barely caught her before she collapsed. She had to crouch down under the weight of the redheaded mage she was unable to carry by herself and exclaimed in panic, realizing that she had lost consciousness. "Erza!"_

_The terror released tears on Cana's cheeks and she begged anyone in the guild to come and help her. Her plea was answered by Reedus who joined them without delay, squatting next to the two little girls. Sadness and anxiety were readable on his features as soon as he understood what was happening, and he hurried to lift Erza's unconscious body. Detecting no injuries whatsoever, he sighed with relief and straightened up. He managed to free one of his hands to place it gently on Cana's head, who seemed to be deeply shaken. "It's all right, Cana. She's just exhausted." He turned to the other children who had not yet reacted. "Stay there, kids. We'll keep you informed as soon as we know more."_

_Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and went to the infirmary._

* * *

_Makarov sighed for the fiftieth time this day, unable to concentrate on reading the Council's letter on the desk in front of him. As soon as he began to read it, his thoughts immediately detached from the written words and wandered through the grueling memories of the past few days, which featured two of his precious children tearing each other apart. The punishment he had imposed on them had not only been a means of separating them so that they could calmly think about their actions, it was also intended to allow him to think about a solution before confronting them again. What saddened him the most was that he had found absolutely nothing. There were only two days left before they returned, and he was seriously starting to worry about not finding any solution until the punishment was over. _

_Second desperate sigh. To each option he found was added his heavy negative sides that he could not accept, forcing him to find another one that was never more applicable than the previous one. He had thus gone round in circles without ever finding a way out of this thorny labyrinth, deeply saddening him. _

_He was going to release a third sigh of frustration when the door of his office opened on the fly, and he had to hold back a jolt before looking up at the newcomer, whose horrified expression immediately transmitted to him an incomparable feeling of panic. He jumped up from his seat. "Wakaba! What's going on?!"_

_The young man did not answer immediately, trying to catch his breath, which had become erratic because of the terror haunting him. Makarov did not wait to get an answer to his question to rush to him, and Wakaba suddenly exclaimed, freezing the master on the spot. "I-I don't know exactly, but Gray's hurt! Macao just took him to the infirmary, but you have to come right away!"_

_The master did not have it said twice and threw himself on the door, closely followed by Wakaba. Without trying to repress his agitation, Makarov brutally opened the door of the infirmary and rushed inside. He did not wait to realize or see anyone or anything to thunder, "Macao!"_

_The latter turned around, and the old man was nailed there by his horrified expression. His gaze then fixed on the small shape lying on the bed, which he approached. He held back a hiccup of stupor as he noticed the blood covering its occupant. "H-How is he?!"_

_"I-I don't know. I started cleaning the dirt and blood but... I haven't detected any injuries yet."_

_"Go on," he ordered as calmly as he could, "I will now join Polyussica."_

_"O-Okay."_

_The master nodded and left, leaving the two men to take care of Gray. Wakaba then noticed Erza lying on the bed on the other side of the room and asked his friend who had continued his task, "Is she all right?"_

_"I think so. She's not hurt, but... she was in shock when I found her and she fainted from exhaustion when she came here."_

_He put aside another bloody compress before taking a clean one, repeating his gesture as he cleaned the blood from the ice mage's skin. The further he went in his task, the more his eyebrows frowned, no wound that it was ever altering the boy's body even after cleaning more than half of it. Noticing his troubled expression, Wakaba called him, "Macao? What's the matter?"_

_"Something's wrong. I don't see any wounds at the moment. Absolutely nothing justifies all this blood."_

_His friend wrinkled his forehead in turn and came to position himself next to him, carefully examining Gray's body. Something tilted in his mind, and it was in a slightly trembling voice that he asked, "Y-You think that..."_

_Macao's facial folds deepened further for any answer as he blotted out the last scarlet spot. He stared at Gray, his eyes wide open, before turning his head feverishly towards his friend. "This blood is not his."_

_It was Wakaba's turn to express his anguish, the same assumption that his friend materializing in his thoughts. He did not have time to verbalize it, the door of the infirmary opening again on Makarov. He was going to tell them that Polyussica was coming, but their faces deformed by terror shook him with anguish. "Have you discovered anything?"_

_"Y-Yes. Gray... has absolutely nothing."_

_"Nothing? But how-" The old man suddenly stopped, quickly coming to the same conclusion as them. A conclusion that almost completely broke his composure. "To whom...?"_

_"Impossible to be sure, but... this blood is definitely someone else's."_

_Makarov's fist clenched more and more tightly with each representation of this truth coming to his mind and suddenly asked, confirming to his interlocutors what had crossed his mind, "Where's Natsu?"_

_Expecting this question, Macao looked down at his sweaty hands. "We don't know. He was no longer at home when..." He kept quiet for a moment while continuing to stare at the ground. He refused with all his being the horrible assumption that seemed to be confirmed second after second, then suddenly declared in a voice betraying his unease. "Master, do you think Gray could have..."_

_Makarov did not answer. Macao's question nibbled at him to the point of disgust, and he focused his attention on Gray, whom he contemplated with sorrow. His face now free of all traces of dirt and hemoglobin seemed all the more serene, and his visibly peaceful sleep reassured him a little bit, although it did not ease the fear that Macao's assumption had generated. "I don't know, Macao. But if that's the case..." His gaze fell on Erza this time, his sadness intensifying even more. The image of Gray beating Natsu up to the point of covering him with his blood under the eyes of a terrified Erza was too painful to bear and he changed the subject. "All we can do right now is wait for them to wake up. In the meantime, tell me everything you know."_

_The two men nodded weakly and all three sat at Gray and Erza's bedside. They told him everything they knew, one ending the other's sentence to take over as soon as the shared memory became too painful to tell. _

_Erza's request to let her accompany them to bring Natsu and Gray's meal, the discovery of Gray's escape and the assumptions they had made, Erza's decision to leave by herself to Natsu's house, the way she had managed to outrun Macao... everything was detailed. The fire mage ended the explanations with what he himself had discovered in Natsu's house until he found Gray and Erza in the forest. _

_Makarov listened to them without interrupting, frowning or nodding from time to time and stood up once they were done. "Good. There's no point in looking for Natsu blindly for now, if Gray really went after him Erza should know that. She really didn't tell you anything about what happened?"_

_"No, she really looked shocked, she didn't say a word. So I didn't take it any further and just brought them both back here."_

_"It was probably the best thing to do. She'll probably tell us more after she's rested. She really needs it." The two men agreed, more than aware of the exhausting nature of what Erza seemed to have experienced. To have exhausted the sturdy little girl she was to the point of fainting, the psychological shock she had obviously suffered must have been extreme and she needed to rest her mind more than anything. The fact that she was physically unharmed was not the only factor to be taken into account in measuring the severity of her condition."Since they are not injured, they should not take long to regain consciousness, let them rest for now. Let me know as soon as one of them wakes up. I'll let the others know what's going on."_

_Makarov came out as soon as their positive answer was given to him, but instead of going down into the hall as he had said, he leaned against the door with a sigh of defeat, letting his true emotions take hold of him for a moment as he stared at the void in front of him._

_He had left room for doubt so as not to overwhelm them too much, but he really had none at all, Erza was the living proof of this certainty. The blood found on Gray belonged to Natsu._

_This truth was as irrefutable as it was appalling, and Makarov found himself helpless as never before. The memory of the punishment to which he had subjected them redoubled his uneasiness and sense of failure. He could not deny that his decision had been the anchor point for this disaster. Isolating him had exacerbated Gray's pain to such an extent that it had forced him to dump it on someone else, and Natsu had been the perfect target to receive it. To disturb Erza so much, their confrontation must have been unimaginably violent and he could only blame himself for making the stupid decision to punish them in this way. He had been too blind to realize the absolute error he was making and the consequences that total isolation would have on Gray. He had stupidly let himself be convinced by his behavior, which had made him believe that the guild was not indispensable to him and that it was on the contrary an obstacle to his recovery. He had thought that being alone for a few days might make him realize that he needed their help, but the truth was that Gray already needed them and their presence was already easing his pain, keeping him from cracking as he obviously had finally done. _

_As for Natsu, he had never really intended to punish him because he knew he had done nothing really wrong, but he did not want to offer him preferential treatment even if it was totally unfair. From what he had been told, Natsu had simply gone to talk to him without the slightest animosity but his attempt was greeted by Gray with a casual attitude that had turned violent. He had not assumed for a second that Natsu would think that what he had done was wrong by punishing him at the same time as the ice mage. Or rather, he had locked up this truth to be able to remain impartial when he knew full well that he had not experienced less painful things than Gray. Natsu hadn't told him openly and he didn't know the details, but how could it be otherwise when he found him alone in the middle of nowhere, and his first reaction when he had seen him was to burst into tears?_

_It was him and his stupid decisions that led them to this disaster. He had failed in his role as a guide and mentor to those for whom he was responsible._

_He had naively clung to the hope that the two boys would eventually understand each other at some point and had just passively watched them, but the truth was that he had simply let things get out of hand. They were now so close to the point of no return that his failure as the spiritual father of these two children would soon become indisputable. _

_As a guild master it was his duty to remain calm and objective in all circumstances, but this role had become increasingly difficult to play as the situation between Natsu and Gray had worsened. His sense of helplessness had gradually eroded his confidence, and he now owed nothing more than his iron will not to have let go. His kids needed him and he couldn't fail now, but he felt more and more useless. _

_He realized that he had probably been too lenient and had underestimated the seriousness of Gray's suffering and what they would be able to push him to do, but it was now too late. He should have explained to Gray a long time ago what he knew about Natsu, so little did he really know, to help him better understand and accept him, but he had waited too long to take the necessary action and the situation had then gone out of his control. He no longer had any power over it and no way to get it back. _

_It was the first time he was so desperate that he didn't know what to do. He had never felt so close to total failure._

_He closed his eyes as his shoulders collapsed, suddenly becoming too frail to carry the weight of his responsibility, and he focused on his own breathing to keep himself from cracking under the pressure. Thus bent and slumped against the door, Fairy Tail's old master seemed to have taken another fifty years of age. His hand traced its way to his forehead, which he had lowered under the affliction and guilt gnawing at him, cursing his incompetence. _

**_God... What have I done?_**

_His question remained unresolved, painfully clashing with his regrets and sense of helplessness. If he hadn't been so stupid and incapable, they would never have gotten there; Gray would not have sunk so deeply into his pain and Natsu would not have suffered the consequences. Two of his precious children would not be unconscious in the infirmary while the third was alone outside. He could not be sure of Natsu's current condition but judging by the amount of blood Gray had been covered with, he was at best seriously injured. Imagining him alone in the middle of the forest in such a state crushed his heart with anxiety._

_If it were up to him, he would have already rushed to find him, but he was responsible for Gray and Erza as much as Natsu, he couldn't leave his children here and let them fend for themselves with their own torments. Anyway he would need everyone's help to find their missing friend and he didn't know where to start looking. Erza and Gray could probably provide them with the necessary information, he could only wait until they woke up and hope that Natsu would hold on until they arrived._

_He still felt as bad as ever, but he knew that moping around like this would do no good to anyone, including himself, so he tried to keep his mind clear. He sealed his emotions behind a false confidence and went down the stairs, fearing the reaction of the children waiting in the hall when he would tell them what he knew._

_As soon as he appeared from the darkness of the second floor, a crowd of panicked children rushed towards him, stopping him from the moment he descended the last step. _

_"Are Gray and Erza okay?!"_

_"What happened?!"_

_The master cut them off with a wave of his hand and they shut up, waiting for his explanations with concern. "They're fine, kids." The relief agitating the compact mass formed by his interlocutors slightly squeezed his heart, for he knew it would disappear when he told the rest, even if he did not intend to go into details. "None of them are injured and they should wake up soon. But..." The dark air of their master dissipated their enthusiasm and they waited for the next step, their hearts beating. "Natsu is missing."_

_The ten pairs of eyes staring at him widened disproportionately and Makarov knew that the moment of celebration was over and that the hearts of all his children would now be plunged into constant anguish that would probably only be eased when Natsu was back among them. _

_"W-What do you mean, **missing**?"_

_Lisanna's weak and frightened little voice pinched the master's heart, who preferred not to go into details that could be traumatic for them. "I don't know exactly what's happened so far, but Erza and Gray should know more. All I can tell you is that he's out there somewhere and we'll need everyone's help to find him."_

_The guild hall then roared with a hubbub of determined exclamations and roars that warmed Makarov's heart deeply. This was how he had always wished Fairy Tail to be: a haven of love, friendship and fraternity, a place of joy, a home for those kids who had nothing. A family that Natsu was and would always be part of. _

_Their companion had gone astray, but they would bring him home safe and sound, even if it meant searching for him to the ends of the world._

* * *

_**Hop, a good thing done! This chapter is still more relaxing than the previous one, huh? :p. Unfortunately, it's only a moment of temporary calm (or fortunately for some, including me, who like to see the characters suffer mwhahaha). **_

_**The conversation between Lucy and Erza now extends to the whole guild and I hope you enjoyed knowing a little bit about what the other guild members think. Even if of course I couldn't dwell on everyone's individual feelings, there are far too many people. So I made a general description of them, separating those who know everything (or almost everything) and those who know nothing (so all new guild members) about what happened. **_

_**I purposely pushed Jubia's case a little bit because I don't like her. Yes, it's not very logical to say it like that, but as I hate the way she interacts with Gray, she harasses him by thinking he's perfect when in all logic he's not. It is limiting for him to be elevated to this rank of perfection, it's as if she did not accept his faults and therefore decided to ignore them. So I wanted to express my point of view through her and above all to make her finally realize that Gray is not perfect and that she must accept him with his faults. **_

_**Actually I would have liked to talk about other characters but it would have been really complicated, and not very fluid in the story too, to make one paragraph per character present. Even in the past in the end I speak very little about the other characters individually, focusing on the general feeling. I hope you don't mind too much. **_

_**Sorry if you were hoping to see Natsu in this chapter anyway, but don't worry it's just a postponement:). We need a little quiet time from time to time. But don't rest too much, it won't last long: p.**_

_**Well, see you soon for the next chapter, I will try to publish it on time. Actually if I only had to publish it in French, I wouldn't have any problem with that, but the problem is that the chapters are not yet translated into English and I refuse not to release both versions at the same time. **_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	10. Break the ice

_**Pouet !**_

_**Sorry for the big delay, I was extremely busy with my main story on which I made a lot of progress. I publish the chapter a little hastily because my internet line may be down for a while from tomorrow and I could not publish during that time. It should only last a few days, maybe a week, but I prefer to warn you. **_

_**I wish you a good reading.**_

**JKD:** _Thank you again for your support! You're right to be nervous, this chapter is already emotional but not as much as the next. I'm really **really **eager to publish it and to know what you'll think of it ;). Anyway I hope you'll enjoy this one too!_

**fairiesdevotion:** _Thank you for reviewing! Like I said to JKD, the previous chapter is nothing compared with what will happen next, I'm so excited to publish the 11th! But let's read the 10th first :p. _

* * *

**Chapter 10: Break the ice**

_She was running so fast that the forest scenery around her seemed to stretch endlessly in a cumulus of green, brown and grey. Her legs were heavy, her lungs exhausted, all her muscles painfully stretched under the terror enveloping her completely, but she kept running, desperate to find what she had so suddenly lost. The rain pouring down from the sky soaked her to the bone, giving her exhausted body a succession of icy chills that even the sweat and stifling heat radiating through her could not warm up. _

_Yet she was so hot, she had the feeling that her whole body was on fire, her head was spinning and roaring as if it was being beaten with a hammer, but the cold was still reaching her with the same force. The burning flames generated by the considerable effort she was making to continue her frantic run were mixed with those created by the adrenaline flowing through her veins, while the fear froze her from the inside. This fluctuation in her internal temperature pulled her whole being from one contradiction to another, but she did not let it destabilize her and never slowed the pace of her strides._

_She stopped suddenly, a black spot in the distance attracting her attention. She squinted to allow her eyes to pierce the mist floating in the air, and the contours she could see became clearer and took the form of a humanoid silhouette spread out on the ground a few meters from her, between two trunks. Panic invaded her and she rushed forward, fear in her stomach. She refused to confirm the assumption devouring her mind until the last second, until she could no longer deny the evidence._

_The silhouette she saw was definitely that of a child. Tears burst as she approached it, realizing with horror that her fear was becoming more and more real and credible._

**_No, no, no, no, no, no!_**

_She knelt down in front of the inert body lying on its back in the mud and blood, screaming. She hastily placed both her hands on his shoulders and shook him, the tears that were bursting from her eyes splashing across his dreadfully pale and inanimate face. His soaked hair was sticking to his skin and partially hiding his closed eyelids, the drops of water cried by the sky were crushing on his face one by one, diluting the blood gnawing at him to spread it over his entire surface and slide down into his neck. He remained inert despite the tremors she inflicted on him, and her heart exploded with terror._

_"Please, wake up!"_

_The boy's lack of reaction and the total inactivity of his chest urged her to lift his chest by sliding an arm behind his shoulders, straightening him up just enough to be able to stick with a panicked eagerness her ear against his heart. Her friend's head swung back heavily during her act, and as she waited for the saving sound of a heartbeat, hers broke. _

_The silence was absolute._

_The tears turned into a torrent of salt water and her whole body began to tremble as she straightened up, shaking her with terrible convulsions that effected the inanimate corpse huddled in her arms._

_"N-No, please! You can't… you can't…"_

_Sobs accompanied all the other testimonies of her distress as she watched the boy's immutably extinguished expression, and shouted her immense sorrow as she bent in pain, her forehead bending down to touch his as she clenched his bloody corpse's head strongly against her chest._

_She cried, cried and cried for an infinite number of minutes, refusing to let him go, to accept reality, to leave him permanently in the hands of death and to return him to the earth. Her throat started to burn from screaming too much and her lungs became exhausted, slightly blunting her screams against her will, but her tears remained as strong and her body tremors as violent as ever. She sniffed an umpteenth time between two muffled sobs, and whispered in a hiccup of infinite sorrow. "N-Natsu..."_

_Erza closed her eyelids tightly as the affliction returned to its maximum power, and her crushed heart burst out for good. She realized, finally... that he had definitely died out and would never wake up again._

_Her arms tightened one last time around the small lifeless body huddled against her in a final gesture of despair, and self-slaughtered, **"NATSU!"**_

_Something imploded in her and she jolted, dripping with sweat, her heart crushed and her sight blurred with tears. She panted and suffocated with a frantic succession of strangled inhalations, choking in her own breath at each of them, forgetting everything around her and the noticeable change in her situation. The weight she suddenly felt on her shoulders made her jump and she instinctively struggled against the pressure on her body, screaming and shaking with a frenzy only due to the despair that fate had thrown at her._

_"N-No! Give him back to me! Give him back!"_

_She continued to scream and beg for her dead friend to be brought back to her as if she was addressing death itself. Although it was minor, she only calmed down when the thing touching her broke all contact. Then all the frenzy suddenly left her. A warm vice had just wrapped her with such unexpected softness that she instantly froze, even her tears seemed to pause and the time to stop. _

_Before she even realized what she was doing, she threw herself on this improbable source of comfort and cried even more. Her hands grabbed something silky that she refused to let go and she then felt the vice gently close around her shoulders and back, tenderly burying her head against this so reassuring surface. _

_She did not know how long she stood there crying, but at no time did the heat embalming her leave, gradually warming her heart and body frozen in fear and distress. _

_"It's all right, Erza. It's all right."_

_The proximity of the voice and its sudden emergence almost made her jump, violently banging her mind to force her to rebuild herself. She finally opened her eyes as the remains of the horrible vision of her friend's bloody corpse vanished, anaesthetizing her emotions until they were nothing more than distant, almost painless cracklings taking refuge in her bowels. Her confusion turned to awareness, and she finally recognized the voice trying to reach her._

_"M-Master?"_

_Her voice was hoarse and she almost choked on her own words, but it seemed that what was enclosing her had understood because he slowly broke the embrace. She looked up, and her eyes immediately met the face wrinkled by worry and grief of the old guild master. He was relieved to realize that the confusion had left her eyes, although the obvious distress still consuming them held his heart tight. His hands found their way to her shoulders and he tried a smile that he wanted to be reassuring._

_"It's all right, Erza." he repeated. "It was just a nightmare."_

_Erza parted completely from him to lean against the backrest of the bed on which she was sitting, and stammered, full of hope._

_"A nightmare? So…"_

**_Natsu is still alive?_**

_The mere thought of his name loosened the intermingling of memories that had brought her to the present moment and she threw herself out of the sheets. She had to find him, right away, before her dream became the atrocious reality._

_"N-Natsu! We must find him now!"_

_Unfortunately, her exhausted body did not allow her to take more than one step and she would have collapsed to the ground if Makarov had not stopped her from falling. She immediately tried to get up and detach herself from the master's grip, but her body could only tremble miserably at this request for solicitation. She struggled against her rebellious muscles but they only responded with sharp spikes of pain that she ignored as best she could. Realizing that she could do nothing, she imagined what this inability to move would mean for Natsu and her panic grew exponentially. Her panting came back at the same time as her heart squeezed again and again until it was about to break, and her hand covered the palpitating organ, begging it to calm down and stop this torture. _

_Her throat became tight, barricading her airways to which her lungs suddenly had no access and her whole body begged for a little air, which it unfortunately could not get. Her head turned, her ears buzzed, her lungs burned, but she never managed to satisfy the terrified pleas of her organs suddenly deprived of oxygen. Every vital need could no longer be sustained and she felt her spirit atrophying._

_Makarov instantly understood what was happening as soon as he saw her suffocating in his arms. Erza was subjected to the hyperventilation of an acute panic attack that would probably suffocate her if he did nothing. He tried to remain calm despite his anguish, knowing full well that the slightest emanation of hesitation and instability would worsen the condition of the little girl who needed a solid pillar to lean on to overcome the crisis. He had to be that pillar._

_He sat her down on the bed as gently as possible, repressing the anguished tremors of his own muscles, and laid a hand on the one she was pressing against her sharply pricked heart to squeeze it into his own. He gently attracted it to his own heart and regulated its beats, forcing each pulse to empty itself of any trace of agitation. _

_"Erza, I'm here. Can you hear me?" The relief was extreme when she nodded positively and he continued, "Focus on my voice. Focus on my heartbeat. Breathe."_

_Erza's shoulders collapsed slightly, informing him that his voice and words were gradually passing through her panic shell. He was relieved when she was able to breathe again, even though her breath remained inhumanly fast. "That's good, Erza. Keep going." He forced himself to take deep breaths and then exhale slowly, urging the little girl to do the same. "Here, breathe at the same time as me. Breathe in... breathe out... that's it, that's perfect. Breathe in..."_

_Gradually Erza's tremors subsided and her breathing, although laborious, became more regular. Makarov detached her hand from his chest without letting go of it, and squeezed it tenderly into his own after resting it against her knees. He waited until he was sure that the crisis had indeed passed before breaking contact and leaving to fill a glass of water that he handed her. "Here."_

_He sat next to her as she clumsily grabbed the glass, which she feverishly carried to her lips, her mind still groggy from what her body had just experienced. "Are you feeling better?" Erza simply nodded, not trusting her voice to say a single coherent word. "Well, get some rest for a while. Do you want me to give you a few minutes?"_

_Erza shook her head hastily, her features suddenly stretched with terror at the thought of being alone. Makarov quickly reassured her, "Hey, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere if that's what you want. I'll stay here as long as you wish me to."_

_"M-Master..." The master was surprised to see her succeed in speaking so soon after her crisis, and the discomfort with which she had called him informed him of what she was going to say, overwhelming him with apprehension about what he was about to learn. "N-Natsu... H-He... Gray..."_

_Her voice broke without being able to say anything else, but despite the inconsistency of these three words, the master understood what they meant. His most pessimistic assumptions proved to be correct and he could not hold his heart from tightening. He desperately wanted to know more, but he did not rush the little girl and whispered as calmly as possible, "Take your time."_

_She took a long and powerful breath to calm down and tried again to explain. "N-Natsu is gone", she finally managed to say, "G-Gray has... He has..." She had to stop again to calm her emotions, which she felt agitated at the mere mention of the horror she had witnessed. "He beat him up, said things... N-Natsu ran away, I tried to catch him and... and-"_

_"It's okay, Erza. No need to say more." The little girl kept quiet with undisguised relief, although the images telling of this traumatic event were raging in her head. Soon her lips began to tremble but she forced them to remain closed, preventing them from releasing the slightest sob, for want of the tears that soon appeared. Makarov's features softened, the pain and compassion written on every fold of his face. "Don't worry, we'll find him."_

_This time a sob broke through the barrier she had forced her lips to maintain, followed by a dozen others, each more heartbreaking than the next. Makarov tenderly laid a hand on her back and caressed it tenderly as a comfort, silent._

_He took advantage of this moment to free himself from his own grief, forcing himself to focus on what he had to do now. Even though Erza had not yet told him all the details, knowing that Natsu had run away of his own free will only made it more difficult to find him, because he would probably do anything to avoid being found. Despite this, he doubted that Natsu really wanted to leave. It was more likely that Gray would have forced him._

_Anger tried to pierce a rift in his coolness, but he repressed it, knowing full well that it was not by bombarding him with his fury that he would be able to reach Gray's heart. _

_A long and arduous discussion would be necessary as soon as he woke up, and he would not make the mistake of letting him ignore him and push him away to escape his anger. He would not leave him any escape._

_"W-What are we going to do?"_

_He was taken out of his thoughts, which had been so intense and overwhelming that he had not noticed that Erza had already stopped crying. "Do you have any idea where he might have gone?" Erza shook her head sadly to the negative, disgusted that she could not be more useful. Makarov held back a disappointed sigh, careful not to push his daughter's heart deeper into her guilt and said, "It's only been a few hours since he left, he can't be very far from Magnolia, probably somewhere on its edge." _

_"What if..." The old man knew that she had not listened to a word he had just said, her abrupt intervention having obviously been only the manifestation of a question she had ruminated on during his explanations. The little redhead's hands folded fiercely over the glass they were still holding, shaking the water inside. "What if we're too late?"_

_He opened his mouth to answer but quickly noticed that his tongue was dried out of any word to say and closed it again. What could he have said? He could not assure her that Natsu was safe and would remain so, because if his injuries were as serious as he thought they were, he might not survive them. He would have wanted to give her hope, to tell her that they would find him and bring him home alive, but he knew full well that it would be pointless. She was perfectly aware, having seen for herself the state Natsu was in, that the risk of his death was present. Telling her otherwise was useless. _

_Anxiety could no longer be removed from his expression, and he hastened to ask before Erza noticed it, fleeing the question she had just asked. "Do you have any idea about the extent and severity of his injuries?"_

_"I-I'm not sure... he has broken ribs, cuts everywhere and he was stabbed in the shoulder, that's all I know..." The master retained an exclamation to this probably non-exhaustive list of the abuses inflicted on Natsu, preferring not to give Erza another reason to close herself further in the pain of these memories. What she then stammered only exacerbated his grief and anguish, "H-He... He could barely stand up, Master... I-It was..."_

_Makarov looked down, deeply affected by Erza's fear. He could only imagine what this experience must have been like when he was already nauseous only thinking of it. She was just a child, and even if she was already strong, her heart could not overcome such a trauma at her age. If he could barely do it himself, he didn't dare think about how she might feel. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Erza."_

_He was not sure that she had listened to him because she did not react to his compassion, her mind obviously elsewhere. The little redhead stared at her hands, lost in her thoughts. Her pupils became wet again, giving him a more or less precise idea of what was cluttering her mind. She sniffed briefly and whispered in a fragile voice containing all her sorrow, "I-I want him back…"_

_The old man wrinkled his forehead and eyes with sadness, aware of her immeasurable affection for the two boys and the pain she felt seeing them slit each other throat like that when she loved them so much. It was impossible for her to choose a side, because even if she wanted to save Gray from his darkness, she loved Natsu just as much. She could not bring herself to abandon one to the other, leaving her in the middle of their war without being able to intervene. Each fist they shot at the other was a stabbing in Erza's heart and if they continued like that, they would end up cracking it severely. Her recent panic attack was formal proof that this process had already begun and that she would soon no longer be able to cope with all this stress. All this had to stop before it was too late. _

_She probably dreamt of a situation where the three of them were having fun and laughing, and every time this dream walked away from her, her despair approached its peak. He would do anything to make this dream a reality. Seeing this strong and courageous little girl so fragile was breaking his heart._

_The first step was to clear Gray's mind and find Natsu. Erza wanted more than anything his two friends back, he would do everything possible to satisfy this desire. "We'll do everything we can to help, I promise. I'm already sending some research groups, you can join them as soon as you feel better."_

_"I-I want to-"_

_"No, Erza. Your body has suffered many traumas in a very short period of time, you must rest. I know it's hard, but there's nothing you can do in your condition. Please, don't do anything reckless. I don't want anyone to get hurt again."_

_His arguments removed any willingness to protest and she looked down again, defeated. She was unable to refuse his request when his voice had sounded so unusually begging. She had realized that behind appearances, their father of heart was no less affected by the situation than they were, so she accepted without further resistance. "Fine."_

_"I promise I'll keep you informed. I'm going to stay here myself for now, I have to talk to Gray when he wakes up."_

_The sudden evocation of the ice mage took her by surprise and she froze suddenly as a few disjointed images flashed in her mind. A multitude of contradictory emotions collided, mixing with each other to such an extent that it became almost impossible to identify them and she no longer knew which of them she had to rely on. Resentment, fear, anger, sadness, despair... which of her emotions did she really feel? Which one should she trust? Which one should she let take over? She found no answer there but made a decision anyway. Despite the devouring resentment she was feeling right now for Gray, she couldn't help but ask, hesitant, "How... how is he?"_

_Makarov easily detected the hesitation that had embraced her, aware of what her heart was inflicting on her, torn between resentment and anxiety. She wanted to curse him for what he had done, but did not want him to suffer, confronting her with a dilemma almost impossible to untie. She wanted both to know how he was doing and to ignore him completely. Still he was happy to hear her take news of the ice mage and he replied, "Physically he has nothing. Mentally... I can't be sure. There's a risk that he won't remember anything, if he fainted like that I guess he wasn't in his normal state when he attacked Natsu. In any case, he may be very unstable when he wakes up, so I took my precautions to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone, others or himself."_

_"Will he... will he go back to the way he was before?"_

_"What has happened recently has disturbed him enormously, we cannot exclude the possibility that his mind has kept irreversible after-effects. I'm sorry."_

_The grudge left her expression for a moment, and she whispered again with tears in her eyes. "I-I want him back too..."_

_Once again the guild master contemplated her with sorrow and compassion, his old heart tightening even more. "I know, Erza."_

_"W-Why did it happen like that...? I-I just... I just want to be with them. I want my friends back…"_

_Makarov leaned towards her and wrapped her hand again in his own as a comfort, its sweatiness and slight tremors intensifying his emotions already stung by the extreme fragility she had never ceased to show through her words and expressions. "There must be a solution somewhere, Erza. We'll find it together, so don't give up." She nodded timidly, and Makarov tried to comfort her with a tender smile before lovingly ruffling her hair. "Now go get some rest."_

_A vertical nod was his only answer and he helped her lie down before covering her with sheets. The little girl's eyes did not leave his own, and unable to face the loneliness, she asked weakly, "Can you... can you stay with me?"_

_"Of course."_

_She did not look away immediately, hypnotized by Makarov's eyes who was still watching her benevolently, and suddenly threw herself around his neck to shed her tears, sniffing loudly before stammering her immense gratitude, "T-Thank you... Without you... without you I..."_

_The surprise that her sudden act caused him did not last long and he in turn embraced her, willingly welcoming all the emotions she expressed to him without the slightest modesty. Slipping a hand affectionately through her hair to snuggle her head against his chest, he closed his eyes while gently tightening his embrace. Her heart pulsating against his own, her frail shoulders and small trembling body in his arms overwhelmed him with an intense feeling of injustice, and he could not hold back a tear from flowing._

* * *

His emotions were still too agitated by the few words he had just exchanged with Lucy and Erza before leaving the guild, so Gray had preferred to take the time to clean his heart and mind by wandering through the city rather than going straight to his destination. He was walking slowly, his hands nonchalantly stuffed in his pockets in a relaxed attitude even if it was unfortunately only in appearance. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't even pay attention to the directions he was taking, to the point of passing through the same place several times without realizing it.

He did not want to show up in this state of obvious nervousness and fatigue that his host would notice without any effort. Even if he knew that today was a special day when he was going to be exceptionally spared any mocking remarks from his rival, he could not resolve to show himself so emotionally exhausted and unstable. Natsu was not carefree enough not to notice the dark circles proving his lack of sleep. Even though the Dragon Slayer used to see him like that every year to this day, he always hated the worried expression then materializing on his features, inevitably making him feel guilty every time. He would not be able to bear to see it deepen further if he appeared before him even more nervous and disturbed than usual. He did not like to see him worry about him so spontaneously and without the usual modesty characterizing their rivalry relationship when he was himself made vulnerable by what this time of year meant to him. Not to mention that, since he could not dispel the uneasiness of this situation with a remark or an insult as they had always done, he was forced to face it head-on without any way to flee.

He sighed sharply, and the veil of emotional wandering sealing his sight and consciousness dissipated as he inquired about where he was for the first time since the beginning of his short walk. His legs had carried him automatically all along his walk, so he was not surprised to see that they had brought him just behind his rival's house, into the small forest bordering it. He observed the surroundings, and a sharp spike of pain pierced his heart and the guilt turned his stomach when his eyes caught a small glade of shaved grass that he knew more than well.

The image of him venting on an innocent child flashed before his eyes and he clenched his teeth with anger and disgust. He felt as if he saw his victim crashing flat on his stomach and raising his head in trembling, his wet eyes looking at him with pain and misunderstanding, the distress distorting the expression of his face gnawed by desolation and exhaustion. He could almost feel the smell of his blood, sweat and tears seep into his nostrils.

The illusory image eventually dissipated, but the emotions it had aroused did not leave him and he remained motionless staring at the place where it had disappeared. This memory was all the more haunting now that he knew how much Natsu was already suffering before he came to beat him up for no reason. He should have noticed how exhausted and hurt he already was because of the loneliness that the master's punishment was making him face, but he had been blinded by his rage and had not wanted to see anything.

He had really been a monster.

He closed his eyes to calm his panic-stricken heart, repeating over and over again that those days were over, but he could not prevent his mind from wandering in the memories which had followed those permeating that particular place, in all their insanity and monstrosity. He tried to avoid the bloodiest part of these events so as not to drown in them, clinging to the present moment like a buoy. By a miracle the images were violently repelled by the force of his will. They only touched the surface of his mind without reaching it, but the memory associated with it was there.

What was almost worse than hitting and humiliating his rival was the feeling of victory, euphoria and justice that had embraced him at the very moment Natsu turned around to escape. He had felt this incredible feeling of having accomplished something good, of being a savior, a benefactor, when he had only shed blood and tears, mercilessly beat up the innocence and goodness personified. Although he regretted the way he had done it, he had thought that he would be welcomed as a hero for chasing evil, being congratulated and thanked, acclaimed, for what had actually been an abominable bloodbath. Even after he woke up in the guild infirmary, this feeling had not left him, he had not even been aware of the atrocity of his actions.

He had come down to earth with a bang when he realized that the guild did not share this feeling and that they hated him instead of idolizing him.

And in his hideous insanity, he hadn't even understood why.

He would always remember how he had felt when Makarov had explained it to him, when he had realized how repulsive he was. That he was not a hero but a monster.

The words that had been spoken that day would remain forever etched in his memory.

* * *

_The first thing he realized was the numbness of all his muscles. His whole body seemed to be transformed into a jelly, no more sensitive to cold than to heat, and his waking mind was empty of any thoughts. A soft and warm sensation finally broke through his atony shell to caress his back, neck and chest, and he felt so good that he only had to the regular sound of a breathing presence next to him not to have already returned to the comfortable cocoon of sleep. _

_His feeling of comfort was blunted by an unpleasant pressure that he then felt against his wrists. His discomfort was transmitted to the features of his face, which tightened and contracted at the same time as the muscles of his arms that he could not move. This fact spread anguish throughout his body and he opened his eyelids, which seemed terribly heavy to him, imposing an unwelcome slowness on them. The colors appeared to him one by one as he raised them, gradually awakening his sleepy consciousness. His eyes eventually got used to the ambient light despite the time spent in the darkness of sleep, and he was finally able to find out where he was._

_He guessed the soft sensation he had felt when he woke up was that of the sheets wrapped around him, and that he was lying in a bed. He recognized the ceiling of the infirmary and the smell of clean and disinfectant confirmed his situation, bringing sharp memories to the surface. He wanted to get up, but this attempt was repressed by what seemed to block the movements of his arms, and he looked down, surprised by this strange restriction._

_It immediately found its explanation when he inevitably fell on the leather straps holding his wrists against the mattress, and he instinctively pulled on his shackles, panic beginning to take root. Unfortunately, they did not give in, forcing him to abandon any idea of getting rid of them, leaving him pounding. If he was in the guild, why was he tied up?_

_He stood still for a moment, his mind running at full speed to find an explanation for this improbable treatment, but found none. The misunderstanding was total._

_He turned his head gently to look around, and his confusion was only more intense when he saw Makarov sitting in a chair at his bedside, focused on a book that he seemed to be reading with satisfaction._

_"J-Jii-san?"_

_The master immediately lifted his nose from the book to look at him, and closed it with a sudden gesture before declaring, "Ah, you're awake."_

_The tone of his voice was so cold that Gray shivered, redoubling his misunderstanding. He shifted uncomfortably, increasing the pressure of the straps against his wrists. "J-Jii-san, why am I..."_

_"I wasn't sure how you'd wake up, so I decided to take this precaution."_

_"B-But…" Makarov's glacial gaze on him instantly silenced him, and he swallowed with difficulty. His confusion reached a new stage, the old man's severe expression completely destabilizing him. "Jii-san, are you... are you angry?"_

_"I'm not angry, Gray. I'm furious."_

_The boy stared at him without understanding, seriously beginning to worry about what had caused him to resent him. He had freed the guild from Natsu's influence, had managed to get rid of it for good, he would never hurt anyone again. Then why was he reaping anger instead of gratitude? _

_"I-I don't understand... What did I do, Jii-san?"_

_The master frowned, adding to his already lasting expression a note of disappointment and bitterness. "You really don't know?" Gray did not dare to verbalize his answer and simply shook his head in the negative, his throat tied by the fierce eyes glaring at him. "Does it ring a bell if I tell you Natsu can't be found?"_

_Realization then struck him, retaking the few clues gathered since the beginning of the conversation to reconstruct a very clear and sudden whole, even if he did not understand that the master could be angry because of it. Yet he had liberated the guild from an enemy, he had saved it from an evil being, shouldn't he be congratulated for this feat? "Is that... is that why you're angry? But why? The guild is saved now, right?"_

_Makarov's expression was nimbed with such a surprise that it easily surpassed the anger and admonition it was carrying. Gray concluded that he did not know what Natsu had tried to do to the guild and that he was not aware of the evil that the other boy had hidden behind his exemplary behavior. It was even more certain when the master asked, the unbelief permeating every syllable of his words. "Saved? What are you talking about?"_

_"W-Well... he won't be able to hurt anyone if he's gone... I managed to get rid of him, so we're safe now, right?"_

_The master's eyes wavered from a mixture of bewilderment and horror, and Gray understood his behavior even less. The old man lowered his head to put his forehead against his palm, visibly horrified and desperate. "Damn it, Gray... What did you do...?"_

_"I-I don't understand... Did I do something wrong?"_

_Makarov's fist clenched as he raised his head, the folds of his face contracted by a grief and demoralization that Gray did not know what to put on it. The boy nodded with perplexity, awaiting with tension the answer to his question, which came quickly when the master blew into an almost inaudible murmur, "You can't seriously ask that... You really don't realize what you've done?"_

_"B-But I just... I just protected the guild..."_

_Gray then realized how much the master had held back from exploding with fury since the beginning of their conversation, for his features twisted into a grimace as indescribable as it was ferocious, just like his voice when he thundered, "Seriously, who do you think Natsu is?! He didn't deserve that! You'd know that if you'd tried to see beyond the tip of your nose, Gray! What you did is unacceptable!"_

_These accusations did not have the expected effects because instead of shriveling him up and submitting him to the consideration of his actions, he brought up all the rage and hatred he had always had for this despicable and repulsive boy. He would have jumped up if his arms had not been obstructed when he shouted, "It was for you that I did it, Jii-san, he was trying to manipulate you! He was laughing at me, at everyone! He made it look like he was our friend, but he was lying! Why doesn't anyone notice?! He wanted to make fun of other people's suffering with his perfect little life, and now he knows what it feels like!"_

_A sharp pain on his cheek interrupted him abruptly and his unsuccessful attempt to put a hand on it reminded him that he was still strapped to his bed. His surprise could only be expressed through his wide eyes, and he contemplated with forced immobility the cause of this sudden pain. Makarov had slapped him. "Enough. Now you're going to listen to me." He opened his lips but quickly realized that he had nothing to say. He stared at his master with dismay, troubled by his wet eyes, a testimony to a sadness that was incomprehensible to him. "What do you know about his life, huh? What makes you think it's perfect? Just give me one thing you know about it."_

_His eyes widened even more at his request and all the adrenaline that his previous outburst of rage had caused to rise fell sharply. His lips opened and then closed. He realized... that he knew absolutely nothing about it. He didn't even know why he had never asked himself the question, but when he thought about it, his unsuspected ignorance didn't seem to him to be a problem, remembering all the smiles Natsu had shown in the face of his suffering. "See?" Makarov continued with a satisfaction Gray did not like. "You don't know anything. You never asked about it. Why?"_

_"No need to. He smiles all the time, he doesn't know what it feels like to be in pain."_

_"You're wrong."_

_Gray's expression was divided between anger and astonishment at this statement that the master's voice was trying to make undeniable. He didn't believe a word of it, he didn't want to believe it, and yet the doubt had irrepressibly crept into his heart. The assumption that the master's words could be true made him nauseous, and he felt both selfish and confident, totally destabilizing him. _

_"Why do you think I brought him here, Gray? Have you even asked yourself that question?"_

_"I-I…"_

_His mind had become so mired in a jumble of contradictions that he was mute and unable to think properly. A host of unrelated emotions clattered mercilessly, and he was suddenly terrified by everything Makarov's words could mean. The latter observed him attentively, and as no answer came out of his mouth he continued,_ "_I found him alone in a cave in the middle of nowhere, he probably hadn't eaten in days. I don't know the details and I don't know why he was there or what happened to him, but he had no one to take care of him. He had no friends or family, so I took him in."_

_Gray's heart was pounding, this information was jostling in his head, which was spinning and roaring so much that it disintegrated any thought that might try to reach him. All logical thinking withered away in contact with the muddy magma of confusion his mind had become. Only the haunting and disorganized images of everything that had happened between him and Natsu reached his surface, although he was unable to analyze them. They slipped on his emotions without really reaching them, but his eyes were still wet when Makarov continued, "I don't know any more than you why he only expresses joy in all circumstances and I admit that it's destabilizing, but it's certainly not to make fun of you or hurt you. Natsu probably understands you better than anyone, he knows what pain and loneliness is, Gray. The guild was all he had, and now he's all alone out there."_

_Realizing before his mind what these words meant, his heart was compressed again and again as he spoke, and the haunting guilt buried in his insides did not even have time to rise to the surface and be felt that the dreaded sequel was thrown at his face. "Because of you he has nowhere to go."_

_This last sentence stabbed his heart so savagely that it cut off his breath. His lungs began to burn as he panted horribly, disgust rose to his throat and clogged him to such an extent that he almost suffocated him. He had... he had..._

**Please just let me... just let me stay with you...**

_His eyes became even wetter, and a blink of an eyelash made a tear run down his cheeks to soak the pillow in salt water. He didn't even realize it because the shock was too violent, fighting with Natsu's words that he just remembered and what they really meant. They merged with those of Makarov to form a horribly gloomy whole that tore his stomach with shame and disgust for himself. Natsu had suffered from loneliness as much as he had, and..._

**Don't act like you know how it feels! You'll see what real pain is like!**

_A first image flashed. It veiled his eyes with red, covered his phalanges and splashed his face with hemoglobin, stuffed his eardrums with heart-rending screams. _

_He had spilled the blood of a suffering boy, an innocent._

_A second one appears. He saw the face of his victim flooded with compassion and sadness, each of his features torn apart by suffering, his wet eyes fixed on the ground, heard his trembling voice begging him not to abandon him to that loneliness that must have been so frightening to him._

**What does someone like you understand about loneliness?! **

**What can you understand about pain?!**

_He had belittled him._

**You're the one who's pathetic, you're worthless! **

**You'll always be a parasite and a waste! The whole world would be better off without you!**

_He had humiliated him._

**No one will ever need you! You're useless!**

_He had broken his heart._

**We don't want you here, so get the fuck out! Disappear and never come back!**

_And finally…_

_On the third image that exploded in his head, he saw him step back, his face dripping with sweat, his body shaking with terror, his lips shaking, his eyes soaking with tears and stare at him with pleading._

**GET THE FUCK OUT!**

_He had thrown him away like garbage._

**Now he's all alone out there.**

**Because of you, he has nowhere to go.**

_He had spilled the blood of a boy who was suffering, belittled him, humiliated him, broke his heart and finally threw him away like garbage. He was now alone outside and because of him, he had nowhere to go. All the monstrosities he had committed and their consequences were summed up in these few sentences._

_Natsu had suffered like him, but it was even more than that. His behavior towards him had never been a way to hurt or belittle him, but a way to protect himself. Natsu had tried to make him understand it in every possible way, even begging him and promising him everything he had to offer to have the right to stay, and all his efforts to reach him had been in vain. He had refused to acknowledge his sincerity and to believe it even when he had irrefutable evidence before his eyes that he was not lying. His expression, his face, his eyes, his words, his voice, all in him had breathed in the real pain and fear, but he had blocked his eyes and ears to make fun of his emotions. He had treated him like a nobody and the worst thing was that Natsu considered himself as such. At no time did he deny his insults or try to prove to him that he was not the one he described. When he had called him a parasite and a waste, Natsu had thought he was one. Otherwise he would have necessarily tried to defend his honor._

_These resplendent smiles that he had so cursed did not mask an abject face, they masked pain and sorrow, just as coldness and indifference masked his own. This boy who had only been an evil being to his hating, blinded eyes seems now to be the bravest person he had ever met. Imagining him without anyone and left abandoned in the forest without anywhere to go back to crushed his heart, especially since he was the culprit. _

_The tears intensified until they pulled out a sob, and Makarov looked down with sadness and a hint of guilt, having proof in front of his eyes that nothing would have happened if he had reacted long before and told Gray all this earlier. This information about Natsu's past had made disappear all the suffering that had sprouted from his unfair hatred towards him. And even if this did not appease the pain born of his own past, the one he had inflicted on himself by misunderstanding Natsu would never have existed. The suffering that his past was making him face, the pain that was already destroying him would not have grown this much. _

_He slowly got up from his seat, his face dark, and untied the straps blocking Gray's wrists, who was still sobbing. He closed his eyes when he finished, and said in a soft voice. "I suppose you understand now. Natsu is a good and kind boy, he never wanted to hurt anyone. He courageously overcomes everything he has endured and generously transmits this strength to those around him. He made this place an even warmer home, but you refused to let the guild reach your heart and ease your suffering. You let yourself sink into your pain and rejected all the people who care about you. And yet they never abandoned you, I hope you realize that."_

_He stopped for a moment to make sure that Gray was listening to him, and even if he didn't look at him and kept crying, he knew that his words were reaching him when he saw that his eyes had lowered out of shame. Now that he had realized his titanic mistake with Natsu, he was much more receptive and could finally pierce the shell he had erected around him. He took advantage of this evidence to try to convince him again to question his way of dealing with his suffering._

_"I know how much you suffer and I can only imagine what your past is putting you through, but you can't let this suffering blind you and control you, that's not how you'll overcome it. You will only stir it up, transmit it to all those who love you and only want your happiness. And inflict it on innocent people. What you did to Natsu is proof of that."_

_He let his statement take effect, giving Gray time to assimilate, understand and accept it. The image of a certain little girl down, shaky and desperate almost tore a tear from him when it came to the surface, and he resumed with apparent emotion, "I never want to see Erza cry and shake like that again and I'm sure deep down in your heart that's not what you want either. But that's what you're doing by acting like that."_

_Gray flinched at Erza's mention, he had never intended to make her suffer, and the shame that was already wetting his eyes manifested throughout his body. He thought he was helping her by driving Natsu out of her life, but he realized that he had only destroyed her further. He had been so focused on himself and his obsession with bringing Natsu down that he had selfishly neglected Erza's feelings about seeing him do so, and his obnoxious behavior had caused her pain. He knew she cared about him and wanted to help him, but he didn't care. She had never let him down when she had every reason to do so and never stopped loving him. He had been monstrous with her, and yet she had continued to fight for him. But he didn't want to see anything._

_Knowing that he was on the right track by observing the ice mage's thoughtful, guilty expression, Makarov cultivated the hope that his current open and receptive state of mind would finally allow him to reach the core of his feelings and awaken his dormant desire for company. Until now Gray had continued to close in on himself because of his obsession with Natsu, and now that the veil was lifted and the innocence of the fire mage proved, he might finally listen to his advice. Holding on to this hope, he concluded with a firm but gentle voice, "Let the guild pass on its strength to you, Gray. It was by resting, by looking after each other that they were all able to move forward. You are not the only one suffering, you would have seen it if you hadn't barricaded yourself behind coldness and indifference. Open your heart to them, they will know how to warm it up as they already warm others'."_

_Gray's acceptance was evident this time, the boy's body expression powerfully imbibing a mixture of grief, guilt and relief. His arm found its place against his eyes already wet with tears, his increasingly intense tears shaking his body with violent tremors. Hiccups, sniffles and tearful complaints followed one another indefinitely, and his cluttered lungs disrupted his breathing._

_He no longer wanted this heart frozen by suffering, he wanted to be **warmed up**. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted to be strong, for himself and for those who loved him and whom he loved. He wanted happiness and to share it with them. He didn't want to be so monstrous anymore, to make others suffer. He wanted to be happy and make others happy. We had just shown him the door, it was there, within reach. It had always been, and he had never seen or tried to see it. He could now, it was bright and radiant, and he wanted more than anything to cross it. Behind was the happiness he had always coveted._

_All he could do was hope with all his heart that it was not already too late._

_"I-I… I…"_

_His sobs swallowed the rest of his words, and Makarov soon felt only compassion and sorrow for Gray. His anger had been completely swallowed up by this unconditional manifestation of guilt and distress he was expressing. Only a hint of resentment remained. That of having perhaps made Natsu disappear forever from their lives, and possibly from this very world. Until his mistakes were repaired, Natsu found and brought home, he could not fully forgive him, even though he had his share of responsibility for the degeneration of the situation._

_Yet he no longer had any desire to continue lecturing Gray, not now that he was expressing so many regrets. However, he could not be too lenient, because no matter how much he regretted it, he would have to face the consequences of his actions. The opposite would be unfair to Natsu, to whom he had done so much harm. _

_The boy's crying and trembling diminished in intensity, and Makarov patiently waited until they were only slight jolts. His eyes reddened with tears then appeared when he lowered his arm, and his pupils now visible fled those of the old man like the plague. _

_"W-What... what are you going to do with me?"_

_Gray's voice breathed fear and sadness, and Makarov almost had to concentrate to make his voice sound uncompromising, the desire to hug the boy becoming more and more irrepressible with every sob he heard._

_"That's not for me to decide. It's up to Natsu to choose what price will be equal to what you did to him. In the meantime…" His gaze seemed to pierce Gray, hiding entirely the slightest ounce of compassion that yet was still filling Makarov's heart. The guild master was breathing firmness, but his voice was devoid of anger when he verbalized his sentence. "You will participate in the research, and you will remain under constant surveillance. You will sleep and have your meals here. Is that clear?"_

_The tears came back but Gray nodded before hiding his shamefully frightened eyes behind his arm again and stuttered between two jolts. "I-I'm sorry…"_

_The master's expression softened slightly, but even if he knew they were sincere, he refused to accept excuses of which he was not the legitimate recipient and replied, "I'm sure you are. But regrets will not bring Natsu back, so do everything you can to find him. Forgiveness is something to be earned and it's not for me to give it to you." He did not get any particular reaction from his interlocutor so he did not delve into the subject and simply concluded, "Stay here for a while to get your head back on track. Go down to the lobby as soon as you're ready to join the search. I'll try to calm the others down a little bit, but I can't promise they'll forgive you."_

_He came out without waiting for an answer, leaving Gray alone with his guilt. After crying, cursing and hating himself so much, the boy now felt more dead than alive, empty of any emotion or sensation. Everything was numb, both his body and mind, and he could no longer think or feel. _

_He wiped the few tears still fresh from his eyes and strengthened up to sit at the edge of the bed. He waited a few moments to find the strength to solicit his legs to get up and then clumsily traced his way to the clean clothes Makarov had put on a chair. He dressed himself in a succession of slow and mechanical gestures and exhale deeply to calm his anguish and sharpen his determination._

_No matter how much he wanted to snuggle up in a corner and become invisible, he intended to do everything to find Natsu and deserve to be forgiven for what he had done. He preferred not to think about the consequences if they did not find him or if he had died from the injuries he had inflicted on him._

* * *

_It was already daylight when Gray found the courage to join the others in the lobby a few minutes later. The thought of facing their reaction when he appeared before them terrified him and he knew in advance that he would be unable to face their eyes, his being already riveted to the ground as he walked down the stairs. _

_His beating heart deafened him when he reached the last step, and as expected he was unable to look up. He stopped at the entrance, and even if he could not see anyone, he knew that all eyes were on him from the moment the whispering of the conversations suddenly stopped. He waited with anguish, head down, for someone to speak to him or for discussions to resume, willfully ignoring his disturbing presence._

_The silence lasted a little too long for his frightened heart, but he did not resolve to face anyone and continued to wait. Although no one said a word, he heard steps in his direction and then stopped in front of him. Expecting to receive a blow to punish him for what he had done, he tightened his eyelids, fists and teeth waiting for pain, but when nothing happened, he finally agreed to look up._

_He thought his heart had stopped beating when he saw the gaze fixed on him, in which he read so many different emotions that he was unable to say which of them was real. He resisted the urge to lower his head again and supported as he could those piercing eyes that seemed to tear him apart virtually._

_"I think the master has lectured you enough, so I'm not going to add to that. Three groups have already left, we're the last. You're gonna join the search and stay close to me, understood?" Gray timidly nodded to Macao's order, resisting with difficulty the urge to cry. His eyes quickly regained their interest in the ground, and he heard the fire mage sigh. "Come on."_

_He turned around to join the children who formed his group, and Gray followed him without saying anything. He knew full well that all eyes were on him, and he could almost feel the hatred, anger and resentment they bear, symbolically charring him until he was nothing more than a pile of harmless ashes. No one tried to talk to him, which was almost worse than if he had been hit or insulted._

_"Good," Macao said abruptly, turning away from Gray. "The others went to the north, west and south of the city, including outside the city walls. So we'll go east. Stay together as much as possible, I will decide if a separation is necessary at some point. Don't put yourself in unnecessary danger. Gray, you stay with me no matter what." The fire mage paused for a moment to make sure that his words had been understood, and the determined looks he received satisfied him. Preferring not to give anyone time to react to his last sentence by drawing attention to Gray, he ordered, "Let's get going."_

* * *

_**Hop! A decisive turning point in the plot of this fic because Gray FINALLY opens his eyes and realizes the horrors he has committed. I hope it's credible, I'm a little afraid that I went too fast, his change of point of view is quite brutal. Is the simple fact of learning what Natsu has been through in the past really enough to change his mind so quickly? I'll leave it to you to tell me.**_

_**There are two little things I'm not sure about in this chapter. Already there is the slap that Makarov gives to Gray that makes me ask myself questions. In FT the characters do not stop fighting (it is Fairy Tail :p) even as children, but what Makarov does is still violent and I wonder if his act is not a little shocking because Gray is a child. So is the fact that he tied him to his bed. I really hope that's not the case. **_

_**The second thing is the part where Gray remembers everything he said to Natsu during their last confrontation, I wonder if it's not a little... silly. Or at least a little too much drama. **_

_**I also hope that you enjoyed finally seeing Gray in the present, even if it's very brief. We'll see more later, but you'll have to wait for several chapters. In fact we won't see the present for a while, whether it's Gray and Natsu or Erza and Lucy. You'll understand why as soon as you read the next chapter I think. The "subject" I'll talk about from the 11th will last several chapters, and will be extremely harsh. When I told you to hold on for what's to come, that's what I was talking about. So get ready:).**_

_**Well, I'll see you later for the next chap', I'm really excited to share it with you because I particularly love it.**_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	11. Back in hell

_**Pouet !**_

_**So here we are, we arrive at one of the big pieces of this fiction, which will last 5 chapters. I hope you have a strong heart because they're not going to be easy. I think this chapter already gives a good overview of what to expect. I hope you like it, for my part I love it. Especially this one.**_

_**I wish you a good reading!**_

**Edweis:** _Merci beaucoup d'avoir pris ce temps alors ! Je me demandais si tu lisais encore cette fiction :). Y'a pas de souci en tout cas, prends ton temps surtout. Désolé sinon pour la courte longueur du passage avec Gray, il y en aura d'autres mais oui, c'est en effet pas pour tout de suite. Je t'avouerai que je suis un peu triste que le reste ne t'intéresse qu'à moitié, parce que c'est quand même ce qu'il y a de plus important. Après je dois reconnaître que je me centre davantage sur Natsu mais que veux-tu, c'est vraiment mon personnage favori et... voilà. _

_Dis comme ça je suis moi aussi un peu gênée par cette claque que lui donne Makarov, même sans que cela soit choquant outre mesure. Je me dis que j'aurais très bien pu ne pas la mettre que ça aurait très bien fonctionné quand même, sûrement même mieux en fait._

_Merci pour avoir laissé un pitit quelque chose, je répondrai à ton MP dès que je trouverai le temps pour ça, là je publie un peu à l'arrache parce que j'ai pas beaucoup de temps huhu. _

_A très bientôt j'espère !_

* * *

**Chapter 11: Back in hell**

_He had never been so scared in his entire life. His run was that of a hunted beast that would be torn apart and devoured at the slightest inattention, the slightest loosening, as if Devil himself was chasing him to torture him for the pain, shame, despair and hatred he deserved and from which he was running cowardly. He stumbled regularly and more and more often as exhaustion and pain transcended terror and adrenaline, and as his eyes filled with more and more tears, so vivid and abundant that he almost couldn't see anything. A single mistake would precipitate him into the symbolic tomb of an eternal suffering that he was so determined to keep away from him, but it was inevitable. In truth, he had already been in it from the beginning, he was simply trying to ignore it to find the courage to continue his vain attempt to escape and indefinitely delay the merciless moment when he would have to face reality and bear all its weight._

_He couldn't slow down, or he would let everything he was desperately trying to outrun to catch up with him._

_He couldn't stop, or he would let everything he was desperately trying to escape to cage and isolate him in a hell he would never leave._

_He couldn't slow down, so he didn't._

_He couldn't stop, so he didn't._

_Running prevented his mind from thinking, his heart from breaking, his life from falling apart, so he ran._

_His lungs seemed to be sacrificing themselves, his bones crumbling, his bowels liquefying. His legs were heavy, his skull roaring, his muscles numb from the consequent loss of vital fluid that continued to flow from his multiple wounds. Everything about him was exhausted, broken, tortured beyond the sustainable._

_But he kept running._

_He stumbled over and over again, his body begging him to let it fall, but the terror made him deaf to its pleas and he always caught up, desperately clinging to a nearby tree every time he lost his balance. He then resumed his run, which was always more laborious than the previous one because of the exhaustion and the pain, to the point that he was now almost only tripping at each irregularity of the ground that his exhausted legs were trying to cross. His feet barely rose off the ground, zigzagging from one tree to another, against which their owner relied heavily to force them to carry him again. _

_His limit had long since been reached, his will and terror were the only barriers keeping his body from abandoning him. Each step deprived his lungs a little more of their air and each breath seemed to skin them alive, he panted horribly, sweated profusely, the slightest movement was torture._

_But he kept running._

_Until yet another misstep sent him crashing into the mud without him being able to prevent it, a root wrapping around his ankle to twist it brutally._

_The breaking bone tore a cry of pain as he fell heavily to the ground, followed by another strangled one when his fractured ribs collided violently on impact, taking his breath away for a brief moment. The shock stunned him for a second, but the fright easily took over and forced him to put his butchered body to work again. In a sudden panic, he managed to put his free foot on the ground and unfold his knee in an attempt to propel himself forward. The root blocking his ankle pulled it back and he fell flat on his stomach, a new cry of pain escaping him at the second impact with the floor. _

_Despair began to germinate at the same time as parasitic thoughts tried to break through a breach in his will. Refusing to accept it with all his might, he pulled with all his strength to free himself from the vines, but they only tightened abruptly, compressing the broken bone far too powerfully for him to remain indifferent and continue to struggle. _

_The adrenaline went down as he remained trapped in this situation in which he could no longer get up and run again. It continued to decrease, and his muscles that it kept warm atrophied, the pain it was numbing became stabbing, the thoughts it had contained broke out, the desolation it had turned into panic jumped down his throat. Finally it disappeared completely, and Natsu was no more but desperation._

_He didn't even try to move and as he stayed there, inert in the mud and in his own blood, a sob broke the silence._

_He was alone again. _

_The tears dried by the wind and replaced by the rain were overlapped with warm water and a trembling arm came to cover the eyes from which it was spilling. His frail shoulders collapsed and soon they were badly shaken by a multitude of heartbreaking sobs._

**We don't want you here, so get the fuck out! Disappear and never come back!**

_These words greatly widened the abyssal hole in his heart and the feeling of emptiness that had_ _engulfed it. The emptiness of a living presence to fill the constant void that loneliness had created. The emptiness of the slightest source of heat and comfort to relieve his heart wounded by the fear of being abandoned again. There was no one left to spare him the pain of being a miserable piece of trash. No one left to heal the gaping wound that Igneel's departure had inflicted on him. _

_This evidence broke his whole being into a thousand pieces and he huddled in a vain attempt to hide his disgusting ugliness from the world. Lying on his side in the muddy magma of his own decline, he hid the eyes showing it and cried all the tears of his body, which was shaking tirelessly. _

_He had been abandoned again._

* * *

_It had been more than two hours since Natsu had cried to exhaustion, and since he had regained enough strength and will to limp to a cave sheltered from the stormy rain that continued to growl outside. Sitting at the back of the cave in a fetal position with his face buried between his knees, which he had huddled in the embrace of his arms, the boy remained motionless and gloomily silent, empty of any tears to shed and any emotion to express. The pain itself did not reach him, and yet God knew how much he was in pain._

_He was just there. An absent mind in an empty body._

_He had not even tried to heal his wounds, which continued to bleed even though his extraordinary regenerative abilities had already begun to heal them slowly. His Dragon Slayer body made healing faster and more effective, but his young age did not allow it to heal them completely, and the deepest wounds and fractures could not be closed or welded properly without outside help. Nor were they immune from possible infections, which would be more than likely in the unhealthy environment in which he would now have to survive. Taking into account the amount and severity of his physical abuse, if they were not treated carefully they would inevitably end up killing him. Natsu knew it, but he couldn't care less about it at the moment._

_He just wanted to stay there, away from the outside world and even from his own mind. He didn't care about the rest, he didn't want anything. He had not slept, he had not drunk, he had not eaten, he had not even burned fire to light the darkness of the cave, to dry or to warm himself up. He was exhausted, thirsty, hungry, cold, but moving even a finger, opening his eyes or contracting the slightest muscle seemed to him to be an insurmountable effort._

_Entire hours were swallowed up in this way, nothing disturbed the deadly silence of the little cave. Outside the storm had fallen silent although a fine drizzle continued to pour from the sky, whose grey clouds were gradually beginning to turn white. The nascent sun heralding the coming dawn was weakly able to pierce the cottony mass, one of its rays, still young at this early hour of the day, shimmering its shaky light on the flora below. But in Natsu's heart, the rain had never stopped falling._

_His thoughts, numbed by those hours of wandering spent in the absolute nothingness that was his mind, gradually began to emerge from the darkness to rise to the surface, propelling some pleading shivers to the amorphous body housing them. They first persisted in vain, then the crack grew large enough to let them infiltrate. When their host finally responded to their attacks, it was to assault him with unwelcome parasites that shook him violently, sweeping away his cocoon of non-existence to bring back to life his infinite suffering._

_Gray's words rushed so brutally into the rift that its walls exploded to smash against his spirit, hitting him with such force that Natsu's body was shaken with a violent start. The atrophied nerves reconnected with each other instantly, finally awakening his awake consciousness for good. _

_He finally lifted his head up, and his eyes met only the void, the void he had already known for so long and that he knew by heart. Everything was back to the way it was before. Where his only hope of happiness had been a few weeks earlier, there was nothing left. Just humidity, cold and silence. His heart twisted, and the fangs of reality devoured him, hungry for his sufferings._

_He was back in hell._

_All his sleeping emotions were released simultaneously, and the tears came back to run along his cheeks as he was still staring at the horizon devoid of any living presence. Despite the abundant water in his eyes and the raging storm lacing him from the inside, his face remained inexpressive, hypnotized by the void. His sensitive ears were only capturing the calm wind blowing outside and gently stirring the leaves of the trees, as throbbing for him as it was calm and serene. Not the slightest twittering of a bird, the slightest rustling of a leaf, the slightest chirping of any wild animal. Just the gentle whistles of the wind._

_He was alone._

_He would be forever so this time. This isolated cave became his only home and would remain so, there was no any escape anymore, no hope of getting out. Wherever he goes, whatever he does or becomes, he would only be good to be thrown away. Each occurrence had destroyed him a little more, and he had tried everything not to deserve to be abandoned, but he had exhausted all imaginable solutions. There was nothing more to try, it was over. No matter who he became, he would never deserve to be loved, he would be rejected again and again._

_He never wanted to go through that again._

_Despite his crushed heart he dried his tears with his sleeve, and the blood staining it caught his attention. He did not take his eyes off it for long seconds, then finally left his fetal position to strengthen up slightly and lean more comfortably against the wall of his insipid and miserable home, moaning in pain with every movement. He briefly observed the distance for a moment more, then concentrated on his tattered body._

_It was completely soaked in rain, mud and blood. His left leg was deeply lacerated from hip to knee, his left ankle and two ribs fractured, his shoulder punctured by the ice pick that had stabbed him and his face disfigured, skinned and blued by the fists that had beat him. As much by the various shocks due to his many experiences with gravity as by the ice pieces that had been thrown at him, all the rest of his skin was notched in various places, and the vertebrae of his spine, which had taken most of the impacts with the rocks, trees or ground was cracking horribly with each of his movements. His clothes were torn and covered with water, blood and dirt, and his hair soaked with the same sticky substances stuck to his face and neck. He looked more like a piece of meat than a human being._

_His pitiful state made him grimace with disgust, as much for the nauseating smell and external appearance as for the repugnant uselessness that had earned him the right to be butchered beyond the recognizable. He was a Dragon Slayer and he ended up in such a state... He was really weak and pathetic. Igneel must have died of shame._

_Thinking of his adopted father was the best way to bring back his tears, but he repressed them courageously, using his eternal and incomparable will to convince himself to move forward. He never wanted to disappoint the dragon so much again, he would try to be strong and courageous despite the pain and obstacles, so that he would be proud of him. _

_After all, he had already lived like this for a year, so he could do it again, couldn't he? If he was good at anything, it was surviving. Perhaps it was for this reason that life condemned him to this existence of loneliness, he was perhaps the only one who could manage and survive it. So that was what he was going to do, hoping that time would make him forget what was beyond the limits of his little cave and the gloomy forest he was living in. Forget that the world out there was warm and bright, far from the coldness and darkness ruling his own. _

_With his determination at least partially restored, he found enough energy to take care of his wounds as much as possible, the survival he now wanted to achieve being largely compromised by them. There was nothing he could do about the fractures of his ribs but wait, so even if just breathing was a torture he didn't care and focused on what he could relieve. There were still the wounds on his leg and shoulder, but they were covered and saturated with gravel, soil and dried blood that would quickly infect them if he did nothing. He had to start by finding a way to clean them._

_To do this, he would already have to make sure that he could move at least enough to find any water and food as efficiently as possible. It would be pointless if it took him hours to travel only a few miles, so he had to relieve his butchered leg and broken ankle first and foremost. For the first one he knew exactly what to do, but acting on it was going to be as difficult as the experience would be terribly painful._

_Delaying this moment for his greatest relief, he already started by removing his soaked shirt to use the water was still soaking it to clean the wound a minimum, enough so that what he would do afterwards would not hinder its future healing. Unable to use the fabric directly on the wound without adding the soil and mud staining it, he simply wrung it out above it and could not hold back a moan of pain from slipping between his clenched teeth when the water soaked the wound. He then ripped a miraculously clean piece of clothing from his already torn pants and rubbed his leg vigorously, trying to ignore how painful it was by repeating to himself that this pain was nothing compared to the one awaiting him afterwards. He did the same when he had to stick his fingers into the bloody crevice to remove the few deep dirt that the piece of clothing could not reach._

_He took them off when he finished and allowed himself a few seconds to catch his breath. He took advantage of these moments to examine his shoulder, and despite the smaller and clearer wound puncturing it, it was also and especially much deeper and therefore much more dangerous. The blood flowing from it was more abundant than that of all his other cuts combined. He had to stop the bleeding somehow, but the big problem was that he could hardly reach his back, where the ice pick that had pierced the front of his shoulder had come out. Until he could clean it as he had done for his leg, he just coarsely bandaged it with his dirty shirt._

_He exhaled an anxious breath, and refocused on his previously unfinished task. He motivated himself by reminding that it would only be a bad time to pass, and raised his left hand in front of him. The sooner he started, the sooner this painful trial would be over. _

_He took a deep breath, gathering all his courage to prepare himself to endure his future torment, and when he had collected enough he set his hand on fire. He concentrated as much magic as he could muster to make his flames as hot as possible so that they could overcome his innate resistance to his own element, then nervously approached it to his leg, shaking like never before. He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes tightly, his eyelids quivering with fear. Finally, after a last breath, he made a single sharp gesture with his flaming palm on the wound. _

_He screamed in pain from the moment the fire came into contact with his flesh, the tears burst instantly as it was atrocious and he deliberately hit his skull against the rock behind him, his whole body shaking. He then lowered his forehead against his bent knee by clenching his teeth and fist, his breathing horribly labored and erratic, resisting with all his might to the extreme temptation to remove his hand to stop this abominable torture. He tried to continue the cauterization of the wound and to ignore the pain inflicted by the filling of the gaping crevasse and by the severed veins and flesh that were being sewn together, giving him the impression of liquefying under the boiling heat of his magic. He had to increase the pressure of his hand against his bruised leg to help him repress his urgent desire to give up everything. _

_His lungs were on the verge of asphyxiation when he stopped everything, forcing him to take a hasty breath that the pain made hoarse and shaky. _

_He straightened up and fell against the wall of the cave, still with his eyes closed, trying as best he could to calm his panicked breath and heart. The pain was still stabbing, pulsing in his leg at a steady rhythm like sharp blades that would repeatedly stab him, but it was nothing compared to the pain he had just endured and he managed to relax slightly._

_When it calmed down a little, he was able to move again and he leaned over to examine the recently cauterized wound, noting with relief that the bleeding had stopped and the wound closed. The scar left looked repulsive, composed of a cluster of yellowish blisters that squeezed together and stretched over about thirty centimeters, but it was not bleeding anymore. However, even if he was no longer at risk of dying from anemia, the probabilities of infection remained high and he had nothing that could effectively disinfect the wound. All he could do in the current state of his means was to clean it with clean water, hoping that there would be a lake or river close enough to his position to allow him to get there quickly enough._

_He waited a moment longer, blessing the pain to at least divert the painful thoughts that might come to the surface and assault him with cruel emotions. He focused on the pulsations he felt beating in his thigh, which gradually decreased in intensity until they were nothing more than unpleasant crackles. Finally, even if he didn't like it at all, he unrolled Igneel's scarf from his neck and tied it as a bandage around his purulent leg. _

_When he finally felt ready, he tried to bend his knee and except for the now welded skin that was pulled under the tension of his muscles, nothing came to disturb his action that he could then continue without stopping. Taking care not to put his foot on the ground so as not to strain his broken ankle, he leaned on his second leg and on the wall behind him to slowly lift himself up. He grimaced and staggered at every step of his act but persevered until he stood up, allowing himself only once it was done to test the strength of the fractured bone._

_He carefully put his foot on the ground without carrying any weight, but removed it as soon as he felt it cracking and inflicted a piercing pain that went up along his leg to his calf. He sighed in frustration as soon as it had vanished, and looked at the cave in search of any objects that could be used as crutches, but quickly concluded that he had no choice but to at least leave the cave to find some._

_He sighed dryly to motivate himself, and moved towards the exit with the help of the walls along which he walked with difficulty, pushing a small moan of pain every time he was forced to briefly put his damaged foot on the ground. After a good minute of hard fighting he took his first step outside, and after making sure that the path was clear of danger, staggered towards the tree closest to his position in the hope of finding a branch, two ideally, strong enough to support his weight._

_Luck was with him this time because he quickly found what he wanted. With his improvised crutches acquired, he sniffed the ambient air in the hope of detecting a smell indicating the presence of water or any fish that might inhabit it. Once again, he was lucky and noticed what he was looking for a few hundred meters from his position._

_Unable to jump for joy, his heart did so for him, and he hurried, as much as possible, in the appropriate direction. _

_Despite the pressure on his shoulder and ribs at each support, the journey was fortunately made without any excessive pain and the relief relaxed him when indeed, a lake appeared on the horizon thirty minutes later. Once he arrived at his destination, he first sat down by the water to soak his feet, the contact with the liquid that massaged his damaged ankle giving him a wonderful feeling. _

_He detached Igneel's scarf from his leg and tied it around his waist to give him access to his wound, and after a second that he used to encourage himself, he carefully slipped into the water. All his nicks hurt on contact but it didn't take more than thirty seconds for the tingling to turn into a smooth massage. The swirling water caressing his wounds was certainly soothing, and for the first time in hours, he sighed with comfort._

_Taking care never to look at his reflection, he rubbed his wounds to clean them, followed by his disgusting and sticky hair, sprinkled his face with fresh water and took a few sips before coming out. His now wet body made the wind icy and he shivered violently, but a magic display of a few seconds was enough to dry and warm him up completely. He could not bless to be a fire mage more than at that moment._

_Finally, he took Igneel's scarf back in its place and sat down in the damp grass, terrified of what was to come next: now that his shoulder was cleaned, he would have to cauterize it in turn. _

_He would have liked to wait a little while before repeating this horrible experience, but unfortunately he could not afford this luxury. Now that the wound had been cleared of the dirt that clogged it, it was bleeding more heavily and he could not let it drain his body of its blood._

_He began by grabbing the piece of solid wood he had picked up on the way for this purpose and burned it like a torch, using as before the most burning flames possible so that they could pierce the innate fireproofing of his Dragon Slayer body. Before it was consumed, he reluctantly hurried to approach the branch from his back by passing his arm over his shoulder, inhaled to control the terrified tremors of his wrist, and pressed the flaming end of the torch against the wound._

_He managed to refrain from screaming this time but the pain was such that the tremors of his body barely failed many times to make him release the instrument of torture and thus stop the cauterization prematurely. The tears, however, could not be repressed and he closed his eyes with violence, increasingly trying to repress his urgent need to stop this unspeakable pain as he felt the skin of his back melt under extreme heat. _

_However, there came a time when he could no longer bear it and the burning branch fell to the ground with a crash as Natsu rushed forward, the hand that had held the object firmly against his abused arm. His shoulder blade seemed to be hammered with repeated stab wounds with such violence that he did not know from where he found the courage to continue his work. He was aware that he would never be able to get back to work if he waited and immediately inflamed his hand before being tempted to change his mind and, still bent in half, this time squeezed his collarbone._

_Nothing came to stop this second scream, and it was so heartbreaking that it frightened a cloud of birds, which flew away in a symphony of high-pitched whistles, leaving the torture show unfolding below where Natsu continued to slump. The tears crossed the barrier of his firmly closed eyelids to follow his cheeks and his cluttered breathing became erratic and hoarse. His fingers clung so tightly to his shoulder that his nails almost pierced the skin of his neck, forcing his flaming palm to continue to press the wound despite the unnamed suffering he was inflicting on himself in this way. _

_He was almost sobbing when the ordeal ended and he let himself fall forward, his forehead on the ground and his whole body shaken with frenetic tremors. _

_Never in his life had he felt such pain. Even the cauterizations he had to perform in the past, including during his first survival experience before being picked up by Makarov, had not been so despicable. Next to it, the one of his leg had been nothing more than a walk in the park. This was probably because it had already corroded its resistance far too much and it had not had time to repair itself before it was put under this extreme pressure again. It had now completely exploded, invalidating Natsu from a state of inordinate weakness that confronted him with violent dizziness, and he collapsed flat on his stomach._

_He fainted a second later._

* * *

_It didn't take him more than thirty minutes to regain consciousness. His body was so heavy and numb when he came to, that he could not move a muscle for several minutes, including those of his consciousness that wandered through a magma of non-existence until he could recover some landmarks. Still ankylosed by his sudden fainting, he tried to stand up on his knees leaning on his hands, but the violent pain that pulsed in his shoulder sent him ashore at the same time as it awakened his lethargic consciousness. Everything that had happened before suddenly came back to him and he gave up the idea of getting up for the moment._

_Still lying on his stomach, he closed his eyes and rested for a few moments, forcing his lungs to take long, deep breaths. Although the latter were abnormally fast, the effects of his recent syncope gradually faded at their own pace, until he could again solicit his weary body._

_He straightened himself up with his unscathed arm while taking care not to move the second in any way, and he put one hand on his painful shoulder as soon as he got up on his knees. He waited until his breathing had calmed down enough to get on his feet, and after making sure he could maintain his balance he examined his shoulder. Like his leg, the wound wasn't bleeding anymore and was covered with blisters, although they were fewer in number according to the smaller size of the lesion._

_He tried a movement or two of his arm and sighed with relief when he felt almost no pain. The ordeal was over and he would normally no longer have to deal with it now that all the open wounds cutting him had been closed. Confident about his physical and emotional stability, he scanned the area and decided to start collecting some water and food for the next few days._

_First he made something to collect water. Following the survival tips Igneel had taught him for so long, he reached the nearest tree and dug deep into the trunk. After tearing off the first layers of bark to reach the watertight part of it, he detached part of the sapwood, which was waterproof, in order to line his artisanal water bottle with it and thus prevent the water collected from being absorbed by the wood. He fixed each part of them with solid vines found here and there, forming a kind of rectangular container with a bark lid, and filled it with water. In this way, he ensured that he would not have to impose on himself the same difficult and unnecessary round trips to this place. With that he had enough to drink for a few days._

_He straightened up, and discouraged at the idea of taking a break that would allow his thoughts and memories to arise, he focused on the second step: eating._

_In his condition it was unthinkable to hunt any monster for food, and refusing categorically to kill any innocent animal, there was only one thing left that could satisfy him, tearing off a grimace of deep disgust. This forest was not the same as the one near which he had lived in the past, but according to Igneel these famous trees with what could constitute his meal were common. The hope of finding it in this one was then rather high._

_After picking up his improvised crutches, he walked between the trunks, taking care not to lose sight of the direction of his cave. Confirming Igneel's statement, he quickly spotted a whole host of the saving trees he was looking for, and approached them cautiously. He knelt at the foot of one of them, picked up a piece of bark as a shovel, and scraped the earth until his roots were dug up. _

_He continued until three of them appeared long enough to make five or six rations each, and cut them into several pieces of about ten centimeters using a small amount of fire. He was of course careful not to carbonize them in the process by moderating his magic power, using the minimum required to break them from a clean cut. _

_Having eaten nothing for more than seventy-two hours because of the days of confinement imposed by Makarov and Gray's smashing arrival before its end, he was so hungry that he devoured a number of them straight despite this ignoble taste that he knew all too well. Their magically nourishing properties quickly satisfied him and when he finished, he took a sip of water from his reserve to dilute the earthy, foamy taste that filled his mouth and clung to his tongue. The repulsive grimace that had altered his features relaxed slightly as soon as the still fresh liquid ran along his esophagus irritated by the cries he had made and the blood that had blocked it. _

_He cut down a few more to replace the ones he had just swallowed, and once satisfied with the reserves he had managed to collect in a minimum of time and travel, he made the journey in the opposite direction, picking up branches and leaves on the way that he could use to burn a camp fire when he returned to his cave. He joined the latter about ten minutes later, threw his load carelessly into it and collapsed, exhausted. He didn't even have the strength to line the ground with leaves to make a more comfortable bench or light a fire and huddled in a corner._

_It didn't take him more than a minute to fall asleep._

* * *

_**Well, there we go. I don't know if you were expecting to come back to Natsu's point of view, but in any case it's going to last for several chapters, that's why I said we wouldn't see the others for a while, either in the past or in the present. You should also know that at the beginning it was only supposed to take the beginning of a chapter, but when writing it ended up making five whole chapters, including this one. Which I don't regret. **_

_**Anyway, poor Natsu is seeing all kinds of things and it's not about to be over. This is only an appetizer of what awaits him next and it's not going to be beautiful to see. But pleasant to read, I hope so, hehe. I am rather proud of this chapter despite its short length, there is not a single line of dialogue and I think I have transcribed the horror of the situation well and made it all interesting despite the lack of action in the strict sense of the word. In any case, this chapter makes my heart ache, especially the beginning, and even more so because he can't be more than 8 years old... It's horrible. And I love it. **_

_**I can't wait to show you the rest anyway, I feel bad just thinking about some parts... Mwhahahaha... Get ready.**_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	12. From denial to acceptance - Part 1

**_Pouet !_**

**_Yeah, I know, it took me a long time to publish this one, but let's just say I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write anything. In any case don't worry, this fic will always have its continuation and I don't intend to stop it no matter how long I can put between certain chapters._**

**_Before we start I have a little something to say. The people involved will recognize themselves, I received some MPs telling me to quickly publish another chapter because I'm late in my publication and I have to admit that it angered me a little... Even more because it was from those who're doing nothing to reward my work and contact me only when I'm slow at publishing a chapter to ORDER me to publish another one. It doesn't work that way._**

**_Anyway, here is finally chapter 12. Enjoy your reading._**

**Sheney: **_Heeeey coucou toi! Oui ce chapitre est horrible surtout le début... Le pauvre T_T. Je suis contente que la tournure des événements te plaise même si elle ne fait pas partie de tes hypothèses :p._

_Je comprends tout à fait ce que tu veux dire, mais peut-être est-ce encore trop pour se prononcer et en parler sérieusement. J'entends par là que ce n'est pour l'instant que la suite très directe du moment où Gray l'a fait fuir et la chose n'est pas encore redescendu justement. S'il parvient pour le moment à endurer la solitude c'est parce qu'il parvient à s'occuper l'esprit avec les différentes tâches qu'il s'impose pour préparer sa survie. Si tu te souviens pendant qu'il est enfermé chez lui après la punition de Makarov il ne commence à avoir ses crises de panique qu'à partir du moment où il ne parvient plus à se distraire. Ce chapitre contient quelques informations qui te feront peut-être changer d'avis, c'est pour ça que j'évite de me prononcer. Cela dit je ne suis absolument pas sûre que ce que j'y ai dit soit suffisant pour expliquer qu'il ne revienne pas aussitôt à la guilde. Du coup je verrai ce que tu m'en diras quand tu auras lu ce chapitre ;)._

_De toute façon ton commentaire est coupé (je ne sais pas si tu l'avais remarqué), et puis on peut toujours en parler sur discord si besoin._

_Merci en tout cas d'avoir laissé une review et puis à tout de suite sur discord ;)_

**Guest: **_Hi! Yes they do need a hug... I'm so cruel with them and the worst... is that love it T_T. I'm a monster xD. Anyway it's indeed not over yet and it remains some painful moments to endure before the situation get better. After that angst the hurt/comfort will follow and then... the happy end :p. I'm happy to hear that I'm not overdramatic, I'm relieved. I hope you'll like the next chapters too and thank you a lot for your review! _

**fairiesdevotion:** _Mwahahaha I'm happy to have generated that kind of emotion, it's precisely what I wanted haha. Thanks again for your review!_

* * *

**Chapter 12: From denial to acceptance 1/3**

_When Natsu woke up the next day, his sleep having curiously been devoid of nightmares about the recent events, it took him a long time to remember what had happened the day before. Unfortunately, it came back as soon as he became aware of the hardness of the ground on which he was lying and laid his eyes on the greyish scenery surrounding him on all sides._

_Oh, yeah, he remembered. He had been thrown in the trash again._

_In the absence of any activity capable of diverting his thoughts from what it meant, the determination and courage he had shown the day before had completely disappeared. He had something to eat, something to drink, something to warm up. There was nothing else to do but wait, wait, wait, and wait again. He couldn't even go exploring for entertainment, his means of travel being extremely limited for the moment, and for a long time. _

_He ate half a portion of root for breakfast, drank a sip of water as usual to soften the gravelly taste, gathered the accumulated wood to light a fire and finally... huddled against a wall and waited._

_He didn't even know what he was waiting for. Deep down inside he didn't want to believe what was happening to him. He didn't want to believe that he had returned to this miserable and insignificant existence. He was nothing anymore. Not a human being or even an animal. Just a fallen to exterminate, a parasite and an unwanted poison that the whole world was trying to vomit, a pile of flesh, blood and bones unworthy to be accepted among the respectable. There would never be a place for him among them._

_He was convinced of it and yet he could not help but hope. That all this was just a painful dream from which he would wake up soon, that Fairy Tail would come and welcome him back to its warm home, or even that Igneel would eventually come back to save him from this meaningless existence. That this situation where he was alone and left to his own devices would either disappear or change for a future filled with love and happiness. He wanted it so badly that he gradually began to convince himself of it. Misfortune couldn't strike the same person so many times, right?_

_This thought relieved him a little. Yes, he was sure of that. Just like the first time he fought to survive, there was bound to be a light to be reached at the end of this tunnel of solitude. All he had to do was wait._

_So he waited. One day, two days, three days. Every minute unchanged gradually corroded his hopes, his heart abandoned them from hour to hour, every wake-up was more frightening than the previous one. The dawns followed one another, and he was still waiting._

_Two days later the wait ended, and the evidence pierced its denial bubble._

_He was alone and would remain so for the rest of his life._

* * *

_At dawn on the sixth day, Natsu had to replenish his food supply. Revived by an energy that came from nowhere, he performed this task with such eagerness and anger that he gained a few more injuries from falling, aggravating the old ones in the process. He even deliberately sprained one of his wrists by hitting a tree that had resisted him as he tried to dig up its roots, pestering against nature itself for being so stubbornly annoying and making all this shit even more difficult. He hurt himself all the time, and he didn't care. The pain was helping him to forget everything that had caused him to be in this situation._

_He threw his provisions to the ground in rage when he got home, and after a snarling kick at the still new heap of wood intended to be his future campfire, he sat down heavily, swung his crutches against the wall and slumped on his carpet of yellow leaves. _

_Why did he have to relive this absolute horror again? What the hell had he done to be so hated, by people and by the world itself? Beyond this morbid cage there was a painless world to explore, and he could never be part of it. He was condemned to rot alone in this world of perpetual darkness, in this prison of solitude for all eternity. To stay away from anything that could free him from this fate. He would never be accepted anywhere, he was just a poison to be avoided at all costs. _

_Basically, it didn't matter why we were hurting him so much. He would have simply done better not to try to get rid of that fate, because that hope that he desperately clung to in order to convince himself to continue to live and survive had always been in vain and he should have realized and accepted it. He was just a fool for thinking he could escape it, and a coward for trying. But was he really the only one responsible? Wasn't there someone, an outside force, who had condemned him to suffer consecutive abandonments?_

_If he had not experienced these weeks of happiness, if he had never discovered that there was something capable of offering it to him, he would not suffer as much from having been forced to part with it. Why had he been given so much happiness, if it was to take it away from him afterwards? This world was a rotten place._

_He turned around on his other side, tensed. He wanted to dump everything, to hurt himself and the world so that at least this pain inflicted and the hatred we had for him would have a reason. That this nauseating existence had a meaning and a justification. At least he could no longer tell himself that he had done nothing to deserve this ordeal or feel so weak and pitiful. He could then live this shitty life without constantly asking himself the same questions._

_The question was whether his existence had been poisoned since he was born or whether he was guilty of a degeneration that had led him to that very moment. Had he really done something to become despicable, or was he just cursed?_

_He asked himself this question over and over again, for days and hours. The only positive thing about it was that he had something to focus on, something else to think about than what he had lost forever. _

_It was the eighth day that these questions found their answers. The anger that had animated him all that time disappeared, allowing everything he had repressed to invade him again. The pain of his wounds that had been numbed by this stifling emotion had never been more stabbing than now and he already regretted inflicting it on himself. He felt more foolish than ever to have lost so much common sense, to have buried himself in questions to which he had the answer for a long time. It had always been written in the words of the very person whom his presence had tortured, which came back to him without him trying to sweep them away this time. _

**You're ruining everyone's life, you're just a parasite!**

**I won't let you hurt anyone else anymore!**

**That's all you deserve!**

_Revenge and cursing yourself or the whole world didn't make sense. The answer was there from the beginning, buried in Gray's words that he had tried to forget. Deep down, he had always known it. His very existence made all those who entered its wake suffer, these consecutive abandonments were not only the work of a cursed fate. He was himself a curse, what sane person could want something so harmful? If we left him every time, there was only one reason: he was poisoning other people's lives._

_This meant… that he simply got what he deserved._

* * *

_More than a week. His hopes had already been killed, followed by the dull anger he felt for himself and the whole world. There was nothing left of it, not even an ounce spinning deep inside him. In this emotional nothingness he became, he no longer knew what to do to avoid accepting his fate, no matter how much he wondered._

_He knew that no one would come to save him, he had understood and accepted it, but... what if it was up to him to make sure that he was respectable enough to blend in with the light of this world and emerge from its darkness? Had he really tried everything? Was there not something left, somewhere, that would allow him to no longer deserve to be locked away, to not be noxious to anyone anymore?_

_What had he done for this world, actually, besides living and surviving in it? What had he accomplished for it and in its interest? Nothing at all. He had only poured out his weakness, his disgusting impulsiveness and tears, he had enjoyed several years of happiness with an exceptional being without ever giving anything in return. How could he achieve happiness if he never paid the price? It was not only his ugliness that caused his current misery. It was his selfishness, his greed, that had pushed this world to reject him. _

_So he was going to offer it everything he owned, or rather everything he had left. He had taken water and food from it, so since he could not decently offer it his life, he would give his blood and sweat in exchange. As Igneel had taught him, he was going to train to master his magic, to become stronger. Strong enough to be able to defend the world from what threatened it and thus deserve his place in it. Perhaps then he could be pulled out of his eternal ordeal, loved, and protected from evil._

_Determination was born and hope resurrected. He was going to play that last card, it was his last chance to win the game._

_The sun was already high in the sky when he made this decision a reality. Fortunately, his ankle and thigh injury, although far from being healed, were no longer causing him as much pain as before. The perforation of his shoulder had barely healed and he still had great difficulty walking, but he still managed to move without his crutches, even though it took him much longer without them and it was more painful for him to have to put his weight on his damaged leg. _

_This time, however, he ignored this fact and deliberately left them there when he went out of the cave. He would be much more likely to have the world recognize his courage and efforts if he suffered while trying to satisfy it. He had to show it that he could endure anything to succeed, and that he really intended to offer it everything it wanted if it would allow him to be worthy of the happiness he coveted. He did not know how much it cost, but he could only hope that the little he owned and could give would be enough to pay for it. Even if he had to offer his flesh, his blood, his soul, his free will, his entire existence to buy it, he would do so without hesitation. Everything to not be alone anymore._

_Then he trained, relentlessly, collapsing with exhaustion and pain at every twilight. His magic made phenomenal progress, but his heart continued its long descent towards the definitive abandonment of all forms of pride. Not once after his hard day's work had he felt satisfied with what he had accomplished. He was finishing all his training on his knees, how could he be of any use to anything with all the weakness he had left? He had given his blood and sweat, but it was still not enough. He was beginning to think that even bringing all his possessions together would not be sufficient and that he had fought in vain._

_He did not give up so easily and decided to test his progress in a concrete way: to try to eliminate a monster. If he could do so, he would have found a way to increase the value of his life, and he would then begin to defeat as many as possible, starting with those in this forest, to increase that value until it was high enough to deserve what he coveted. When he had sweated and suffered enough by putting his life at stake for this purpose, he would have proven that he was capable of not being a poison anymore, that he could have his utility, be a benefit to this world and no longer a nuisance._

_Holding on to this last hope, he prepared for his future journey at dusk of the twelfth day, gathering food and water. He also made an attachment for his broken ankle to keep the bone as still as possible and thus be able to strain it without the help of his crutches. This would not really ease the pain, but it at least reduced the risk of worsening in this way, while having the hands free to fight. _

_Once he felt ready and twilight emerged, Natsu went to bed for the night. His sleep was agitated by the anguish of what might happen the next day, but he managed to rest enough to gather the energy necessary for his future cavalcades when he awoke at the dawn of that thirteenth day. _

_He got up without wasting time, both anxious and excited by the experiences to come, which could perhaps, little by little, lift him out of poverty. He ate a piece, put out the fire, picked up his food rations and went out. Unable to follow a smell he didn't know, he couldn't use it to find out which way to go, so he picked one at random and walked straight ahead._

_He went into the forest taking great care not to approach Magnolia, preferring not to risk running into a Fairy Tail member who could make him relive this traumatic experience and drive him away again. They clearly didn't want him, so approaching them would be suicide and he didn't want to die. At least not yet._

_He shook his head to sweep away these morbid thoughts and concentrate on the current objective, watching for the slightest sound or movement that might indicate an unusual presence, but all he heard for an hour was the sound of the wind, small animals running in the trees or bushes and that of his own footsteps. He did not get discouraged and continued his exploration, stopping from time to time to rest and especially to watch out for his various injuries. These were painful and slowed him down enormously, but he found that the effort he had put into them had not made them worse and that was all that mattered to him. He was not one of those who gave up easily and was not frankly known for his wisdom, composure or sense of restraint. Yeah, well, he wasn't known for much, actually, since no one but Igneel and Fairy Tail knew about him. But in any case, he wasn't planning to change anything and certainly wasn't going to give up so easily, no matter what the risks were._

_A strange smell of foul interrupted his thoughts and he concentrated his attention in its direction, squinting at his eyes to try to see something unusual through the compact mass of the flora. Shortly after a loud rumble echoed not far from him, making him jolt, followed by a deafening crash that awakened his anxiety. However, he did not let himself be impressed and proceeded cautiously among the trees, as quietly as possible. He may have been reckless but not so foolish as to believe that it would be easy to defeat the slightest monster in his physical and magical state._

_He soon saw a small clearing and approached it to hide behind a tree, spying on the surroundings for any sign that might explain the noise he had heard. That's where he saw it._

_A huge monster._

_He knew these creatures, and more than well. The last time he had dealt with one of them he almost ended up in its throat and was wounded to the point of not being able to move for days. That time the monster had fortunately left him for dead and he was able to reach his cave alive, but it had been close. He was barely able to set his fist on fire at the time, so every time he ran into a creature he never had another choice but to run away. Most of the time he had succeeded, but he had already failed a few times, ending up in a more than pitiful state that almost killed him. _

_After the training of the last few days he had acquired a little more control and power, but he doubted that this was enough to get rid of such a monstrosity. However, he hesitated, believing that he might have the advantage of knowing his strengths and weaknesses and that he could eventually use this to gain the upper hand. Moreover, this time he was in the middle of the forest, which housed a multitude of places where he could hide if things went wrong. This creature was slow, had almost no sense of smell and relied only on his sight and hearing, so if he hid and made no noise he should be able to outrun it if necessary, even with his reduced mobility. Maybe it was worth a try._

_In any case, he did not have to hesitate for long, as an unexpected element entered his field of vision. He widened his eyes when he realized what it was._

_A human being. A man in his thirties, with copper-coloured hair folded back to his neck and an elongated face dressed with a nascent beard. Two intelligent eyes with ebony pupils and a benevolent glow expressing an undeniable wisdom, an athletic and powerful body showing a manifest strength imposing respect, peaceful features breathing calm and composure. Everything about this man inspired fear as much as confidence and serenity, and Natsu felt a strange sense of security coupled with an urgent need to rush in his wake. He had the feeling that nothing could hurt him anymore in his presence, comforting him so much that he caught himself thinking he had found the solution to his ordeal._

_The newcomer approached the monster with a surrealist calm, and Natsu could not detach his curious gaze from his imposing figure, his heart beating with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. He did not believe his eyes when, with a single gesture of his hand, the gigantic creature was swept away and reduced to dust the next moment, giving the impression that he had simply disappeared from all sight._

_The boy's mouth remained open for a long time, unable to believe what he had just witnessed and the Herculean power of the man. The surprise then gave way to wonder and admiration, torching his pupils with an explosion of envy and exaltation._

_He was about to reveal himself when a second person appeared from behind a tree, and he preferred to remain hidden to observe at the last moment. The newcomer, as impressed as he was, approached the other and bowed, visibly grateful._

_"Thank you so much, Gildartz-san."_

_"It was my pleasure. Glad I could help."_

_Something tilted in Natsu's mind at this answer, but he had no time to rejoice as the man turned around in his direction, and his bright smile disappeared instantly. _

_His eyes had landed on his partially bare chest and all the previous emotions and sensations vanished as soon as he noticed what was adorning his right pectoral._

_The Fairy Tail mark._

_Tears came to his eyes, images of the happiness that had been snatched from him flashing through is head as his heart imploded with devastating disappointment and terror. His agitation was accompanied by a loud rustling of leaves, which was followed by an authoritative voice rising from behind him, making him startle. "I know you're watching us. Show yourself."_

_Fear paralyzed him for a moment, but when he heard steps in his direction, it propelled him forward and he ran as fast as he could. If he caught him, he would hit him and expel him for hurting his people, like Gray before him._

_Anything but going through this again._

_His broken ribs martyred him with every breath, his perforated shoulder pained him with every movement, his broken ankle and his notched leg begged him to stop with every step, but he kept running. His run was staggering, stumbling and sprinkled with hiccups of pain, but he didn't stop. _

_He was relieved not to hear any step chasing him as he fled and slowed down to hide in a bush, diving head first, fear crushing his stomach. He was not yet sure that this Gildartz guy had not followed him and in his condition, if he stayed out in the open, he would easily catch him. _

_He waited anxiously for whole minutes, and no noise whatsoever disturbed the calm of the forest. He listened, stretching his overdeveloped hearing as far as possible, but he detected nothing more than the ubiquitous murmurs of wildlife. Gildartz had probably concluded that he was not a danger and had let him go without trying to find out who he was or why he had been spying on them. This did not really surprise him, given his enormous strength there was probably not much that could be dangerous for him._

_He sighed with relief and came out of hiding. He looked hastily in all directions to make sure the way was clear, then moved with increased caution towards his cave. The disappointment and disillusionment in discovering the true identity of what he thought could be his savior was still as bitter as ever, but if this event had at least had a positive effect, it was that he had now found a more effective way to prove his worth to the world. _

_Going into town and helping the people like Gildartz had just done._

_This idea that he found luminous soothed the desolation born of the burning disillusionment that he had just experienced and it was with a spirit only restrained by his suffering body that he returned to his rock lair. He could not complete his new project until the next day, as night had fallen on the way back, so he simply prepared his things for his trip as he had done the day before and slept._

_He woke up six hours later, about thirty minutes before dawn. As on the previous day he examined his wounds, which his past cavalcades had greatly worsened, and hesitated to wait a few days to leave before rejecting this idea. He had already made the decision to continue no matter in how much pain he was, he could not risk disappointing anyone by abandoning this resolution. He could also thank his particularly resistant body and pain tolerance that his many survival experiences had increased. Without them he could never have done everything he already had from his banishment until now. _

_He sighed with a sigh of self-encouragement and stood up to gather what he would need for his journey. _

_He also took care of his physical appearance as much as possible in order to avoid scaring away the people he would meet, even if whatever he would do he will always look unclean and filthy. Even after cleaning his hair several times, it still had some traces of blood on it, his ripped and torn clothes were completely stained, and even if it was his, it was very likely that those who would see him would not immediately come to that conclusion. If this were to happen, at best people would avoid or flee him, and at worst they would try to shoot him down, catch him or simply chase him away. That was what made him most anxious, but he had no way of concealing the evidence of the butchery that was his body and the carnage that was his clothing. His experience with Gray had also proven that he was a disaster when it came to encouraging others to look beyond his appearance and convince them of his good intentions, but it was a risk he had to take._

_He came out when he was ready, and looked at the horizon while thinking about where he should go._

_It was out of the question to return to Magnolia, where Fairy Tail lived, so he ignored the smells that came from it to focus on the others, and quickly captured those, far away, from a city to the west. They were too diffuse for him to accurately measure the distance between them, but based on the distance that his sense of smell could cover and the state of the odors that his nostrils captured, he estimated it at about ten kilometers, or one or two hours' walk for an ordinary man. For him, who was moving very badly, he probably needed four or five, but he was not discouraged and set off._

_The first kilometer was done without any significant incident, but he was already exhausted and had to stop to rest, a break from which he took the opportunity to check the state of his injuries. He realized the uselessness of this precaution when he remembered that he had nothing to relieve them anyway and prevent them from getting worse if they had to be, and his inspection then only made him anxious. He could only hope to be able to remedy this once he arrived in the city, where he would obviously be much more likely to find treatment than in the forest._

_It took him a bit more than five hours to see the ramparts of a village on the horizon. He had to take regular breaks during the journey to relieve his exhausted limbs, and despite the certain deterioration of his injuries he continued his journey. His ankle had started to bleed around the wood of his splint, his ribs seemed to clash with each other and against the walls of his rib cage, his leg and shoulder to be repeatedly stabbed, but he never complained about it._

_Not reckless enough to land in the middle of the city with his depraved appearance, he approached it as discreetly as possible until he reached a house behind which he hid. He looked at the nearest alleyway, and finding it empty, he quietly sneaked in._

_He took a few careful steps but stopped abruptly, his sharp hearing picking up slight footsteps coming from behind him. He turned around in one jump but before he could see anyone or anything, he felt a hand grabbing him by the arm and the next, a handkerchief impregnated with a heady smell covering his mouth and nose. He tried to struggle but his strength almost instantly faded._

_He blacked out a second later._

* * *

_**Well, I guess you feel things happening with that end... And I'm perfectly aware that I cut the chapter at the worst possible time for you xD. And that's what's good! (Yes, I'm mean: p).**_

_**The chapter title must also be quite eloquent about Natsu's evolution in relation to what he will experience. In fact, it was not specifically planned at first, but when I wrote I noticed that his feelings and emotions evolved exactly according to these famous phases of acceptance of death (here it is not death but it does not change much). So I used this to build my text and organize my chapters. So we had denial, anger and the beginning of bargaining here.**_

_**As for the content of this chapter, I suppose you didn't expect Gildartz to arrive, I hope I showed well that it was from that moment that Natsu began to admire him and how good he feels in his presence. I think it's a pity that their relationship is not more developed in the manga. There are a few things but it's not enough for me, I would have liked more: p.**_

_**I don't have much to add except to ask you to leave a small review, even a short one. Just to know that I'm not publishing all this for nothing.**_

_**Tcha pouet!**_


	13. From denial to acceptance - Part 2

_**Pouet!**_

_**Yes, it's me ! I'm really sorry again for the wait, I had some morale problems (that have nothing to do with the Coronavirus, don't worry). What a special time, huh? I hope that none of you had to suffer any loss and that you are coping well with the confinement, as far as I'm concerned everything is fine. Confinement or not I was already spending a lot of time at home so in the end it doesn't make much difference. I'm very busy and I'm not bored, actually there's not much that changes except that I have to shop less often and buy more in quantity to last longer without having to go back there. After that, I miss seeing my friends for sure, but hey, nothing insurmountable :). **_

_**Anyway! Morally I'm feeling much better, so I find the courage to at least publish this chapter, I can't promise I'll have the courage to do more than that. **_

_**Be careful and stay sate! Good reading!**_

**fairiesdevotion: **_Yes you're right to be scared hehehe. I'm a pro when it comes to cut a chapter at that kind of oppressive moment :p. Anything can happen at this point, don't worry you'll get the answer in this chapter. I hope you'll like it!_

**JKD:**_ I'm happy you liked it! Yes I guess it was unexpected, you're probably wondering who did this hehe. I love Gildartz and Natsu's relationship, I wanted to include this kind of admiration Natsu has for him and that h__e contributed to what Natsu has become. _

_Thanks a lot for your review and good reading! :)_

**Shian Smith:**_ Here is the new chapter, I'm sorry for the wait! Thanks for your review I hope you'll like this chapter too._

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**Chapter 13: From denial to acceptance 2/3**

_A sharp pain on his jaw suddenly awakened his sleeping consciousness, and Natsu woke up with a start. Before he could even see anything, he tried to instinctively step back from the source of this sudden and incomprehensible pain, but his back immediately hit a wall that prevented him from moving more than a few centimeters away. His eyes then captured three faces looking down on him from above and encircling him on each side, closing any door through which he could escape. Fear twisted his insides when he noticed that these three guys had an arrogant and threatening expression that proved that they did not mean him any good. It reached yet another level when he tried unsuccessfully to bring his arms in front of him to prepare to defend himself, and realized what was stopping him. _

_His wrists were bound tightly behind his back, held forcibly behind him by the thick rope that tied them. Others were compressing his arms, wrapped like snakes around his chest to prevent them from moving away from it. The knots were so tight that it sawed off his flesh and cut off his blood circulation, numbing his arms and hands so much that he could hardly feel them._

_He leaned more against the wall he was sitting against. He had no idea what these people might want from him, but he didn't have time to think about it until a second blow picked his face._

_"Come on, kid! Focus!"_

_The boy had to restrain his body from shaking too intensely under the terror that turned his stomach, as well as his tears in the face of the misfortune that never stopped hitting him. Why, whatever he did, wherever he went, did he always reap only blows and insults? Why did misfortune come down so hard on him?_

_Once again his thoughts were interrupted by a foot in his face, which at that point was already bloody._

_"No time for tears, brat. You're going to answer our questions now, got it?"_

_The sinister and threatening tone of his voice sent him an uncontrollable shiver and he could only raise his wet and terrified eyes to his attacker, who was crouching down in front of him. Crushed by his imposing presence, Natsu shriveled even more and vigorously turned his wrists behind his back in a desperate attempt to loosen the ropes that bound them, but the knots only tightened, cutting off his circulation once and for all. Closing his eyes vigorously to concentrate while trembling with panic, he looked for the flames inside him, but they did not respond and remained stuck in his entrails, unable to get out. The man noticed his vain attempt when he saw him shaking and heard the ropes squeaking behind him._

_"We know you're a mage, kid. Don't bother trying to use your magic, those ropes are there to seal it."_

_Natsu had to resign himself and he swallowed with difficulty. He wanted his voice to be assertive and threatening, but it was too shaky for his taste when he asked, "What do you want?"_

_For any answer his tormentor grabbed him hard by the hair and stuck his piercing eyes into his, tearing a grimace of pain from his victim. "Tell us what you know about this Gildartz Clive."_

_Natsu widened his eyes, clearly not expecting to hear the name. He didn't know why they were interested in this man, but what could possibly make them think he knew him? Was it Gildartz himself who asked them to make sure he didn't know anything incriminating about him? Or maybe it was a way to get revenge for what he had done to his guild?_

_"Did he ask you to do that? Because of what I did?"_

_The three men looked at each other, visibly surprised, and nodded their heads to each other in agreement. The one who was still grasping his hair let go as he refocused his attention on him. "Exactly."_

_Natsu looked down, not knowing if he was disappointed or indifferent. Like all the other Fairy Tail mages, this Gildartz seemed to be a good person, and to be abhorred by someone like him afflicted him with a powerful pinch in his heart. But at the same time, it was only his fault that he couldn't live up to these almost perfect beings, if he was harmful. Fairy Tail had nothing to do with it, their hatred and resentment towards him, including Gildartz's, seemed so legitimate to him that he could no longer really regret having been expelled from the guild. He had already accepted it earlier: he had only got what he deserved. _

_If Gildartz wanted revenge for what he had done, he had every right to. He wasn't going to blame them when he knew perfectly well that it was only his fault, and above all he wasn't going to take revenge for their revenge, it was more than justified. He could only try to prove to them, to Gildartz, that he would not try to approach them to poison their lives. That they therefore had nothing to fear from him, that they just had to ignore him to keep him away from their family. Convince them that he intended to stay away from them and that he would never hurt them again. _

_"Tell him there's no point in chasing me out. I'll stay away, I won't come back to bother you."_

_"Huh? I don't know what you're talking about, but who cares about that, dumbass?"_

_The boy tilted his head slightly, surprised. "He asked you to hit me to get revenge and stop me from coming back, that's not it?"_

_"Revenge for what? Come back where? You're starting to get on my nerves, kid."_

_"Aren't... aren't you part of the guild?"_

_The already battering vein in his interlocutor's temple deepened as his previously repressed impatience took shape in his expression, and he spat, irritated, "This is getting stupid, stop beating around the bush! The question is clear, isn't it? What do you know about him?"_

_Natsu understood less and less but he answered anyway, with as much conviction as possible. "I don't know anything."_

_It was a fist that this time collided with his head, which swung violently to the side on impact. A flow of blood was running from his lips and along his temple when his assailant forced him to look him in the eye again by grabbing his chin between his fingers. "Don't lie. You were seen spying on him yesterday, so answer."_

_"I don't know!"_

_A second blow from his free hand fell on his still intact cheek, giving it a purplish bruise in turn, and took a barely controlled complaint of pain out of Natsu's mouth. "Are you sure about this? Maybe this will jog your memory, hmm?"_

_The fingers grasping his chin tightened and forced Natsu's gaze to a dark corner of the alley, where one of his colleagues threw something to the ground in front of him so that the boy had no choice but to contemplate it. Horror twisted his features when he saw what it was._

_A little girl about his age, whom they had tied up as he was, had just been thrown to the ground before his frightened eyes, crashing hard to the ground with a cry of pain choked by the gag they had shoved in her mouth. Her body, already covered with bruises and gashes, was trembling monstrously, testifying to the nameless terror of its host, who raised her head weakly towards him. Her face was dripping with tears and her pupils were begging for mercy from her captors and the help of Natsu, who could only look helplessly at her, begging him with her terrified gaze to come to her rescue. _

_Petrified and horrified by what he was beginning to understand, Natsu opened his trembling lips and stammered with an anguish that was in no way repressed, refusing to believe his own suppositions, "W-What are you doing..."_

_Except for the one who was forcing the little Dragon Slayer to remain a witness to this horrible spectacle, their remaining executioners sneered obnoxiously as they approached the little girl, whom a raging foot bumped roughly in the belly, redoubling her tears as a scream of pain rose from her lips through the bits of cloth that choked her voice. They continued to beat her shamelessly in front of an outraged Natsu, who couldn't bear to see this for another second. Tears came to his eyes and he screamed, begging his attackers to stop the massacre, "**S-Stop it!**"_

_Against all odds the two brutes obeyed, and the third ordered in a cold voice, turning to him again. "Then tell us what you know. Play smart with us and we'll kill the girl."_

_His panic reached its peak at this threat, heightened by the certainty that he was perfectly incapable of satisfying their expectations, knowing that he had absolutely not the answers they wanted from him. "I don't know, I swear! I just know he's from Fairy Tail, that's all! Please don't hurt her!"_

_The man didn't answer and stared at him darkly in an attempt to intimidate him, but one of his allies intervened by putting a hand on his shoulder. "I don't think he really knows anything else, Russ. We'd better get out of here before someone comes along."_

_"Shit."_

_Russ sighed in frustration and released his captive before getting up, freeing him from his overwhelming dominance, leaving him miserably wallowing against his wall. Completely disinterested in him as if he were a petty bug unworthy of his attention, the brute turned to his allies and let go, exasperated: "Let's get out of here, guys."_

_The two men nodded and followed their companion, not without one last cruel blow to the head of the little girl, which the shock sent her crashing against a wall, plunging her into unconsciousness. Still slumped against the wall, Natsu gazed at her bloody face as they walked away, at first paralyzed on the spot, as if hypnotized by her features still drawn by fear and pain and by the still fresh tears streaming down her cheeks. Out of this horror was gradually born a devouring fury which then rose exponentially, extending to his expression, which became twisted with rage. Despite the lack of balance caused by his wrists still trapped in his back, he got up with the help of the wall behind him, against which he leaned._

_These monsters had used an innocent child for their abject purposes, they had beaten her to the point of blood, and worst of all, they had laughed about it. He **couldn't** let them leave without doing anything, they **had to** pay the price for their foul deeds. "Come back here, you bastards! I'll beat the shit out of you!"_

_The three men turned around, surprised, and Russ threw with an unconcealed irritation, "What did you say, you little prick?"_

_"I said I'm gonna beat you up!"_

_Armed with a sly smile and a dark look savagely cast on his prey, Russ approached him with a heavy step and replied in a cold voice breathing cruelty._

_"You really want to die, kid. As you wish. I will kill you."_

_Natsu did not let himself be impressed, anger easily surpassing the fear that had previously reduced him to passivity and submission. His terrified shivering had turned into a seismic tremor, and with this explosive emotion, the ground began to shake vehemently. Russ stopped dead in his tracks, nailed by the overwhelming pressure emanating from the little Dragon Slayer, whose magical power continued to increase in intensity until it split the rock all around him. He didn't even seem to be aware of what he was doing as his body was suddenly covered in boiling flames that whipped the air wildly, thirsting for vengeance. Their devouring heat melted the ropes hindering the wrists of their owner, of whom only two red pearls were soon seen, swirling angrily through the scarlet curtain of fire that hid him._

_The frightened spectators of the scene did not make the slightest gesture, nailed on the spot by the phenomenal power of this insane magic exploding before their stunned eyes. Russ was sweating with heat as much as fear at the monstrous sight and at the incredible testimony of a power beyond measure. Never in his life had he seen such magic. _

_As his friends gradually came to their senses, he stood still, unable to take his eyes off Natsu, and it was with a fearful voice that he stammered, "W-What's that?"_

_"There's no time, Russ! We have to get out of here!"_

_He had a burst of cognition that allowed his muscles to move, but at first they only stretched while he was still watching the incandescent spectacle playing out in front of him. "T-This kid..."_

_"Russ!" He came back to his senses this time and swore before he followed his allies on the run, leaving the scene in seconds._

_Natsu didn't try to chase them, completely overwhelmed by his own magic that reduced him to a state of pure rage he couldn't control. His consciousness gradually emerged through the blinding emotions that clouded his mind, and his magic conformed to this new state, regressing until it became nothing more than crackling embers. The flames disappeared, revealing an exhausted Natsu who fell hard on his hands and knees, panting._

_His eyes were wide open in confusion, and his body was violently shaken by the explosion of magic that had just ended, leaving him panting. His own power had crushed him, his childlike body was too fragile to withstand such pressure, and he was now totally exhausted. He almost felt as if his bones were going to crumble into dust, his skull to shatter and his heart to break._

_He couldn't take the time to stabilize his emotions or rest, the urgency returning to pulsate through his veins as he remembered what had happened a few minutes earlier. He got up abruptly, his hasty movement making his head turn for a moment and he staggered slightly. He then rushed towards the small, still collapsed figure not far from him._

_He threw himself on his knees at her side and hurriedly put two fingers against her jugular to check her pulse. He sighed with relief as he felt her breath, albeit weak, pulsating under his fingers, and hastened to grasp the ropes binding her hands. His were slightly shaky, but he still managed to untie the knots, freeing the victim from their grip. He threw them away without the slightest precaution, and was preparing to untie her gag when he heard hurried footsteps moving in their direction. _

_"O-Oh my God! What the hell happened here?!"_

_He immediately looked up as soon as the voice reached his ears, preparing to implore the newcomer's help, but he didn't get a chance to see their face as he was forcibly separated from the little girl by two hands that pushed him dryly, forcing him away from her. He landed hard on the ground, and was startled when the man who had just joined them thundered, throwing his undeniable anger at him. "You did this, didn't you?!"_

_Natsu was horrified by this unjust accusation and answered instantly in defense, flouting his explanations with haste, "No! I- There were these guys and-"_

_"You're the only one here! I saw you use that magic! What did you do to her, you vermin?!"_

_Desperate for his eternal inability to convince others of his innocence, as he had already experienced with Gray, he stood up and stammered again, begging his interlocutor to believe him. "I-I didn't do it, I swear!"_

_"Shut up, you little brat! Get out of my sight!"_

_Tears were already coming to his eyes in the desperation and fear that gripped his heart ferociously in the face of the hatred permeating those words and of which he had already been the target so many times. He took a step back, afraid of what it meant, but the words that followed were the ones that finally tore him in half. "**Get the fuck out!**"_

**GET THE FUCK OUT!**

_His throat closed so tightly that it took his breath away, Gray's voice mingling with the man's to form a tangle of haunting emotions that brought tears to his eyes. As the features of his face liquefied under the stifling desolation that crushed his lungs he took a step back at first, the emotion redoubling his trembling as the words echoed in his head. The two voices were superimposed in a thunderous cacophony that twisted his eardrums as well as his heart, and he could only stand there. A panic broke through his atony, and just as he had done **that** **day**, he suddenly turned his heels and ran._

_Even the pain of his various wounds did not slow down his flight and he kept running, tears so abundant that they were almost blinding him. History had repeated itself, he had made someone suffer again and was facing the consequences. He was running away again from a disaster he had caused, and even though this time fear was not the reason for his frantic running, he could not stop. Until his damaged leg gave way under his weight and he fell heavily to the ground._

_After the impact he didn't even try to get up, too shaken to have the desire or the strength to do so. He had even stopped crying, and though his tears were still burning he suddenly felt empty of all feeling except shame and devastation. His eyes closed hastily and his arm came to cover them, more in a desire to hide his shameful ugliness from the world than to express any emotion. He sniffed loudly, but no sob shook his shoulders, and he bit his lips, trying to control the shudder of that bitter sense of failure that disgusted him so much about himself. _

_His fist clenched tightly, the images of the previous events drastically intensifying the repulsion he felt for his own life. He was always doing stupid things, letting his emotions overwhelm him every time and following his desires stupidly without taking anything into account. He made every person he met suffer, he had always known that, but he still let himself be deluded, convinced himself that he could be different, even though he had always only been good at harming everyone. He contaminated everything around him with his presence alone, he was worthless. He was a burden, an undesirable, a disease._

_He hated himself._

_He hated himself **so much**._

_His arm pressed a little more against his eyes at this biting emotion, but his clenched fist loosened as he accepted the defilement of his own existence and what it implied. Any attempt to escape was to be strictly forbidden, any desire for deliverance was to be eternally sealed inside him and never to leave. He had only one thing left to do: abandon them. So that his harmful existence would never again spread its gangrene around him._

_It was with a washed-out heart that Natsu sat up on his knees and with extreme emotional weakness he sat against a tree, devoid of all hope. His knees bent down to his chin, his arms wrapped around his chest in a vain desire to protect himself from the feeling of decay that was fouling him. He felt necrotic and dirty, and this sensation made him bow down, bowing definitively before the endless loneliness to which he was condemned. To submit to it and lock himself up for good without ever trying to get out of it again. He had been presumptuous and cowardly to believe that he could escape from it, that he deserved to be freed._

**Don't make us think you can change, you'll always be a parasite and a waste!**

_The biting cold freezing him from within made him shiver severely in the embrace of his own arms, between which he cowered even more. This time he buried his face between his knees, on the verge of tears, the voice that continued to explode in his head pushing him even deeper into the abyss of his interminable suffering. It was the wind that suddenly blew that brought him with cruel eagerness what summed up all that he had just admitted and deplored._

**The whole world would be better off without you!**

_His despair could no longer be contained, and nothingness turned into a flood of agony that gripped him with its icy fingers. He was in so much pain, he wanted to be reduced to dust, to return to nothingness, to be able to tear his heart out so that everything would stop._

_He couldn't afford the price of a painless existence, his life would never be worth enough to buy it no matter what he would do, nothing he owned was worth it. His pitiful efforts were inconsequential, unimportant, they would never equal the price of happiness no matter how much blood and sweat he offered. He had thought he could change, but he had to face the facts. _

_His life would never be worth anything._

* * *

_The following week was devoid of any form of consciousness. Lying and cowering on his carpet in a corner of his cave, Natsu hadn't moved for days, not even to eat or drink, getting stuck in a nothingness where even pain couldn't reach him. His lifeless eyes were wide open, staring with absence at a definite point in the cave without leaving it, unable to express anything but indifference. Everything had frozen; feelings, emotions, pain, life itself, the only entity holed up there having none left. There was only an empty and hollow envelope protecting an extinct spirit, an armor against all the misfortunes of this cruel world, a bulwark between life and its receptacle. _

_During the two weeks after his expulsion he had felt a succession of violent emotions. Anger, raw anguish, a dazzling guilt and even some fragile but cruelly unbearable hope. Now it was all completely dried up, sucked out of his being as if it had never been there at all, and Natsu was nothing but a body stripped of everything. There was nothing left but this suffocating grief that numbed everything left of him. _

_The despair was overwhelming and suffocating, it compressed his lungs and almost prevented him from breathing, it drained all his physical and mental energy, absorbed his will to swallow any desire to move. Even the simple act of thinking was an insurmountable effort, all that remained was the certainty that his life had no purpose, no reason to continue. _

_What was the point? He was completely alone, isolated from any possible source of comfort, from any chance of happiness, from any being who could accept or even love him. He was now imprisoned, sealed for eternity in an insulated cage so that he could never hurt anyone again, confined in a suffocating space where he was the only prisoner, abandoned in an empty world. If living was so useless and painful, why not just give up everything? It wasn't as if he had any kind of importance, as if his absence was going to be regretted by anyone, as if his disappearance would not be a good thing. If his life was a poison for others and a torment for himself, what good would it do to try to preserve it? Letting it dry out would be a blessing, for the world as much as for himself, so he would better give it up, he could no longer contaminate this earth and those who populated it. He could obtain the rest he so longed for. _

_He would simply not suffer anymore._

_Tears soaked his inexpressive pupils and flowed slowly down his cheeks to the leafy floor, yet no emotion transcended their inertia. They continued to stare at the remains of the campfire that had been out for days without turning away, blinking from time to time with the sole purpose of not withering away. His dead spirit was totally unaware of the affliction that was already crushing his heart. His heart was crying and screaming in pain, but at no time did its host respond, deaf to its pleas and insensitive to the torment it was enduring. The body housing it was frozen from within and no matter what infamous signals of pain the palpitating organ sent him, he no longer felt or sense anything. _

_He had made many people suffer, and from that guilt was born hope._

_He had hoped to change enough to redeem his crimes, and from that hope was born determination._

_He had been determined to give value to his life, and from that determination was born desire._

_He had longed for happiness without concern for the consequences, and from that longing was born guilt._

_Out of guilt was born hope, out of hope was born determination, out of determination was born desire. And out of desire was born guilt. This endless loop had been broken, and now there was nothing left of it. Without them he was just an empty shell, he no longer hoped, no longer desired. His sensitivity to his own emotions and to the outside world would inevitably return later, if at least he did not starve first, but for the time being that abyss of despair left nothing but **nothingness**._

_He would have preferred to feel something, anything, just to make sure that he was still capable of it, rather than this suffocating feeling of non-existence. Whether it was anger, guilt, resignation or even pain, anything would be more comforting than that this **none**. Which was totally stupid. Since it was stripping him of everything, this emotional emptiness should leave him totally indifferent, shouldn't it? So why did he feel this blinding desire to see it disappear, this burning need for existence? Why was he so afraid that it would never happen, that he would be condemned to wander into this nothingness for good? How could he be so desperately despondent, and feel nothing at all at the same time? How could this fact overwhelm him when he felt so terribly empty? It didn't make sense._

_It was surreal to see how his emotions were foaming with pain and yet totally sclerotic._

_New tears covered the first ones, and this time they managed to pierce his armor of non-existence, the only emotion he felt then infecting his whole being, his very essence. A devouring affliction that devastated everything in its path as it infiltrated his veins and spread throughout his body, spreading its venom wherever it could. All other emotions remained rotten, withered, reduced to a pitiful **thing**. There was only this desolation._

_His eyes closed for the first time in hours in the face of this new emotion, and although it was the only one he could feel at the moment, his heart was totally crushed by its sheer weight. His heartbeat quickened as the pressure on him intensified, compressing it more and more until it blocked all air. _

_Natsu began to pant heavily as a hand pressed against his crushed heart, as if he wanted to tear it out of his chest. It was the first move he had done in five days of falling into that longed-for eternal sleep, and never before had it seemed so stressful to contract a muscle. He had never intended to, but he was in too much pain, he had no choice but to submit to this irrepressible need to relieve the unbearable suffering his heart was inflicting on him. He would have liked to be able to remain stoic, to continue to wait for his death without reacting, but his survival instinct had got in the way of his objective and was now forcing him to try to escape from this destiny, which he so much wanted. Starting with, even if his spirit did not want to, doing everything to stop the torment his heart was undergoing under the throbbing of the only emotion that had managed to infiltrate through his shell of non-being._

_Unfortunately for him, all the others appeared one by one, multiplying the pain that spread to his whole body, shaking him with dreadful shivers. He tried hard to regenerate his bubble of protection against all this torture, but it had already burst into a thousand pieces, irreparable. He could no longer escape his punishment. _

_His eyelids began to tremble under the force with which he kept them closed as he struggled desperately against his frantic breathing and heart. Then his grimace of pain on his face gradually relaxed as the chaotic tangle of emotions unraveled, forming an orderly whole where each one of them found its place, untangling each other. _

_Consciousness, feelings and sensations were re-injected to him, ceasing their raging storm on the poor boy._

_They had all returned. All except hope, optimism, sensitivity, and even anger and regret, everything that required the slightest expenditure of energy; he didn't even have the strength to think or move a muscle. Now that he was whole again, or almost, he felt fear, exhaustion and pain, but even though he had regained his existence and everything that made him a human being, he had not more desire to live than before. He was tired and weary of existing, everything inspired him only indifference. He wanted only one thing._

_For everything to stop._

* * *

_**There you go... Sorry, it's a little depressing for these kind of already depressing times but hey, you know me, I'm not the kind who makes a story about butterflies and rainbows xD. **_

_**Anyway... poor Natsu is still being rejected after being martyred for no reason, poor little guy. The moment right after his escape is particularly heartbreaking to me, the fact that he has such a low opinion of himself is horrible in my opinion T_T.**_

_**Nothing to add except that I wish you all to stay safe, and I hope this chapter has entertained you during your confinement. Even if unfortunately not for very long.**_

_**See you all next time!**_


	14. From denial to acceptance - Part 3

**_Pouet!_**

**_Here comes chapter 14! A little more lightness in this one and it's less depressing, things are getting a little better for our poor Natsu. That said, I don't want to spoil you, but... unfortunately it won't last. I think the day when I won't be cruel to him will never come._**

**_In any case, I wish you a good reading!_**

**Allie4Life:**_ Hey! Thank you for your review, I'm really happy that you're eager to see what is to follow, and that my writing is satisfying enough, as I said in the first chapter English is not my first language so it's really an accomplishment for me. Anyway I hope you'll like this chapter too and thank you again for your feedback!_

**fairiesdevotion**_: Haha I was waiting for you :). Thank you I'm glad you're still satisfied by this story, I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations :). Good reading to you!_

**JKD**: _Oh I'm sorry if I worried you, don't be, everything is fine for me. It's kind of you to be concerned for me :). I'm so satisfied __that you went so far as to tear up, I really want to move my readers with this story. Even I am moved by my own story haha. _

_Thank you for your review and for your concern. Stay safe too and good reading :)._

**Descendant of Flaming Dragons**: _Haha, two only words, but so satisfying! Thank you! :)_

* * *

**Chapter 14: From denial to acceptance 3/3**

_It was the nineteenth day, and Natsu still hadn't moved. Since the fifteenth he hadn't left his bed, nor eaten, nor drank, and thirst more than anything else was killing him as slowly as painfully. His mouth was horribly dry, his throat was burning, the slightest movement - for the little he was making - was an insurmountable stain and an immense ordeal, and his eyes, also because of the absolute lack of sleep, were ringed with black. All his muscles were knotted and had shrunk to half their volume, his feet and hands were frozen by the lack of fluidity of his blood circulation, his head exploded with dizziness and pounding pain, and above all, his consciousness wandered more and more in confusion and gradually sank into nothingness. If his body had not been so particularly resistant he would have long ago gone to the other world, and to his great misfortune he was therefore still alive. It was the first time he cursed being a Dragon Slayer. _

_He didn't give up, however, and continued to wait motionlessly for the reaper to come and cut his life short and take him away once and for all._

_Soon. A few more hours and it would all finally be over._

_He closed his eyes for the umpteenth time in the hope of being swept off to sleep, but no matter how much he implored it, it always rejected his exhausted consciousness, denying him the peace it so badly needed. Every time he tried to disconnect it from the present moment, the nefarious agony of his heart brought him back to the ugly reality, turning it back to the gallows on which it could neither live nor die. Agonizing, it then just wandered somewhere between life and death, desperately waiting for an end to its suffering. Whether it was by saving or killing it._

_His eyelids reopened, revealing two pearls glistening with despair. It had been more than five days since he had abandoned it, but life still refused to accept his departure and leave him alone. The pain it inflicted on him became more abject every day as it tried more and more ferociously to prevent him from leaving it for good. It sensed that it was losing him, so it clung to him relentlessly, tormenting him with a succession of ever-increasing pains that his existence, even broken beyond repair, could not ignore. Still not._

_This time like so many others, life dragged him back to it despite his efforts to get rid of its sharp claws. He was sent back into a new spiral of suffering, which would only stop if he finally managed to reach the arms of the Ankou during his next attempt to escape the pain that had become insurmountable._

_The last one having been as unsuccessful as all the previous ones, his eyes wide open on the grayish solitude that surrounded him on all sides, Natsu kept on waiting, hoping, and suffering._

_The time for a blink of an eye, and the emptiness he was staring at was suddenly no longer there. Despite his extreme weakness and the pain it caused him, he straightened slightly on one elbow, his eyes wide open._

_There, three feet away from him, at the entrance of his pitiful and dark dwelling, there was someone. He saw only a tiny shadow, but Natsu knew that this time it wasn't just an illusory representation of his desires as he'd had dozens of them since he had given up trying to survive. This living presence was very real._

_Tears came to his eyes as they watched this sudden and improbable source of life. His whole being seemed to rise from its ashes at the sight of this miraculous apparition, the cure for his loneliness suddenly becoming so palpable that all his present suffering seemed to immolate and disappear. His decaying consciousness was freed of all the pain, sorrow and fear that had clouded it with confusion, his mind cleansed of all parasitic thoughts, and his body released from all devouring sensations. Something clung to his frozen heart, warming it little by little until he felt it beating in his chest again._

_For the first time in almost three weeks, his loneliness was no more. _

_The little figure slowly moved forward, and before he could realize to whom it belonged, a honeyed sound came from it, piercing the silence._

_"Moooo."_

_The tone was plaintive, and Natsu bowed his head with a slight surprise. Two small curious eyes gazed at the being in front of him, which it returned to him. They observed each other without moving for long seconds, and neither of them made the slightest noise, gauging each other with great curiosity._

_It was the first time Natsu had ever seen such a creature. It was neither a monster, nor a dragon, nor a human being, and as far as he knew he had never seen an animal like this. It was no more than a foot high, its body was covered with a silky black fur, two ears erected on its head and pointing towards him, two small shiny golden eyes slit with an ebony pupil as thin as an eyelash, four fluffy legs ending in lovely white slippers, a long tail gently wagging behind. _

_"Mooooo."_

_This second sound from the tiny creature awakened his wandering consciousness and drew him out of his curious contemplation. A trigger clicked in his mind and Igneel's words came back to him. This little thing was..._

_"Cat."_

_He almost jumped at the sound of his own voice, which he hadn't heard for so long that he had forgotten what it sounded like. The thirst had made it extremely hoarse and raspy, his vocal cords not having been used for five consecutive days, and fear came over him when the cat backed away with a fearful twitch._

_The cat approached again, and though his gait was still hesitant and his eyes were apprehensively watching for the slightest potential danger, he seemed more serene. Natsu straightened up to a sitting position and the animal stopped, this time without any fear reaction. He just stared at him to make sure it was safe and resumed walking. The boy tried to keep quiet so as not to frighten him, and smiled._

_Against all odds, the animal rubbed gently against his leg when he reached his level, widening Natsu's eyes. He definitely didn't expect to be the lucky target of any affection, neither from him nor anyone else. The touch of his life against his own embalmed him with a cocoon of relief and serenity such that he felt as if everything he had experienced in the last few days had never been. Even his inexhaustible questioning and the hypothetical answers that he had tried so hard to provide to them seemed suddenly absurd, as if he had realized in a mere instant that he was wrong about everything._

_Perhaps... he was wrong to believe that he was doomed to be completely alone. Maybe he was simply destined to live and survive in the wilderness and stay away from humans. He was undoubtedly a monstrosity to them, but what would prevent him from bonding with other living beings? There was a time he had been related to a dragon, so even if he was in the end not worthier of that race than of humans, what told him that he would never be worthy of anyone? What if he could be worthy of this cat, and even of other creatures in this forest? What if, in truth, his proper place had always been here, far from his fellows, humans and dragons, but close to everything else?_

_His future had always been here, in the only place where the living of the lands accepted him without rejecting him._

_Intoxicated by his desire for that living contact of which he had been deprived for so long, he slowly raised one hand and approached the animal cautiously, stopping each time he seemed about to retreat. Curiously, it was him who filled the few inches that separated him from his hand, huddling his silky little head in his palm with a mewing of contentment._

_It didn't take more than a second for Natsu's cheeks to be flooded with tears. Never since Igneel's disappearance had anyone been so eager to step into his wake, so content to make a connection with his supposedly unacceptable and disgusting existence. Someone had accepted his presence and wished for it, someone had intentionally brushed his existence with their own in a contact devoid of all mistrust, hatred and malevolence._

_Someone had wanted to make him their friend, and the stifling pain of loneliness... disappeared._

_His arm quickly pressed against his wet eyes, his back bent, and at last a sob slipped from his trembling lips, followed by several others. He felt relieved, liberated, warmed. Alive. More alive than ever._

_"Mooo..."_

_The creature's plaintive moaning and the silky caress he felt against his belly made him raise his eyes, which he placed on the little figure now sitting between his crossed legs, his shining pupils raised towards him as if he was trying to comfort him. The boy promptly wiped away his tears and could not help but reconnect with his new friend, terrified that he would never be able to do so again in the future, as if this comforting presence could disappear any second. He put one hand on his head and affectionately caressed the animal, a sad and serene smile hanging from his lips._

_"T-Thank you, cat."_

_He fell silent for a few seconds, detecting in his sentence something he did not like. He then identified what it was and suddenly declared, "Moo." The cat reacted to this word with his own unusual meowing, and Natsu continued, "Your name is Moo."_

_He shuddered as he realized what he had just done, almost shocked by his sudden and improbable usefulness, and a sense of pride instantly overtook him. He had been useful for something, for the first time in his life. He had just given a name to someone as Igneel had given him his own._

_He smiled brightly, contrasting with the still fresh tears shimmering on his cheeks. Never had he felt so happy and proud of himself. He found himself surprisingly thinking… that maybe his existence wasn't that noxious, that **wrong**. _

_A particularly violent vertigo shook his mind, and his fingers hardened on Moo's fur, and a small, annoying yelp grew from him. He pressed his other hand against his painful skull and clenched his jaw in an attempt to stop it. When the high-pitched pounding in his head subsided, he straightened it and put a feverish hand in front of him. He grabbed the container still full of water and urgently swallowed most of it._

_His decision and his desires were now confirmed. He wanted to live in this world again. With Moo._

_As tears of relief and hope rolled down his cheeks once again, he grabbed a few roots and ate them up as quickly as he could, as if a second too late would take him away from the life he now wanted to preserve more than anything else. He stood still when he was done, tears still running down his cheeks, staring at the leftovers of the food he had just gobbled up with an unexpected harshness. Only then did he realize what he had just done, and his mind was so disturbed that he did not know how to react now that any possibility of impending death had been swallowed up with his meal. Then some strength, albeit minimal, returned to him. He turned to Moo, who now was licking his fur, regularly passing a small hasty paw over his ears._

_The sight of the animal unlocked Natsu's indecisive consciousness and he contemplated him attentively. His gaze glided from one part of the creature's body to the other, focusing on various details that gripped his heart._

_Moo was excruciatingly thin._

_This evidence turned his uncertainties into determination. Since he could now only live, and had the means to make his existence meaningful, why not use them? He may not have had the power to be useful to anyone else, but he had the power to help Moo. Live a dignified life, even a paltry one... was accessible to him._

_He straightened up, his eyes sparkling with willpower and confidence. He clung firmly to the new source of energy that fueled his freshly resurrected determination._

_"Are you hungry, Moo?"_

_The creature looked up at him and mewed. Taking it as a "yes," Natsu grabbed one of his roots, the last one he had, and handed it to Moo._

_The animal sniffed at the object but immediately turned away, clearly not interested in this kind of brown stick covered with filthy moss. Natsu looked at his root and contemplated it with disappointment, sad that his only means of satisfying the needs of his new friend was useless. _

_"I'm sorry, Moo. That's all I have..."_

_His feeling of uselessness returned immediately, but he did not let it get him down and actively thought of a way to stop being worthless. His thoughts even led him to consider the idea of using the flesh of another animal, knowing full well that it would be the one and only thing that would satisfy his companion. What would be the point of insisting on not eating animals if this refusal would kill another, would kill Moo?_

_He quickly made his decision and got up with a difficulty due to his abused body, as much because of the wounds still covering it and his exhaustion as because of the malnutrition he had voluntarily inflicted on it. _

_"We'll get you something to eat, Moo. I promise." He grabbed his crutches and began to move towards the exit, with Moo's hesitant eyes watching him walk away. Natsu turned to him and asked with an encouraging smile. "Are you coming?"_

_It didn't take more than a second for the animal to trot up to him and the boy's smile widened. _

_He was definitely not alone anymore._

* * *

_Once back in his, no, **their** cave, Natsu put their brand new provisions on the ground, more satisfied than ever. He had restocked with water, roots and firewood, but most of all, he'd been brave enough to catch a few fish for Moo, who seemed to enjoy it particularly. He had brought a few back home, providing Moo with enough food for the days to come. He had let himself be tempted to eat one, which he had previously grilled using his magic, but he had decided not to do it again and to settle for his roots and fruits in order to save as many lives as possible. He would use only what was strictly necessary for his survival and that of his companion, and nothing else. If Moo could only survive by eating animal flesh, things were different for him._

_It had been dark for two hours when they settled around the fire that Natsu had previously lit. The latter sat down against his wall, and Moo immediately joined him to lie down on his lap, snuggling comfortably against him. The animal was purring peacefully while Natsu stroked his fur, and he fell asleep after a while._

_The boy stared at the flames with absence, following their fluctuating contours and watching the embers crackle and burn out on the wood. He lost himself in his thoughts, trying to take stock of his life and his reason for being._

_Letting himself die was not the solution, he was certain of that now. Moo's arrival had pulled his heart out of its self-destructive spiral and his dead spirit had finally resurrected, yet he didn't know what else to do except survive and take care of Moo. Perhaps his life had only that purpose, and even if it was painful, it was at least no longer completely useless. If it was his duty to save those two lives, he would bear it with pride. He would never run away again._

_He continued to think about it for hours, forcing himself to remember everything he had gone through up to that point, including the experiences he had lived in Fairy Tail, crushing his heart many times. He thought back to Igneel, to Erza, to Gray, to Gildartz, to the black mages who had captured and struck him, to Moo. To everything he had felt, thought, experienced since the farthest day he could remember. He tried to find meaning in each of these events, what they meant, why life had put him through all these hardships._

_His thoughts drifted to Gray, and clung to him assiduously. How was he, what was he doing now that he was finally free from his presence? Had the suffering he had inflicted upon him disappeared? Were the wounds he had opened in his heart healed? If so, he could not imagine how happy he must be._

_This thought made him shudder with awareness. Whenever he suffered, Gray was happy. Whenever he was happy, Gray suffered. He wondered how he hadn't thought of it before._

_Now he understood. For some people to be happy, others had to suffer, it was one of the rules of this world. He had been designed to keep it in balance, condemning him to eternal suffering. He had to be offered as a pasture to loneliness, his destiny had always been to feed it and thus prevent it from driving its hungry fangs into someone else's heart. Like many people with him, he had to be sacrificed. Every tortured and devoured existence was a life saved in return. The sacrifice of his was saving Gray's._

_Yet Moo's miraculous appearance and the acceptance of this inviolable rule governing this world and sealing his fate did not pull him out of the clutches of the terror that flayed him from within, although he was determined to survive as long as possible so that no one would have to be sacrificed in his place and carry the burden that was his. If he freed himself from his chains and shirked his duty, it would be Gray who would be sent in his place to restore the balance that his absence within the walls of his prison had disturbed. The world of happiness and the world of suffering had to count the same number of lives._

_Each person in the world of happiness was bound to a prisoner in the world of suffering, without whose presence they could be happy. His existence was bound up with Gray's._

_The monster had returned to his cage. Now that he was locked back in the prison from which he had escaped and was chained again, Gray could be happy. He tried to be content with that simple satisfaction._

_That was probably the reason why Igneel had taught him all this. He had shown him how to be stronger, how to survive on his own, so he could play that role. He had never intended to stay by his side, he had only wanted to turn him into the perfect sacrifice to restore this important balance and he left once his task was completed. With all the events that had taken place after his departure, this goal was definitely achieved._

_He had been chosen by the world to be sacrificed, there was only this explanation. These trials had been intended to shape him, to forge his personality and strengthen his spirit, his will, in order to be able to assume his role and survive it. He had gone through all the stages of his creation, having survived each of the painful challenges that had been put in his path to that end, and now the weapon was definitively forged. He could play the role he had been given. He was ready. _

_It had always been his destiny, and he accepted it._

* * *

_A week passed. Natsu had now fully accepted his new life, he was even no longer forced to resurrect his determination to keep going through all this loneliness by recalling, almost every hour, the reasons that had convinced him not to run away from his destiny. He no longer needed to remember what he was accomplishing in order to continue living in this stifling atmosphere, he asked himself fewer and fewer questions, and even Fairy Tail had stopped torturing his mind with memories as haunting as they were both happy and difficult. They were fading day after day as the boring routine took hold, and had become so diluted in the new ones he was creating with Moo that he had already forgotten a number of things about this guild and its members._

_Of course he remembered the most important things, but some of the names had become faceless heads with no voice to associate with, and apart from those moments, good and bad, that had scarred his heart with a branding iron, he didn't really remember what he had experienced in that community. He remembered the joy of being surrounded, the sorrow of causing Gray so much pain, his determination to be accepted by him and to hide everything that might lead them to abandon him - a task he had pitifully failed to accomplish - the pain of being rejected again and returned to loneliness... but all the mundane days he had spent there were nothing but black holes. Fairy Tail had become a jumble of blurred emotions, sensations and pictures._

_He hoped he could definitively forget that he had been a member of that guild, its very name and everything he had lost when he was expelled. One day, sooner or later, Fairy Tail, Gray, Erza, Makarov and all the others would be nothing more than a succession of meaningless syllables, unimportant words. He would have to live with the weight of their memory until that blessed moment when his heart and mind would be set free._

_He no longer felt the pain of being abandoned as mercilessly as before, but it was still there. This slight improvement was only due to his newfound convictions saying that each of these abandonments had been a necessity. Without these experiences, however traumatic they had been, he would never have been able to give his life the meaning it had from birth, it would have remained eternally useless and harmful. They had allowed him to understand, little by little, pain after pain, where his place was in the world, what his existence could be useful for. So in a way, he would have become nothing without them._

_It was by convincing himself of this that he could now continue to move forward in life despite the extreme heaviness of the ball and chain he was dragging at his feet, which contained all his past and present suffering._

_He owed much of his resistance and will to Moo. The cat had been so present since he had met him that he had warmed his heart a little more each day, relieving him of a consequent part of the burden he carried on his shoulders. The very monotony became colorful in his presence, boredom turned into amusement, loneliness into warmth. He was the very representation of his reason for living._

_He would be lying if he said that Moo's company was enough to make his loneliness and the torment it inflicted on him totally disappear, but at least it allowed him to control it so that it didn't swallow him up. His presence soothed him without totally healing him, but it was nonetheless indispensable to his moral survival. Without him he would have already collapsed under the weight of his merciless fate, he would now be only barely alive, an inert and broken carcass. Thanks to him his heart was finally beginning to heal from the many gaping wounds that had been carved into it at every stage of his existence. In the hope that he would not suffer any new ones._

_Since he had finally accepted his role, he was hopeful that the test was finally over and that he had passed it with enough skill to avoid being confronted with another ordeal. He had overcome them all, but he had struggled so hard to get where they wanted to take him that he wondered if he would not be tested again to see how stable the determination he had finally acquired would be. He felt it himself very fragile and ready to crumble into dust at the slightest too painful event, so he was afraid of what might happen to him in the future. He had no way of making sure that fate had finished to throw him in front of hellish situations and tortures. He wasn't sure he would survive it if it came to happen._

_Day by day this fear of suffering another catastrophe was fading, and Moo's company was a big part of it, even if in a way it exacerbated his fears. He had already lost Igneel and Fairy Tail, and he couldn't bear to lose his only current friend. He had the feeling that the animal would never abandon him as the others had done, but in the hostile and unhealthy environment in which they lived, neither of them was safe from an accident that could come to separate them. If Moo were to disappear from his life he couldn't bear it, and he preferred not to think about what he would be able to do in that horrible case._

_Natsu shook his head to chase away this terrifying thought, and concentrated on his companion who was sleeping on the grass next to him. Taking advantage of the good weather and the summer warmth that would disappear when winter came knocking at their door, the two friends had settled in the comfortable grass by a river, savoring the tender rays of the sun that warmed both their bodies. Feeling that he had overslept, the boy got up and prepared for his daily training._

_Boredom was a daily occurrence in spite of Moo's company, so whenever he had the opportunity, he began to train his body and magic, which had suffered from his recent sickly inactivity. In addition to his wounds, which had not yet healed, those five days of total non-life had devastated his physical condition to such an extent that it had been difficult to move during the first few days after his resurrection by Moo. His magic had been disrupted as well, as the lack of emotion he had experienced had muzzled it for too long for it not to be affected. As soon as he had come out of his stationary state of intense depression, he had felt the urge to reconnect with it as it had become eerily absent and silent._

_It was there, he could feel it, but it was still lurking in his body as if it refused to grant him interest. This thought seemed silly to him, but he felt like it was angry at him for trying to abandon it, for ignoring and not taking care of it all this time. He was experiencing his magic as he would experience a friendship with a living being, and he almost wondered if he was harboring more than magic. It was not simply giving him powers, it had its own character, its own moods, its own desires, usually directly related to the emotions its host was feeling at a particular moment in time. He was experiencing his magic as he would experience a friendship with a living being, and he almost wondered if he was harboring more than magic. It was not simply giving him powers, it had its own personality, its own moods, its own desires, usually directly related to the emotions its host was feeling at a particular moment in time. It seemed sad when he was sad, determined when he was determined, angry when he was angry... and at the same time, it also had its own free will, it did not only follow his emotions stupidly. It could come up when it felt he was in danger, or get angry at those who made him sad or hurt him. It was living inside him. He became more and more aware of how much he needed it, he was only half of himself when its essence stopped touching his own._

_That's why he wanted so much to feel it again, to be reconciled with it, that was the main purpose of all these trainings. His physical condition was not able to withstand too much strain anyway, so he settled for the bare minimum and concentrated first on his relationship with his flames. He felt them more and more attentive as they gradually came out of their grumpy grumblings to open up to him again. He conversed with them every day and was not discouraged even when they scowled and refused to answer him. His persistence had borne its first fruit the day before when, after a long monologue from their host, they had finally deigned to touch his emotions with their own. From that moment on, he felt them more present, more inclined to forgive him for the ungrateful attitude he had had towards them._

_His physical training, however, was not as convincing and encouraging, even without taking into account the large muscle mass he had lost during those days when he had stopped living. The smaller wounds that Gray had administered and that had eventually healed had been replaced by those from his painful experience with Gildartz's men, the broken bones had not healed at all and were still inflicting a sharp pain on him, and the cauterized wound in his leg and shoulder was gradually becoming infected, giving him regular, boiling febrile peaks that could cripple him for hours on end. His particularly resistant body still managed to get rid of the fever after a while, but it was becoming more and more difficult to get rid of it, as each one was taking longer and longer to heal. Again, had he not been a Dragon Slayer he could not have overcome all this and would have died long ago, but he doubted that his body could keep up this pace forever. Somehow he would have to manage to heal his wounds once and for all, before they finally killed him._

_At first he had put too much strain on his broken body when he had set out to kill a monster and then go to town, not enough when he had tried to die, and the succession of these two mistakes had weakened him considerably. He bitterly regretted having done these two things, but he knew that he could not change the past, and so he struggled to find a way to repair them. He knew that going back to the city was his only hope of healing, but since his last experience with humans he was afraid to go back so he tried to relieve them as best he could until he found the courage to do so. The experience with Gildartz and his allies was too fresh in his body and mind to allow him to take the risk of it happening again. Every time he had mixed with humans, things had gone wrong and he had suffered terribly, so he preferred to take the time to forget these events and the fears that accompanied them before acting._

_That day, Natsu settled for a simple workout based mainly on his relationship with his magic, the fever peak of this very morning preventing him from overworking his body too much if he didn't want to end up aggravating his already terribly precarious condition and fainting. He was having a particularly hard time standing up today, partly because his leg kept reminding him every second how badly it was damaged, so he preferred not to overexert himself._

_Satisfied with the simple consolation that he had managed to produce stronger and more stable flames than the day before, he stopped there and sat down next to Moo, whom the din of his training had of course awakened. The animal watched him without reacting, now perfectly accustomed to the violent emergence of Natsu's fire. The boy stroked him briefly and lay down with a sigh of boredom, not knowing what to do to keep his mind busy and thus not feel too strongly the loneliness in which he now lived. As if he had sensed his anguish and uneasiness, Moo rubbed his head against his cheek, clearly asking for some little loving treats. Natsu smiled and granted his request by gently rubbing him between his ears, an act to which the little creature purred vigorously._

_"Good thing you're here, right Moo?"_

_A lovable "Moo-ish" meow was his answer, and the boy uttered an amused chuckle. "You really are unusual, you know that? Lucky for me, you wouldn't have stayed with me if you were like everyone else."_

_He often said this to express his gratitude to his companion for saving his life and for still standing by his side, but in truth he was increasingly doubtful of his own statement. Moo was undoubtedly special to him because he had been the first being on this earth to accept him and voluntarily offer him friendship, but he often wondered if this was not simply a characteristic of his species. Whenever he had found himself having to live in the wild, his existence had been fully integrated into the surrounding flora and fauna in an almost perfect symbiosis, and this time had been no exception. Even though Moo was now on a level far above other animals, nature and its inhabitants - other than monsters - had always been strong allies and had never let him down. Moreover, his presence never, under any circumstances, upset the natural balance of his environment, merging with it to form an entity in its own right. So he began to tell himself that he just didn't have the profile to live elsewhere and that he was simply made to get along and bond with beings like Moo._

_In the rhythm of all these recurring reflections, Natsu realized more and more that he was more of an animal than a human being. Wherever he went, nature always accepted him in its inner circle as if he was meant to reside there, welcomed him into its embrace without ever abandoning him, unlike his fellow humans or dragons. He understood where he belonged, and it was not with any of them. For he was neither the one nor the other. A kind of disgusting hybrid monster that neither side would ever accept as one of them. He was a disgrace to humans for being half dragon, and a disgrace to dragons for being half human. He was too different to be fully part of either of these two species, so deep down he found it perfectly normal and logical that he was rejected by each of them._

_This conviction soothed him more than it upset him, actually. He suffered from the idea that he was too ugly to be accepted where the cure for his loneliness lay, but he managed to be satisfied with the certainty that this did not mean that he would be systematically rejected by everyone. Nature and the creatures inhabiting it had not, and if certain monsters attacked him it was not in order to get rid of him because they found his existence dangerous and harmful. They were simply following an instinct that they could not control, they needed to hunt prey in order to fulfill the role the world had given them. Just as he needed to survive and stay away from all happiness in order to fulfill his own. That's the way life was and there was nothing anyone could do about it._

_He sighed again and straightened up when he realized that he would never be able to sleep a wink. Moo uttered a small plaintive yelp as Natsu's hand left his fur, stopping his caresses so much desired by the small animal. The boy chuckled again at this reaction that he knew by heart._

_"You can never get enough, right? Sorry but I think there's going to be a storm soon, I feel the humidity rising. We should go home for today."_

_He couldn't know if he understood him but curiously, Natsu didn't care. The simple feeling of talking to someone and being listened to, even if the interlocutor couldn't answer with words and didn't understand what he was saying, was a comfort. So he would still talk to him about anything and everything, could even do it for hours, telling about his happy days with Igneel, his adventures, what he had felt, thought, hoped for at every stage of his life, and Moo would always react to his voice and words. It made him feel that he was truly satisfied listening to him talk, that he was somehow participating in this one-way conversation, that he was perfectly aware of the meaning of his speech. He could then evacuate everything he had in his heart and head, ask all his questions, doubts, pains and fears out, externalize them and thus feel relieved by the release of all the emotions confined within him. He had sometimes cried and even laughed during his stories, and it had done him a lot of good each time._

_A paw from Moo who was amusingly chasing a butterfly drew him out of his reflections. He amicably mocked his repeated failures with a giggle, which did not discourage the cat in his attempts in any way. After a while the boy joined in helping him with his plans, giggling foolishly every time the insect slipped away and he and his companion came to shake the air in a ridiculous motion. He encouraged Moo not to give up, telling him they would make it, but that hope was dashed when, as their target moved out of their reach, the two friends stumbled over each other and found themselves ridiculously slumped on the ground._

_Natsu chuckled at the absurdity of the situation and laughed out loud as Moo, sprawled on his chest, was looking at him with sulky disappointment that redoubled the boy's laughter. When he calmed down, the happiness he had just so strongly felt enveloped him, and a deep quietude revived his eternal gratitude to this little being full of life. He gently lifted his friend in the air, at eye level, and smiled with all his teeth, happier than ever. The next second Moo was huddled in his arms, his little head buried in the hollow of his neck, and hugged in a moving embrace._

_It didn't take long for tears of happiness to appear on Natsu's cheeks, who could never have hoped to be so happy one day._

_Moo was the most incredible being he had ever met. In an instant, he had erased all his suffering for a few minutes of joy, relaxation and saving joy, had taken him out of his endless questioning for a short but priceless moment of happiness. All the words in the world could not express with enough intensity the flamboyance of his feelings for the little creature._

_He truly loved Moo with all his heart._

* * *

**_Hop, a little bit of happiness for poor Natsu, finally! I hope I've been touching during his meeting with Moo, and that I was able to transcribe how important he is to him. I'm curious to know if you thought it was someone from the guild or something like that, if there was a bit of suspense at that moment, or if you guessed right away that it wasn't a human being. That said, it didn't take me long to inform you anyway._**

**_He's beginning to accept his situation and what he thinks is his destiny, but who knows if that's really a good thing because it encourages him to continue to stay away from others, to isolate himself from the civilized world. Besides, I hope I have made it clear that what I am saying about this destiny is not at all a truth, but simply what Natsu thinks about it, which is more than an aberration._**

**_Well, I admit that I would like to know what you think will happen now. In any case, the depressing moments are not over yet. Soon._**

**_See you all soon!_**

**_Tcha Pouet!_**


End file.
